Here are 8 types of people you'll find inside a Starbucks that are guaranteed to annoy the shit out of you.
8. Manager Who Refuses to Recognize the Words Small, Medium, and Large
I understand, you’re a corporate guy and thus must abide by company policies by calling the different sizes by their Starbucks Christian names of Venti, Grande, etc…. But if I ask you for a small, don’t act like I'm speaking to you in that Native American langauge we used in World War II to deliver coded messages. You’re familiar with the sizes small, medium and large, and if you’re not, then you might want to change underwear because there’s a good chance there’s a sizeable amount of shit in them due to your inability to grasp the concept of wiping your asshole after defecating.
7. Intern Who is Buying for the Entire Office
Wearing an all-white or striped button down shirt, this guy shows up with a legal pad full of hastily scribbled orders. "Yeah, I'm gonna need 24 tall skinny soy lattes with sugar free hazelnut extra hot...and 32 grande no caff cappuccinos with light whip cream, sugar free hazelnut and vanilla with white chocolate mocha. And 14 grande supremos with a triple shot, sugar free vanilla, extra white mocha, no whip, no foam and an extra drizzle. Oh, and can I get a smiley face on the bottom of all those?" And he knows if one of these orders is screwed up, it's going to cost him a chance at the a full-time gig as assistant editor where he can bring coffee to even more important people. So instead of just grabbing his bags and leaving, he inspects all 70-odd cups in his 17 flimsy cardboard holders. If you get behind this guy, you may as well give up any hopes of getting a cup of joe in your lifetime. You're better off flying to Colombia, slitting Juan Valdez's throat and stealing his coffee-harvesting burro.
6. The Writer Who Wants You to Know They’re a Writer
Being a writer is a pretty cool occupation, but unfortunately you can’t tell someone’s a writer just by looking at them. And having to tell someone you’re a writer is way less impressive. Therefore, these people go to the busiest Starbucks and pop open their iMac, making sure their screen is clearly displaying a full page of text (or clear screenplay format for those in Los Angeles). Their next step is to make sure they're facing away from where everyone goes to pick up their drinks while staring at the screen while remembering to take deep breaths which will indicate to others that deep and creative thought that normal minds are not capable of, is taking place. Who gives a shit if an asshole and his mac have spent six hours taking up a table normally reserved for four people, it’s important you know that they’re juggling a complex story about a boy in Alaska who comes of age and befriends a bear. That’s right, they’re creating that using only their minds!
5. Overly Happy Line Greeter/Order Taker
At some point, the Starbucks Corporation realized that their growing legions of employees didn't have the best people skills. Their answer was to create their own version of the Wal-Mart Greeter who also takes your order. But since they don't pay shit, you end up having some G.E.D.-havin' dumbass or an excruciatingly-lonely elderly woman force their brand of corporate chit-chat down your throat. Instead of waiting to pay for your overpriced chai in peace, you have to deal with: "Goooooood morning today! How are you? Some kinda weather we're having isn't it? I wish I was outside in the park! Wouldn't that be nice? It's sooooo sunny! And what's better for you than a nice big dose of Mr. Sun! Maybe some coffee? Ha! So, what can we get you today? Need a little pick-me-up? You do! I think we ALL could use one, yes we could! YES WE COULD! Anyway, I'll get this chai order right up for you. What's your name? Terry? That's my cousin's name! Small world. Yes. It. Is. Small world indeed....Hi! And how are you doing today?!?!"
4. Complicated Order Guy Who Needs his Coffee Right The F*&K Now.
When you order coffee, it shouldn’t sound like you’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system. If you’re lactose intolerant, on a strict diet, and can’t handle a full dose of caffeine, how about instead of ordering a “non-fat, grande, soy chai latte with a half shot of espresso and no foam" and then stand in front of the pick up window and pace like one of Michael Vick’s pitbulls watching Vick pull out the rape stand after losing a fight, you just grab a glass of god damn water and drink that. Last I checked that won’t give you exploding diarrhea or anxiety... unless you’re at the Starbucks in Tijuana.
3. The Guy Who Hates Starbucks But Goes There Every Day
Armed with armchair political rants, this guy is the world's biggest bore and the world's biggest hypocrite combined into one big uber-shithead. He won't shut up about how Starbucks is bad for the environment and how they're taking over the world and how their coffee totally "doesn't taste like the gourmet stuff downtown." But when you bring up the fact that he's ranting about Starbucks while he's actually inside a Starbucks, his crappy hippie-wannabe excuses just start piling up. "Well, here's the thing, I just didn't have time to make it over to my usual coffee place. You know the one way over on 2nd Ave? Yeah, it's one of the last mom and pop coffee shops in the area. I toooootally love that place. It's so real. I was on my way over there, but the traffic was a killer, so I was totally forced to get my fix at this place. I mean, the rich get richer, right? That's the law of the land. I totally can't stand that I have to come here, but that's what they do. They tie your hands, man. These big corporations. They just own you. They're everywhere. Can you hand me one of those Splenda?"
2. Study Groups
Hey, screw the library with all it’s “room” and “group space.” It makes way more sense to go to an incredibly busy and crowded Starbucks with tables that have insufficient space to lay your books. Everyone knows you have a poli-sci midterm, mostly because they can hear every fucking thing you’re saying because you’re yelling so that you can be heard over a frappucino being made. If you could, would you hold a study group session in a Turkish prison? Because Starbucks is basically the same thing, except with less gay sex, and a little bit better coffee.
1. The Person Who Peruses the DVD Section As If They Might Purchase.
It’s really great when you’re waiting in line behind somebody only to realize that they’re not in line, but instead deciding whether or not they want to purchase the “Pursuit of Happyness” DVD. “Gee what’s this movie Pursuit of Happyness about? I didn’t hear of it last summer when it grossed over 100 million dollars. Even though I’ve come here for coffee, I should carefully peruse the back cover to find out more about it!” Also, please don't pick up a copy of “Akeelah and the Bee” as if you were going to buy it. No one buys that movie. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s not even a real movie, it was just a box cover created by a group of white Starbucks executives so that customers could hold it in their hands and pretend to read the back, giving the impression to those around them that they’re progressive thinkers who seek out and enjoy films with African American casts.
Only 8? The whole Starbuucks experience oozes pretentiously nauseating self-importance. I tried Starbucks coffee once.....that was once too often. It was like their staff and customers, tasteless, overbearing and a waste of space.
Who cares if people are leaving comments with misspelled words or grammatical errors? Get off your high horse and try to look for the substance (and yes, I'm aware that sometimes there isn't any) in what people are trying to say instead of getting superficially getting caught up in how they are saying it.
No one cares that you can point out errors. It doesn't make you look intelligent, it just makes you look like an uptight asshole with a superiority complex.
What, not cool to bring an iMac to a Starbucks? I do that - no like the laptops and I need to get the work done. I also wear a super-sized adult diaper (the iPoop if you must know) because the lactose makes me no good in the pants. Dig?
Most annoying to me are the tourists. Like 3 middle-aged women who obviously aren't on their way to work unlike 99% of the rest of us in line and don't know what they want, unlike the 99% of the rest of us in line. They sit and hem and haw, chewing up precious minutes, chatting, looking over the food, scanning the menu for an overly long time. Gah!
Anyone who goes into a Starbucks is annoying. I walked by one once and had to kick my own ass for being a pretentious douche. ITS JUST COFFEE! Anyone who goes there is a pretentious chump or faux intellectual. Coffee doesn't make you cool, or smart, no matter how many foreign words you throw in front of it. Lemmings....
Actually, I think anyone that's willing to pay starbucks prices should pull their heads out of their asses, but by far the most annoying person you might encounter in a starbuck's is the person who spends so much time there that they feel that have the authority and knowledge to write an article about people you would encounter in starbucks that annoy you.
I'm also labeled a "Genius". But unlike you, I'm not a self-absorbed shitbag who does whatever he or she pleases. Just because you are gifted doesn't mean you should piss on societal norms. Being a "Genius" just means you had a certain score on a certain test, nothing more.
The fact that you claim to have a high IQ but had to get a GED tells most of the people with common sense that you're a piece of garbage. Why would an employer hire you if you only do the work you find interesting? Why would somebody want you to work for them knowing that at any moment your flighty personality might lead you to stop working on your current assignment in favor of doing something you find "more interesting". This isn't even getting into the fact that most of the "average" people were able to graduate from High School without doing much real work at all, if any.
The fact that there are many others out there who are considered to be Geniuses who don't make pompous posts about how they flunked out of public school but got their GED and were an "Innocent child" wronged by the public school confirms that just because you have intelligence doesn't mean you're a benefit to anybody.
I suggest going to play in traffic, that is if you find it interesting enough.
To everyone saying people need to learn to "type" better before posting a comment: how did you manage to link up your typewriters to the internet? Because last I checked one can only "type" on a typewriter. The process of using a keyboard is - wait for it - "keying". You all fail.
Let me tell you guys about the WORST kind of Starbucks customer: The Oompa Loompa coffee addict. Girls that somehow think they are attractive, and get homemade tans that make them look basically orange... Hence "Oompa Loompas". They walk in on their cell phones, talking about some kind of lame ass makeover they are about to receive, and ALWAYS order a medium iced coffee with extra milk. ALWAYS. And for some reason, they can't get off their fucking phones for one second to order a drink. And when the coffee guy asks what she wants, she acts all inconvenienced that he is interrupting her "important" conversation. Imagine what they did in the old days, when phones were like a fucking washing machine. I'll give them a makeover. I'll give em a face full of semen.
As a former Starbucks barista let me just say this list is right on the money!
AND EVERYTHING EVERYONE HAS LEFT AS A COMMENT IS FUNNY AS HELL TOO!
Seriously, there were days I wanted to bang my head against the grinder because I had to be around such big idiots. What did these people do before there was Starbucks?
From a former Starbucks partner...some of the biggest pains in the ass are the people who yammer on the cellie the entire time as they wait on line (no, no one here wants to know about your plastic surgery or how you're sleeping with the gardener) then have the gaul to shush the cashier when they reach the front. "Hold on a sec...(back to phone) yeah, and blather blather blather..." Asking me to hold would automatically make me serve every other customer in the line before the perp.
Somehow I think it's possible to get decent coffee without the cost and pretensions of Starbucks. Indonesian-grown beans are a big part of Starbucks' blend, and taste similar (the French found their SE Asian colonies to be great for coffee). Then there are those things called thermoses that keep it warm for a time after leaving the house.
Maybe the best thing about Starbucks is how they've become successful by not selling only coffee, but the opportunity to unashamedly present as a douche among douches.
"P.S. - I know someone’s gonna call me a hippie tree hugger or a homo crisis counselor or something else that they saw in a movie or read in a Chuck Klosterman book, but that’s okay."
Article: Worth a chuckle
All these comments: Much funnier
Teto's Comment: Funniest thing I have read all day
If you know Klosterman you're a genius in my book, GED or not.
Ah man, that picture of the peppy starbucks employee is me! Haha, I had to take some promo shots for this starbucks cd I was on and the photographer chose the worst possible picture in the freaking world. I'm not that annoying. I promise. That pose was a joke. Saaad
But to add: uh the suburban L.A. moms who thanks to their hefty amount of free time to do nothing but go to the gym and well, starbucks, look way hotter then their obviously insecure 12 year old daughter then tells her she can't have a pastry because they have too many calories. Not ok. I've seen moms with their 3 year olds tell them that they cant have something because of caloric content. I dont think the media is as responsible for eating disorders so much as THESE moms are.
Then there's the customers who order something not actually knowing what they order--then in the middle of a rush ask us to re-make it because in THEIR minds its not right when really it is-they just dont know.
Also--the people who say "expresso". Es... press.. o...
THere are also a large amount of people who just.. shouldnt be at starbucks in the first place. There are people who are on their way to work-have 10 minutes to get there barely and who think to themselves that they cam come into a store with the line out the freaking door and make it on time. then when they realize theyre gonna be late they complain to the employees like we forced them in here for their morning fix. NO. No we did not. Please do not yell at me because you are gonna be late to work. Its your fault for NEEDING to come in here with an obvious amount of time-consuming obstacles.
-- then there's people who really really are diet conscious ( in their heads) and then order something absolutely disgusting--like any sugar free drinks which in turn are TERRIBLE for you. --or a totally atkins drink like a Venti ( thats 20 oz) latte made with heavy whipping cream. 20 oz of heavy whipping cream? disgusting. have fun with your strokes and heart attacks--and your slim waist.
WTF?? I wanna set me up my own coffee shop...called.."ALIEN-NATION"
THIS ISAmerica....coffee here is coffee...I will have better prices,&a space ship to launch off the crazy fuckers,far,far away!
I never graduated High School and yet I am a genius, more so than the other self-proclaimed geniuses in the comments, and have two Master's degrees and a Doctorate to prove it. Not to mention the nod from the Illuminati and Xenu himself!
Neither of my diplomas is an MBA, which is essentially a pedigree certificate FOR morons.
I dont speel well, but that never stopped me from working for Oxford Dictionary for 106 years, did it?
Starfucks sucks and Tim's rules
if you are lucky enough to live in France or Italy coffee is like breathing fresh clean air, whereas in North America or the UK coffee is like breathing at the top of a Chinese power station smoke stack... on a good coffee day...
as for the 8 + more types of annoying people... fucked if I ever found one that wasn't... especially consumers.
consumption makes flaming assholes of us all!
get over it because you're one too, but love ya anyway! I mean, what choice do I have...
fuck it, I'm joining a Thai monastery! fuck you all!
how about the guy who leans on the bar where u pick up your drinks when his drink is like three back in line. Im always having to reach around these people for my drink because theyre too important to stand back like all the rest of us.
Homeschoolers regularly do better on all standardized tests than the poor saps drowning in the cesspool of public education. All the people in public schools (and I was one of them) ever learn is practical bullshit; they never learn how to be a free man.
People who make fun of those who got their GEDs are secretly jealous, because those of us who went in and took the 6 hour battery of tests got to get the fuck out of high school before the other kids. It's pretty much like figuring out a cheat code to skipping to the end of your senior year, which was awesome, personally.
Especially when you get that piece of paper in the mail that says "congratulations! you tested higher than 98% of all high school graduates on their comparative testing! And it only took you 6 hours! Go get some ice cream, you sassy thing."
Also, this list was excellent and true on all points.
How did this post turn into a battle for scholarly merit? Go to college and get a real degree. If you can't afford college, save for it. Then, go and get a real degree. If you are too stupid to get into college, read some books, then keep applying until you've been accepted. Then, go and get a real degree.
Starbucks is terrible! Too expensive and not worth it. Customers are noticing and to prove this, just check out their stock price! ouch :(
How about the thirty-something guy who hits on the baristas that he thinks are hitting on him but are really just making polite chit-ch... oh wait, that's me.
too funny - sitting in a starbucks reading this - as the very characters go by - and i'm on a pc laptop, not a mac whatever - so i'm not the pretend writer wannabe - however, might be the dude just killing time enjoying a coffee - oh....ok.... kinda boring.
Oh man, don't get me started on SB. I pull up there, w/ my boys right, and we're all flashing twenties and guns and shit. And I yell out, "give me about 30 fucking grande caps or i'll pop a cap in you, right."
And the whitey manager tell us we have to leave, 'coz this is a family establishment and moms bring their babies in and shit. Just as I'm about to get up in his face and shit, a little white girl comes walking around the counter. She looks up at me and says "are you my daddy?"
Oh man, don't get me started. How about the lady who is fishing around in her change purse cuz she just knows she has two pennies. I feel like tossing the cashier a loonie and screaming "here's a buck, now step out of the way!"
Coming from a Starbucks baristas, I feel like you missed the most important type of annoying person.
The drink checker.
This person is someone who orders their drink, and though there is a line of people that have been waiting longer, will stand right next to the hand off bar, and after every drink is called out, they will go to grab it and yell "IS THIS MINE!!!!!!!!!?????????" Undoubtedly they have a very complicated drink, and after you hand it out they will go through every part of their drink and make sure it's right.
AMEN HILARY!!!!!
I hate those types, and my store, almost completely made up of regular customers, who KNOW that we know their drinks inside and out, and YET everyday still do the "8 pump white mocha", "1/2 caf" or my favorite ... "Decaf right, De-caf? Ok, just making sure? I didn't hear you say decaf, is it decaf?" "Yes, Anna, it's decaf..."
So yeah, awesome!
So here's one for all the Baristas! You are loved!!!! Hugs to all!!!
While I agree with all of 3-8, I think they're stupid to complain about the last two. Seriously? You're complaining about people studying? has the author actually ever been to a university library? You know.. you kind of have to be quiet. And if you DO manage to get a private group room, they're usually cramped. Excuse me for trying to have a good time while getting some work done. Get your coffee, and GTFO like you seem to want to. And As for people who browse the DVD shelves.. I never buy things from those shelves.. I go to have coffee, but why the hell do you think they put them there? This guy is worse than most of the assholes he's writing about. He probably wrote this on his Macbook Pro in a starbucks.
Me: I'll have a coffee
Order Taker: What kind?
Me: The kind with coffee in it
Order Taker:What size
Me: Medium
Order Taker: So a Grande then?
Me: No, nothing Grande Senorita, just medium, But go ahead make it a large then.
Order Taker: So a Venti then?
Me: Yeah... wait... No... a large or a Grande as you said.
Order Taker: A Grande is a medium.
Me: How can a Grande be a medium when I thought Grande was Spanish for Large?
Me: As in Nachos El Grande
Me: I am not Spanish but I am almost sure that doesn't mean Nachos El Medium
Order Taker: No Venti is a large
Me: Well whats a small?
Order Taker: A small is a Tall.
Me: Lady, did you just hear yourself. That was almost incoherent.
Me: To some of us drinking coffee is not a physiological experiment.
Me: We drink it so we don't kill our co-workers.
Order Taker: So that's a Venti Americano' no whip
Me: Woah... Wait... Huh... I never said any of those words.
Order Taker: Well could you start over and repeat your order again please?
Me: Lady if I don't get a cup a coffee in the next five seconds I am going to Venti my morning anger all over your ass!
Whether young or old, homeschooled John, back a page and a half of comments or more, is right about one thing. Find a GED test online or in a book and suddenly you will realize how much you don't know, despite years and years of studying at a University. Be nice, it doesn't have to hurt someone to be funny.
(393 Comments)
Twitter
Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
May 21st, 2008 at 04:11 pm
@Pajamas, get off your ellipsis-using high horse.
It's spelled "Colombia" in many parts of the world, but the accepted Americanized form is, in fact, "Columbia."
Also, STFU.
May 21st, 2008 at 04:17 pm
Only 8? The whole Starbuucks experience oozes pretentiously nauseating self-importance. I tried Starbucks coffee once.....that was once too often. It was like their staff and customers, tasteless, overbearing and a waste of space.
May 21st, 2008 at 04:22 pm
Who cares if people are leaving comments with misspelled words or grammatical errors? Get off your high horse and try to look for the substance (and yes, I'm aware that sometimes there isn't any) in what people are trying to say instead of getting superficially getting caught up in how they are saying it.
No one cares that you can point out errors. It doesn't make you look intelligent, it just makes you look like an uptight asshole with a superiority complex.
Have a good day!
May 21st, 2008 at 04:33 pm
What, not cool to bring an iMac to a Starbucks? I do that - no like the laptops and I need to get the work done. I also wear a super-sized adult diaper (the iPoop if you must know) because the lactose makes me no good in the pants. Dig?
May 21st, 2008 at 04:36 pm
Most annoying to me are the tourists. Like 3 middle-aged women who obviously aren't on their way to work unlike 99% of the rest of us in line and don't know what they want, unlike the 99% of the rest of us in line. They sit and hem and haw, chewing up precious minutes, chatting, looking over the food, scanning the menu for an overly long time. Gah!
May 21st, 2008 at 04:38 pm
Anyone who goes into a Starbucks is annoying. I walked by one once and had to kick my own ass for being a pretentious douche. ITS JUST COFFEE! Anyone who goes there is a pretentious chump or faux intellectual. Coffee doesn't make you cool, or smart, no matter how many foreign words you throw in front of it. Lemmings....
May 21st, 2008 at 04:39 pm
I found this article searching for a good place to drop the "F-Bomb".
Fuck.
May 21st, 2008 at 04:48 pm
Actually, I think anyone that's willing to pay starbucks prices should pull their heads out of their asses, but by far the most annoying person you might encounter in a starbuck's is the person who spends so much time there that they feel that have the authority and knowledge to write an article about people you would encounter in starbucks that annoy you.
May 21st, 2008 at 04:49 pm
Coffee fucken sucks anyway!!!
May 21st, 2008 at 04:51 pm
I vote for the loud motherfucking phone talkers.
especially if they're speaking for the benefit of the cafe.
almost as bad as voc. school study groups.
May 21st, 2008 at 04:58 pm
So very true about the personalities listed in the article. It was quite a good laugh to say the least.
May 21st, 2008 at 05:04 pm
@ Irony
I'm also labeled a "Genius". But unlike you, I'm not a self-absorbed shitbag who does whatever he or she pleases. Just because you are gifted doesn't mean you should piss on societal norms. Being a "Genius" just means you had a certain score on a certain test, nothing more.
The fact that you claim to have a high IQ but had to get a GED tells most of the people with common sense that you're a piece of garbage. Why would an employer hire you if you only do the work you find interesting? Why would somebody want you to work for them knowing that at any moment your flighty personality might lead you to stop working on your current assignment in favor of doing something you find "more interesting". This isn't even getting into the fact that most of the "average" people were able to graduate from High School without doing much real work at all, if any.
The fact that there are many others out there who are considered to be Geniuses who don't make pompous posts about how they flunked out of public school but got their GED and were an "Innocent child" wronged by the public school confirms that just because you have intelligence doesn't mean you're a benefit to anybody.
I suggest going to play in traffic, that is if you find it interesting enough.
Douche.
May 21st, 2008 at 05:19 pm
To everyone saying people need to learn to "type" better before posting a comment: how did you manage to link up your typewriters to the internet? Because last I checked one can only "type" on a typewriter. The process of using a keyboard is - wait for it - "keying". You all fail.
May 21st, 2008 at 05:23 pm
Let me tell you guys about the WORST kind of Starbucks customer: The Oompa Loompa coffee addict. Girls that somehow think they are attractive, and get homemade tans that make them look basically orange... Hence "Oompa Loompas". They walk in on their cell phones, talking about some kind of lame ass makeover they are about to receive, and ALWAYS order a medium iced coffee with extra milk. ALWAYS. And for some reason, they can't get off their fucking phones for one second to order a drink. And when the coffee guy asks what she wants, she acts all inconvenienced that he is interrupting her "important" conversation. Imagine what they did in the old days, when phones were like a fucking washing machine. I'll give them a makeover. I'll give em a face full of semen.
May 21st, 2008 at 05:34 pm
You totally forgot about the chit chat non working house wifes that talk about nothing.
May 21st, 2008 at 05:35 pm
Benjamin Butt-ring
"It’s spelled “Colombia” in many parts of the world, but the accepted Americanized form is, in fact, “Columbia.”"
No idiot - it's Colombia... he wasn't referring to damn "British Columbia". You must be a MBA.
May 21st, 2008 at 05:41 pm
As a former Starbucks barista let me just say this list is right on the money!
AND EVERYTHING EVERYONE HAS LEFT AS A COMMENT IS FUNNY AS HELL TOO!
Seriously, there were days I wanted to bang my head against the grinder because I had to be around such big idiots. What did these people do before there was Starbucks?
May 21st, 2008 at 05:45 pm
MILFS are fun.
May 21st, 2008 at 05:54 pm
From a former Starbucks partner...some of the biggest pains in the ass are the people who yammer on the cellie the entire time as they wait on line (no, no one here wants to know about your plastic surgery or how you're sleeping with the gardener) then have the gaul to shush the cashier when they reach the front. "Hold on a sec...(back to phone) yeah, and blather blather blather..." Asking me to hold would automatically make me serve every other customer in the line before the perp.
May 21st, 2008 at 06:03 pm
Somehow I think it's possible to get decent coffee without the cost and pretensions of Starbucks. Indonesian-grown beans are a big part of Starbucks' blend, and taste similar (the French found their SE Asian colonies to be great for coffee). Then there are those things called thermoses that keep it warm for a time after leaving the house.
Maybe the best thing about Starbucks is how they've become successful by not selling only coffee, but the opportunity to unashamedly present as a douche among douches.
May 21st, 2008 at 06:07 pm
How about those annoying Christian prayer groups. Pray at home or in church. I don't want to see that shit while sipping my latte....
May 21st, 2008 at 06:16 pm
"P.S. - I know someone’s gonna call me a hippie tree hugger or a homo crisis counselor or something else that they saw in a movie or read in a Chuck Klosterman book, but that’s okay."
Article: Worth a chuckle
All these comments: Much funnier
Teto's Comment: Funniest thing I have read all day
If you know Klosterman you're a genius in my book, GED or not.
May 21st, 2008 at 06:17 pm
Ah man, that picture of the peppy starbucks employee is me! Haha, I had to take some promo shots for this starbucks cd I was on and the photographer chose the worst possible picture in the freaking world. I'm not that annoying. I promise. That pose was a joke. Saaad
But to add: uh the suburban L.A. moms who thanks to their hefty amount of free time to do nothing but go to the gym and well, starbucks, look way hotter then their obviously insecure 12 year old daughter then tells her she can't have a pastry because they have too many calories. Not ok. I've seen moms with their 3 year olds tell them that they cant have something because of caloric content. I dont think the media is as responsible for eating disorders so much as THESE moms are.
Then there's the customers who order something not actually knowing what they order--then in the middle of a rush ask us to re-make it because in THEIR minds its not right when really it is-they just dont know.
Also--the people who say "expresso". Es... press.. o...
THere are also a large amount of people who just.. shouldnt be at starbucks in the first place. There are people who are on their way to work-have 10 minutes to get there barely and who think to themselves that they cam come into a store with the line out the freaking door and make it on time. then when they realize theyre gonna be late they complain to the employees like we forced them in here for their morning fix. NO. No we did not. Please do not yell at me because you are gonna be late to work. Its your fault for NEEDING to come in here with an obvious amount of time-consuming obstacles.
-- then there's people who really really are diet conscious ( in their heads) and then order something absolutely disgusting--like any sugar free drinks which in turn are TERRIBLE for you. --or a totally atkins drink like a Venti ( thats 20 oz) latte made with heavy whipping cream. 20 oz of heavy whipping cream? disgusting. have fun with your strokes and heart attacks--and your slim waist.
May 21st, 2008 at 06:23 pm
WTF?? I wanna set me up my own coffee shop...called.."ALIEN-NATION"
THIS ISAmerica....coffee here is coffee...I will have better prices,&a space ship to launch off the crazy fuckers,far,far away!
May 21st, 2008 at 06:29 pm
Geez, you commenters are idiots...
I never graduated High School and yet I am a genius, more so than the other self-proclaimed geniuses in the comments, and have two Master's degrees and a Doctorate to prove it. Not to mention the nod from the Illuminati and Xenu himself!
Neither of my diplomas is an MBA, which is essentially a pedigree certificate FOR morons.
I dont speel well, but that never stopped me from working for Oxford Dictionary for 106 years, did it?
Starfucks sucks and Tim's rules
if you are lucky enough to live in France or Italy coffee is like breathing fresh clean air, whereas in North America or the UK coffee is like breathing at the top of a Chinese power station smoke stack... on a good coffee day...
as for the 8 + more types of annoying people... fucked if I ever found one that wasn't... especially consumers.
consumption makes flaming assholes of us all!
get over it because you're one too, but love ya anyway! I mean, what choice do I have...
fuck it, I'm joining a Thai monastery! fuck you all!
May 21st, 2008 at 06:33 pm
how about the guy who leans on the bar where u pick up your drinks when his drink is like three back in line. Im always having to reach around these people for my drink because theyre too important to stand back like all the rest of us.
May 21st, 2008 at 06:42 pm
Hey Mike,
I order my Chai with an extra shot, oh and the Jews did 9/11.
May 21st, 2008 at 07:10 pm
Homeschoolers regularly do better on all standardized tests than the poor saps drowning in the cesspool of public education. All the people in public schools (and I was one of them) ever learn is practical bullshit; they never learn how to be a free man.
May 21st, 2008 at 07:15 pm
People who make fun of those who got their GEDs are secretly jealous, because those of us who went in and took the 6 hour battery of tests got to get the fuck out of high school before the other kids. It's pretty much like figuring out a cheat code to skipping to the end of your senior year, which was awesome, personally.
Especially when you get that piece of paper in the mail that says "congratulations! you tested higher than 98% of all high school graduates on their comparative testing! And it only took you 6 hours! Go get some ice cream, you sassy thing."
Also, this list was excellent and true on all points.
May 21st, 2008 at 07:18 pm
I like turtles!
May 21st, 2008 at 07:23 pm
How did this post turn into a battle for scholarly merit? Go to college and get a real degree. If you can't afford college, save for it. Then, go and get a real degree. If you are too stupid to get into college, read some books, then keep applying until you've been accepted. Then, go and get a real degree.
Starbucks is terrible! Too expensive and not worth it. Customers are noticing and to prove this, just check out their stock price! ouch :(
May 21st, 2008 at 07:25 pm
How about the thirty-something guy who hits on the baristas that he thinks are hitting on him but are really just making polite chit-ch... oh wait, that's me.
May 21st, 2008 at 07:36 pm
Ninja Turtles > turtles
May 21st, 2008 at 07:44 pm
too funny - sitting in a starbucks reading this - as the very characters go by - and i'm on a pc laptop, not a mac whatever - so i'm not the pretend writer wannabe - however, might be the dude just killing time enjoying a coffee - oh....ok.... kinda boring.
May 21st, 2008 at 07:45 pm
Oh man, don't get me started on SB. I pull up there, w/ my boys right, and we're all flashing twenties and guns and shit. And I yell out, "give me about 30 fucking grande caps or i'll pop a cap in you, right."
And the whitey manager tell us we have to leave, 'coz this is a family establishment and moms bring their babies in and shit. Just as I'm about to get up in his face and shit, a little white girl comes walking around the counter. She looks up at me and says "are you my daddy?"
Man, we wuz outta there like diarrhea.
May 21st, 2008 at 07:48 pm
ROLLING ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING MY ASS OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I NEVER THOUGHT THAT I WOULD USE THE COMPLETE ACRONYM UNTIL NOW!!!!!
This is the funniest shit ever...just made my few days on earth!!!!!!
May 21st, 2008 at 07:53 pm
Oh man, don't get me started. How about the lady who is fishing around in her change purse cuz she just knows she has two pennies. I feel like tossing the cashier a loonie and screaming "here's a buck, now step out of the way!"
May 21st, 2008 at 07:54 pm
Coming from a Starbucks baristas, I feel like you missed the most important type of annoying person.
The drink checker.
This person is someone who orders their drink, and though there is a line of people that have been waiting longer, will stand right next to the hand off bar, and after every drink is called out, they will go to grab it and yell "IS THIS MINE!!!!!!!!!?????????" Undoubtedly they have a very complicated drink, and after you hand it out they will go through every part of their drink and make sure it's right.
"Is this decaf?"
"Two pumps?"
"Soy?"
"No Whip?"
etc
May 21st, 2008 at 08:03 pm
Shit -my latte is now cold and the free wifi I was stealing has just buzzed out - gotta move on - thanks for the laughs and entertainment
May 21st, 2008 at 08:08 pm
AMEN HILARY!!!!!
I hate those types, and my store, almost completely made up of regular customers, who KNOW that we know their drinks inside and out, and YET everyday still do the "8 pump white mocha", "1/2 caf" or my favorite ... "Decaf right, De-caf? Ok, just making sure? I didn't hear you say decaf, is it decaf?" "Yes, Anna, it's decaf..."
So yeah, awesome!
So here's one for all the Baristas! You are loved!!!! Hugs to all!!!
May 21st, 2008 at 08:35 pm
While I agree with all of 3-8, I think they're stupid to complain about the last two. Seriously? You're complaining about people studying? has the author actually ever been to a university library? You know.. you kind of have to be quiet. And if you DO manage to get a private group room, they're usually cramped. Excuse me for trying to have a good time while getting some work done. Get your coffee, and GTFO like you seem to want to. And As for people who browse the DVD shelves.. I never buy things from those shelves.. I go to have coffee, but why the hell do you think they put them there? This guy is worse than most of the assholes he's writing about. He probably wrote this on his Macbook Pro in a starbucks.
May 21st, 2008 at 08:44 pm
I hate all people equally!
May 21st, 2008 at 08:45 pm
What, what, in the butt.
May 21st, 2008 at 08:49 pm
Great article!
Number 7's drive me nuts....
And I love playing with the #4's...
Have a great day!
Mr. Twenty Twenty
http://www.exhostage.com
May 21st, 2008 at 08:53 pm
i disagree with #1 b/c i get fucking bored waiting in line for sbux so i gotta entertain myself somehow!!
that being said, this list is hilarious, they should feature it on DFT News of the Weird: http://digitalfuntown.squarespace.com/dft-blog/2008/5/16/dft-news-episod...
May 21st, 2008 at 09:00 pm
My first Starbucks experience: (The honest truth)
Me: I'll have a coffee
Order Taker: What kind?
Me: The kind with coffee in it
Order Taker:What size
Me: Medium
Order Taker: So a Grande then?
Me: No, nothing Grande Senorita, just medium, But go ahead make it a large then.
Order Taker: So a Venti then?
Me: Yeah... wait... No... a large or a Grande as you said.
Order Taker: A Grande is a medium.
Me: How can a Grande be a medium when I thought Grande was Spanish for Large?
Me: As in Nachos El Grande
Me: I am not Spanish but I am almost sure that doesn't mean Nachos El Medium
Order Taker: No Venti is a large
Me: Well whats a small?
Order Taker: A small is a Tall.
Me: Lady, did you just hear yourself. That was almost incoherent.
Me: To some of us drinking coffee is not a physiological experiment.
Me: We drink it so we don't kill our co-workers.
Order Taker: So that's a Venti Americano' no whip
Me: Woah... Wait... Huh... I never said any of those words.
Order Taker: Well could you start over and repeat your order again please?
Me: Lady if I don't get a cup a coffee in the next five seconds I am going to Venti my morning anger all over your ass!
-
May 21st, 2008 at 09:29 pm
Starbucks has 4 sizes... so... how do your sizes match up with theirs?
May 21st, 2008 at 09:32 pm
Whether young or old, homeschooled John, back a page and a half of comments or more, is right about one thing. Find a GED test online or in a book and suddenly you will realize how much you don't know, despite years and years of studying at a University. Be nice, it doesn't have to hurt someone to be funny.
May 21st, 2008 at 09:38 pm
Mike - A dirty Chai is the best!!
May 21st, 2008 at 09:38 pm
What is a MILFS?
Post new comment