Who Wants Some Insect Balls?

The world is an imperfect place. That's why we have our best and brightest inventing useful things like shampoo and BBQ sauce and Flowbees for us to make our lives easier. Seriously, where would our civilization be without the world's leading vacuum-based haircutting system? Well, move over Flowbee because there's a new amazing invention in town and it's called Insect Balls. According to the patent:

The problem frequenting sports enthusiasts, such as golfers, fishermen, softball players, etc., has been gnats surrounding one's face during the playing of the game. Prior attempts to rid oneself of the gnats would include spraying with bug repellant, waving a hat back and forth, or lifting the hat to above one's head to attract the gnats.

These prior methods have been unacceptable in that the gnats or insects will still be attracted to one's head.

My solution: Insect Balls!

Spray a ball with insect attractant, stick that ball on a rod and attach it to your hat with an alligator clip.

See, this idea is so totally gnatshit crazy that it's genius. Don't waste all your time spraying effective insect repellant on your body. What you should do instead is spray insect attractant on a small stick hovering over your head. You have to think outside the box if you're going to get the relatively small number of gnats away from your face...and attract every single gnat within a two-mile radius to an area that is extremely close to your head. The gnats would never think to look for you right under their noses (if gnats have noses.)

That, my friend, is the genius of Insect Balls. Since this patent was written in 1990, I'm sure it will be on the shelves any day now. See, look at all the awesome activities you can do while attracting gnats to yourself:

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