14 Songs You Should Never Play In A Bar
There’s nothing worse than having a perfectly good drinking session ruined by a song that either doesn’t belong in a bar, has been crammed down your ears too many times, or just plain sucks.
14. ALL I WANNA DO – SHERYL CROW
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The 45-year-old wannabe cougar who, despite being totally beaten down by her dead-end job as a real estate agent, thinks she can relate to the free spiritedness this song represents. She could totally drink beer at noon on a Tuesday…if she didn’t have to be at work. And she could totally drive down Santa Monica Boulevard with some guy named Billy or Mac or Buddy…if she didn’t have to pick her kids up from soccer practice. So, instead of going all Thelma and Louise, she ends up dancing with her other cougar friends before calling it a night in time to catch Grey’s Anatomy.
WHY IT NEEDS TO BE RETIRED: When played at a bar, it does nothing but get a bunch of middle-aged women with fupas and gunts up on the dance floor who ask the DJ to play “Margaritaville” next.
13. MR. BRIGHTSIDE – THE KILLERS
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The wanna-be hipster. That’s right, he’s not a hipster, but he is choosing to become one. That’s like being potty trained and choosing to shit your pants. Unfortunately for him, the killers lost hipster credibility when they became profitable to a record label. So, even though he’s wearing a t-shirt featuring the tour dates of a band he’s never heard of, and really really tight jeans, once he’s popped this song on, other hipsters react like a Klu Klux Klansman hearing his buddy quote a Martin Lawrence movie.
WHY IT NEEDS TO RETIRE: The sound of the lead singer bellowing “I NEEEEVVVEEERRRR” towards the end of the song is reminiscent of the sound a man makes when he inadvertently sits on his testicles. The worst part about this song being picked in a juke box is that someone is definitely trying to say something about themselves, thus the next two selections his dollar provided is going to be even more shitty emo. By the end, you’ll want to take the Pabst Blue Ribbon he’s forcing himself to drink and lodge it in your windpipe.
12. R.E.M. – IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT (AND I FEEL FINE)
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The bespectacled, sweater-wearing grad schooler who wants to play a song that shows off his knowledge of political and world affairs. He almost puts on Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start The Fire” but figured REM might make him look a little hipper. But his inability to talk to the opposite sex compels him to explain every cultural reference in the lyrics. “Did you know Leonid Brezhnev served as leader of the Communist party longer than anyone except Stalin? It’s true. And Lester Bangs was an influential music writer who wrote for Rolling Stone and Creem magazines. Hey, where are you going? ”
WHY IT NEEDS TO BE RETIRED: Everyone who hears this song thinks they can sing along, but they always end up screwing up the words. So you get a bar full of people screaming, “That’s great it starts with an earthquake…birds…Lenny Bruce!…hurricane…LEONARD BERNSTEIN…oh wait, that comes later.”
11. DANCING QUEEN – ABBA
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: She’s a shy wallflower with lots of acne in her mid-20s who still reads Sweet Valley High books and plays with her My Little Pony dolls. This song represents her fairy tale dream where she steps onto the dance floor and wows all the guys with her graceful moves. At the end of the night she’s swept off her feet by a handsome Prince Charming who takes her away in a chariot led by 10 mighty steeds. Later that evening, she realizes she’s in a rusty 1984 Datsun and the guy next to her has a pizza stain on his Foreigner T-shirt and he’s asking her to chip in for gas money.
WHY IT NEEDS TO BE RETIRED: It’s disco.
10. SWEET HOME ALABAMA – LYNYRD SKYNYRD
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: Look to the bar, there’s probably a gentleman there who’s wearing a flannel shirt with black sleeves. Upon closer inspection, you’ll realize he’s wearing a sleeveless flannel shirt, and what you thought were sleeves are actually a dark, dense fur that’s made a home on in his shoulders and upper arms. He’ll meander up to the juke box and stare it for ten minutes looking through every album twice, because unlike the sex he has with his obese wife, he’s in no rush to finish. When he selects the song, watch closely, because as it begins to play, he’ll say the words “turn it up,” then hold his hand up and when Skynyrd says “turn it up,” he’ll drop his hand down, signifying that he correctly predicted Skynyrd would say this as well.
WHY IT NEEDS TO RETIRE: If Lynyrd Skynyrd had a Juke Box at their house, I’m pretty sure this wouldn’t be on it. This song, much like Jenna Jameson’s vagina, once was great, but years of non-stop commercialized rocking have made it unsuitable for use.
9. DON’T STOP BELIEVING – JOURNEY
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The middle aged guy who’s still in the suit he bought just to make sure he landed the Peterson account, which he did! But he knows it’s Friday now, time to order some chicken fingers and let loose! Right before he plays the song, he’ll talk to his buddies about how they should totally take a trip to Vegas together. “Fuck it, let’s just do it.” Then they’ll all check their blackberries to find that they either have a prostate exam, a kid’s play to go to, or “wife wants to go see her parents so I kind of got to keep my weekends open for whenever that will be.” Then they’ll sit in silence until one of them leaves and heads to the juke box to make this ass kicking selection.
WHY IT NEEDS TO RETIRE: This song is as played out as Steve Perry is ugly. Whenever it’s selected on a juke box, it’s like a time out is being called from having fun. If this still pumps you up to hear, you probably also get pumped up when your wife says stuff like “I rented the first season of that show “The Closer” that my sister recommended. Maybe if I’m not too tired afterwards we’ll have sex or something
8. SMOOTH – CARLOS SANTANA AND ROB THOMAS
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The mega brodawg wearing a white bandana and rings on his fingers who “cannot believe!” that his “main man” Carlos Santana got together with the lead singer of the “totally best fuckin’ band ever” Matchbox Twenty. Seriously, this has “gotta be the best jam of all time, bro.” He’s pretty sure that the only way a better song would come along is if “Jimi came back from the dead to play with, like, Mozart, bro. Totally.”
WHY IT NEEDS TO BE RETIRED: It’s a washed-up guitarist joining forces with the world’s blandest singer to write a song that my parent’s older friend’s like (honestly). This song should only be played on the jukebox in homes for the deaf.
7. HOTEL CALIFORNIA - THE EAGLES
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The college freshman who just “discovered music” and is “getting into” the “deep and heavy lyrics.” This gateway song will lead this young man into an ill-advised Steve Miller concert, Pink Floyd posters on his dorm walls and, tragically, the purchase of a Phish album. If you see these signs in anyone attempting to use the jukebox, call the authorities immediately.
WHY IT NEEDS TO BE RETIRED: This song has been played so much even Glenn Frey and Don Henley stab their own ears with icepicks whenever they hear it. Killing someone for playing it is legal in 13 states.
6. I WILL SURVIVE – GLORIA GAYNOR
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The 39 year old newly divorced woman whose friends have taken her to a bar where they’re all ten years older than the everyone in the bar, including the manager. After a 45 minute session where she and her friends repeatedly convince her that “any guy in this bar would fuck you. I’m telling you, Janice. You show me one other person who’s had three kids and is as hot as you!” she downs her last cosmo and makes a beeline for the juke box. She confidently plays this song, and as the beginning piano solo comes in, she turns around towards her friends as they all excitedly scream in unison, then begin singing. Behind them a group of 25 year old frat guys say “How many beers to take down the grandma?”
WHY IT NEEDS OT RETIRE: Nothing kills a buzz faster than having a group of people next to you get up and sing a song with the same passion and intensity of Russell Crowe speech from Gladiator, then suddenly sitting down once the song is over. Attempting to empower yourself by singing a 70s disco song tells the whole bar “I have low self esteem. Talk to me later when I’m drunk and there’s a good chance I’ll fuck you.”
5. MEATLOAF – PARADISE BY THE DASHBOARD LIGHT
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: With his over-the-top Broadway theatrics and his over-the-belt belly fat, Meatloaf attracts the tubby, pony-tailed husky guy who thinks to himself, “Hey, if a great big fatass like Meatloaf can pull this off, then I can too. Because I am also a great big fatass.” He then proceeds to try and out Meatloaf Meatloaf by undoing his pony tail for full hair-flip effect, props one knee on a table and sings along as loud as he possibly can. When he tries to get a girl to do the “let me sleep on it” part she politely declines and he’s forced to sing both the male and female parts by himself. Moments after the song is over he goes home, very alone.
WHY IT NEEDS TO BE RETIRED: First off, it’s eight minutes long. Secondly, it’s shitty Meatloaf singing about having sex in a car. The man is too fat to have sex in a barn. I’m pretty sure those are the only two reasons you need.
4. KID ROCK – BAWIDABA
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: He’s got a lifted truck that’s most likely powered by gasoline and “deez nuts.” He’s pounding bud lights sitting at the bar in a shirt that’s either sleeveless, or with sleeves short enough to show off the tattoo he got to commemorate the animal that most closely resembles the demeanor he displayed while playing middle linebacker in high school. He’s also a few beers deep and “there’s a lotta fatties and uptight bitches in this place,” so it’s vital that he take it upon himself to “fucking rock THIS SHIT brother.” He walks over to the juke box while maintaining a full body flex and enters the numbers for this song. Then he nods his head approvingly, as if to say to everyone “Don’t worry, you’re about to see what I picked and it’s gonna take your nuts and shove them inside your asshole, bro.”
WHY IT NEEDS TO RETIRE: Unlike some other songs on the list, this was never an acceptable juke box selection. The only time this is an appropriate selection is when you’re a stripper working the mid-day shift and you need a pick me up because you’re feeling gassy from the free hot dog lunch buffet your club was offering.
3. ANYTHING BY THE BEATLES - THE BEATLES
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: He or she is around 55 and although they seriously considered a cut off the Beach Boys “Pet Sounds” album, “you just can’t go wrong with the beatles.” They’re wearing Teva Sandles and a sweater from whatever college their son or daughter attended. They don’t go to the bar that often, but hey, who doesn’t love a good margarita. Maybe it’ll get them drunk enough to have sex with their significant other who has become disgusting with age! They’ll probably be sitting with several other older people who are waiting for just the right time to pull out their story about when they first heard this beatles song, which will be a lie, since the actual first time they heard it they were smoking laced weed while awkwardly looking for a place to shoot their load in the circle jerk that just “sort of happened.”
WHY IT NEEDS TO RETIRE: Before you freak the fuck out, we’re not saying the Beatles suck. The Beatles are a legendary and influential band and because of that, everybody has heard every one of their songs so many times that it feels like you’re living in North Korea and its propaganda spewing from megaphones mounted in the street.
2. PIANO MAN – BILLY JOEL
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The lonely guy wearing a suit, who just took off his sportcoat, loosened his tie and undid the top button on his shirt. After ordering a scotch and soda he asks the bartender where he was when this song came out. Instead of listening to the guy’s answer, he immediately starts telling him how he came this close to signing to the Mets farm team and how his wife left him because he worked too much and that he really wanted to be a astronaut when he was a kid. Hours later, when he’s finally done with his pity party and gets up to leave, he doesn’t even notice that the bartender hung himself with a bar towel.
WHY IT NEEDS TO BE RETIRED: It makes everyone over 37 all weepy and sad as they sit there and reminisce about all their hope and dreams that never came true. And it makes everyone under 37 furious with murderous rage because they have to listen to this shitty song one more time.
1. AMERICAN PIE – DON MCLEAN
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The 55-year-old hippie who’s long, thinning hair and tie-dyed T-shirt scream desperation for a bye-gone era. He’ll spend the entire 8:32 of this epic ballad telling you how much better things were back in the 1960s because the youth actually fought for something. Then, because this song is so goddamn long, he’ll run out of boring stories and will start telling you his “secrets he learned in ‘Nam” that the government invented cancer and that LSD is the only true form of learning. Once it’s finally over, he’ll ask you to sign a petition to legalize hash.
WHY IT NEEDS TO BE RETIRED: It’s an eight-minute long shitty folk ballad that has long outlived it’s welcome. It needs to die.
This list was inspired while sitting in a bar with John Sellers. He wrote a book about music. You should buy it.
Tags: bar, jukebox, songs need to die
June 17th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
I like MR Brightside, but yeah, the end does get really annoying.
June 17th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
NO! Mr. brightside sucks. All Killers songs suck. And all the fucking stupid bands that try to sound like The Killers suck. Fuck the entire modern rock era. I bet all you stupid MGMT fans are gonna come out of the woodwork
June 17th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Not bad, but the Beatles actually do suck. Just sayin’.
June 17th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
thanks so much, now all these songs are playing in my head, like a tortuous playlist
June 17th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
You forgot Strokin’
June 17th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
you forgot summer of 69′ by Bryan Adams
Who plays it: The 55 yr old female rocker who goes to the bar with her deadbeat husband and still wears the same clothes she wore in high school
June 17th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
I love the new jukeboxes where you can pay 50 more cents to stop shit like this from playing.
June 17th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
MATT PILOT, can you come pick up your mom? She’s at my bar playing that stupid song again.[img]http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_12_6.gif[/img]
June 17th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
Hey Taco Boy,
I’m thinking that you need to go to bars with a younger clientele. Either that, or go to a club where they play live music.
June 17th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
I guess this list works, if I’m actually that terrified of what people think of me, and can’t round up a group of friends to go get goofy in a bar. You play songs that everyone’s heard *because* everyone has heard them. Frankly, this list reads like a fun, drunk Friday night with my buddies.
June 17th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
You forgot Freebird by Skynyrd. That song should only play right at last call because it gives you just enough time to order one more round, finish your drink, and get the fuck out of my bar.
June 17th, 2008 at 6:02 pm
Dude, check yourself. I agree on most, but some songs are timeless. Don’t Stop Believin’ may go down as the number fucking one song ever. Hotel California is played when you are buzzed good, and Freebird is when you are so fucked up you do not care anymore. You’re lucky there was no Springsteen on your list or I would come over and skull fuck you and ass fuck your wife! LOL Cocksucker.
June 17th, 2008 at 6:25 pm
What else doesn’t work: tired lists like these written by some fucking 25 year old, 140 lb. kid whose parents (those 55 year old assholes he wrote about) paid for all his degrees, including grad school, and the schmuckin’ ‘lit’l faggot’ (you forgot Dire Straits stupid Money fer Nuthin’) still can’t find a real job.
Your money, your song. What the hell do you care?
June 17th, 2008 at 6:26 pm
Oh, and the only adjective he can use is ‘fuckin,’ cause for him, it’s never a verb.
June 17th, 2008 at 7:11 pm
Hee hee, now I’m armed with not only money for the jukebox, but a PLAYLIST!
Muahhahahahh!
June 17th, 2008 at 7:14 pm
No votes for Garth Brooks - Friends in Low Places? This ranks up there with the most over played, obnoxious, make you want to vomit-type song ever!
June 17th, 2008 at 7:14 pm
You forgot anything and everything by all the execrable ’80s hair bands.
June 17th, 2008 at 7:16 pm
Sweet Home Alabama? Are you kidding me? What is that song doing on the list? Thats a fav down here in the South! Any Lynard Skynard for that matter is a good bar hit!
JT
http://www.FireMe.to/udi
June 17th, 2008 at 7:16 pm
Don’t forget to add Toby Kieth’s ‘I love this bar’
I cannot tell you how annoying it is to listen to this crap over and over when you’re at a bar.
June 17th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
‘The Gambler’ gets flogged to death down-under. Worst part is, the entire bar erupts into song when it’s played. If you’re not expecting that, it SCARES THE SHIT out of you.
June 17th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
Brilliant. You named 13 songs you hate. Way to go out on a limb.
June 17th, 2008 at 7:19 pm
man the guy who made the list is a moron. probably plays some song by all saints to get happy. beatles? you can play that anywhere.
June 17th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
How about Jack Black doing Fucker Her Gently?
Every deuschbag in the bar sings along like it’s the coolest new thing around, only it got horribly lame after the 1000000th time it was played a few years ago.
June 17th, 2008 at 7:24 pm
Sweet Home Alabama is awful. It’s even worse as a karaoke song because nobody knows any of the lyrics.
June 17th, 2008 at 7:24 pm
Re: American Pie…
Agreed, but you must mean that “LSD” is the only form of learning, not “LCD”. Peace.
June 17th, 2008 at 7:26 pm
Good call on American Pie, that song is shit. Ditto on that Closing Time song they play at the bar when they put the lights up. Some other bar songs I hate include Brown Eyed Girl (used to be my cue to exit), Cecilia, and Trooper’s “Here for a good time” or whatever. And any DJ who still breaks out Cotton Eyed Joe should be stomped to death.
June 17th, 2008 at 7:26 pm
“LCD is the only true form of learning” LSD?
June 17th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
LCD or LSD?
LCD is a great way to learn if you have an internet connection, and some good resources.
June 17th, 2008 at 7:29 pm
blast! beaten to the punch by 2 other people in 2 other minutes…
well, you still suck. nah nah nah boo boo
June 17th, 2008 at 7:29 pm
Quote “The only time this is an appropriate selection is when you’re a stripper working the mid-day shift and you need a pick me up because you’re feeling gassy from the free hot dog lunch buffet your club was offering.”
Now that is a vivid example. hilarious blog
-maxxstiles
maxxstiles.com
June 17th, 2008 at 7:30 pm
First time I heard Mr Brightside, I didn’t even know who the Killers were. I just remember thinking, “Man this song should be the end credits to some sappy movie”.
June 17th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
Man you guys are jerks these are great songs; feel free to play this stuff in the bar I go to!
June 17th, 2008 at 7:36 pm
The author makes many good points, and I would agree that many of these songs are overplayed. What does it mean to say that _______ song should NEVER be played in certain place? I understand that this post is primarily intended to garner traffic, but how can you make such broadbrush statements about these artists and their fans? You have to remember that every single musician on this list is EXCEPTIONALLY talented, meaning that:
1. Yes, he/she/they is a better musician than you will ever be. period.
2. Although these songs have definitely been worn out on the radio, someone who pays 50 cents to hear one of these is not necessarily (although quite possibly) inferior to a prestigious and visionary blogger such as yourself.
3. Lighten up and appreciate these songs for what they are: the sum of talented musicians and a corrupt industry that aims to grab as many fans as possible from a nation of 300 million people.
It’s really not necessary to shit on everyone who, judged unfavorably by your superior and undoubtedly learned musical tastes, jukeboxes an overplayed song. These ignorant Americans are human beings with some value outside of their drunken choices.
June 17th, 2008 at 7:40 pm
Of course they are played out, most of these songs are 20 + years old but atleast for the most part these are good songs. Ever been to a bar/club in recent years, where BAD songs are played out over, and over again. I think id rather eat filet mignon every night instead of steak-ums.
June 17th, 2008 at 7:43 pm
these songs are all gay. which is why I
lovecherishabhor them.June 17th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
Why doesnt anyone understand that one of you will love the piano man, the other will hate it. Its pointless to write the comments on a blog because its not going to change anything.
Good day
- Noble peers.
June 17th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
All songs suck. Even your top 14, which I don’t see listed, mister author person. You’re a few years away from having the next wearisome batch of young immortals mock whatever it is you think is cool to play right now.
On the bright side, it’s just music. Get over it.
June 17th, 2008 at 7:47 pm
If you’re using the word hipster like you mean it, then there is no hope for you. Might as well commit this list to memory, you’re going to be listening to them for a long time. Oh, I forgot, you’re gonna be young and cool forever and ever…
June 17th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
WORST.
LIST.
EVER.
Aside from the pompousness of “My musical taste is better than yours”, some of these songs are EVEN BETTER when you’ve had a bunch to drink. They totally belong in a bar. Most of these songs are good on their own, let alone after a bunch of drinks.
Personal differences aside, anything kid rock does belongs on all of the “worst list” lists.
June 17th, 2008 at 7:50 pm
Ah, so here’s another bitter blog by a self-absorbed tool in attempt to show that he knows a lot about music.
June 17th, 2008 at 7:51 pm
Thanks for this man! The best post I’ve read in quite some time
June 17th, 2008 at 7:52 pm
This is complete shit… the other list of hodgepodge junk was that “You know when you see a douche bag when he or she is doing…etc”. So lame. And for the record, The Beatles fucking pwn
June 17th, 2008 at 7:59 pm
This is seriously a horrible list - REALLY BAD
Phish rocks the socks off your whole lil black cd book - book it.
Classics don’t stop being good songs b/c of said status, hence, people listen. Played out or not.
The beatles? Seriously? helter skelter your mom, b1tch.
all the picks are so obvious - sheryl crow, the eagles, etc yeah you are right - but for all the hipster complaining you do, you sound somewhat defensive…
June 17th, 2008 at 7:59 pm
You sound like someone too socially inept to enjoy a bar. The whole point of bar songs is to have loud music everyone from college girls to dirty old men can sing along to and have a good time. Your commentary was not even insightful… Learn to love it and maybe someday you’ll even manage to talk to a girl at a bar.
June 17th, 2008 at 8:00 pm
so how’s ripping us off working out for you guys? really? awesome.
June 17th, 2008 at 8:01 pm
I chose bawidaba as the theme for my skydiving video. I must have a lifted truck? I played Dancing Queen to get some skinheads out of my bar, I must have a collection of My Little Ponies? Is the author old enough to GO to a bar? Lame and lame.
June 17th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
If any of y’all play these songs when you’re drunk you’re fucking homos. THE BEATLES BLOW. They should have all been shot.
June 17th, 2008 at 8:03 pm
i thought this article was hilarious,
and rob thomas is a no talent a-hole so i agree.
but if you knock on santana you really know nothing about music. nothing
June 17th, 2008 at 8:06 pm
What’s worse, actually playing these songs in a bar, or arguing on an Internet message board over which songs shouldn’t be played in a bar?
June 17th, 2008 at 8:07 pm
Don’t Forget about Stairway to Heaven
June 17th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
You’re an idiot. Please don’t write again until you learn to do it better. Nothing worse than someone who just bashes without any insight. Lets see what’s on your iPod!
June 17th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
most of these songs are epic to begin with, but while drunk, they become funny combined with epic as you watch drunk middle aged men belt out the high pitched notes of don’t stop believing.
Music that doesn’t belong in a bar: Rap, techno, pop
I think that about covers it
June 17th, 2008 at 8:22 pm
42 comments? That’s impressive shit.
But my state of impressiveness is over shadowed by my pity for all these people who are freaking out and giving themselves aneurysms over a humorous list. You all probably get laughed at behind your backs by your friends because you’re terribly lame, and miss the point of most topics-of-conversation. You’re probably a decent person though, I’m sure your mother thinks so at least. But look on the bright side buck-a-roos, your friends are probably douche bags anyway, and what they say is just as irrelevant as what you say.
June 17th, 2008 at 8:35 pm
NO! Mr. brightside sucks. All Killers songs suck. And all the fucking stupid bands that try to sound like The Killers suck. Fuck the entire modern rock era. I bet all you stupid MGMT fans are gonna come out of the woodwork
Finally, someone who agrees that modern rock sucks ass.
June 17th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
I get the impression the author isn’t old enough to enter a bar, let alone be allowed to stay long enough to listen to any music. Naming a few old songs to launch predictable salvos at fat people and old people having sex time and time and time and time again suggest authorship by a 19 year old. Too bad this got dugg; the boy doesn’t deserve this payday.
June 17th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
You have a very dismal view of reality. It would have been very easy to trash these songs without attempting to trash an eclectic group of personality types. You fail.
June 17th, 2008 at 8:54 pm
Umm… no. You are, for the most part, a complete idiot.
June 17th, 2008 at 8:55 pm
So much wasted talent.
Why don’t you write something
that inspires rather than destroys?
Never mind…I know why.
Destiny.
June 17th, 2008 at 9:31 pm
Haaahahaha. Great message board. How lame is your website when it’s mentioned on Bob and Sheri, a radio show aimed at the 30 plus woman??????????? Ooooh. That just exudes coooool.
Mwahaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
June 17th, 2008 at 9:46 pm
What can I say that other people have not addressed?Um….piss off you no talent punk ass bitch of a wannabe “writer”.I use that term loosely.
June 17th, 2008 at 9:53 pm
This was pretty funny and pretty true as well-done putdowns often are. But I’ll lay odds that this guy is too “cool” (whether he uses that word or not) and basically chickenshit to post a list of songs that he thinks really rock a bar. Because that would lay him open to criticism…
June 17th, 2008 at 9:58 pm
I disagree with #1. Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody should be there. Yeah, okay Wayne’s World was an amusing movie in it’s own right but it comes up WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too often in karaoke.
For my tastes, anyways.
June 17th, 2008 at 10:00 pm
Those new juke boxes that you pay 50 cents more suck…here’s why.
I played Janis Joplin’s “Mercedes Benz”, to quietly mock the group of rich kids stumbling into the bar.
Come to find out, the machine takes credit cards, too.
They used them.
Poor Janis only made it to the end of the first verse.
Sweet, twisted technology!
June 17th, 2008 at 10:02 pm
So this article was written by some early 20’s something with a lot of sand in his vagina and knows everything?
Am I right?
June 17th, 2008 at 10:22 pm
First of all this song is actually good.
“So, even though he’s wearing a t-shirt featuring the tour dates of a band he’s never heard of…” “Hipsters” don’t not listen to bands that put tour dates on their shirts.
“other hipsters react like a Klu Klux Klansman hearing his buddy quote a Martin Lawrence movie” Really? Martin Lawrence was the best you could think of? I can’t even name a movie Martin Lawrence was in.
“thus the next two selections his dollar provided is going to be even more shitty emo.” Now The Killers are emo? And this hipster is now emo as well? Get your stereotypes right dude.
June 17th, 2008 at 10:31 pm
It’s amazing how many people like Smooth by Rob and Carlos… unbelievably stupid song, made by record execs in a ridiculous effort to reach out to the Orange County kids who shop at Hot Topic… if you like this song, then you are part of the reason why Americans are viewed as completely ignorant of anything that is GOOD
June 17th, 2008 at 10:35 pm
I have to say, the author of this list is pretty lousy, this wasn’t funny and not any where near the stereo types that play these songs. I’m an alcoholic, and in sales, so i travel and see my fair share of bars, and your way off.
June 17th, 2008 at 10:52 pm
Did you really call Santana a washed up guitarist?
After Hendrix, Zappa, Stevie Ray Vaughn died
and Clapton sober we have little to look forward to.
Santanas boleros still have the power to send me tripping through other worlds and dimensions like none other. Jamming with a wide assortment of musicians and singers has added to his reputation and virtuosity.
His jazz still sucks…I will give you that.
June 17th, 2008 at 10:55 pm
Hahahahaha… sounds like a drunken karaoke play list to me!
June 17th, 2008 at 11:11 pm
You idiot. The people who play Don’t Stop Believing by Journey are always coastie girls who will drop everything they are doing to sing along. This list just plucks random types of people. Lame list. Next time, leave out the “who plays it” because you aren’t funny and your stereotypes are just plain wrong.
June 17th, 2008 at 11:15 pm
Hey, author of this article. You think you’re a bigshot music person by writing something like this? This is YOUR opinion. How about composing your own music and making money out of it, before you start criticizing.
June 17th, 2008 at 11:56 pm
OMG ROFL THAT WAS SO AWESUM!!111
…or maybe you could just try letting people enjoy their favorite songs without thinking that anyone cares that you don’t like them.
June 18th, 2008 at 12:22 am
It’s just satire…why is everyone so pi*sed off? cracked.com said this guy ripped them off (which he is, kinda) and you don’t see this kind of virulence in their comments. And the topics they lampoon are WAY more emotionally / politically charged then a simple list of music.
June 18th, 2008 at 1:12 am
Valuable advice for you and other people who write articles in the English language: http://how-to-spell-its.com
Learn it! Live it! Use it!
June 18th, 2008 at 2:00 am
Get fucked.
Santana is a “washed up guitarist”?
Carlos Santana is, was and , as far as I’m concerned, always will be the best guitarist around.
I couldn’t care less about Rob Thomas but Santana is the reason that song got any airtime.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:21 am
Isn’t cracked.com a bastardized version of Mad? (If someone could edit this for spelling and punctuation I would greatly appreciate it)
June 18th, 2008 at 3:15 am
Great list!! #15 should be NO STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN PLEASE!! great song but just way overplayed and seems to be the last song for every gig from the 70’s on . . .
June 18th, 2008 at 3:49 am
This song, much like Jenna Jameson’s vagina, once was great, but years of non-stop commercialized rocking have made it unsuitable for use.
LOL!
June 18th, 2008 at 5:36 am
I’m going to a bar tonight to play these in order, just to see the looks on everyone’s face.
June 18th, 2008 at 5:36 am
Yes, there are incredibly so many sites online with lists and social commentary about obvious and common things we share, love or hate, together as a Americans…or more accurately, young American men whose gravitational field and depth of experience radiate no further than five feet away from the computer. But it feels so good, doesn’t it…to tear people a new asshole from such a safe distance.
I love cynicism as much as the next nerd, but it goes down so much smoother with some decent writing, and the sense that you may have revised yourself once or twice. Otherwise, this article makes the author sound simply mean (low) and unoriginal and just as lacking in experience as that kid who “just discovered music”…
…it sounds like you just discovered that other people are different than you, and often annoying. Congratulations! Wait until you turn 23 - or even 22 - then perhaps you might discover that you, too, are not all that unique and interesting. Much like your mom, who surely is hotter than anyone else in the bar with three bastard children…you will survive, but perhaps with a few less illusions of superiority in the future.
There is some profit to be had in making obvious and tired commentary about things no one really cares about - which is basically this whole site - but there is personal satisfaction even greater in taking time to think and revise and practice and offer the public something with a bit more substance and creativity.
FYI: I am a not bitching web-crawler. I like crap just as much as the next guy…but this article was the rhetorical equivalent to the Carlos Mencia Show (and, no, that is not a good thing).
June 18th, 2008 at 5:46 am
They forgot to include anything by Jimmy Buffet!
June 18th, 2008 at 5:53 am
I like Santana like I like a good kick in the junk
June 18th, 2008 at 6:01 am
Hey…what’s wrong with phish??
June 18th, 2008 at 6:49 am
Based on you say picks these songs are it seems like you don’t spend enough time in bars.
Journey is always played by the college freshman or sophomore who just finished rushing his fraternity and has been convinced by his frat brothers that he’s “just like soooo nostalgic about that song” even though he’s only 19 which would make him like four years old when that song came out. This then leads to a conversation about “how like, totally awesome” cartoons were back then even though once again… this guy wasn’t even born yet when they originally aired and only “remembers” them because he saw them on YouTube.
June 18th, 2008 at 6:50 am
What a dumb waste of time absolute bull shit story.
This must be written, by a 20 something pussy generation, homo who likes the Fall Out Boys.
June 18th, 2008 at 6:58 am
all bon jovi songs should be added to the list also. God they suuuck!!!!!!
June 18th, 2008 at 7:03 am
The author needs to get his its/it’s and who’s/whose choices straight before he blogs again. I think there are fifth grade grammar classes happening somewhere this summer…
June 18th, 2008 at 7:14 am
I love the people hating on this list. I thought it was spot on. The offended are just butt hurt because when they hit up Applebees for happy hour their only wish is that they had a jukebox and these were the only 15 songs on it.
June 18th, 2008 at 7:15 am
“Everyone who hears this song thinks they can sing along, but they always end up screwing up the words.”
Yes, this joke was made in the movie Tommy Boy, released 1995.
Good one.
June 18th, 2008 at 7:23 am
The author makes many good points, and I would agree that many of these songs are overplayed. What does it mean to say that _______ song should NEVER be played in certain place? I understand that this post is primarily intended to garner traffic, but how can you make such broadbrush statements about these artists and their fans? You have to remember that every single musician on this list is EXCEPTIONALLY talented, meaning that:
1. Yes, he/she/they is a better musician than you will ever be. period.
2. Although these songs have definitely been worn out on the radio, someone who pays 50 cents to hear one of these is not necessarily (although quite possibly) inferior to a prestigious and visionary blogger such as yourself.
3. Lighten up and appreciate these songs for what they are: the sum of talented musicians and a corrupt industry that aims to grab as many fans as possible from a nation of 300 million people.
It’s really not necessary to shit on everyone who, judged unfavorably by your superior and undoubtedly learned musical tastes, jukeboxes an overplayed song. These ignorant Americans are human beings with some value outside of their drunken choices.
This guy… that said all this shit… completely sucks. GTFO teh intarnets you idiot.
June 18th, 2008 at 7:26 am
Artie Lang, I smell nerd rage from you. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, I just think that maybe the authors might have hit a little close to home?
June 18th, 2008 at 7:30 am
You know, I like these songs, but I agree with the writer. Sometimes, you have to put something away for a while, then, when they come back, they’ll sound fresh again. I DJ at 2 different places on the weekends, and the Friday gig is where I have to play most of these songs, and I’m tired of these songs, but I still play ‘em because of the reaction they get. If I could stop playing them for just a couple years, then they’d sound good again, and I bet the reaction would be bigger, but the people won’t let me.
It’s not much better at the Saturday gig, either. Top 40 & dance, but the requests tend to be the “heavy rotation” stuff. I don’t know, but when I make a request, I like to ask for something I haven’t heard in a while, instead of something I heard more than once just on the drive to the bar.
June 18th, 2008 at 7:34 am
Who the fuck goes to the bar and says ” Man I hope they don’t play Hotel California tonight!”
Im a little more inrested in whats in my glass of booze or where the hell my pack of cigarette’s went… and who the hell is that fine lady in the corner with the hiked up skirt, sweet jesus i hope its a hooker!
June 18th, 2008 at 7:44 am
Can’t someone write a funny list without a bunch of people coming out with knives to call him immature, socially inept and an asshole. I can’t imagine taking a music list so personal.
June 18th, 2008 at 7:46 am
i do not know why i just read all of those comments
June 18th, 2008 at 7:54 am
The entire premise of this article is based on the assumption that all bars are the same.
They’re not. So the entire diatribe is one huge non-sequitur.
June 18th, 2008 at 8:02 am
I have personally witnessed each and every one of these musical transgressions. Well done!
June 18th, 2008 at 8:02 am
OF COURSE THESE SONGS ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE PLAYED IN BARS SINCE MOST OF THE PEOPLE THERE ARE TOO DRUNK ANYWAY TO APPRECIATE MOST OF THESE WELL COMPOSED SONGS. IF ANYONE WHO WROTE ANY NEGATIVE THINGS ABOUT THESE SONGS. LET THEM JUSTIFY THEMSELVES BY POSTING THEIR TALENTS @ YOUTUBE.
June 18th, 2008 at 8:11 am
BY THE WAY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PAUL MCCARTNEY.
June 18th, 2008 at 8:56 am
Wow, I wish I could be just half as pretentious as the “holy taco”. Let me guess, you’re the pathetic loser who sits next to the jukebox judging everyone who walks up to it because your too socially awkward to do anything that involves more human interaction than posting “why everyone else is a douche” articles on your lame ass blog. Here’s some advice, stop masturbating long enough to make some friends and maybe you wont be so bitter.
June 18th, 2008 at 9:08 am
This list is hilarious and spot on, for the most part. Anyone who would play the majority of these songs has terrible taste in music and should be barred from accessing a jukebox. Yes, it’s you’re $.50, but the rest of us have to listen to your generic, played out shit so fuck off and leave the music playing to people who actually follow music.
June 18th, 2008 at 9:13 am
best ht post ever
June 18th, 2008 at 9:31 am
Lol this is great… I personally love all the music on that list… Yeah the songs are all played alot but there’s a reason for that… It’s GREAT music… It’s like saying oh I love sex but since it’s great and i’ve done it for a while I’m just gonna stop… NOOOO you don’t say/do that… Why cause it’s great!
“If this still pumps you up to hear, you probably also get pumped up when your wife says stuff like “I rented the first season of that show “The Closer” that my sister recommended. Maybe if I’m not too tired afterwards we’ll have sex or something” ——–Sounds like this comes from a personal experience…
“This song, much like Jenna Jameson’s vagina, once was great, but years of non-stop commercialized rocking have made it unsuitable for use.”———-Yeah but you would still hit it to this day if you EVER had the chance… Don’t lie…
Oh and Santana being a washed up guitarist???? I would love to see you come up with something better… Oh but you can’t and won’t…
But yeah anyways… Thanks for the playlist for the bar I’m going to tonight… Yeah and it’s not one of those newer jukeboxes either… so no 50 cent stop playing option!!! Haha
June 18th, 2008 at 9:35 am
Oh btw have a question to everybody who says this music sucks… Tell me why you don’t appreciate this music???? Can you do better??? Doubt it… Or maybe just maybe it’s because your friends, peers, buddies, colleagues, or whoever may just disown you because you listen to a certain type of music and you can’t handle this world on you own…
June 18th, 2008 at 9:44 am
Freebird, Number 1 without a doubt. Rest of the 14 I wholeheartedly agreed with
June 18th, 2008 at 9:46 am
josh wrote:
Journey is always played by the college freshman or sophomore who just finished rushing his fraternity and has been convinced by his frat brothers that he’s “just like soooo nostalgic about that song” even though he’s only 19 which would make him like four years old when that song came out
Uh, when do you think “Don’t Stop Believin’” was released? I’ll give you a hint: You’re off by a good decade.
June 18th, 2008 at 9:53 am
wow…
you must feel really good telling shit about great singers/bands/songwriters…
so what have you done lately?
June 18th, 2008 at 9:56 am
I agree with everything on the list besides the Beatles….. I’d definitely switch the Beatles for Nickleback, which is a shitty ass band that I hear non-stop at bars in central PA.
June 18th, 2008 at 10:12 am
“Don’t Stop Believin” really just needs to be outlawed in every bar in college towns across the country.
June 18th, 2008 at 10:19 am
I agree. These songs are annoying and past their time. You might as well replace the jukebox with a machine that spews out random Will Ferrel quotes for quarters. I enjoyed much of this music at one point, but 10 seconds later I had heard it enough to last many agonizing lifetimes. Sweet Home Alabama - turn it up? No, please don’t. How’s about you download all of your clichéd pop music onto your iPod because just like every band listed above, you’re a corporate sellout.
June 18th, 2008 at 10:22 am
things you should never do:
compile a psuedo- list like a whiney bitch
about something you know little or nothing
about.
June 18th, 2008 at 10:24 am
Man, every easy joke ever. Way to raise the humor bar.
June 18th, 2008 at 11:03 am
These would be hilarious zingers if any of them were more than vague-ass stereotypes. I don’t know what’s more sad, that you don’t actually know any people or that you bother with these little tributes to the actual humans you’ve glimpsed from afar.
June 18th, 2008 at 11:10 am
I agree with the list…but here’s a a couple of songs that should be added, Sir Mix-A-Lot: Baby Got Back and Juvenile: Back That Azz Up.
Have you ever noticed that the girls that dance to this song in the bars are girls with no ass?
June 18th, 2008 at 11:22 am
got a chuckle outta the list….but one totally cheesy bar song that i always love to hear after a dozen beers is “You Never Even Call Me By My Name”….love me some David Alan Coe.
June 18th, 2008 at 11:37 am
Dance sucks, trance sucks, hiphop sucks. That’s why people play legendary songs, good songs. Because all you hear from the hip people now is electronic music made by artist with no inspiration at all. I could make any dance song by just pressing 3 buttons at a stupid music maker program…
The songs have been overplayed for a reason, they´re unbelievably good, made by artist 1000000 times better than today´s artists..
It´s now ´hip´ on the internet to criticize good artists/songs/movies/games so that people will think you’re smart. But you’re not, you’re just someone in need of attention…
June 18th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
Hey… I’m a forty-something year old corporate guy who likes at least half of the songs on the list, but since I have a since of humor, the post did almost make me blow Pepsi out of my nose. And even though the song came out when I was young, “Don’t Stop Believin’” still has me looking for a trash can in case I hurl.
By the way, you left out “Summer Nights” from the “Grease” Soundtrack. Who plays it? The young married woman who finally got her husband to watch the kids so she could get a night out with the girls. She wants the bar patrons to think she’s a fun-loving free spirit, but she also wants all the guys in the bar to know she’s way too geeky to get freaky.
June 18th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
One more thing… Abba may be Disco pablum, but you should really check out the version of “Dancing Queen” by the Yayhoos, a band featuring Dan Baird of the Georgia Satellites. Roll down the windows and crank it up, and you’ll have passing motorists going “WTF???… “.
June 18th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Right on brother, if american pie is never played again, it will be too soon.
June 18th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
As soon the words “fupa” and “gunt” came up I realized this dude was a mouth-breathing 19 year-old. with fungal dickrot. FAIL.
June 18th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
every one who has posted here besides me and Buddy Ice are out of their fuckin’ minds.
June 18th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Brilliant! This is the funniest thing I’ve read since lunch. And I read a lot of funny shit. Roll on!
June 18th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Definitely hit the nail on the head with this list.
Fuckin-A accurate!
June 18th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Also needing banned: ANYTHING by HOOTIE and the Mo’Fo’ing BLOWFISH. Good GOD, they’ve always sucked, and there’s NO GOOD REASON that ANY of their music should be played when a person is trying to have a good time, or if they’re just trying to be miserable.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
All I can say is that the person that came up with this list is a MORON that wouldn’t know good music is he / she had the sound system fall on them.
June 18th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Great article, you are right on point and very well written!…
I would just like to add on from the Kid Rock -BAWIDABA guy… if I may
“He closes his eyes and nods his head while still facing the jukebox in anticipation. As the lyrics kick in he spins around to face the bar, throws up the ‘goats’, looks to the sky and screams “YEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!” with a look of conceited exhilaration…when he lowers his eyes this quickly changes into a look of genuine surprise on the realization that the entire bar hasn’t shared his enthusiasm, and haven’t all ran over to raise this guy above there shoulders in admiration of his awesome song choosing… Instead they are all looking at him with confusion, concern, pity, or just laughing at him.
His head hangs as he returns to the bar, muttering about all the queers and liberals in this bar. After 5 more beers he will later pick a fight with the smallest guy he can find in the room… cos that’ll show them! That’ll show the all!”
… the only reason I add this is because i have actually seen this happen.
regards
June 18th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
what kind of music do you listen to, faggot?
June 18th, 2008 at 6:05 pm
They missed one… “Pour Some Sugar on Me”
If I never hear that song again it’ll be way too soon. It makes me wanna stab myself repeatedly.
June 18th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
I just love it when music that was brilliantly created by brilliant people is maligned by some fat jerkoff that sits on the internet all day mocking things for the soul purpose of feeling superior to someone else, when in reality, whoever wrote this stupid “article” could never write the WORST song on this list. I don’t really want to hear many of these songs again right now, but seriously, what the fuck have YOU ever done??? Why don’t you find something CONSTRUCTIVE to do? (This is the part where you say something clever like “Yeah? But You Read It!! LOL” and I nod my head in disgust because of the douchebaggery has just maxed out.
June 18th, 2008 at 6:35 pm
Decent list, I’d say the points are valid and humorous for every song mentioned. I lol’d quite a few times because it’s so true, and I myself have actually witnessed quite a few of the stereo types mentioned. Anyone who refuses to believe that those songs are shitty and over played must fall into one of the described categories themselves. Not that it’s a bad thing, just makes it more difficult to have a objective perspective on such a hilarious list.
June 18th, 2008 at 6:57 pm
Any song by the “Spin Doctors”
June 18th, 2008 at 7:29 pm
I normally don’t comment on website/blog comments, but the hostility here in regards to a bit of light satire is amazing. This is the kind of outrage and indignation usually reserved for someone pissing into your Grandmother’s casket at her funeral. Did some of those stereotypes hit a little too close to home for some of you? A lot of the songs listed here, while maybe good in their own right, are either overplayed to the point of being cliche’ or otherwise carry cultural baggage that the writer finds distasteful. Some just kinda suck tho… Musical taste is just that, taste. I don’t like oysters. I am aware that many others love them, some with far more refined and discerning palates than I think they’re great. That’s fine, I can respect that. I think they look and taste like snot. Carlos Santana is a very talented musician, and by all accounts he’s a genuinely good guy, but I never want to hear “Oye Como Va” again as long as I live.
And another thing, I think Frank Gehry’s buildings are ugly as sin and that he may be a worse architect than the guy that designs strip malls, but I couldn’t build a doghouse. So why is it incumbent on me to be able to write and perform a better song than one I express dislike for? If you can’t cook aren’t you still able to tell a good meal from a bad one? Of course you are. You’re able to make this distinction because even though you can’t cook, you’ve eaten a lot of meals and have developed references and preferences. The same holds true for music. I’m a crappy guitar player, I have terribly clumsy fingers, but I have 3000 or so albums, and have knowledge/memory of many more. I have developed what I think is a pretty good ear for music. But according to many of you, I’m not qualified to actually comment on any of these albums until I can play them all note for note? Jesus help me. The only thing worse than a 12 year old internet tough guy is a 50 year old internet tough guy that thinks he’s droppin’ some serious knowledge on ya…
I’m sure that for some people, some of these songs hold great importance and/or nostalgia, but that doesn’t make them sacred. It’s only Rock&Roll after all…
June 18th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
I once had the nerve to play soft cell’s memorabilia 3 times in a row at a bar.
June 18th, 2008 at 7:36 pm
#’S 3, 2 and 1…. are you fucking kidding me??
Some of the songs on this list are shit, but American Pie? Classic. Piano Man is awesome. And The Beatles?? The Beatles are the best fucking band there’s ever been!
June 18th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
You stupid, ignorant über-loads! This blog is intended to be humorous! What a bunch of overly-sensitive, completely clueless douchébags!!!
Waaaah! Waaaah! They’re making fun of Meat Loaf!!!! Omigod!!!! SORRY! That fat fuck deserves to be made fun of. He’s a talentless hump!!!
Y’see? That’s over-arched, fake rage.
Funny, right?
June 18th, 2008 at 8:18 pm
Hey “me,”
American Pie is the musical equivalent of a 12-inch turd. It’s so long it curls around the bowl and stinks up the entire house long after it’s done!
June 18th, 2008 at 9:00 pm
Ok this ruled.
June 18th, 2008 at 9:36 pm
The fucking song that rocks the fucking house?
Jessica.
June 18th, 2008 at 11:18 pm
As a bartender, what the shit? Bon Jovi couldn’t even fucking place on this list? Livin on a prayer is fucking MURDER. I swear, if people play Jon Bon one more time I’m gonna Jon Born kill them and Jon Bon burn the mother down.
June 19th, 2008 at 12:32 am
don’t stop believing will never get old. never.
June 19th, 2008 at 12:33 am
don’t stop believing will never get old. never never never.
June 19th, 2008 at 1:59 am
Hmm…Ok the list is not that bad, however there is just one song I would like to see there…Britney Spears version of - I love rock and roll
June 19th, 2008 at 2:09 am
Heh…you should create a playlist with these songs in it at Finetune.com. Sort of a complement to the piece.
June 19th, 2008 at 3:02 am
never been to this website before. i think its probably because it is so far up on its high horse i couldn’t get to it.
curious, is there a list of songs that a person can play in the bar without you passing judgement on them?
and about the whole “this is a humor blog”, where was the humor at?
June 19th, 2008 at 5:13 am
You forgot “wreck of the edmund fitzgerald” here in michigan that song has some sort of retarded cult following…
June 19th, 2008 at 6:08 am
What about Margaritaville and Brown-Eyed Girl. I want to shove a glowing hot steel shiv in my ears when I hear those songs. They’re usually played dude or chick, respectively. They’re in their late 20’s and play these song because it brings back memories of college when they were actually able to get laid. There’s a sadness to those selections actually.
June 19th, 2008 at 6:34 am
So what DO you like played at the bar??
June 19th, 2008 at 7:16 am
Wow, what a truely pretentious article. Let me guess, you’re the guy over in the corner who is trying to look cool, without trying too hard, but while still trying…… Don’t Stop Believing is meant to be played on a juke box so that everyone can do their best air guitar!!
June 19th, 2008 at 8:44 am
Wow some of you aren’t getting the point of this article as I understood it. It’s less about the writer declaring the songs “bad” as much as it is about the stereotypical (and correct) description of those who play those songs. I like a lot of those songs too for many different reasons but most are terribly played out and I’ve experienced most of the people he describes playing those songs. Thought this was hilarious and a great list. Friends in Low Places really did need to be on there though.
June 19th, 2008 at 9:37 am
this list shows no insight and certainly doesn’t carry the ironic cache’ that it is do desperatley and pathetically seeking. it’s stupid. they should self-appoint themselves to the web site most desperately seeking and falling to be ironic.
the aboviously aging hipster know-it-all who authored this piece of crap should be added to the list of worthless smug list makers ever.
June 19th, 2008 at 10:32 am
Whoever wrote this article is a legend in his/her own mind. What a crappy attitude and stop trying to sound so cool. You’re SUCH and INTELLECTUAL and I certainly am imppressed with your wit. NOT.
I don’t like 1/2 of the songs either, but it’s not worth my time to consider making a big point of it. Get a life.
June 19th, 2008 at 10:36 am
If this had been a baseball stadium instead of a bar, you could have included “Proud to be an American.” Oooh, that’s going to get some people going.
Just remember, as John Prine said, “your flag decal won’t get you into heaven any more.”
June 19th, 2008 at 11:37 am
Another one….
Hank Williams Jr. - Family Tradition
June 19th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
Wow, I wish my blog got this many posts…
Creepy J. Eyes is right, dammit. And for chrissakes, those of you who took offense, grow a thicker skin. Some songs, regardless of their relative merit, are JUST PLAYED OUT. “Stairway To Heaven” is probably still a good song; I know for certain that “Carry On Wayward Son” is a great tune. Both are overplayed to all shit.
And some stereotypes (as to who plugs these songs into the jukebox) are dead on; otherwise, a stereotype wouldn’t be a stereotype if there weren’t a kernel of truth, eh?
Rock Over London
Rock On Chicago
Mountain Dew: DEW IT!
June 19th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
Does anyone have a clue how many millions these tunes have brought in collectively? Man would I love to be getting just a fraction of the royalty’s from any one of these hits… Music is proven timeless! Get used to it, cause it’s never gonna fade away.
June 19th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Rock Lobster!!
I was 16 and working in a pizza place and everybody picked this as one of their three for a quarter. We would slam the jukebox and it would scratch across the record. We did it enough times that the intro would happen and it would simply skreeeeeeech to the end and go to the next selection. We never told the jukebox dude to fix it.
June 19th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
You definitely created a forum for everyone to vent their anger over music snobs.
No one likes a music snob…especially the people who realize everyone has different tastes.
I detected a little bitterness….but I thought the stereotypes were hilarious.
I found this article featured in the New York Times humor section. Well done.
June 19th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
This list is awful. In fact, its so far off I thought it was a joke at first. Piano Man should always be played at a bar, but only at the end of the night. Some of the other songs on this list are amazing too.
June 19th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
I would rather hear Beatles music from their Live in Hamburg album, totally different from the norm, since that stuff was recorded in a bar before they were famous and it has a bar feel all over it. Something like “Matchbox” or other cover song they did at that time.
Or solo Beatles stuff, for example on the old 45 jukeboxes they would have John Lennon’s hit song “Mind Games” on one side and on the B-side would be “Meat City”, a great rocker not many people have heard because it was a B-side. Most of his 45 jukebox stuff was arranged like that because he hung out at bars and knew all this already.
June 19th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
How about only retiring bland pop fluff and leaving sincerely awesome crystaline glories to sit atop the jukebox pantheon for all eternity.
Sheryl Crow, the Killers, the entire Supernatural album, and Kid Rock can all go die slowly in an oven, but even mentioning censoring classic rock greats like Journey or Skynard will get you an asskicking in any bar worth drinking in. So take your smug little gormless wanker opinions out back and hit yourself in the head with a ballpeen a few times until you get over yourself and recognize that perhaps the only reason you can’t appreciate Piano Man is because you’re afraid of having feelings because of your own deep seated insecurities and self loathing.
June 19th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
Wow, a list of popular songs that you don’t like. That’s really original. Next you slap them together with a premise, “Songs you should never play in a bar.” Holy moley you must be some kind of genius. Then a stereotyped list of who might be selecting the song! Wow, the mental feces never stops with you. Could this have been relevant 10 years ago? Maybe 15? What kind of places are you hanging out in that actually have a jukebox? Didn’t those disappear a long way back? Welcome to my opinion, I just suffered through yours.
June 19th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
This was fucking hilarious and I like most of these songs. My musical tastes lean towards the less played bands but I will still sing Journey or Skynard when I hear it. I was raised on the Beatles but I still laughed. Don’t take your musical tastes so personally, no matter what you like somebody out there hates it. I love bands that my friends hate, screw it, I like them. Don’t take it so serious.
June 19th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
Fuck you, I bought a Phish album.
Nevermind; I’m that guy.
June 19th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
perhaps these songs would sound better if you took your head out of your ass….
June 19th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
Wow. This list is hilarious. I think that is what everyone should really be thinking about, not “OMG, dis dude maked fUn of meh and mehy sOng!*!” Besides, everyone that goes to a bar is either in the mood or do something stupid or always does stupid shit. Hell, I’ll even dance to RAP music if I’m drunk enough but of course I would prefer it to be Sweet Home Alabama….
June 19th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
I enjoy some of the songs on this list, but I can see why they could get tiring. It’s funny how worked up some of the commenters get when they see a song they like on lists like these.
June 19th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
It is obvious the list is just to get people riled up. Too many of the songs are classics and speak to so many people. The writer realizes if his list were meaningful, everybody would say yes he right and not bother to point out his lack of musical taste. No buzz equals a poor blog.
June 19th, 2008 at 6:45 pm
the finger:
That’s “cachet.” And “self-anointed,” and drop the “to.” “do desperatley” should become “so desperately.”
“should be added to the list of worthless smug list makers ever.”
You need to drop that “ever” or add a “most.”
Point being? I enjoyed this article because I noticed the details. Your analysis is nothing but clumsy generalization, and I expect your comprehension was similarly vague.
June 19th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
Good list. Even funnier because in the past 20 years I have played 7 of these songs in various bar bands. For Skynyrd, another reason not to play them is because every shitty band in the world things they can do a good job playing a Skynyrd song. They’re all wrong.
June 19th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
My god, it’s a joke, get over it! If you frequent a bar that has a limited jukebox, usually of the “dive” variety, it is inevitable that these songs get played over and over. I get it–because I’ve lived it! Do you go to the same bar as me? seriously…It just makes sense. This list–makes perfect sense. You idiots that take this seriously and are “offended”–jeesh. Get over it, you don’t need the warm smell of colitas for the 80 millionth time.
June 19th, 2008 at 7:57 pm
OH– another one that should be added… That insanely horrific Nickelback song that’s like… “I like your pants around your feet” or something.
Ohhh do I hate that song. There have been times people have played it multiple times in one evening at the bar and I’ve almost cried.
June 19th, 2008 at 9:01 pm
I’ve been guilty of playing several of these songs, and this still cracked me up. But there’s an addition to who plays I Will Survive: Drunken sorority girls who think they’re being wacky and crazy, when they’re really just drunk and stupid.
And if I never hear Hotel California again, I’ll be a happy, happy girl.
June 19th, 2008 at 9:21 pm
We are all entitled to our opinions. Except for whatever bo-tart compiled this list. Was this person like 21?
June 19th, 2008 at 10:40 pm
“Don’t Stop Believing” should NOT be on this list. It is timeless and will always be a classic-stop hating, but don’t stop believing in this song!
June 19th, 2008 at 11:29 pm
anything by abba, springsteen (who), any canadian band except PRISM, COTTON eyed JOE makes me wish i was the Una bomber so i could take myself out suicide style - classic rock stations are slitting their own throats by DIRT SLEEPING so many good songs & at the same time ignoring other songs by the same classic bands thaT GET zip airplay - when was the last time i heard RUSS ballard or Donnie IRIS or anything off the NAZARETH LIVE album - speaking of LIVE - i even was so desperate i requested a song on FLOWER NET (??) by kenny FREAKIn’ loggins (i’M alright - live in the boonies ‘94? album) and i actually enjoyed the song - it sounded modern & fresh - good production - go figure - maybe i’ll i should watch that topless volleyball scene in TOPGUN again … then again, maybe NOT
June 19th, 2008 at 11:57 pm
did everybody forget “you don’t have to call me darling, darling”? have you all lost your minds? this is the absolute worst jukebox song of al time. every goofy redneck in the joint will be singing this shit, then they’ll probably play it again. the old nasty ass bar flies love the shit too. the worst ever.
June 20th, 2008 at 3:15 am
These songs deserve to be played if for no other reason than to annoy the twenty-something writer in the bar who thinks he’s smarter than everybody else.
June 20th, 2008 at 5:31 am
You seem to have a thing against women going out to bars, drinking, dancing, having fun without involving men. What is this “wanna be cougar” crap? Just because women over 30 like to enjoy a night out with friends does NOT mean that she is after a self absorbed, pompous, pseudo intellectual adolescent like yourself. Image isn’t everything, in fact image isn’t ANYTHING. Substance,! Give us some substance!
June 20th, 2008 at 6:55 am
The worst thing any bar needs is an ass who constantly wines and complains about what everyone is playing on the jukebox. It makes you the bar dork.
June 20th, 2008 at 6:59 am
This list is only about 60% right - which means it fails! I’ll give you Sheryll Crow and Mr. Brightside, but c’mon, Hotel California, Sweet Home Alabama, and Journey are all fine bar songs. I don’t like most Kid Rock songs either, but Bawidaba is ok, I think, for a bar scene.
June 20th, 2008 at 7:11 am
As long as ya don’t black list Queen - Fat Bottomed Girls. I’ll survive.
June 20th, 2008 at 7:14 am
Um…. you left Dave Matthews WIDE open, bro. WIDE open.
June 20th, 2008 at 10:50 am
<
Seasons in the Sun.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:28 am
Not a bad list, but you forgot atll the damn country crap (”Friends in Low Places,” “I Love This Bar,” anything by the Dixie-motherfucking-Chicks, etc.) I ‘d rather hear everything on the list in played on a continuous loop than any of that pseudo-hilbilly crapus!
BTW, When I think of “Paradise by the Dashboard Light,” I think more of thick chicks; not fat, but more softball-player built. The ones with shortish hair who drink beer. tThey aren’t actually lesbians, but they are pushing it. They go to bars in small- to- medium groups, and when they laly this song they sing along while making eye contact with one another, as if to say “we both know this song! Hear me roar!” Except for the baseball-announcer part: then, one thick chick will be the announcer, pattering into the top of a beer-bottle, while the most femme thick chik makes the moany noises.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:53 am
I had to look this one up:
http://fupahunter.blogspot.com/
Oh, and genius, by the way.
June 20th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
I used to be under 30 and a pretentious asshole who was never going to age, too. Your day is comin, Sonny Jim.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Dont forget that idiotic salute to drinking: Chumbawamba’s Tubthumping.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Oh, and regarding “I will survive” - you forgot the gaggle of snotty gay guys in their mid-thirties who all work at Disney and think they’re too cool for the world (see Patton Oswalt’s joke about wanting to be gay and sitting around making catty comments during “Six Feet Under”). They’re not overt types - just the more conservative kind who love to look down their non-breeding noses at…everyone…for not having impeccable fashion & decorating sense and being as well-groomed as they. When this song comes on they squeal with delight and high-five each other, then drop their 9-to-5 office demeanor to start talking like bitchy black women and get in touch wif dey inner drag-queen, garlfrennnn!
June 20th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
I have to say, this is a great list. I agree with all those picks. And the one reason they need to stop being played is that they are so overplayed! I agree as well with whoever said “the summer of ‘69″ needs to be on this list. make it 15. Oh, and add “all country songs” too. Nothing is worse than when the the wannabe cowboy or creature-feature and her inbred friends from tennessee mount a hostile jukebox take-over!
June 20th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
haha, look at all the old people, offended that some of their favs made this list. Either realize that you shouldn’t get offended over something so silly, or… rather than just assuming you are right and criticizing the author, you should think that the possibility exists that she/he’s right. the young crowd, (aka the majority of the people at normal bars) doesn’t want to hear your generation’s reminiscing songs, nor your stories of the good ol’ days. go to work, get married, have kids and be miserable like you’re supposed to, and stay off our jukeboxes damn it!
June 20th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
Oh and regarding Journey - sorry, I just have to address this ‘un - Katie College Student? I’m sure you’re a sweet girl. Maybe even a good student. I’m sure your parents - more specifically, your daddy - is spending hundreds of thousands of his hard-earned cashish to put through school so you can drink cheap beer, get shit-faced, throwing up your shoes-drunk and flash your beautiful, perky, little boobies to a thirty-year-old guy with a video camera - then end up working in a cubicle forest until you get divorced, sing “I will survive” and then die. But Journey has made a rather lucractive career being thirty-year-old guys who wrote sappy, cheesy, infantile, remedial, trite, predictable, boring and safe drivel - just for High School and College girls like you, who are - sappy, cheesy, infantile, remedial, trite, predictable, boring and safe (see “Abba” description). This - and the fact they spawned succubi like Bon Jovi, Matchbox Twenty, Maroon 5, Dishwalla, Creed and other pablum-spewing bohunks - makes them the most awful band in the history of rock. This is not my opinion, it is a natural fact. And remember - you, who actually like that garbage - just because you like it - say it with me - doesn’t mean it’s good, that’s right.
OK, I’m done.
June 20th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
As a working musician ya gotta know at one time or another ya gotta swallow your pride and play one or 2 of those songs. Cuz the peeps wanna hear ‘em and they pay ya.
BUT
Eventually you get past 40 and you don’t give a rat’s ass what anyone thinks and you do what you want.
And if you’re good, they pay ya any way.
Ain’t life grand?!!
June 20th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
i think you just spend too much time in bars that you think these songs are too overplayed but maybe you need to find something better to do with your life.
that was kind of hypocritical, but still, it needed to be said.
June 20th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
save a horse ride a cowboy. i dont know who its by.. but that has got to be the worst song ever written.