There's nothing worse than having a perfectly good drinking session ruined by a song that either doesn't belong in a bar, has been crammed down your ears too many times, or just plain sucks.
14. ALL I WANNA DO – SHERYL CROW
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The 45-year-old wannabe cougar who, despite being totally beaten down by her dead-end job as a real estate agent, thinks she can relate to the free spiritedness this song represents. She could totally drink beer at noon on a Tuesday…if she didn’t have to be at work. And she could totally drive down Santa Monica Boulevard with some guy named Billy or Mac or Buddy…if she didn’t have to pick her kids up from soccer practice. So, instead of going all Thelma and Louise, she ends up dancing with her other cougar friends before calling it a night in time to catch Grey’s Anatomy.
WHY IT NEEDS TO BE RETIRED: When played at a bar, it does nothing but get a bunch of middle-aged women with fupas and gunts up on the dance floor who ask the DJ to play "Margaritaville" next.
13. MR. BRIGHTSIDE – THE KILLERS
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The wanna-be hipster. That’s right, he’s not a hipster, but he is choosing to become one. That’s like being potty trained and choosing to shit your pants. Unfortunately for him, the killers lost hipster credibility when they became profitable to a record label. So, even though he’s wearing a t-shirt featuring the tour dates of a band he’s never heard of, and really really tight jeans, once he’s popped this song on, other hipsters react like a Klu Klux Klansman hearing his buddy quote a Martin Lawrence movie.
WHY IT NEEDS TO RETIRE: The sound of the lead singer bellowing “I NEEEEVVVEEERRRR” towards the end of the song is reminiscent of the sound a man makes when he inadvertently sits on his testicles. The worst part about this song being picked in a juke box is that someone is definitely trying to say something about themselves, thus the next two selections his dollar provided is going to be even more shitty emo. By the end, you’ll want to take the Pabst Blue Ribbon he’s forcing himself to drink and lodge it in your windpipe.
12. R.E.M. – IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT (AND I FEEL FINE)
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The bespectacled, sweater-wearing grad schooler who wants to play a song that shows off his knowledge of political and world affairs. He almost puts on Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start The Fire” but figured REM might make him look a little hipper. But his inability to talk to the opposite sex compels him to explain every cultural reference in the lyrics. “Did you know Leonid Brezhnev served as leader of the Communist party longer than anyone except Stalin? It’s true. And Lester Bangs was an influential music writer who wrote for Rolling Stone and Creem magazines. Hey, where are you going? ”
WHY IT NEEDS TO BE RETIRED: Everyone who hears this song thinks they can sing along, but they always end up screwing up the words. So you get a bar full of people screaming, “That’s great it starts with an earthquake…birds…Lenny Bruce!...hurricane…LEONARD BERNSTEIN…oh wait, that comes later.”
11. DANCING QUEEN – ABBA
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: She’s a shy wallflower with lots of acne in her mid-20s who still reads Sweet Valley High books and plays with her My Little Pony dolls. This song represents her fairy tale dream where she steps onto the dance floor and wows all the guys with her graceful moves. At the end of the night she’s swept off her feet by a handsome Prince Charming who takes her away in a chariot led by 10 mighty steeds. Later that evening, she realizes she’s in a rusty 1984 Datsun and the guy next to her has a pizza stain on his Foreigner T-shirt and he’s asking her to chip in for gas money.
WHY IT NEEDS TO BE RETIRED: It’s disco.
10. SWEET HOME ALABAMA – LYNYRD SKYNYRD
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: Look to the bar, there’s probably a gentleman there who’s wearing a flannel shirt with black sleeves. Upon closer inspection, you’ll realize he’s wearing a sleeveless flannel shirt, and what you thought were sleeves are actually a dark, dense fur that’s made a home on in his shoulders and upper arms. He’ll meander up to the juke box and stare it for ten minutes looking through every album twice, because unlike the sex he has with his obese wife, he’s in no rush to finish. When he selects the song, watch closely, because as it begins to play, he’ll say the words “turn it up,” then hold his hand up and when Skynyrd says “turn it up,” he’ll drop his hand down, signifying that he correctly predicted Skynyrd would say this as well.
WHY IT NEEDS TO RETIRE: If Lynyrd Skynyrd had a Juke Box at their house, I’m pretty sure this wouldn’t be on it. This song, much like Jenna Jameson’s vagina, once was great, but years of non-stop commercialized rocking have made it unsuitable for use.
9. DON’T STOP BELIEVING – JOURNEY
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The middle aged guy who’s still in the suit he bought just to make sure he landed the Peterson account, which he did! But he knows it’s Friday now, time to order some chicken fingers and let loose! Right before he plays the song, he’ll talk to his buddies about how they should totally take a trip to Vegas together. “Fuck it, let’s just do it.” Then they’ll all check their blackberries to find that they either have a prostate exam, a kid’s play to go to, or “wife wants to go see her parents so I kind of got to keep my weekends open for whenever that will be.” Then they’ll sit in silence until one of them leaves and heads to the juke box to make this ass kicking selection.
WHY IT NEEDS TO RETIRE: This song is as played out as Steve Perry is ugly. Whenever it’s selected on a juke box, it’s like a time out is being called from having fun. If this still pumps you up to hear, you probably also get pumped up when your wife says stuff like “I rented the first season of that show “The Closer” that my sister recommended. Maybe if I’m not too tired afterwards we’ll have sex or something
8. SMOOTH – CARLOS SANTANA AND ROB THOMAS
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The mega brodawg wearing a white bandana and rings on his fingers who “cannot believe!” that his “main man” Carlos Santana got together with the lead singer of the “totally best fuckin’ band ever” Matchbox Twenty. Seriously, this has “gotta be the best jam of all time, bro.” He’s pretty sure that the only way a better song would come along is if “Jimi came back from the dead to play with, like, Mozart, bro. Totally.”
WHY IT NEEDS TO BE RETIRED: It’s a washed-up guitarist joining forces with the world’s blandest singer to write a song that my parent’s older friend’s like (honestly). This song should only be played on the jukebox in homes for the deaf.
7. HOTEL CALIFORNIA - THE EAGLES
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The college freshman who just “discovered music” and is "getting into" the “deep and heavy lyrics.” This gateway song will lead this young man into an ill-advised Steve Miller concert, Pink Floyd posters on his dorm walls and, tragically, the purchase of a Phish album. If you see these signs in anyone attempting to use the jukebox, call the authorities immediately.
WHY IT NEEDS TO BE RETIRED: This song has been played so much even Glenn Frey and Don Henley stab their own ears with icepicks whenever they hear it. Killing someone for playing it is legal in 13 states.
6. I WILL SURVIVE – GLORIA GAYNOR
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The 39 year old newly divorced woman whose friends have taken her to a bar where they’re all ten years older than the everyone in the bar, including the manager. After a 45 minute session where she and her friends repeatedly convince her that “any guy in this bar would fuck you. I’m telling you, Janice. You show me one other person who’s had three kids and is as hot as you!” she downs her last cosmo and makes a beeline for the juke box. She confidently plays this song, and as the beginning piano solo comes in, she turns around towards her friends as they all excitedly scream in unison, then begin singing. Behind them a group of 25 year old frat guys say “How many beers to take down the grandma?”
WHY IT NEEDS OT RETIRE: Nothing kills a buzz faster than having a group of people next to you get up and sing a song with the same passion and intensity of Russell Crowe speech from Gladiator, then suddenly sitting down once the song is over. Attempting to empower yourself by singing a 70s disco song tells the whole bar “I have low self esteem. Talk to me later when I’m drunk and there’s a good chance I’ll fuck you.”
5. MEATLOAF – PARADISE BY THE DASHBOARD LIGHT
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: With his over-the-top Broadway theatrics and his over-the-belt belly fat, Meatloaf attracts the tubby, pony-tailed husky guy who thinks to himself, “Hey, if a great big fatass like Meatloaf can pull this off, then I can too. Because I am also a great big fatass.” He then proceeds to try and out Meatloaf Meatloaf by undoing his pony tail for full hair-flip effect, props one knee on a table and sings along as loud as he possibly can. When he tries to get a girl to do the “let me sleep on it” part she politely declines and he’s forced to sing both the male and female parts by himself. Moments after the song is over he goes home, very alone.
WHY IT NEEDS TO BE RETIRED: First off, it’s eight minutes long. Secondly, it’s shitty Meatloaf singing about having sex in a car. The man is too fat to have sex in a barn. I'm pretty sure those are the only two reasons you need.
4. KID ROCK – BAWIDABA
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: He’s got a lifted truck that’s most likely powered by gasoline and “deez nuts.” He’s pounding bud lights sitting at the bar in a shirt that’s either sleeveless, or with sleeves short enough to show off the tattoo he got to commemorate the animal that most closely resembles the demeanor he displayed while playing middle linebacker in high school. He’s also a few beers deep and “there’s a lotta fatties and uptight bitches in this place,” so it’s vital that he take it upon himself to “fucking rock THIS SHIT brother.” He walks over to the juke box while maintaining a full body flex and enters the numbers for this song. Then he nods his head approvingly, as if to say to everyone “Don’t worry, you’re about to see what I picked and it’s gonna take your nuts and shove them inside your asshole, bro.”
WHY IT NEEDS TO RETIRE: Unlike some other songs on the list, this was never an acceptable juke box selection. The only time this is an appropriate selection is when you’re a stripper working the mid-day shift and you need a pick me up because you’re feeling gassy from the free hot dog lunch buffet your club was offering.
3. ANYTHING BY THE BEATLES - THE BEATLES
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: He or she is around 55 and although they seriously considered a cut off the Beach Boys “Pet Sounds” album, “you just can’t go wrong with the beatles.” They’re wearing Teva Sandles and a sweater from whatever college their son or daughter attended. They don’t go to the bar that often, but hey, who doesn’t love a good margarita. Maybe it’ll get them drunk enough to have sex with their significant other who has become disgusting with age! They’ll probably be sitting with several other older people who are waiting for just the right time to pull out their story about when they first heard this beatles song, which will be a lie, since the actual first time they heard it they were smoking laced weed while awkwardly looking for a place to shoot their load in the circle jerk that just “sort of happened.”
WHY IT NEEDS TO RETIRE: Before you freak the fuck out, we’re not saying the Beatles suck. The Beatles are a legendary and influential band and because of that, everybody has heard every one of their songs so many times that it feels like you’re living in North Korea and its propaganda spewing from megaphones mounted in the street.
2. PIANO MAN – BILLY JOEL
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The lonely guy wearing a suit, who just took off his sportcoat, loosened his tie and undid the top button on his shirt. After ordering a scotch and soda he asks the bartender where he was when this song came out. Instead of listening to the guy's answer, he immediately starts telling him how he came this close to signing to the Mets farm team and how his wife left him because he worked too much and that he really wanted to be a astronaut when he was a kid. Hours later, when he's finally done with his pity party and gets up to leave, he doesn't even notice that the bartender hung himself with a bar towel.
WHY IT NEEDS TO BE RETIRED: It makes everyone over 37 all weepy and sad as they sit there and reminisce about all their hope and dreams that never came true. And it makes everyone under 37 furious with murderous rage because they have to listen to this shitty song one more time.
1. AMERICAN PIE – DON MCLEAN
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The 55-year-old hippie who’s long, thinning hair and tie-dyed T-shirt scream desperation for a bye-gone era. He’ll spend the entire 8:32 of this epic ballad telling you how much better things were back in the 1960s because the youth actually fought for something. Then, because this song is so goddamn long, he’ll run out of boring stories and will start telling you his “secrets he learned in ‘Nam” that the government invented cancer and that LSD is the only true form of learning. Once it’s finally over, he’ll ask you to sign a petition to legalize hash.
WHY IT NEEDS TO BE RETIRED: It’s an eight-minute long shitty folk ballad that has long outlived it's welcome. It needs to die.
I just love it when music that was brilliantly created by brilliant people is maligned by some fat jerkoff that sits on the internet all day mocking things for the soul purpose of feeling superior to someone else, when in reality, whoever wrote this stupid "article" could never write the WORST song on this list. I don't really want to hear many of these songs again right now, but seriously, what the fuck have YOU ever done??? Why don't you find something CONSTRUCTIVE to do? (This is the part where you say something clever like "Yeah? But You Read It!! LOL" and I nod my head in disgust because of the douchebaggery has just maxed out.
Decent list, I'd say the points are valid and humorous for every song mentioned. I lol'd quite a few times because it's so true, and I myself have actually witnessed quite a few of the stereo types mentioned. Anyone who refuses to believe that those songs are shitty and over played must fall into one of the described categories themselves. Not that it's a bad thing, just makes it more difficult to have a objective perspective on such a hilarious list.
I normally don't comment on website/blog comments, but the hostility here in regards to a bit of light satire is amazing. This is the kind of outrage and indignation usually reserved for someone pissing into your Grandmother's casket at her funeral. Did some of those stereotypes hit a little too close to home for some of you? A lot of the songs listed here, while maybe good in their own right, are either overplayed to the point of being cliche' or otherwise carry cultural baggage that the writer finds distasteful. Some just kinda suck tho... Musical taste is just that, taste. I don't like oysters. I am aware that many others love them, some with far more refined and discerning palates than I think they're great. That's fine, I can respect that. I think they look and taste like snot. Carlos Santana is a very talented musician, and by all accounts he's a genuinely good guy, but I never want to hear "Oye Como Va" again as long as I live.
And another thing, I think Frank Gehry's buildings are ugly as sin and that he may be a worse architect than the guy that designs strip malls, but I couldn't build a doghouse. So why is it incumbent on me to be able to write and perform a better song than one I express dislike for? If you can't cook aren't you still able to tell a good meal from a bad one? Of course you are. You're able to make this distinction because even though you can't cook, you've eaten a lot of meals and have developed references and preferences. The same holds true for music. I'm a crappy guitar player, I have terribly clumsy fingers, but I have 3000 or so albums, and have knowledge/memory of many more. I have developed what I think is a pretty good ear for music. But according to many of you, I'm not qualified to actually comment on any of these albums until I can play them all note for note? Jesus help me. The only thing worse than a 12 year old internet tough guy is a 50 year old internet tough guy that thinks he's droppin' some serious knowledge on ya...
I'm sure that for some people, some of these songs hold great importance and/or nostalgia, but that doesn't make them sacred. It's only Rock&Roll after all...
#'S 3, 2 and 1.... are you fucking kidding me??
Some of the songs on this list are shit, but American Pie? Classic. Piano Man is awesome. And The Beatles?? The Beatles are the best fucking band there's ever been!
As a bartender, what the shit? Bon Jovi couldn't even fucking place on this list? Livin on a prayer is fucking MURDER. I swear, if people play Jon Bon one more time I'm gonna Jon Born kill them and Jon Bon burn the mother down.
What about Margaritaville and Brown-Eyed Girl. I want to shove a glowing hot steel shiv in my ears when I hear those songs. They're usually played dude or chick, respectively. They're in their late 20's and play these song because it brings back memories of college when they were actually able to get laid. There's a sadness to those selections actually.
Wow, what a truely pretentious article. Let me guess, you're the guy over in the corner who is trying to look cool, without trying too hard, but while still trying...... Don't Stop Believing is meant to be played on a juke box so that everyone can do their best air guitar!!
Wow some of you aren't getting the point of this article as I understood it. It's less about the writer declaring the songs "bad" as much as it is about the stereotypical (and correct) description of those who play those songs. I like a lot of those songs too for many different reasons but most are terribly played out and I've experienced most of the people he describes playing those songs. Thought this was hilarious and a great list. Friends in Low Places really did need to be on there though.
this list shows no insight and certainly doesn’t carry the ironic cache’ that it is do desperatley and pathetically seeking. it’s stupid. they should self-appoint themselves to the web site most desperately seeking and falling to be ironic.
the aboviously aging hipster know-it-all who authored this piece of crap should be added to the list of worthless smug list makers ever.
Whoever wrote this article is a legend in his/her own mind. What a crappy attitude and stop trying to sound so cool. You're SUCH and INTELLECTUAL and I certainly am imppressed with your wit. NOT.
I don't like 1/2 of the songs either, but it's not worth my time to consider making a big point of it. Get a life.
Creepy J. Eyes is right, dammit. And for chrissakes, those of you who took offense, grow a thicker skin. Some songs, regardless of their relative merit, are JUST PLAYED OUT. "Stairway To Heaven" is probably still a good song; I know for certain that "Carry On Wayward Son" is a great tune. Both are overplayed to all shit.
And some stereotypes (as to who plugs these songs into the jukebox) are dead on; otherwise, a stereotype wouldn't be a stereotype if there weren't a kernel of truth, eh?
Rock Over London
Rock On Chicago
Mountain Dew: DEW IT!
Does anyone have a clue how many millions these tunes have brought in collectively? Man would I love to be getting just a fraction of the royalty's from any one of these hits... Music is proven timeless! Get used to it, cause it's never gonna fade away.
I was 16 and working in a pizza place and everybody picked this as one of their three for a quarter. We would slam the jukebox and it would scratch across the record. We did it enough times that the intro would happen and it would simply skreeeeeeech to the end and go to the next selection. We never told the jukebox dude to fix it.
You definitely created a forum for everyone to vent their anger over music snobs.
No one likes a music snob...especially the people who realize everyone has different tastes.
I detected a little bitterness....but I thought the stereotypes were hilarious.
I found this article featured in the New York Times humor section. Well done.
This list is awful. In fact, its so far off I thought it was a joke at first. Piano Man should always be played at a bar, but only at the end of the night. Some of the other songs on this list are amazing too.
I would rather hear Beatles music from their Live in Hamburg album, totally different from the norm, since that stuff was recorded in a bar before they were famous and it has a bar feel all over it. Something like "Matchbox" or other cover song they did at that time.
Or solo Beatles stuff, for example on the old 45 jukeboxes they would have John Lennon's hit song "Mind Games" on one side and on the B-side would be "Meat City", a great rocker not many people have heard because it was a B-side. Most of his 45 jukebox stuff was arranged like that because he hung out at bars and knew all this already.
How about only retiring bland pop fluff and leaving sincerely awesome crystaline glories to sit atop the jukebox pantheon for all eternity.
Sheryl Crow, the Killers, the entire Supernatural album, and Kid Rock can all go die slowly in an oven, but even mentioning censoring classic rock greats like Journey or Skynard will get you an asskicking in any bar worth drinking in. So take your smug little gormless wanker opinions out back and hit yourself in the head with a ballpeen a few times until you get over yourself and recognize that perhaps the only reason you can't appreciate Piano Man is because you're afraid of having feelings because of your own deep seated insecurities and self loathing.
Wow, a list of popular songs that you don't like. That's really original. Next you slap them together with a premise, "Songs you should never play in a bar." Holy moley you must be some kind of genius. Then a stereotyped list of who might be selecting the song! Wow, the mental feces never stops with you. Could this have been relevant 10 years ago? Maybe 15? What kind of places are you hanging out in that actually have a jukebox? Didn't those disappear a long way back? Welcome to my opinion, I just suffered through yours.
This was fucking hilarious and I like most of these songs. My musical tastes lean towards the less played bands but I will still sing Journey or Skynard when I hear it. I was raised on the Beatles but I still laughed. Don't take your musical tastes so personally, no matter what you like somebody out there hates it. I love bands that my friends hate, screw it, I like them. Don't take it so serious.
Wow. This list is hilarious. I think that is what everyone should really be thinking about, not "OMG, dis dude maked fUn of meh and mehy sOng!*!" Besides, everyone that goes to a bar is either in the mood or do something stupid or always does stupid shit. Hell, I'll even dance to RAP music if I'm drunk enough but of course I would prefer it to be Sweet Home Alabama....
I enjoy some of the songs on this list, but I can see why they could get tiring. It's funny how worked up some of the commenters get when they see a song they like on lists like these.
It is obvious the list is just to get people riled up. Too many of the songs are classics and speak to so many people. The writer realizes if his list were meaningful, everybody would say yes he right and not bother to point out his lack of musical taste. No buzz equals a poor blog.
That's "cachet." And "self-anointed," and drop the "to." "do desperatley" should become "so desperately."
"should be added to the list of worthless smug list makers ever."
You need to drop that "ever" or add a "most."
Point being? I enjoyed this article because I noticed the details. Your analysis is nothing but clumsy generalization, and I expect your comprehension was similarly vague.
Good list. Even funnier because in the past 20 years I have played 7 of these songs in various bar bands. For Skynyrd, another reason not to play them is because every shitty band in the world things they can do a good job playing a Skynyrd song. They're all wrong.
My god, it's a joke, get over it! If you frequent a bar that has a limited jukebox, usually of the "dive" variety, it is inevitable that these songs get played over and over. I get it--because I've lived it! Do you go to the same bar as me? seriously...It just makes sense. This list--makes perfect sense. You idiots that take this seriously and are "offended"--jeesh. Get over it, you don't need the warm smell of colitas for the 80 millionth time.
OH-- another one that should be added... That insanely horrific Nickelback song that's like... "I like your pants around your feet" or something.
Ohhh do I hate that song. There have been times people have played it multiple times in one evening at the bar and I've almost cried.
I've been guilty of playing several of these songs, and this still cracked me up. But there's an addition to who plays I Will Survive: Drunken sorority girls who think they're being wacky and crazy, when they're really just drunk and stupid.
And if I never hear Hotel California again, I'll be a happy, happy girl.
anything by abba, springsteen (who), any canadian band except PRISM, COTTON eyed JOE makes me wish i was the Una bomber so i could take myself out suicide style - classic rock stations are slitting their own throats by DIRT SLEEPING so many good songs & at the same time ignoring other songs by the same classic bands thaT GET zip airplay - when was the last time i heard RUSS ballard or Donnie IRIS or anything off the NAZARETH LIVE album - speaking of LIVE - i even was so desperate i requested a song on FLOWER NET (??) by kenny FREAKIn' loggins (i'M alright - live in the boonies '94? album) and i actually enjoyed the song - it sounded modern & fresh - good production - go figure - maybe i'll i should watch that topless volleyball scene in TOPGUN again ... then again, maybe NOT
did everybody forget "you don't have to call me darling, darling"? have you all lost your minds? this is the absolute worst jukebox song of al time. every goofy redneck in the joint will be singing this shit, then they'll probably play it again. the old nasty ass bar flies love the shit too. the worst ever.
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
June 17th, 2008 at 11:39 pm
what kind of music do you listen to, faggot?
June 18th, 2008 at 12:05 am
They missed one... "Pour Some Sugar on Me"
If I never hear that song again it'll be way too soon. It makes me wanna stab myself repeatedly.
June 18th, 2008 at 12:16 am
I just love it when music that was brilliantly created by brilliant people is maligned by some fat jerkoff that sits on the internet all day mocking things for the soul purpose of feeling superior to someone else, when in reality, whoever wrote this stupid "article" could never write the WORST song on this list. I don't really want to hear many of these songs again right now, but seriously, what the fuck have YOU ever done??? Why don't you find something CONSTRUCTIVE to do? (This is the part where you say something clever like "Yeah? But You Read It!! LOL" and I nod my head in disgust because of the douchebaggery has just maxed out.
June 18th, 2008 at 12:35 am
Decent list, I'd say the points are valid and humorous for every song mentioned. I lol'd quite a few times because it's so true, and I myself have actually witnessed quite a few of the stereo types mentioned. Anyone who refuses to believe that those songs are shitty and over played must fall into one of the described categories themselves. Not that it's a bad thing, just makes it more difficult to have a objective perspective on such a hilarious list.
June 18th, 2008 at 12:57 am
Any song by the "Spin Doctors"
June 18th, 2008 at 01:29 am
I normally don't comment on website/blog comments, but the hostility here in regards to a bit of light satire is amazing. This is the kind of outrage and indignation usually reserved for someone pissing into your Grandmother's casket at her funeral. Did some of those stereotypes hit a little too close to home for some of you? A lot of the songs listed here, while maybe good in their own right, are either overplayed to the point of being cliche' or otherwise carry cultural baggage that the writer finds distasteful. Some just kinda suck tho... Musical taste is just that, taste. I don't like oysters. I am aware that many others love them, some with far more refined and discerning palates than I think they're great. That's fine, I can respect that. I think they look and taste like snot. Carlos Santana is a very talented musician, and by all accounts he's a genuinely good guy, but I never want to hear "Oye Como Va" again as long as I live.
And another thing, I think Frank Gehry's buildings are ugly as sin and that he may be a worse architect than the guy that designs strip malls, but I couldn't build a doghouse. So why is it incumbent on me to be able to write and perform a better song than one I express dislike for? If you can't cook aren't you still able to tell a good meal from a bad one? Of course you are. You're able to make this distinction because even though you can't cook, you've eaten a lot of meals and have developed references and preferences. The same holds true for music. I'm a crappy guitar player, I have terribly clumsy fingers, but I have 3000 or so albums, and have knowledge/memory of many more. I have developed what I think is a pretty good ear for music. But according to many of you, I'm not qualified to actually comment on any of these albums until I can play them all note for note? Jesus help me. The only thing worse than a 12 year old internet tough guy is a 50 year old internet tough guy that thinks he's droppin' some serious knowledge on ya...
I'm sure that for some people, some of these songs hold great importance and/or nostalgia, but that doesn't make them sacred. It's only Rock&Roll after all...
June 18th, 2008 at 01:32 am
I once had the nerve to play soft cell's memorabilia 3 times in a row at a bar.
June 18th, 2008 at 01:36 am
#'S 3, 2 and 1.... are you fucking kidding me??
Some of the songs on this list are shit, but American Pie? Classic. Piano Man is awesome. And The Beatles?? The Beatles are the best fucking band there's ever been!
June 18th, 2008 at 02:11 am
You stupid, ignorant über-loads! This blog is intended to be humorous! What a bunch of overly-sensitive, completely clueless douchébags!!!
Waaaah! Waaaah! They're making fun of Meat Loaf!!!! Omigod!!!! SORRY! That fat fuck deserves to be made fun of. He's a talentless hump!!!
Y'see? That's over-arched, fake rage.
Funny, right?
June 18th, 2008 at 02:18 am
Hey "me,"
American Pie is the musical equivalent of a 12-inch turd. It's so long it curls around the bowl and stinks up the entire house long after it's done!
June 18th, 2008 at 03:00 am
Ok this ruled.
June 18th, 2008 at 03:36 am
The fucking song that rocks the fucking house?
Jessica.
June 18th, 2008 at 05:18 am
As a bartender, what the shit? Bon Jovi couldn't even fucking place on this list? Livin on a prayer is fucking MURDER. I swear, if people play Jon Bon one more time I'm gonna Jon Born kill them and Jon Bon burn the mother down.
June 18th, 2008 at 06:32 am
don't stop believing will never get old. never.
June 18th, 2008 at 06:33 am
don't stop believing will never get old. never never never.
June 18th, 2008 at 07:59 am
Hmm...Ok the list is not that bad, however there is just one song I would like to see there...Britney Spears version of - I love rock and roll ;)
June 18th, 2008 at 08:09 am
Heh...you should create a playlist with these songs in it at Finetune.com. Sort of a complement to the piece.
June 18th, 2008 at 09:02 am
never been to this website before. i think its probably because it is so far up on its high horse i couldn't get to it.
curious, is there a list of songs that a person can play in the bar without you passing judgement on them?
and about the whole "this is a humor blog", where was the humor at?
June 18th, 2008 at 11:13 am
You forgot "wreck of the edmund fitzgerald" here in michigan that song has some sort of retarded cult following...
June 18th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
What about Margaritaville and Brown-Eyed Girl. I want to shove a glowing hot steel shiv in my ears when I hear those songs. They're usually played dude or chick, respectively. They're in their late 20's and play these song because it brings back memories of college when they were actually able to get laid. There's a sadness to those selections actually.
June 18th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
So what DO you like played at the bar??
June 18th, 2008 at 01:16 pm
Wow, what a truely pretentious article. Let me guess, you're the guy over in the corner who is trying to look cool, without trying too hard, but while still trying...... Don't Stop Believing is meant to be played on a juke box so that everyone can do their best air guitar!!
June 18th, 2008 at 02:44 pm
Wow some of you aren't getting the point of this article as I understood it. It's less about the writer declaring the songs "bad" as much as it is about the stereotypical (and correct) description of those who play those songs. I like a lot of those songs too for many different reasons but most are terribly played out and I've experienced most of the people he describes playing those songs. Thought this was hilarious and a great list. Friends in Low Places really did need to be on there though.
June 18th, 2008 at 03:37 pm
this list shows no insight and certainly doesn’t carry the ironic cache’ that it is do desperatley and pathetically seeking. it’s stupid. they should self-appoint themselves to the web site most desperately seeking and falling to be ironic.
the aboviously aging hipster know-it-all who authored this piece of crap should be added to the list of worthless smug list makers ever.
June 18th, 2008 at 04:32 pm
Whoever wrote this article is a legend in his/her own mind. What a crappy attitude and stop trying to sound so cool. You're SUCH and INTELLECTUAL and I certainly am imppressed with your wit. NOT.
I don't like 1/2 of the songs either, but it's not worth my time to consider making a big point of it. Get a life.
June 18th, 2008 at 04:36 pm
If this had been a baseball stadium instead of a bar, you could have included "Proud to be an American." Oooh, that's going to get some people going.
Just remember, as John Prine said, "your flag decal won't get you into heaven any more."
June 18th, 2008 at 05:37 pm
Another one....
Hank Williams Jr. - Family Tradition
June 18th, 2008 at 06:02 pm
Wow, I wish my blog got this many posts...
Creepy J. Eyes is right, dammit. And for chrissakes, those of you who took offense, grow a thicker skin. Some songs, regardless of their relative merit, are JUST PLAYED OUT. "Stairway To Heaven" is probably still a good song; I know for certain that "Carry On Wayward Son" is a great tune. Both are overplayed to all shit.
And some stereotypes (as to who plugs these songs into the jukebox) are dead on; otherwise, a stereotype wouldn't be a stereotype if there weren't a kernel of truth, eh?
Rock Over London
Rock On Chicago
Mountain Dew: DEW IT!
June 18th, 2008 at 06:59 pm
Does anyone have a clue how many millions these tunes have brought in collectively? Man would I love to be getting just a fraction of the royalty's from any one of these hits... Music is proven timeless! Get used to it, cause it's never gonna fade away.
June 18th, 2008 at 07:12 pm
Rock Lobster!!
I was 16 and working in a pizza place and everybody picked this as one of their three for a quarter. We would slam the jukebox and it would scratch across the record. We did it enough times that the intro would happen and it would simply skreeeeeeech to the end and go to the next selection. We never told the jukebox dude to fix it.
June 18th, 2008 at 09:11 pm
You definitely created a forum for everyone to vent their anger over music snobs.
No one likes a music snob...especially the people who realize everyone has different tastes.
I detected a little bitterness....but I thought the stereotypes were hilarious.
I found this article featured in the New York Times humor section. Well done.
June 18th, 2008 at 09:25 pm
This list is awful. In fact, its so far off I thought it was a joke at first. Piano Man should always be played at a bar, but only at the end of the night. Some of the other songs on this list are amazing too.
June 18th, 2008 at 10:35 pm
I would rather hear Beatles music from their Live in Hamburg album, totally different from the norm, since that stuff was recorded in a bar before they were famous and it has a bar feel all over it. Something like "Matchbox" or other cover song they did at that time.
Or solo Beatles stuff, for example on the old 45 jukeboxes they would have John Lennon's hit song "Mind Games" on one side and on the B-side would be "Meat City", a great rocker not many people have heard because it was a B-side. Most of his 45 jukebox stuff was arranged like that because he hung out at bars and knew all this already.
June 18th, 2008 at 10:46 pm
How about only retiring bland pop fluff and leaving sincerely awesome crystaline glories to sit atop the jukebox pantheon for all eternity.
Sheryl Crow, the Killers, the entire Supernatural album, and Kid Rock can all go die slowly in an oven, but even mentioning censoring classic rock greats like Journey or Skynard will get you an asskicking in any bar worth drinking in. So take your smug little gormless wanker opinions out back and hit yourself in the head with a ballpeen a few times until you get over yourself and recognize that perhaps the only reason you can't appreciate Piano Man is because you're afraid of having feelings because of your own deep seated insecurities and self loathing.
June 18th, 2008 at 11:04 pm
Wow, a list of popular songs that you don't like. That's really original. Next you slap them together with a premise, "Songs you should never play in a bar." Holy moley you must be some kind of genius. Then a stereotyped list of who might be selecting the song! Wow, the mental feces never stops with you. Could this have been relevant 10 years ago? Maybe 15? What kind of places are you hanging out in that actually have a jukebox? Didn't those disappear a long way back? Welcome to my opinion, I just suffered through yours.
June 18th, 2008 at 11:47 pm
This was fucking hilarious and I like most of these songs. My musical tastes lean towards the less played bands but I will still sing Journey or Skynard when I hear it. I was raised on the Beatles but I still laughed. Don't take your musical tastes so personally, no matter what you like somebody out there hates it. I love bands that my friends hate, screw it, I like them. Don't take it so serious.
June 18th, 2008 at 11:58 pm
Fuck you, I bought a Phish album.
Nevermind; I'm that guy.
June 19th, 2008 at 12:03 am
perhaps these songs would sound better if you took your head out of your ass....
June 19th, 2008 at 12:12 am
Wow. This list is hilarious. I think that is what everyone should really be thinking about, not "OMG, dis dude maked fUn of meh and mehy sOng!*!" Besides, everyone that goes to a bar is either in the mood or do something stupid or always does stupid shit. Hell, I'll even dance to RAP music if I'm drunk enough but of course I would prefer it to be Sweet Home Alabama....
June 19th, 2008 at 12:23 am
I enjoy some of the songs on this list, but I can see why they could get tiring. It's funny how worked up some of the commenters get when they see a song they like on lists like these.
June 19th, 2008 at 12:31 am
It is obvious the list is just to get people riled up. Too many of the songs are classics and speak to so many people. The writer realizes if his list were meaningful, everybody would say yes he right and not bother to point out his lack of musical taste. No buzz equals a poor blog.
June 19th, 2008 at 12:45 am
the finger:
That's "cachet." And "self-anointed," and drop the "to." "do desperatley" should become "so desperately."
"should be added to the list of worthless smug list makers ever."
You need to drop that "ever" or add a "most."
Point being? I enjoyed this article because I noticed the details. Your analysis is nothing but clumsy generalization, and I expect your comprehension was similarly vague.
June 19th, 2008 at 01:32 am
Good list. Even funnier because in the past 20 years I have played 7 of these songs in various bar bands. For Skynyrd, another reason not to play them is because every shitty band in the world things they can do a good job playing a Skynyrd song. They're all wrong.
June 19th, 2008 at 01:44 am
My god, it's a joke, get over it! If you frequent a bar that has a limited jukebox, usually of the "dive" variety, it is inevitable that these songs get played over and over. I get it--because I've lived it! Do you go to the same bar as me? seriously...It just makes sense. This list--makes perfect sense. You idiots that take this seriously and are "offended"--jeesh. Get over it, you don't need the warm smell of colitas for the 80 millionth time.
June 19th, 2008 at 01:57 am
OH-- another one that should be added... That insanely horrific Nickelback song that's like... "I like your pants around your feet" or something.
Ohhh do I hate that song. There have been times people have played it multiple times in one evening at the bar and I've almost cried.
June 19th, 2008 at 03:01 am
I've been guilty of playing several of these songs, and this still cracked me up. But there's an addition to who plays I Will Survive: Drunken sorority girls who think they're being wacky and crazy, when they're really just drunk and stupid.
And if I never hear Hotel California again, I'll be a happy, happy girl.
June 19th, 2008 at 03:21 am
We are all entitled to our opinions. Except for whatever bo-tart compiled this list. Was this person like 21?
June 19th, 2008 at 04:40 am
"Don't Stop Believing" should NOT be on this list. It is timeless and will always be a classic-stop hating, but don't stop believing in this song!
June 19th, 2008 at 05:29 am
anything by abba, springsteen (who), any canadian band except PRISM, COTTON eyed JOE makes me wish i was the Una bomber so i could take myself out suicide style - classic rock stations are slitting their own throats by DIRT SLEEPING so many good songs & at the same time ignoring other songs by the same classic bands thaT GET zip airplay - when was the last time i heard RUSS ballard or Donnie IRIS or anything off the NAZARETH LIVE album - speaking of LIVE - i even was so desperate i requested a song on FLOWER NET (??) by kenny FREAKIn' loggins (i'M alright - live in the boonies '94? album) and i actually enjoyed the song - it sounded modern & fresh - good production - go figure - maybe i'll i should watch that topless volleyball scene in TOPGUN again ... then again, maybe NOT
June 19th, 2008 at 05:57 am
did everybody forget "you don't have to call me darling, darling"? have you all lost your minds? this is the absolute worst jukebox song of al time. every goofy redneck in the joint will be singing this shit, then they'll probably play it again. the old nasty ass bar flies love the shit too. the worst ever.
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