There's nothing worse than having a perfectly good drinking session ruined by a song that either doesn't belong in a bar, has been crammed down your ears too many times, or just plain sucks.
14. ALL I WANNA DO – SHERYL CROW
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The 45-year-old wannabe cougar who, despite being totally beaten down by her dead-end job as a real estate agent, thinks she can relate to the free spiritedness this song represents. She could totally drink beer at noon on a Tuesday…if she didn’t have to be at work. And she could totally drive down Santa Monica Boulevard with some guy named Billy or Mac or Buddy…if she didn’t have to pick her kids up from soccer practice. So, instead of going all Thelma and Louise, she ends up dancing with her other cougar friends before calling it a night in time to catch Grey’s Anatomy.
WHY IT NEEDS TO BE RETIRED: When played at a bar, it does nothing but get a bunch of middle-aged women with fupas and gunts up on the dance floor who ask the DJ to play "Margaritaville" next.
13. MR. BRIGHTSIDE – THE KILLERS
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The wanna-be hipster. That’s right, he’s not a hipster, but he is choosing to become one. That’s like being potty trained and choosing to shit your pants. Unfortunately for him, the killers lost hipster credibility when they became profitable to a record label. So, even though he’s wearing a t-shirt featuring the tour dates of a band he’s never heard of, and really really tight jeans, once he’s popped this song on, other hipsters react like a Klu Klux Klansman hearing his buddy quote a Martin Lawrence movie.
WHY IT NEEDS TO RETIRE: The sound of the lead singer bellowing “I NEEEEVVVEEERRRR” towards the end of the song is reminiscent of the sound a man makes when he inadvertently sits on his testicles. The worst part about this song being picked in a juke box is that someone is definitely trying to say something about themselves, thus the next two selections his dollar provided is going to be even more shitty emo. By the end, you’ll want to take the Pabst Blue Ribbon he’s forcing himself to drink and lodge it in your windpipe.
12. R.E.M. – IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT (AND I FEEL FINE)
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The bespectacled, sweater-wearing grad schooler who wants to play a song that shows off his knowledge of political and world affairs. He almost puts on Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start The Fire” but figured REM might make him look a little hipper. But his inability to talk to the opposite sex compels him to explain every cultural reference in the lyrics. “Did you know Leonid Brezhnev served as leader of the Communist party longer than anyone except Stalin? It’s true. And Lester Bangs was an influential music writer who wrote for Rolling Stone and Creem magazines. Hey, where are you going? ”
WHY IT NEEDS TO BE RETIRED: Everyone who hears this song thinks they can sing along, but they always end up screwing up the words. So you get a bar full of people screaming, “That’s great it starts with an earthquake…birds…Lenny Bruce!...hurricane…LEONARD BERNSTEIN…oh wait, that comes later.”
11. DANCING QUEEN – ABBA
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: She’s a shy wallflower with lots of acne in her mid-20s who still reads Sweet Valley High books and plays with her My Little Pony dolls. This song represents her fairy tale dream where she steps onto the dance floor and wows all the guys with her graceful moves. At the end of the night she’s swept off her feet by a handsome Prince Charming who takes her away in a chariot led by 10 mighty steeds. Later that evening, she realizes she’s in a rusty 1984 Datsun and the guy next to her has a pizza stain on his Foreigner T-shirt and he’s asking her to chip in for gas money.
WHY IT NEEDS TO BE RETIRED: It’s disco.
10. SWEET HOME ALABAMA – LYNYRD SKYNYRD
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: Look to the bar, there’s probably a gentleman there who’s wearing a flannel shirt with black sleeves. Upon closer inspection, you’ll realize he’s wearing a sleeveless flannel shirt, and what you thought were sleeves are actually a dark, dense fur that’s made a home on in his shoulders and upper arms. He’ll meander up to the juke box and stare it for ten minutes looking through every album twice, because unlike the sex he has with his obese wife, he’s in no rush to finish. When he selects the song, watch closely, because as it begins to play, he’ll say the words “turn it up,” then hold his hand up and when Skynyrd says “turn it up,” he’ll drop his hand down, signifying that he correctly predicted Skynyrd would say this as well.
WHY IT NEEDS TO RETIRE: If Lynyrd Skynyrd had a Juke Box at their house, I’m pretty sure this wouldn’t be on it. This song, much like Jenna Jameson’s vagina, once was great, but years of non-stop commercialized rocking have made it unsuitable for use.
9. DON’T STOP BELIEVING – JOURNEY
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The middle aged guy who’s still in the suit he bought just to make sure he landed the Peterson account, which he did! But he knows it’s Friday now, time to order some chicken fingers and let loose! Right before he plays the song, he’ll talk to his buddies about how they should totally take a trip to Vegas together. “Fuck it, let’s just do it.” Then they’ll all check their blackberries to find that they either have a prostate exam, a kid’s play to go to, or “wife wants to go see her parents so I kind of got to keep my weekends open for whenever that will be.” Then they’ll sit in silence until one of them leaves and heads to the juke box to make this ass kicking selection.
WHY IT NEEDS TO RETIRE: This song is as played out as Steve Perry is ugly. Whenever it’s selected on a juke box, it’s like a time out is being called from having fun. If this still pumps you up to hear, you probably also get pumped up when your wife says stuff like “I rented the first season of that show “The Closer” that my sister recommended. Maybe if I’m not too tired afterwards we’ll have sex or something
8. SMOOTH – CARLOS SANTANA AND ROB THOMAS
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The mega brodawg wearing a white bandana and rings on his fingers who “cannot believe!” that his “main man” Carlos Santana got together with the lead singer of the “totally best fuckin’ band ever” Matchbox Twenty. Seriously, this has “gotta be the best jam of all time, bro.” He’s pretty sure that the only way a better song would come along is if “Jimi came back from the dead to play with, like, Mozart, bro. Totally.”
WHY IT NEEDS TO BE RETIRED: It’s a washed-up guitarist joining forces with the world’s blandest singer to write a song that my parent’s older friend’s like (honestly). This song should only be played on the jukebox in homes for the deaf.
7. HOTEL CALIFORNIA - THE EAGLES
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The college freshman who just “discovered music” and is "getting into" the “deep and heavy lyrics.” This gateway song will lead this young man into an ill-advised Steve Miller concert, Pink Floyd posters on his dorm walls and, tragically, the purchase of a Phish album. If you see these signs in anyone attempting to use the jukebox, call the authorities immediately.
WHY IT NEEDS TO BE RETIRED: This song has been played so much even Glenn Frey and Don Henley stab their own ears with icepicks whenever they hear it. Killing someone for playing it is legal in 13 states.
6. I WILL SURVIVE – GLORIA GAYNOR
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The 39 year old newly divorced woman whose friends have taken her to a bar where they’re all ten years older than the everyone in the bar, including the manager. After a 45 minute session where she and her friends repeatedly convince her that “any guy in this bar would fuck you. I’m telling you, Janice. You show me one other person who’s had three kids and is as hot as you!” she downs her last cosmo and makes a beeline for the juke box. She confidently plays this song, and as the beginning piano solo comes in, she turns around towards her friends as they all excitedly scream in unison, then begin singing. Behind them a group of 25 year old frat guys say “How many beers to take down the grandma?”
WHY IT NEEDS OT RETIRE: Nothing kills a buzz faster than having a group of people next to you get up and sing a song with the same passion and intensity of Russell Crowe speech from Gladiator, then suddenly sitting down once the song is over. Attempting to empower yourself by singing a 70s disco song tells the whole bar “I have low self esteem. Talk to me later when I’m drunk and there’s a good chance I’ll fuck you.”
5. MEATLOAF – PARADISE BY THE DASHBOARD LIGHT
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: With his over-the-top Broadway theatrics and his over-the-belt belly fat, Meatloaf attracts the tubby, pony-tailed husky guy who thinks to himself, “Hey, if a great big fatass like Meatloaf can pull this off, then I can too. Because I am also a great big fatass.” He then proceeds to try and out Meatloaf Meatloaf by undoing his pony tail for full hair-flip effect, props one knee on a table and sings along as loud as he possibly can. When he tries to get a girl to do the “let me sleep on it” part she politely declines and he’s forced to sing both the male and female parts by himself. Moments after the song is over he goes home, very alone.
WHY IT NEEDS TO BE RETIRED: First off, it’s eight minutes long. Secondly, it’s shitty Meatloaf singing about having sex in a car. The man is too fat to have sex in a barn. I'm pretty sure those are the only two reasons you need.
4. KID ROCK – BAWIDABA
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: He’s got a lifted truck that’s most likely powered by gasoline and “deez nuts.” He’s pounding bud lights sitting at the bar in a shirt that’s either sleeveless, or with sleeves short enough to show off the tattoo he got to commemorate the animal that most closely resembles the demeanor he displayed while playing middle linebacker in high school. He’s also a few beers deep and “there’s a lotta fatties and uptight bitches in this place,” so it’s vital that he take it upon himself to “fucking rock THIS SHIT brother.” He walks over to the juke box while maintaining a full body flex and enters the numbers for this song. Then he nods his head approvingly, as if to say to everyone “Don’t worry, you’re about to see what I picked and it’s gonna take your nuts and shove them inside your asshole, bro.”
WHY IT NEEDS TO RETIRE: Unlike some other songs on the list, this was never an acceptable juke box selection. The only time this is an appropriate selection is when you’re a stripper working the mid-day shift and you need a pick me up because you’re feeling gassy from the free hot dog lunch buffet your club was offering.
3. ANYTHING BY THE BEATLES - THE BEATLES
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: He or she is around 55 and although they seriously considered a cut off the Beach Boys “Pet Sounds” album, “you just can’t go wrong with the beatles.” They’re wearing Teva Sandles and a sweater from whatever college their son or daughter attended. They don’t go to the bar that often, but hey, who doesn’t love a good margarita. Maybe it’ll get them drunk enough to have sex with their significant other who has become disgusting with age! They’ll probably be sitting with several other older people who are waiting for just the right time to pull out their story about when they first heard this beatles song, which will be a lie, since the actual first time they heard it they were smoking laced weed while awkwardly looking for a place to shoot their load in the circle jerk that just “sort of happened.”
WHY IT NEEDS TO RETIRE: Before you freak the fuck out, we’re not saying the Beatles suck. The Beatles are a legendary and influential band and because of that, everybody has heard every one of their songs so many times that it feels like you’re living in North Korea and its propaganda spewing from megaphones mounted in the street.
2. PIANO MAN – BILLY JOEL
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The lonely guy wearing a suit, who just took off his sportcoat, loosened his tie and undid the top button on his shirt. After ordering a scotch and soda he asks the bartender where he was when this song came out. Instead of listening to the guy's answer, he immediately starts telling him how he came this close to signing to the Mets farm team and how his wife left him because he worked too much and that he really wanted to be a astronaut when he was a kid. Hours later, when he's finally done with his pity party and gets up to leave, he doesn't even notice that the bartender hung himself with a bar towel.
WHY IT NEEDS TO BE RETIRED: It makes everyone over 37 all weepy and sad as they sit there and reminisce about all their hope and dreams that never came true. And it makes everyone under 37 furious with murderous rage because they have to listen to this shitty song one more time.
1. AMERICAN PIE – DON MCLEAN
WHO PLAYS THIS ON THE JUKE BOX: The 55-year-old hippie who’s long, thinning hair and tie-dyed T-shirt scream desperation for a bye-gone era. He’ll spend the entire 8:32 of this epic ballad telling you how much better things were back in the 1960s because the youth actually fought for something. Then, because this song is so goddamn long, he’ll run out of boring stories and will start telling you his “secrets he learned in ‘Nam” that the government invented cancer and that LSD is the only true form of learning. Once it’s finally over, he’ll ask you to sign a petition to legalize hash.
WHY IT NEEDS TO BE RETIRED: It’s an eight-minute long shitty folk ballad that has long outlived it's welcome. It needs to die.
These songs deserve to be played if for no other reason than to annoy the twenty-something writer in the bar who thinks he's smarter than everybody else.
You seem to have a thing against women going out to bars, drinking, dancing, having fun without involving men. What is this "wanna be cougar" crap? Just because women over 30 like to enjoy a night out with friends does NOT mean that she is after a self absorbed, pompous, pseudo intellectual adolescent like yourself. Image isn't everything, in fact image isn't ANYTHING. Substance,! Give us some substance!
This list is only about 60% right - which means it fails! I'll give you Sheryll Crow and Mr. Brightside, but c'mon, Hotel California, Sweet Home Alabama, and Journey are all fine bar songs. I don't like most Kid Rock songs either, but Bawidaba is ok, I think, for a bar scene.
Not a bad list, but you forgot atll the damn country crap ("Friends in Low Places," "I Love This Bar," anything by the Dixie-motherfucking-Chicks, etc.) I 'd rather hear everything on the list in played on a continuous loop than any of that pseudo-hilbilly crapus!
BTW, When I think of "Paradise by the Dashboard Light," I think more of thick chicks; not fat, but more softball-player built. The ones with shortish hair who drink beer. tThey aren't actually lesbians, but they are pushing it. They go to bars in small- to- medium groups, and when they laly this song they sing along while making eye contact with one another, as if to say "we both know this song! Hear me roar!" Except for the baseball-announcer part: then, one thick chick will be the announcer, pattering into the top of a beer-bottle, while the most femme thick chik makes the moany noises.
Oh, and regarding "I will survive" - you forgot the gaggle of snotty gay guys in their mid-thirties who all work at Disney and think they're too cool for the world (see Patton Oswalt's joke about wanting to be gay and sitting around making catty comments during "Six Feet Under"). They're not overt types - just the more conservative kind who love to look down their non-breeding noses at...everyone...for not having impeccable fashion & decorating sense and being as well-groomed as they. When this song comes on they squeal with delight and high-five each other, then drop their 9-to-5 office demeanor to start talking like bitchy black women and get in touch wif dey inner drag-queen, garlfrennnn!
I have to say, this is a great list. I agree with all those picks. And the one reason they need to stop being played is that they are so overplayed! I agree as well with whoever said "the summer of '69" needs to be on this list. make it 15. Oh, and add "all country songs" too. Nothing is worse than when the the wannabe cowboy or creature-feature and her inbred friends from tennessee mount a hostile jukebox take-over!
haha, look at all the old people, offended that some of their favs made this list. Either realize that you shouldn't get offended over something so silly, or... rather than just assuming you are right and criticizing the author, you should think that the possibility exists that she/he's right. the young crowd, (aka the majority of the people at normal bars) doesn't want to hear your generation's reminiscing songs, nor your stories of the good ol' days. go to work, get married, have kids and be miserable like you're supposed to, and stay off our jukeboxes damn it!
Oh and regarding Journey - sorry, I just have to address this 'un - Katie College Student? I'm sure you're a sweet girl. Maybe even a good student. I'm sure your parents - more specifically, your daddy - is spending hundreds of thousands of his hard-earned cashish to put through school so you can drink cheap beer, get shit-faced, throwing up your shoes-drunk and flash your beautiful, perky, little boobies to a thirty-year-old guy with a video camera - then end up working in a cubicle forest until you get divorced, sing "I will survive" and then die. But Journey has made a rather lucractive career being thirty-year-old guys who wrote sappy, cheesy, infantile, remedial, trite, predictable, boring and safe drivel - just for High School and College girls like you, who are - sappy, cheesy, infantile, remedial, trite, predictable, boring and safe (see "Abba" description). This - and the fact they spawned succubi like Bon Jovi, Matchbox Twenty, Maroon 5, Dishwalla, Creed and other pablum-spewing bohunks - makes them the most awful band in the history of rock. This is not my opinion, it is a natural fact. And remember - you, who actually like that garbage - just because you like it - say it with me - doesn't mean it's good, that's right.
As a working musician ya gotta know at one time or another ya gotta swallow your pride and play one or 2 of those songs. Cuz the peeps wanna hear 'em and they pay ya.
BUT
Eventually you get past 40 and you don't give a rat's ass what anyone thinks and you do what you want.
And if you're good, they pay ya any way.
Ain't life grand?!!
i think you just spend too much time in bars that you think these songs are too overplayed but maybe you need to find something better to do with your life.
that was kind of hypocritical, but still, it needed to be said.
It's just a fuuny take on bar songs folks. No need to get upset if you see your favorite artists pilloried. Frankly, I didn't like to see the Beatles on this list. But it's all just harmless fun. Next time you go to a bar think of this article have a laugh and watch people around you listening to the songs and make your own list.
I haven't read all the responses but I'm surprised 'Old Time Rock n Roll' didn't make the list. I like Bob Seger just as much as the next guy but when I was a dj way back when, every night without fail, some drunkn fool would stagger up and scream 'Play some Old Time Rock N Roll man... and I would politely explain that it was the single song I would not and could not play, ever.
If your this concerned with the music selection at the bar your at, I don't want what your having, I need something with a little more alcohol. Heck, less me guess you have something fruity, go check if the bartender is even adding any at all.
I would like to see his list of the greatest 14 songs.
I know that no one else would have ever heard of them.
I also want to know why you actually hate people so much.
Anyone who's worked in a bar (yes, I did) will appreciate the total mind-numbing shittiness of The Macarena. Not to mention having to watch all the zombified sheep doing the dance while it plays. Worst. Bar. Song. Ever.
I have played the Beatles in the bar over the years but their less anthemy type songs like "Drive My Car" and only played them when most of us were already way hammered!
Wow, it's so wonderfull that so many people realize what a loser the author is. I especially enjoy the comment from Cracked.com, considering that ripping off other websites is basically all this one is capable of. It's fairly obvious that this person has lived a whole 19 years on this earth and has no clue about music in the first place. Keep listening to the fucking Black Eyed Peas you stupid asshole.
I don't frequent bars ALL that often, maybe once a month or so, but I must say you have created an almost perfect list. Of course, as most of the people here, I, personally, might swap out one for another, etc., but your selection and especially your explanations were spot on, brilliant, and very funny! Hats off to you mate!
This list is awesome. I don't know how many times I've been out with one of my nerd attorney friends who plays crap like this on the juke box, against my advisement, and then he thinks he is "pumping up the place" when other tools start singing along to his vile selections. You have good ears, sir.
I agree with the Beatles with the possible exception of Helter Skelter.
Each and every jukebox should be burned to the ground and dumped in the same toxic land fill where karaoke machines belong.
A MP3 player behind the bar where you have to bribe the bartender to play a song on a sliding scale of how old nasty and repetitious your song is.
The music would still be mostly shit but few people would play The Devil Went Down to Georgia if it cost ten bucks a pop.
As a bartender myself I thought I would add a few songs to the list:
1.I love this bar
2.Anything by Creedence
3.Anything by Creed
4.Most anything by Guns-n-Roses
5.Most anything by Sublime
6.Last Dance with Mary Jane-Tom Petty
7.R.Kelly,Usher,Beyonce any of that fake R&B shit is pretty much a mood killer in a bar full of dudes.
8.You Never even called me by my name-david allen Coe
9.Achy Breaky heart-Billy Ray Cyrus
10.Anything by Dave Matthews
11.Anything by OAR-Their songs never seem to end
12.Stairway to Heaven
13.
I cannot agree with most of these songs being declared as "shitty" - but they are for the most part seriously played out in certain bars. Then again, any song that I hear more than once in a 4-hour period on the radio is overplayed, no matter how much I may or may not like it. That's the reason I choose not to go to certain bars - I know what is likely to be played, and avoid it. If I choose to go there, I know what's going to be played, and I ignore it for the most part.
There are two songs mentioned that will make me want to shriek in agony though - Achy Breaky Heart & the Macarena. Actually, I don't...I just come up with alternative lyrics & laugh a lot...and that goes for a lot of other songs too, clapped out or not.
Brutha, I'm a 33 year-old "Gen X'r" whose first album was Thriller. I grew up playing music in bars- having to sing these generic, mashed-potato songs, my whole life for the Jordache-jeans-wearing, sprayed-up-shark-fin-bang-teasin', double-rolled-pant-leg brainless twits who shook their aging asses in the faces of every Tom, Dick, Harry, and ...me, in the place. I think you are DEAD-ON with your list.
I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for pointing out what has become so obvious to me: Truly artistic and interesting music has been eliminated from the American consciences and I doubt if it will ever rebound to the history-building industry it once was. -makes me want to go back to school for accounting (even though I can barely add 2 and 2) and become one of those musically retarded (and I mean that in the most diagnostic of ways), Khaki-with-the-cell-phone-attached-to-the-belt-wearing, 401K-building, buzz-cut-loving-9-to-5-ers who actually take home a pay check every two weeks. I give the "business" two more years then I'm joining the ranks, man!
Give the poor guy a break. He is merely stating his opinion.
You can disagree with him, but don't ad hominem attacks because you are not man or woman enough to accept the fact that not everyone looks at the world the same way as you do.
Creepy Jackalope Eye, you deserve the Nobel Prize for writing such an eloquent comment.
Finally, "Pour Some Sugar On Me", "Shook Me All Night Long" (I still love AC/DC), and "I Will Survive" are way overplayed.
The worst part of the Meatloaf song, is there is always an obnoxious couple singing the parts back and forth. If they had any idea how stupid they look!
Actually that might not be the worst part. The worst part is the god awful song it self...
As my high school math teacher used to say, "You have a firm grasp of the obvious, my dear." Dig a little deeper bud, or start hanging out at different bars.
I thought the list was great and spot on... I would add anything by Bob Segar especially old time Rock n Roll sung by fat women that have kids in high school that probably grew up in the rust belt.
Yeah, these get tiring. But - when they first came out some of them were out there and innovative. Like watching a Dirty Harry movie - the lines seem so fake and repeated. Until you realize - this was the original - the one all the other more current pale copies were based on. Where would we all be without the Beatles? Pleasantville with no color.
I just read this and thought it was hilarious. But whats even funnier is the ridiculous responses you idiots have. The people that can read this list and think its funny have a sense of humor.
You morons that are getting mad and writing nasty things about the author are just plain losers. Its funny! Dont take it so serious. Get a life
Look, I think your lists are hilarious and the commentaries are fantastic.
I, uh, happen to love some of the songs on the list, but I don't fit the stereotype of one who would play it...
Like Don't Stop Believin would be played by a 30 something year old with a short sleeve shirt and neck tie, with the top shirt unbuttoned, wishin there would be another season of the Sopranos to watch. He will get angry when the song continues, but walk out of the bar with the closing credits of the Sopranos running through the back of his mind, focused on whether Tony got whacked or not. Soon his focus will shift to his wife and kids, all of whom expected him home half an hour ago.
(326 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
June 19th, 2008 at 09:15 am
These songs deserve to be played if for no other reason than to annoy the twenty-something writer in the bar who thinks he's smarter than everybody else.
June 19th, 2008 at 11:31 am
You seem to have a thing against women going out to bars, drinking, dancing, having fun without involving men. What is this "wanna be cougar" crap? Just because women over 30 like to enjoy a night out with friends does NOT mean that she is after a self absorbed, pompous, pseudo intellectual adolescent like yourself. Image isn't everything, in fact image isn't ANYTHING. Substance,! Give us some substance!
June 19th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
The worst thing any bar needs is an ass who constantly wines and complains about what everyone is playing on the jukebox. It makes you the bar dork.
June 19th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
This list is only about 60% right - which means it fails! I'll give you Sheryll Crow and Mr. Brightside, but c'mon, Hotel California, Sweet Home Alabama, and Journey are all fine bar songs. I don't like most Kid Rock songs either, but Bawidaba is ok, I think, for a bar scene.
June 19th, 2008 at 01:11 pm
As long as ya don't black list Queen - Fat Bottomed Girls. I'll survive.
June 19th, 2008 at 01:14 pm
Um.... you left Dave Matthews WIDE open, bro. WIDE open.
June 19th, 2008 at 04:50 pm
<
Seasons in the Sun.
June 19th, 2008 at 05:28 pm
Not a bad list, but you forgot atll the damn country crap ("Friends in Low Places," "I Love This Bar," anything by the Dixie-motherfucking-Chicks, etc.) I 'd rather hear everything on the list in played on a continuous loop than any of that pseudo-hilbilly crapus!
BTW, When I think of "Paradise by the Dashboard Light," I think more of thick chicks; not fat, but more softball-player built. The ones with shortish hair who drink beer. tThey aren't actually lesbians, but they are pushing it. They go to bars in small- to- medium groups, and when they laly this song they sing along while making eye contact with one another, as if to say "we both know this song! Hear me roar!" Except for the baseball-announcer part: then, one thick chick will be the announcer, pattering into the top of a beer-bottle, while the most femme thick chik makes the moany noises.
June 19th, 2008 at 05:53 pm
I had to look this one up:
http://fupahunter.blogspot.com/
Oh, and genius, by the way.
June 19th, 2008 at 06:02 pm
I used to be under 30 and a pretentious asshole who was never going to age, too. Your day is comin, Sonny Jim.
June 19th, 2008 at 07:45 pm
Dont forget that idiotic salute to drinking: Chumbawamba's Tubthumping.
June 19th, 2008 at 07:46 pm
Oh, and regarding "I will survive" - you forgot the gaggle of snotty gay guys in their mid-thirties who all work at Disney and think they're too cool for the world (see Patton Oswalt's joke about wanting to be gay and sitting around making catty comments during "Six Feet Under"). They're not overt types - just the more conservative kind who love to look down their non-breeding noses at...everyone...for not having impeccable fashion & decorating sense and being as well-groomed as they. When this song comes on they squeal with delight and high-five each other, then drop their 9-to-5 office demeanor to start talking like bitchy black women and get in touch wif dey inner drag-queen, garlfrennnn!
June 19th, 2008 at 07:47 pm
I have to say, this is a great list. I agree with all those picks. And the one reason they need to stop being played is that they are so overplayed! I agree as well with whoever said "the summer of '69" needs to be on this list. make it 15. Oh, and add "all country songs" too. Nothing is worse than when the the wannabe cowboy or creature-feature and her inbred friends from tennessee mount a hostile jukebox take-over!
June 19th, 2008 at 07:56 pm
haha, look at all the old people, offended that some of their favs made this list. Either realize that you shouldn't get offended over something so silly, or... rather than just assuming you are right and criticizing the author, you should think that the possibility exists that she/he's right. the young crowd, (aka the majority of the people at normal bars) doesn't want to hear your generation's reminiscing songs, nor your stories of the good ol' days. go to work, get married, have kids and be miserable like you're supposed to, and stay off our jukeboxes damn it!
June 19th, 2008 at 08:04 pm
Oh and regarding Journey - sorry, I just have to address this 'un - Katie College Student? I'm sure you're a sweet girl. Maybe even a good student. I'm sure your parents - more specifically, your daddy - is spending hundreds of thousands of his hard-earned cashish to put through school so you can drink cheap beer, get shit-faced, throwing up your shoes-drunk and flash your beautiful, perky, little boobies to a thirty-year-old guy with a video camera - then end up working in a cubicle forest until you get divorced, sing "I will survive" and then die. But Journey has made a rather lucractive career being thirty-year-old guys who wrote sappy, cheesy, infantile, remedial, trite, predictable, boring and safe drivel - just for High School and College girls like you, who are - sappy, cheesy, infantile, remedial, trite, predictable, boring and safe (see "Abba" description). This - and the fact they spawned succubi like Bon Jovi, Matchbox Twenty, Maroon 5, Dishwalla, Creed and other pablum-spewing bohunks - makes them the most awful band in the history of rock. This is not my opinion, it is a natural fact. And remember - you, who actually like that garbage - just because you like it - say it with me - doesn't mean it's good, that's right.
OK, I'm done.
June 19th, 2008 at 08:36 pm
As a working musician ya gotta know at one time or another ya gotta swallow your pride and play one or 2 of those songs. Cuz the peeps wanna hear 'em and they pay ya.
BUT
Eventually you get past 40 and you don't give a rat's ass what anyone thinks and you do what you want.
And if you're good, they pay ya any way.
Ain't life grand?!!
June 19th, 2008 at 09:42 pm
i think you just spend too much time in bars that you think these songs are too overplayed but maybe you need to find something better to do with your life.
that was kind of hypocritical, but still, it needed to be said.
June 20th, 2008 at 04:16 am
save a horse ride a cowboy. i dont know who its by.. but that has got to be the worst song ever written.
June 20th, 2008 at 04:18 am
It's just a fuuny take on bar songs folks. No need to get upset if you see your favorite artists pilloried. Frankly, I didn't like to see the Beatles on this list. But it's all just harmless fun. Next time you go to a bar think of this article have a laugh and watch people around you listening to the songs and make your own list.
June 20th, 2008 at 04:39 am
Wow, I can't believe I actually read the entirety of this post.
Someone needs to look up "i-r-o-n-y" in the d-i-c-t-i-o-n-a-r-y.
June 20th, 2008 at 06:36 am
The holy trinity of crappy music is: [in any order]
1. hotel California - eagles
2. freebird - skynard
3. one - metallica
If these three songs are played at any one place, during one sitting, you can never go back there again for the rest of you life.
June 20th, 2008 at 06:51 am
I haven't read all the responses but I'm surprised 'Old Time Rock n Roll' didn't make the list. I like Bob Seger just as much as the next guy but when I was a dj way back when, every night without fail, some drunkn fool would stagger up and scream 'Play some Old Time Rock N Roll man... and I would politely explain that it was the single song I would not and could not play, ever.
June 20th, 2008 at 10:09 am
If your this concerned with the music selection at the bar your at, I don't want what your having, I need something with a little more alcohol. Heck, less me guess you have something fruity, go check if the bartender is even adding any at all.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:28 am
Rick Astley - Never Gonna Give You Up
June 20th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
I would like to see his list of the greatest 14 songs.
I know that no one else would have ever heard of them.
I also want to know why you actually hate people so much.
June 20th, 2008 at 02:09 pm
Anyone who's worked in a bar (yes, I did) will appreciate the total mind-numbing shittiness of The Macarena. Not to mention having to watch all the zombified sheep doing the dance while it plays. Worst. Bar. Song. Ever.
June 20th, 2008 at 04:21 pm
I have played the Beatles in the bar over the years but their less anthemy type songs like "Drive My Car" and only played them when most of us were already way hammered!
And I'm only 29.
June 20th, 2008 at 04:45 pm
Wow, it's so wonderfull that so many people realize what a loser the author is. I especially enjoy the comment from Cracked.com, considering that ripping off other websites is basically all this one is capable of. It's fairly obvious that this person has lived a whole 19 years on this earth and has no clue about music in the first place. Keep listening to the fucking Black Eyed Peas you stupid asshole.
June 20th, 2008 at 06:26 pm
I don't frequent bars ALL that often, maybe once a month or so, but I must say you have created an almost perfect list. Of course, as most of the people here, I, personally, might swap out one for another, etc., but your selection and especially your explanations were spot on, brilliant, and very funny! Hats off to you mate!
June 20th, 2008 at 09:05 pm
No "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond??? Maybe it is a NYC thing?
"I like to move it move it" & "OPP" was pretty ubiquitous 10-15 years ago.
June 20th, 2008 at 10:38 pm
15. JACKYL - SHE LOVES MY COCK
June 21st, 2008 at 02:53 pm
Knocking songs because older people life them? Shit, that's easy! Did you often get "could do better" on your report card?
June 21st, 2008 at 03:44 pm
This list is awesome. I don't know how many times I've been out with one of my nerd attorney friends who plays crap like this on the juke box, against my advisement, and then he thinks he is "pumping up the place" when other tools start singing along to his vile selections. You have good ears, sir.
I agree with the Beatles with the possible exception of Helter Skelter.
June 21st, 2008 at 04:42 pm
Each and every jukebox should be burned to the ground and dumped in the same toxic land fill where karaoke machines belong.
A MP3 player behind the bar where you have to bribe the bartender to play a song on a sliding scale of how old nasty and repetitious your song is.
The music would still be mostly shit but few people would play The Devil Went Down to Georgia if it cost ten bucks a pop.
June 21st, 2008 at 11:26 pm
Hey! Anything that gives me a mental picture of Don & Glenn stabbing themselves with icepicks is worth posting.
Jon
June 21st, 2008 at 11:55 pm
As a bartender myself I thought I would add a few songs to the list:
1.I love this bar
2.Anything by Creedence
3.Anything by Creed
4.Most anything by Guns-n-Roses
5.Most anything by Sublime
6.Last Dance with Mary Jane-Tom Petty
7.R.Kelly,Usher,Beyonce any of that fake R&B shit is pretty much a mood killer in a bar full of dudes.
8.You Never even called me by my name-david allen Coe
9.Achy Breaky heart-Billy Ray Cyrus
10.Anything by Dave Matthews
11.Anything by OAR-Their songs never seem to end
12.Stairway to Heaven
13.
I could pretty much do this all day long
June 22nd, 2008 at 02:08 am
I cannot agree with most of these songs being declared as "shitty" - but they are for the most part seriously played out in certain bars. Then again, any song that I hear more than once in a 4-hour period on the radio is overplayed, no matter how much I may or may not like it. That's the reason I choose not to go to certain bars - I know what is likely to be played, and avoid it. If I choose to go there, I know what's going to be played, and I ignore it for the most part.
There are two songs mentioned that will make me want to shriek in agony though - Achy Breaky Heart & the Macarena. Actually, I don't...I just come up with alternative lyrics & laugh a lot...and that goes for a lot of other songs too, clapped out or not.
June 22nd, 2008 at 02:47 am
Well I'm glad to see that MMMBop is not on the list! LOL! He probably likes that song!
June 22nd, 2008 at 04:53 pm
I'm going to have to go with th list.... The songs suck. I like "theSmiths" but wouldn't play them in the bar. They suck........
June 22nd, 2008 at 06:55 pm
Brutha, I'm a 33 year-old "Gen X'r" whose first album was Thriller. I grew up playing music in bars- having to sing these generic, mashed-potato songs, my whole life for the Jordache-jeans-wearing, sprayed-up-shark-fin-bang-teasin', double-rolled-pant-leg brainless twits who shook their aging asses in the faces of every Tom, Dick, Harry, and ...me, in the place. I think you are DEAD-ON with your list.
I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for pointing out what has become so obvious to me: Truly artistic and interesting music has been eliminated from the American consciences and I doubt if it will ever rebound to the history-building industry it once was. -makes me want to go back to school for accounting (even though I can barely add 2 and 2) and become one of those musically retarded (and I mean that in the most diagnostic of ways), Khaki-with-the-cell-phone-attached-to-the-belt-wearing, 401K-building, buzz-cut-loving-9-to-5-ers who actually take home a pay check every two weeks. I give the "business" two more years then I'm joining the ranks, man!
June 22nd, 2008 at 06:57 pm
Give the poor guy a break. He is merely stating his opinion.
You can disagree with him, but don't ad hominem attacks because you are not man or woman enough to accept the fact that not everyone looks at the world the same way as you do.
Creepy Jackalope Eye, you deserve the Nobel Prize for writing such an eloquent comment.
Finally, "Pour Some Sugar On Me", "Shook Me All Night Long" (I still love AC/DC), and "I Will Survive" are way overplayed.
June 22nd, 2008 at 07:25 pm
Any rap, hip hop and that shit they claim as R&B (hint: it stands for Rhythm and Blues not plastic music shit).
And dissing Santana?! The Beatles?!! How about you put up your 14 songs that should be played.
June 22nd, 2008 at 10:06 pm
The worst part of the Meatloaf song, is there is always an obnoxious couple singing the parts back and forth. If they had any idea how stupid they look!
Actually that might not be the worst part. The worst part is the god awful song it self...
June 22nd, 2008 at 10:56 pm
As my high school math teacher used to say, "You have a firm grasp of the obvious, my dear." Dig a little deeper bud, or start hanging out at different bars.
June 23rd, 2008 at 10:41 am
i swear to god, next bar i'm at with an internet jukebox, i'll spend 20 bucks to play every single one of these. thanks.
June 23rd, 2008 at 04:23 pm
I thought the list was great and spot on... I would add anything by Bob Segar especially old time Rock n Roll sung by fat women that have kids in high school that probably grew up in the rust belt.
June 23rd, 2008 at 05:30 pm
Yeah, these get tiring. But - when they first came out some of them were out there and innovative. Like watching a Dirty Harry movie - the lines seem so fake and repeated. Until you realize - this was the original - the one all the other more current pale copies were based on. Where would we all be without the Beatles? Pleasantville with no color.
June 24th, 2008 at 03:59 am
I just read this and thought it was hilarious. But whats even funnier is the ridiculous responses you idiots have. The people that can read this list and think its funny have a sense of humor.
You morons that are getting mad and writing nasty things about the author are just plain losers. Its funny! Dont take it so serious. Get a life
June 24th, 2008 at 03:41 pm
Look, I think your lists are hilarious and the commentaries are fantastic.
I, uh, happen to love some of the songs on the list, but I don't fit the stereotype of one who would play it...
Like Don't Stop Believin would be played by a 30 something year old with a short sleeve shirt and neck tie, with the top shirt unbuttoned, wishin there would be another season of the Sopranos to watch. He will get angry when the song continues, but walk out of the bar with the closing credits of the Sopranos running through the back of his mind, focused on whether Tony got whacked or not. Soon his focus will shift to his wife and kids, all of whom expected him home half an hour ago.
June 25th, 2008 at 02:22 am
Heh. Great list. A couple Kid Rock and REM tunes are still worthy; those two, not so much.
We changed the lyrics to 'Hotel Fornicatia' when it first came out. Now, hearing it always brings a smile.
Stairway to Freebird? Jeeez, if I ever hear either of those two again it's too soon.
I leave the room if Meatloaf starts spinning.
Sorry. Beatles suck. Lennon, where's your feather? Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds was the best they ever did.
You mentioned the Sopranos, KTR. Alabama3, 'Chosen One' mix. But off of that soundtrack I preferred RL Burnside, "It's Bad You Know". Edgy.
http://tinyurl.com/6eszz8
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