Losers Go Blind At Crappy Russian Rave
Normally I feel bad when I hear that someone has been struck by a terrible affliction like blindness or leukemia or cottage cheese thighs. But not this time. According to Reuters:
MOSCOW - Dozens of partygoers at an outdoor rave near Moscow last week have lost partial vision after a laser light show burned their retinas, Russian health officials said on Monday.
“They all have retinal burns, scarring is visible on them. Loss of vision in individual cases is as high as 80 percent, and regaining it is already impossible,” Kommersant quoted a treating ophthalmologist as saying.
“After three days I decided to go to the hospital. They examined me, asked if I had been at Open Air, and then put me straight in the hospital. I didn’t even get to go home and get my stuff,” he said.
Oh no! He couldn’t even go home to get his stuff? How was he going to make it in the hospital without his precious ecstasy or his precious glow sticks or his oversized pants or his stupid pacifier or his neon headband?
Losing your eyesight at a rave is about as lame as losing your hearing at a Jefferson Starship concert. Or losing your genitals at an Estelle Getty seminar.
How do you explain to your grandchildren why you went blind? I imagine there will be a lot of conversations like this:
Child: Hey grandpa, why did you go blind?
Old Raver: Well, I like really crappy music.
Child: Why do you like crappy music?
Old Raver: Well, I like music that’s sooo crappy, that your grandpa had to take a special pill to just be able to listen to it for an extended period of time. That pill is called ecstasy.
Child: Ecsta….what?
Old Raver: It’s called ecstasy. And I used to go to these things called “raves.” They were so lame and boring that everyone needed tons and tons of drugs and special lights just so we could stand the crappy awful music we liked so much.
Child: Are you a moron grandpa?
Old Raver: Yes, son. Yes I am. Now go find me some of your grandma’s pain pills before grandpa goes into withdrawal and stabs you in the eye.
(curtain)
Tags: blind, rave, raves, Russia
July 15th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Estelle Getty has seminars? How did this escape me?
July 15th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
withdrawl from ecstasy?
you don’t know what you’re talking about, do you?
funny article anyway.
July 15th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
Gayest article ever.
July 15th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
ecstacy is amazing..how old is the person who wrote this 87?
July 15th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
“Losing your eyesight at a rave is about as lame as losing your hearing at a Jefferson Starship concert. Or losing your genitals at an Estelle Getty seminar. ”
Or as lame as a “writer” who writes for this gay ass website.
July 15th, 2008 at 9:35 pm
the stupid pacifiers are to clamp on so that your teeth dont chatter
esctasy does rule major face, piss for this dipshit writer
July 15th, 2008 at 9:36 pm
..or as unfunny as the lame ass rave jokes.
July 16th, 2008 at 12:53 am
Oh please every X head here needs to stfu, the article was funny. Your computer screen is not a rave, I repeat…. uyah ahroucoi claeen ;a nit h erhi. Didn’t catch that? Too busy having your face ruled?
July 16th, 2008 at 3:39 am
id love to slap each one of you across the teeth
July 16th, 2008 at 8:36 am
Funny, but if you have never tried e, you should. They’re great even at home in front of the tv, but at a Russian rave, I bet they are even better.
July 17th, 2008 at 10:10 am
Uhm Hi I’m a normal man and drink beer. This article should go on Wikipedia it’s so true.
“Frik’n lazer beams” sorry I had to.
July 21st, 2008 at 11:49 am
That’s hilarious. E is great (you don’t go into withdrawal from it btw). Funny article nonetheless.
July 21st, 2008 at 4:09 pm
So some poor Russians wanted to have a fun nite and party a little. This does not mean they deserve to go blind. Whoever wrote this article is a miserable, mean, dick who has obviously NEVER been invited to a party and is clearly bitter about it.
July 21st, 2008 at 6:50 pm
Why does the grandpa call his grandson “son” in the story, is there some sort of sick twist, or are you generationally confused?