So the Emmy nominations came out today and I realized I watch maybe two of these shows on a bi-annual basis when I am high and the batteries in the remote go dead. However, I love when nominations come out because you get to hear all the “I’m so shocked to have been nominated for the 12th year in a row!” or “It’s just an honor to receive all the free gifts and clothing and sex and drink apple martinis for free at the after parties!”

I also like to play a little game every year where I give out my own awards to a fake audience in my living room based on those nominated. It’s a very strenuous process that involves me looking at the list of nominees, doing six shots of Everclear, and then dishing out awards in categories I have created. We might do more official awards as the Emmys approach, but that Everclear is starting to set in now.

My awards are after the jump and if you want the complete list of real nominees, punch yourself in the balls and click here.

Outstanding Comedy Series Starring a Drug Addict Who Thinks Denise Richards is a Whore:
“Two and a Half Men”

Outstanding Drama Series with a Really, Really, Really Fat Guy:
“Lost”

Outstanding Made for Television Movie:
???

Outstanding Miniseries About a Guy I Didn’t Even Know Was President:
“John Adams”

Outstanding Lead Actor Who I Thought I Saw in Target, But Turned Out To Be Another Guy in a Wife-Beater Verbally Abusing His Daughter:
Alec Baldwin (”30 Rock”)

Outstanding Lead Actor I Swore Was Gay, But Allegedly Enjoys Vagina:
3-Way Tie: Michael C. Hall (”Dexter”), Hugh Laurie (”House”), James Spader (”Boston Legal”)

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Miniseries or Movie No One Has Ever Heard of:
Ralph Fiennes for Bernard and Doris

Outstanding Lead Actress with a Scar on Her Face That I Wish Were Looks Like a Second Vagina:
Tina Fey (”30 Rock”)

Outstanding Lead Actress Who Still Tapes Her A-Cups Together:
Tie: Glenn Close for (”Damages”), Sally Field (”Brothers & Sisters”)

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Miniseries or Movie That is Old, Fat, and Gross, But I Think I Actually Want to Bang:
Judi Dench (”Cranford”)

Outstanding Gay Actor Who Acted in Something on TV, I Think:
Neil Patrick Harris (”How I Met Your Mother”)

Outstanding Frankenstein Look-Alike:
Ted Danson (”Damages”)

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Miniseries or Movie That Was Not in “John Adams” or Recount:
Lee Majors (”The Six-Million-Dollar Man”)

Outstanding Supporting Actress That I Delivered a Package to Her House in 2001 as Part of My Courier Job and She Was A Bitch to Me After I Asked if I Could Take a Dump in Her Bathroom:
Vanessa Williams (”Ugly Betty”)

Outstanding Alien-Face:
Sandra Oh (”Grey’s Anatomy”)

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Miniseries or Movie:
Laura Dern (Recount) — Seriously, she was quite captivating.

Outstanding Reality Program:
Any celeb sex tape

Outstanding Reality Competition Program:
Any celeb sex tape

Outstanding Host For A Reality Program That I’d Like to Back Over With My Car:
Tom Bergeron (”Dancing with the Stars”)
Howie Mandel (”Deal or No Deal”)
Jeff Probst for (”Survivor”)
Ryan Seacrest (”American Idol: The Search for a Superstar”)

Outstanding Dead Comedian:
Tie: George Carlin (”It’s Bad for Ya!”), Don Rickles (”Mr. Warmth: The Don Rickles Project”) — Rickles will be dead soon, right?

Tags: awards, Emmys

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