Throwing a party is a lot of work, so it's a real disappointment when somebody you invited ruins it. Here's 8 types of people to watch out for before you make your next invite list.
8. Person Who Insists On Cleaning Up Your Party While It's Still Going On
WHERE YOU CAN FIND THEM: Right in front of you, asking if your drink is finished. Or, methodically moving through the party with a white trash bag and a look on their face as if they’ve been hunting Osama Bin laden for the last 6 years and have narrowed down his whereabouts to somewhere in this party.
WHY THEY WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY: Drinking a beer, much like sex, is far less enjoyable when someone is asking you if you’re finished every five minutes. It’s great that they want to help you clean up, but if you’ve decided to have a party, you’ve already resigned yourself to the fact that when it’s over, your house is going to probably look like the bathroom that Cary Elwes and Danny Glover woke up in, in the first Saw movie. I wonder if these people also decide to wipe their ass in the middle of taking a shit, just to "cut down on the work that has to be done when it's all over!"
7. GUY WHO GETS WASTED IN THE FIRST HOUR
WHERE YOU WILL FIND HIM: Right by the fridge, bro, cause that’s where all the beer is!
HOW HE WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY: From the moment this guy shows up, everything he says has an exclamation point at the end of it. “This party rules, dude!” “I am ready to party TO-night!” “Let’s shotgun these, bro!” “Tits!” Then, one hour and 13 beers later this guy is incoherent, weaving on his feet and saying stuff like “Paartyyyygjlskdvm...” So, instead of kicking back and hanging out with your friends, you have to spend the rest of the night making sure he doesn’t puke on your couch, piss in your plants or crap on your coffee table.
6. Person Who Only Knows You
WHERE YOU CAN FIND THEM: About two feet to the right of you, standing silently, staring at either you or the person you’re talking to.
WHY THEY WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY: You invited them because during the four and a half minutes a day you talk to them at work, they seem pretty cool and/or really enjoy the impression you do of a fellow coworker. Except as soon as they get to your party, they tense up like Alex Rodriguez’s asshole during a game in October. You have two options at this point, 1) entertain them and include them in every conversation you have the entire night, like they’re your wife or husband even though you probably don’t know their last name, or 2) leave them on their own which leads to them standing in a corner by themselves, staring at you, causing your friends to ask you “I think that dude in the corner is planning on raping you.”
5. GIRL WHO STARTS CRYING
WHERE YOU WILL FIND HER: She’s usually holed up in the bathroom (taking up valuable toilet space) with three of her bestest girlfriends—all three of whom are overweight.
HOW SHE WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY: The worst part is that this girl isn’t crying because her parents just died or she lost a limb. She’s sobbing into a fistful of tissues because she always needs to be the center of attention. If everyone’s not focused on her and all her problems, she just starts crying louder about her job or some lame guy who won’t date her or how fat her friends are. This means you either sit there and let her bring down the vibe of your party or you take her outside and listen to her whine about absolutely nothing. If possible, pair her up with the super wasted guy. She’ll think he’s listening and he’ll think he’s going to score.
4. Person Who Just Got Dumped By Their Girlfriend/Boyfriend
WHERE YOU CAN FIND THEM: In any corner where they were able to trap and force someone to listen to them talk about how they “don’t know what happened,” and how it “seemed like things were fine and then all of a sudden she just said that she thought that we were different people now. What does that even mean? Do you know, because I sure as fuck don’t! I just miss her so much. My name's Brian by the way.”
WHY THEY WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY: If I wanted people to get depressed as fuck at my party, I’d screen a copy of Schlindler’s list. The problem with these people is, they don’t care who they talk to, and no excuse you give will stop them from talking to you. “Hey, I gotta run to the bathroom,” “No worries, I’ll just wait for you until your done, unlike my EX girlfriend, who wouldn’t wait no matter HOW important it was to go to the bathroom and would just leave you with NOTHING while you were in there.”
3. Creepy Dude Who Tries To Bang Chicks At The Very End Of The Party
WHERE YOU CAN FIND THEM: Towards the end of the party, he’ll be wherever he hears the words “I can’t believe my friends left without me, they were my ride!” or “I’m so (hiccup) fucked up (hiccup) I gotta lay down or something.”
WHY THEY WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY: There’s a reason why this dude waits till the end of the party to try and score; he’s way too fucking creepy to do so when someone isn’t in some sort of desperate situation. Thus, although he’s there because he’s either family, a neighbor, or someone else invited him, you now have to hope to God he doesn’t take advantage of someone at your party, otherwise your party will not be remembered as “That Fourth of July Party at Bill’s house,” and instead be remembered as “that party at Bill’s house where that creepy guy tried to fingerbang Michele while she was puking.”
2. Couple Who Brings Their Baby
COUPLE WHO BRING THEIR BABY: Off to the side, on their knees, pleading with a 6 month old child to stop screaming or right next to you, asking you where he can dispose of a shit filled diaper.
WHY THEY WILL RUIN THEIR PARTY: Nothing says party like the sound of a screaming child and the stench of talcum powder and baby diarrhea! If there was a dude puking, shitting and crying at your party, would you be cool with that? No, you’d either be like “Who the fuck brought this guy?” But if you say that about a baby suddenly that makes you an asshole. Meanwhile, the party sucks becase everyone is being super cautious and attentive to the baby, as if the other 99% of the time that they’re not there the baby is barely eluding death due to unsupervision.
1. THE POLITICS GUY
WHERE YOU WILL FIND HIM: At the beginning of the night he usually stands right next to the front door where he overtly shows off his political button or T-shirt that says something like “Once You Go Barack, You Won’t Go Back” or “McCain = McStupid.” Then, after everyone shows up, he stealthily mingles from group to group while nonchalantly dropping lines like “Did you see what those fatcats tried to pull?” anytime there’s a lull in the conversation.
HOW HE WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY: No one in the history of parties has ever changed their political beliefs based on some asshole screaming about health care reform in the kitchen of a two bedroom apartment. His endlessly tiresome factoids and statistics about how much oil we consume and how the death penalty doesn’t work will make your guests either leave or kill themselves where they stand.
What about the guy who is way to aggressive while trying to get chicks and then winds up beating someone up? Those guys are usually at the parties where the ratio is not in you favor.
What about the guy who breaks something that is nearly impossible to fix? He'll come up to you and be like "hey dude I think we broke the door off your fridge" or "we were playing football with your grandma's gravy bowl and well... here it is *holds up a bag of shattered ceramic*"
One person you don't want to see is the chick who brings her ugly/bitchy/boring/opinionated single girlfriend she's constantly trying to pawn off on some unsuspecting guy.
The gangster looking guy who randomly shows up to a party that is really not that scene. Usually this guy is a few years younger than everyone else. Half the people start covering their watches with their sleeves and tucking their necklaces in to their shirts when this guy wanders in. The other half are trying to remember how much coke is again and if they went to the atm machine before they came.
The musician who insists on picking up the guitar or sitting down at the piano after they've had a few drinks and playing something really "deep". Save it for your bedroom, Jim Croce.
Where he's found. Hovering by your cd player all night. Bitches to anyone in earshot about how bad your collection is. Loudly mentions band recently featured on Pitchfork, as though anyone gives a shit about Pitchfork. Comandeers the CD player and does the best he can with your crap collection. Bums cigarettes all night then complains that no one smokes American Spirits. Drones on and on about this kick ass band he saw jam at some shit hole and how that's real music. Has serious case of short term memory as everyone at the party remembers when he was into Limp Bizkit.
What about the guy that is always the drinker, never the buyer? The dude or chick that is always drinking at everyone else's party, but never buys or finds some excuse not to chip in for booze? See #7 and #5 for the types I notice this a lot with.
The drug problem guy. Nothing changes the vibe faster than the guy who everyone knows is going to do wayyy too much of whatever everyone else is doing. By the end of the night you can be sure someone will be giving this guy a cold bath and everyone will realize drugs aren't fun after all. Only you've been doing them all night and you now have a good few hours before you can even think about sleeping to dwell on how sad your existence is.
Also agree their should be a token "angry guy." This guy shows up only to find his ex-girlfriend there with some other dude. A few beers deep, he decides to pull her aside and yell at her about the other guy. This then escelates into him throwing a heavy object through a window and the host of the party ushering everyone out of the house so angry guy doesn't stab you in the neck for making eye contact with him.
where: either all over your every step, staring at you from across the room, or talking to every person of the opposite sex that you might even be interested in hitting on.
Why: If they are good (and it ain't that tough to be good at this) they ruin any shot of you getting lucky. This of course is clear to you pretty early on so you make the horrible choice of sleeping with your ex just to get ass and right in the middle of some good old imagine-this-is-someone-else-and-get-it-done-quick sex they smile awkwardly and drop an L-bomb. Congrats, you've now not only ruined this party, but the next one too because you know they assume they're invited.
how about the annoying guy who thinks hes the shit at beer pong, then when you beat him he goes though his excuse book and pulling out shit reasons as to why he lost by 6 cups
i.e....the track lighting above threw off my eye coordination...
The "Add-On" - The random guy/gal who shows up because it's a party and they were just "passing through". They don't know anyone, bum smokes, and doesn't pay for the beer.
11. As well as waaay too old guy, there is always 'immature liitle prick tease.' She thinks she's SO hot, but really she's only after the dude who can't look after his wad. -Even if you get stuck sleeping with her she shags just like she chews gum; mechanical, predictable and boring. (they are hell to get shot of in the morning too.)
12. Spiritual freaky couple; bore you to tears with recipes for healing, crystals for chakra and other STD's and drone on and on about these 'out of body experiences' they imagine they had.
13. The worst. Wannabe Gangsta Hip Guy. "Alright. geeza? Hey, bro; whassup??? yo, homey, hows it hanging... Woh! Dude!!" etc etc... god, these are such a drag. they think they are the dogs' bollocks, but really, they are just bollocks.
You can't forget the, Dude, I'm going to do something crazy guy. You know the one who does something like jump off the roof into the pool, or check this out i'm going to jump off the balcony. Usually ends in a trip to the hospital.
i'm the guy who goes into the bathroom, takes your electric toothbrush and cleans my asshole with it. then i lift the toilet lid and give them the good 'ol high-tower. then i take all the towels from the linen closet and sit on them carefully making sure the tip of my asshole hits every spot where i might think your face will be in the morning. then i hit up the medicine cabinet to score some drugs. I take a shot of listerine and now i'm ready to grab underage unsuspecting polkadot panty wearing hoes' ass.
-bathroom anarchist
#6: person who only knows you is completely the fault of the host/hostess. Why don't you introduce him/her to some other people at the party? Problem solved.
What about that little group of 3 people who WONT STOP WITH THE INSIDE JOKES. This ruins the party. It pisses everybody off who is there because they don't understand what they're saying.
What about the fat chick that just stands in the middle of everyone dancing and just complains about how slutty everyone is being. Completely fuckin up the mood.
How about Mr "too eager with the cam phone guy". Either stays sober so he can take the "embarrassing pic of someone with marker all over their face" or follow the hottest chick all night taking so many shots it gives everyone the douche chills.
hows about the group of dudes that come in uninvited after almost everyone has left bitch about how your out of beer even tho they showedup at 4 am then go through your fridge, eat anything they dont have to cook. try to eat half the stuff they do have to cook wreck your kitchen and end up wrecking the whole kitchen and trying to clean it up with someones bathtowel or not at all.
How about when your buddy asks "Hey is it cool if my new roommate comes?" and the guy turns out to be a complete douche. Hits on every girl and is just too fucking creepy to pick one up. You then get to here from every girl he has hit on "Do you know that guy? He's fuckin weird."
And for the record, he *is* in fact a hardcore politics person (extremely liberal)"
He looks like a fuckin' pedophile.
I got one for ya, I guess it's kinda like the "not over you ex" but a little worse.
The bootycall from two weeks ago that you never called back who spots you with the girl you brought to the party and hope to rail before the night is over. This is one damn difficult landmine to avoid.
you have to include the judger, the person who just acts above people drinking and possibly having sex. You will find them standing against the wall shooting dirty looks and muttering things like, "he's a real charmer." or "Wow, can we say slut?"
(229 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
July 28th, 2008 at 07:52 pm
What about the creepy guy who's way too old to be there?
July 28th, 2008 at 08:07 pm
Naw I'm not too old I'm too awesome
July 28th, 2008 at 08:26 pm
9.
The Amway guy.
So how much do you pay for toilet paper?
July 28th, 2008 at 09:03 pm
:# Anil Dikshit Says:
July 29th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
What about the creepy guy who’s way too old to be there?
# anonymous Says:
July 29th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Naw I’m not too old I’m too awesome
BEST POST IN THE HISTORY OF HT!!!
July 28th, 2008 at 09:25 pm
What about the guy who is way to aggressive while trying to get chicks and then winds up beating someone up? Those guys are usually at the parties where the ratio is not in you favor.
July 28th, 2008 at 09:27 pm
What about the guy who breaks something that is nearly impossible to fix? He'll come up to you and be like "hey dude I think we broke the door off your fridge" or "we were playing football with your grandma's gravy bowl and well... here it is *holds up a bag of shattered ceramic*"
July 28th, 2008 at 09:35 pm
One person you don't want to see is the chick who brings her ugly/bitchy/boring/opinionated single girlfriend she's constantly trying to pawn off on some unsuspecting guy.
July 28th, 2008 at 09:37 pm
The gangster looking guy who randomly shows up to a party that is really not that scene. Usually this guy is a few years younger than everyone else. Half the people start covering their watches with their sleeves and tucking their necklaces in to their shirts when this guy wanders in. The other half are trying to remember how much coke is again and if they went to the atm machine before they came.
July 28th, 2008 at 09:38 pm
The musician who insists on picking up the guitar or sitting down at the piano after they've had a few drinks and playing something really "deep". Save it for your bedroom, Jim Croce.
July 28th, 2008 at 09:41 pm
Yeah, where's the angry guy?
July 28th, 2008 at 09:56 pm
You forgot #9 - Music snob
Where he's found. Hovering by your cd player all night. Bitches to anyone in earshot about how bad your collection is. Loudly mentions band recently featured on Pitchfork, as though anyone gives a shit about Pitchfork. Comandeers the CD player and does the best he can with your crap collection. Bums cigarettes all night then complains that no one smokes American Spirits. Drones on and on about this kick ass band he saw jam at some shit hole and how that's real music. Has serious case of short term memory as everyone at the party remembers when he was into Limp Bizkit.
July 28th, 2008 at 09:58 pm
What about the guy that is always the drinker, never the buyer? The dude or chick that is always drinking at everyone else's party, but never buys or finds some excuse not to chip in for booze? See #7 and #5 for the types I notice this a lot with.
July 28th, 2008 at 10:05 pm
You might also like to include the drank to much and am now naked person.
I see this in similar quantaties between the sexes and I see one of these people at least every other party.
July 28th, 2008 at 10:08 pm
The guy who thinks he's Dane Cook. Note: if chicks are the only one laughing at your stories, you're not funny.
July 28th, 2008 at 10:14 pm
The drug problem guy. Nothing changes the vibe faster than the guy who everyone knows is going to do wayyy too much of whatever everyone else is doing. By the end of the night you can be sure someone will be giving this guy a cold bath and everyone will realize drugs aren't fun after all. Only you've been doing them all night and you now have a good few hours before you can even think about sleeping to dwell on how sad your existence is.
July 28th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
Also agree their should be a token "angry guy." This guy shows up only to find his ex-girlfriend there with some other dude. A few beers deep, he decides to pull her aside and yell at her about the other guy. This then escelates into him throwing a heavy object through a window and the host of the party ushering everyone out of the house so angry guy doesn't stab you in the neck for making eye contact with him.
July 28th, 2008 at 10:42 pm
There is ALWAYS somebody there who is waaaay too old. ALWAYS.
July 28th, 2008 at 10:45 pm
The Not-so-over-you-yet Ex.
where: either all over your every step, staring at you from across the room, or talking to every person of the opposite sex that you might even be interested in hitting on.
Why: If they are good (and it ain't that tough to be good at this) they ruin any shot of you getting lucky. This of course is clear to you pretty early on so you make the horrible choice of sleeping with your ex just to get ass and right in the middle of some good old imagine-this-is-someone-else-and-get-it-done-quick sex they smile awkwardly and drop an L-bomb. Congrats, you've now not only ruined this party, but the next one too because you know they assume they're invited.
July 28th, 2008 at 11:07 pm
The drunk/rolling, sweaty, shirtless guy who wants to hug everyone. There's an abundance of them in SoCal, anyway!
July 28th, 2008 at 11:19 pm
how about the annoying guy who thinks hes the shit at beer pong, then when you beat him he goes though his excuse book and pulling out shit reasons as to why he lost by 6 cups
i.e....the track lighting above threw off my eye coordination...
July 28th, 2008 at 11:23 pm
The "Add-On" - The random guy/gal who shows up because it's a party and they were just "passing through". They don't know anyone, bum smokes, and doesn't pay for the beer.
July 28th, 2008 at 11:29 pm
11. As well as waaay too old guy, there is always 'immature liitle prick tease.' She thinks she's SO hot, but really she's only after the dude who can't look after his wad. -Even if you get stuck sleeping with her she shags just like she chews gum; mechanical, predictable and boring. (they are hell to get shot of in the morning too.)
12. Spiritual freaky couple; bore you to tears with recipes for healing, crystals for chakra and other STD's and drone on and on about these 'out of body experiences' they imagine they had.
13. The worst. Wannabe Gangsta Hip Guy. "Alright. geeza? Hey, bro; whassup??? yo, homey, hows it hanging... Woh! Dude!!" etc etc... god, these are such a drag. they think they are the dogs' bollocks, but really, they are just bollocks.
July 28th, 2008 at 11:45 pm
dude too old to be there is at all of my parties.
July 28th, 2008 at 11:48 pm
Wow... All of this is so accurate, even the user comments. I almost know one of each.
July 29th, 2008 at 12:04 am
You can't forget the, Dude, I'm going to do something crazy guy. You know the one who does something like jump off the roof into the pool, or check this out i'm going to jump off the balcony. Usually ends in a trip to the hospital.
July 29th, 2008 at 12:06 am
I'm usually the "too old guy" at most of these parties. And you know what?
I always end up bringing home a hot piece of ass.
ALWAYS.
You kids could pay attention and learn from the master.
July 29th, 2008 at 12:22 am
I'm the guy who steals the "too old guy's" ho girlfriend. And then breaks a lamp.
July 29th, 2008 at 12:27 am
@ Mr. Senior Citizen - You're also "Creepy Guy Who Tries To Bang Chicks At The End Of The Party," You just don't realize it.
July 29th, 2008 at 12:27 am
hands down, political guy will ruin a party fastest, before everyone's drunk enough to realise theyre too drunk to be talking about politics.
politics dude can never be wrong either, only not loud enough.
see also: dude who just read a book
July 29th, 2008 at 12:40 am
how about guy who farts loudly on everyone and brings several porno magazines to show everyone. aka: me.
July 29th, 2008 at 12:41 am
i'm the guy who goes into the bathroom, takes your electric toothbrush and cleans my asshole with it. then i lift the toilet lid and give them the good 'ol high-tower. then i take all the towels from the linen closet and sit on them carefully making sure the tip of my asshole hits every spot where i might think your face will be in the morning. then i hit up the medicine cabinet to score some drugs. I take a shot of listerine and now i'm ready to grab underage unsuspecting polkadot panty wearing hoes' ass.
-bathroom anarchist
July 29th, 2008 at 01:13 am
#6: person who only knows you is completely the fault of the host/hostess. Why don't you introduce him/her to some other people at the party? Problem solved.
July 29th, 2008 at 01:44 am
TrustMe is so totally hardcore. Let's all be impressed with how bad ass his post was.
July 29th, 2008 at 01:44 am
TrustMe is so totally hardcore. Let's all be impressed with how bad ass his post was.
July 29th, 2008 at 02:15 am
What about that little group of 3 people who WONT STOP WITH THE INSIDE JOKES. This ruins the party. It pisses everybody off who is there because they don't understand what they're saying.
July 29th, 2008 at 02:30 am
What about the fat chick that just stands in the middle of everyone dancing and just complains about how slutty everyone is being. Completely fuckin up the mood.
July 29th, 2008 at 02:33 am
How about Mr "too eager with the cam phone guy". Either stays sober so he can take the "embarrassing pic of someone with marker all over their face" or follow the hottest chick all night taking so many shots it gives everyone the douche chills.
July 29th, 2008 at 02:34 am
"You might also like to include the drank to much and am now naked person."
Dude, that does not ruin a party. Naked people can only make it better. Unless they're ugly.
July 29th, 2008 at 03:00 am
hows about the group of dudes that come in uninvited after almost everyone has left bitch about how your out of beer even tho they showedup at 4 am then go through your fridge, eat anything they dont have to cook. try to eat half the stuff they do have to cook wreck your kitchen and end up wrecking the whole kitchen and trying to clean it up with someones bathtowel or not at all.
July 29th, 2008 at 03:02 am
what about the guy who turns out to be a girl? thought i was going to get a good gay rimmy and them bam! yucky.
July 29th, 2008 at 03:05 am
My mate Nick. He covers most of these criteria. Maybe not the baby one.
July 29th, 2008 at 03:15 am
Now I remember why I stopped having parties and just started drinking alone.
July 29th, 2008 at 03:27 am
How about 1 person who ruins my internets? Lame ass list writers.
July 29th, 2008 at 03:28 am
there should be #9: a ginger, because nobody likes a ginger
July 29th, 2008 at 03:47 am
How about when your buddy asks "Hey is it cool if my new roommate comes?" and the guy turns out to be a complete douche. Hits on every girl and is just too fucking creepy to pick one up. You then get to here from every girl he has hit on "Do you know that guy? He's fuckin weird."
July 29th, 2008 at 04:04 am
OMFG!!!!! I know the politics guy. No, I mean I actually know THAT politics guy. I went to school with the person in the picture. WTF!!!!!!!!!!!
July 29th, 2008 at 04:08 am
And for the record, he *is* in fact a hardcore politics person (extremely liberal)
July 29th, 2008 at 04:15 am
what about that people that acted fucked up when they really arent and laugh really loud
July 29th, 2008 at 04:32 am
"# Outbanks Says:
July 29th, 2008 at 10:08 pm
And for the record, he *is* in fact a hardcore politics person (extremely liberal)"
He looks like a fuckin' pedophile.
I got one for ya, I guess it's kinda like the "not over you ex" but a little worse.
The bootycall from two weeks ago that you never called back who spots you with the girl you brought to the party and hope to rail before the night is over. This is one damn difficult landmine to avoid.
July 29th, 2008 at 05:02 am
you have to include the judger, the person who just acts above people drinking and possibly having sex. You will find them standing against the wall shooting dirty looks and muttering things like, "he's a real charmer." or "Wow, can we say slut?"
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