July 28th, 2008 | 07:04
Throwing a party is a lot of work, so it's a real disappointment when somebody you invited ruins it. Here's 8 types of people to watch out for before you make your next invite list.
8. Person Who Insists On Cleaning Up Your Party While It's Still Going On
WHERE YOU CAN FIND THEM: Right in front of you, asking if your drink is finished. Or, methodically moving through the party with a white trash bag and a look on their face as if they’ve been hunting Osama Bin laden for the last 6 years and have narrowed down his whereabouts to somewhere in this party.
WHY THEY WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY: Drinking a beer, much like sex, is far less enjoyable when someone is asking you if you’re finished every five minutes. It’s great that they want to help you clean up, but if you’ve decided to have a party, you’ve already resigned yourself to the fact that when it’s over, your house is going to probably look like the bathroom that Cary Elwes and Danny Glover woke up in, in the first Saw movie. I wonder if these people also decide to wipe their ass in the middle of taking a shit, just to "cut down on the work that has to be done when it's all over!"
7. GUY WHO GETS WASTED IN THE FIRST HOUR
WHERE YOU WILL FIND HIM: Right by the fridge, bro, cause that’s where all the beer is!
HOW HE WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY: From the moment this guy shows up, everything he says has an exclamation point at the end of it. “This party rules, dude!” “I am ready to party TO-night!” “Let’s shotgun these, bro!” “Tits!” Then, one hour and 13 beers later this guy is incoherent, weaving on his feet and saying stuff like “Paartyyyygjlskdvm...” So, instead of kicking back and hanging out with your friends, you have to spend the rest of the night making sure he doesn’t puke on your couch, piss in your plants or crap on your coffee table.
6. Person Who Only Knows You
WHERE YOU CAN FIND THEM: About two feet to the right of you, standing silently, staring at either you or the person you’re talking to.
WHY THEY WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY: You invited them because during the four and a half minutes a day you talk to them at work, they seem pretty cool and/or really enjoy the impression you do of a fellow coworker. Except as soon as they get to your party, they tense up like Alex Rodriguez’s asshole during a game in October. You have two options at this point, 1) entertain them and include them in every conversation you have the entire night, like they’re your wife or husband even though you probably don’t know their last name, or 2) leave them on their own which leads to them standing in a corner by themselves, staring at you, causing your friends to ask you “I think that dude in the corner is planning on raping you.”
5. GIRL WHO STARTS CRYING
WHERE YOU WILL FIND HER: She’s usually holed up in the bathroom (taking up valuable toilet space) with three of her bestest girlfriends—all three of whom are overweight.
HOW SHE WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY: The worst part is that this girl isn’t crying because her parents just died or she lost a limb. She’s sobbing into a fistful of tissues because she always needs to be the center of attention. If everyone’s not focused on her and all her problems, she just starts crying louder about her job or some lame guy who won’t date her or how fat her friends are. This means you either sit there and let her bring down the vibe of your party or you take her outside and listen to her whine about absolutely nothing. If possible, pair her up with the super wasted guy. She’ll think he’s listening and he’ll think he’s going to score.
4. Person Who Just Got Dumped By Their Girlfriend/Boyfriend
WHERE YOU CAN FIND THEM: In any corner where they were able to trap and force someone to listen to them talk about how they “don’t know what happened,” and how it “seemed like things were fine and then all of a sudden she just said that she thought that we were different people now. What does that even mean? Do you know, because I sure as fuck don’t! I just miss her so much. My name's Brian by the way.”
WHY THEY WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY: If I wanted people to get depressed as fuck at my party, I’d screen a copy of Schlindler’s list. The problem with these people is, they don’t care who they talk to, and no excuse you give will stop them from talking to you. “Hey, I gotta run to the bathroom,” “No worries, I’ll just wait for you until your done, unlike my EX girlfriend, who wouldn’t wait no matter HOW important it was to go to the bathroom and would just leave you with NOTHING while you were in there.”
3. Creepy Dude Who Tries To Bang Chicks At The Very End Of The Party
WHERE YOU CAN FIND THEM: Towards the end of the party, he’ll be wherever he hears the words “I can’t believe my friends left without me, they were my ride!” or “I’m so (hiccup) fucked up (hiccup) I gotta lay down or something.”
WHY THEY WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY: There’s a reason why this dude waits till the end of the party to try and score; he’s way too fucking creepy to do so when someone isn’t in some sort of desperate situation. Thus, although he’s there because he’s either family, a neighbor, or someone else invited him, you now have to hope to God he doesn’t take advantage of someone at your party, otherwise your party will not be remembered as “That Fourth of July Party at Bill’s house,” and instead be remembered as “that party at Bill’s house where that creepy guy tried to fingerbang Michele while she was puking.”
2. Couple Who Brings Their Baby
COUPLE WHO BRING THEIR BABY: Off to the side, on their knees, pleading with a 6 month old child to stop screaming or right next to you, asking you where he can dispose of a shit filled diaper.
WHY THEY WILL RUIN THEIR PARTY: Nothing says party like the sound of a screaming child and the stench of talcum powder and baby diarrhea! If there was a dude puking, shitting and crying at your party, would you be cool with that? No, you’d either be like “Who the fuck brought this guy?” But if you say that about a baby suddenly that makes you an asshole. Meanwhile, the party sucks becase everyone is being super cautious and attentive to the baby, as if the other 99% of the time that they’re not there the baby is barely eluding death due to unsupervision.
1. THE POLITICS GUY
WHERE YOU WILL FIND HIM: At the beginning of the night he usually stands right next to the front door where he overtly shows off his political button or T-shirt that says something like “Once You Go Barack, You Won’t Go Back” or “McCain = McStupid.” Then, after everyone shows up, he stealthily mingles from group to group while nonchalantly dropping lines like “Did you see what those fatcats tried to pull?” anytime there’s a lull in the conversation.
HOW HE WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY: No one in the history of parties has ever changed their political beliefs based on some asshole screaming about health care reform in the kitchen of a two bedroom apartment. His endlessly tiresome factoids and statistics about how much oil we consume and how the death penalty doesn’t work will make your guests either leave or kill themselves where they stand.
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October fth, 2008 at 12:27 am
You guys missed the Redneck who chews tobacco and spits it into a cup or bottle and always leaves it on a table. Someone will accidentally drink the spit and tobacco juice or spill it on your furniture!
October fth, 2008 at 01:33 pm
TERRY WAGAR IS A MEME NOW ARE YOU HAPPY
October fth, 2008 at 09:53 pm
Joan Wagar and Eric Carlson, A,K,A, Doubleclick and Mrs Dash,( yes those are there nicknames they gave each other.) admited to poisoning me while I was a plasma donor back in 2005.
Eric carlson pedofied me behind prison walls and then framed me as a pedophile on march 26th 2007, I caught the crime on a audio recorder I put in Joan's purse.
there were people in authority helping them with this and nobody in authority will help they pretend nothing happened and refuse to investigate this.
Eric carlson changed his hair color and his name but this is not hidden, only ignored by the authority's and media
Im disabled from being poisoned and the hospitals refuse to admit Im poisoned.
My Family is in danger from these people and I have no other recorse but to make these charges public.
My name is Terry Wagar,Im from portland oregon and Im backing up these charges.
September frd, 2008 at 04:08 am
... the old guys never get it....sad, and still creepy
September frd, 2008 at 04:07 am
I'm the peaceful pothead!
September frd, 2008 at 12:10 am
i am the old guy who's popular and all the chicks dig me
but yes none the less, i am the old guy! :(
September fst, 2008 at 02:04 pm
There all just HILARIOUS!! The girl who only knows you can be very annoying when you're trying to mingle and there looking absolutely miserable.
August fth, 2008 at 01:17 am
Wow,This whole thing is the party...all the anal sphinctorians are here.
August fth, 2008 at 11:57 pm
I think after reading all of these, it's fair to say everyone who goes to a party is bound to ruin it somehow.
August fth, 2008 at 05:01 pm
What about the guy who comes to the party that popped 3 ecstasy pills and needs serious help the whole fucking time.
August fth, 2008 at 03:33 pm
Very funny! I always like the person cleaning up too early. I would always have them get me more drinks. It is a great service they provide, really they are the waiters and waitresses of the party. They clean up, they bring me drinks.
August fth, 2008 at 01:59 am
Naw DUDE the drunk on a mission is the BEST! Target aquired mission launch! I love the guy who ALWAYS has to hook up with a girl by the end of the night. As girls leave the quality goes down and he gets desprite eventually hooking up with the whale beast from the flogar nebula! HAHHA and then the next morning you wake to clean and you see him alone on the couch because in the morning he realized a creature (which should have been put to death at birth) is sleeping next to him so he gets up and gets the hell out of there!
August fth, 2008 at 07:55 pm
then there's those who decide that there must be an upstairs, proceed to climb through the attic hatch inevitably falling through the ceiling.
August fth, 2008 at 04:48 pm
Too funny - I have witnessed or been many of these archtypal party people. You never wanna hear - "are those your burners hanging from the trees?" either. I don't throw parties any more.
August fth, 2008 at 03:32 am
I am that fast-drunk guy. Once I passed out, came to (still very drunk) and apparently, as per next day's account, came, sat at the dining table chair, started taking off my trouser and pants when my friends realized I was imagining the place to be the bowl.
Before creating damage, I was transported to appropriate location. I am that guy you don't want at a party.
August fth, 2008 at 11:01 pm
# SoLinkable Says:
July 29th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
There is ALWAYS somebody there who is waaaay too old. ALWAYS.
Get off my lawn!
August fth, 2008 at 07:12 pm
lol
lol
August fnd, 2008 at 04:16 am
how about the guy who is single and feels like you or any other guy at the party should choose "bros before ho's" because he can't interact with girls and tries to horde all the guys to himself like a creep.
I live with someone whose #8 last time we had a party here she went through the room and gathered every item that belonged to a member of the party and walked up to them and asked where they wanted it. Then went up to me and was like "you're going to throw all these beer cans away right?
Or the asshole who gets a rise out of taking all the "empties" and hiding them all over the house
there is always a girl crying by the end of a party. I fucking hate it
August fth, 2008 at 12:20 pm
i'm the weird guy who knows a lot of people by name and comes in very early on in the party, probably stoned. i pay the 3-5 bucks for a cup if i have the cash and maybe drink a couple refills if i'm not too stoned. i say hi to people i know, make some conversation, and leave within the hour. probably to go get more stoned.
i end up at the coffee shop on the corner by the bars chain smoking, maybe with other high kids, and probably see people who left the party to go bar-hopping. if i'm coffee'd enough to balance the stoned, i'll go in and split a pitcher with the bar-goers. if it's ladies i don't go because who wants to buy drinks for three times a reasonable price when you can split a god damn domestic pitcher and then go home and smoke a bowl? not me. plus, i'm ugly.
August fth, 2008 at 07:34 pm
'the fighting couple' they can kill a party so fast! They go outside or into a room and yell at each other and now any one that knows them starts talking about them all night!!!!! The fighting couple infects every conversation and makes people sad (especially if there married or been going out for ever).
August fth, 2008 at 03:00 am
I'm #13. The one who bangs the hostess while her boyfriend's downstairs, bringing the party to an abrupt end, finishing their relationship and ensuring it's the last party she'll throw there again.
And lol at the bitches who don't even realise they're on the list. That's all of you.
August fth, 2008 at 05:22 am
Hi webmaster!
August fth, 2008 at 01:12 am
Hi webmaster!
August fth, 2008 at 10:04 pm
Hi webmaster!
August fth, 2008 at 08:53 am
This article http://jetzt.sueddeutsche.de/texte/anzeigen/443432 is a nearly 1:1 copy of yours. Maybe you should drop them a line about copyrights...
August fth, 2008 at 06:29 pm
Hi webmaster!
August fth, 2008 at 11:16 pm
but not anymore thanks to weed.
August fth, 2008 at 04:05 pm
and I really hate E-tards!!!!!
August fth, 2008 at 04:04 pm
What about the chick that is always picking fights that her boyfriend has to finish.
August fth, 2008 at 03:39 am
Pirates you forgot Pirates
August fth, 2008 at 07:53 am
Hi webmaster!
August fth, 2008 at 01:37 pm
What about the Married Gropers? A few drinks and they can't talk to or walk by anyone(except their spouse) without copping a quick feel? They often become Inexplicably Naked people
August fth, 2008 at 12:59 am
The replys as always funnier then the post! But nothing more annoying then the ones snorting Coke! You know who you are. Always repeating yourselves. Talking about nothing , over and over and over again. You suck!
August fth, 2008 at 09:21 pm
hahahahahaha,lol i really enjoyed all ur posts.all those are facts..but in the end,that's why it called a party.
August fth, 2008 at 09:06 pm
Why do people insist on adding to a list that has a finite number? This is 8, not 80.
August fth, 2008 at 06:04 pm
What about the girl who brings the camera and wants to take pictures with EVERYBODY and EVERY stage of the party?
Where to find her: With her arm around everyone (especially guys) and a camera at an arm's length away.
Why she will ruin your party: The day after the party, she'll post all of the pictures on facebook with stupid captions like. "OMG i was soooooooo drunk lol" and "gettin my drank on!" Also, they will be terrible pictures that are out of focus or people's heads are chopped off because she was too drunk to delete the bad ones. Your drunkenness will be forever immortalized...at least, until the next party she goes to, that is.
August fth, 2008 at 03:40 am
JJ BANKS, for the win.
August fth, 2008 at 06:21 am
Wonder why there are so many comments on this subject? Two words...JIM freakin ROME!!! He is god and has made your site famous. Your welcome for the karma even if you don't know what the hell I'm talking about.
war BISP showing up to everyones party who reads this
signed,
a clone in Akron, OH
August fth, 2008 at 08:56 pm
I am the guy who fucks yours mom while your are trying to flirt with the woman who is a she male .
August fth, 2008 at 05:37 pm
DAMN! I'm politics guy. Didn't think it was so bad. Sorry everyone, I'll try to expand my exotic porn collection so I have 2 things to talk about.
August fth, 2008 at 10:45 am
Nice post !! enjoyed reading it... m sure writing this post might have taken loads of thought... ;) But I really petty the “Person Who Only Knows You “... poor fellow
August fth, 2008 at 04:58 am
I hate that every hot girl has a DUFF (Designated Ugly Fat Friend.) It is upsetting but inevitable. I don't see how DUFFs survive in this world.
I hate the drama bitch who gets "drunk" off 2 Smirnoff's and says she is going to drive home to see who will stop her, the guy who tries never gets laid. Nice guys DO finish last, when things get repeated over and over by different people they tend to be true.
August fth, 2008 at 09:09 pm
What about the born-again Christian who just talks about what his Church group just did, making you uncomfortable about swearing like a sailor and engaging in "heathen"-like party activities.
August fth, 2008 at 05:26 pm
Your parties must be a blast! Never invite people who make too much mess, clean up messes, nobody too happy, too sad, too angry, too opinionated. Noone who drinks too much, who is too fat, too bitchy, who wants to pick anyone up, who doesn't know anyone, or who wants to be the center of attention. Who's left? A bunch of vanilla people trying to fit in with each other?
August fth, 2008 at 11:51 am
interesting, thanks for sharing.
August fth, 2008 at 10:17 am
Man, These are awesome posts from our American friends. A truly great site. I am the Irish guy who is not 'Irish enough' for the Irish Americans in the party.
August fth, 2008 at 03:22 am
Listen, enjoy your party, if I pass out in the first hour n half and not harming anyone or anything, then leave be, walk over if possible. Just give me a slap before the party clears out and all will be fine. No need to play hero and orchestrate a drama scene.
August fth, 2008 at 04:27 am
Hi webmaster!
August fth, 2008 at 04:16 am
Hi webmaster!
August frd, 2008 at 09:17 pm
"until your done"
Nice spelling, asshole!
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