Church Signs That Won't Make You Go To Church

August 3rd, 2008 | 02:55 pm

Driving across the rural parts of America you'll undoubtedly notice the large number of churches that use their signs to try and draw people into their church with a joke or a pun or some good old fashioned fire and brimstone fear. The problem is, the comedy stylings of most church pastors is kind of like a combination of Yakov Smirnoff and Rush Limbaugh. You either get the world's crappiest puns or some sort of evil, hate filled message that's supposed to scare you into attending, or a totally awesome unintentional double entrendre. Either way, these signs are the only interesting thing to look at when you're driving from Pennsylvania to Colorado.


Um, what?


Now there's a well thought out marketing pitch.


OK, so maybe this one makes me want to go to church.

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205 Responses to "Church Signs That Won't Make You Go To Church"

  1. Erin Says:

    I would just like to comment the the person who said that Christians actually believe in 2 Gods:

    Satan is not a God. He was an angel who went against God. He is actually being punished in Hell. He is not God's equal, let alone another God. Do some research, please. It goes a long way to keep you from looking ignorant.

  2. Anonymous Says:

    Maybe you should do some research and realize there is no god!!!I believe your the ignorant one....

  3. Anonymous Says:

    maybe you should try NOT PRESSING YOUR BELIEFS ON OTHERS

    i believe in god, if you don't, fine, that's not my prerogative.

    but don't be an ignorant asshole and push your beliefs on others and make fun of people who don't agree with you.

  4. Anonymous Says:

    what belief? atheists don't believe, they conclude. It's very different. We don't believe in any gods of any forms.

  5. Anonymous Says:

    Hi, sorry, I'm an atheist to so don't get too angry, but we do believe. It is impossible to logically conclude 'there is necessarly no God' as there can be no evidance against such a beings existance. I am fully in the atheist camp, I just wanted to point out there are no reasons makeing it a conclution. We don't believe in God, but we believe in no God, as we cannot know there is no God, leaving us with belief. Sorry to be a pain.

  6. Anonymous Says:

    I am not Christian or Atheist but I think more people need to understand some of the key points you've made. Props for being open to the flaws of both sides of the argument.

  7. Anonymous Says:

    i like doG

  8. John Says:

    The very first picture is from the Andersonville neighborhood of Chicago (not a rural area).

  9. true american Says:

    I have read the bible and have been to churches but never have I seen what is supposed to be taught which is the love of your fellow man, and do unto others as you would have them do to you, but what was heard was the talk of money, and weekly tithing'sI have seen and heard the preacher condemn not only other religions in this country but also glorify war, how ironic considering that you are supposed to love your fellow man there fore I do not exist because I am an atheist, and do not believe in religion but in science, and the wonders that it has uncovered, it has been my observation that Christians are like alcoholics, they are nothing without there favorite form of sustenance, and have no faith in themselves, but have to believe that the earth was created in 6000 years, when geology shows that is is a lot older than that, by the way the preacher that was at that church retired after 20 yrs of free taxation and became a used car salesma

  10. Anonymous Says:

    I more or less agree with you, but more than that I'm fascinated and impressed by that comment. Did anyone else realize that it was just one sentence? 181 words in 1 sentence! That's got to be some kind of record.

  11. sir jorge Says:

    I'd still go.

  12. iakul Says:

    I looked at the 5th pic a few times to see if I could figure it out, but I have to conclude that it doesn't make any sense to me no matter how many times I try to read it.

  13. scott Says:

    this should have a nsfw warning

  14. Lucas Says:

    I gotta say, the very last one is kind of clever.

  15. Jaz Says:

    God doesn't believe in atheists eh.. thats strange, he mustn't be very omnipotent if he can't see that atheists exist.

  16. K Says:

    Christ forgave his tormentors.

  17. Dave Says:

    Searching for the true religion you have to look at what is acceptable, the churches permit homosexuality.
    I live in England where two priests have married, the bible says homosexuality is an abomination so it would be obvious not to go to being a member of that religion.
    The religion is christianity this is one of the reasons I am not a member of any church.
    I do believe in God and I would like to share some info on some DVDs with you that will I hope will help in deciding for yourself if there is a God.
    The first is :Unlocking The Mystery Of Life.
    The second is :The Privileged Planet.
    And the third is :From A Frog To A Prince.
    These DVDs realy get you thinking and I am sure that common sense will prevail
    Some of the comments made here were not of any use to anyone no one has the need to say:

    "Screw you guys, Im going home"
    "I wonder if you are an ignorant jackoff"
    "Now take your fire and brimstone and get lost, ya jerk"
    and so on and so on.
    It is a shame that people like this have such a poor vocabulary of words, still so is the world, as far as it is said that the Jews killed Christ our beginning started with Adam and Eve if they were Jewish so are we so we are all guilty, at one point God said I wish I had not made man but he loved us so much he has set out a way to save us and I for one love him with all my heart and I do know he exists one hundred percent.
    I hope you all have a wonderfull life and hope if you get the DVDs you find then an jnvaluable source of information.

  18. Kurrus Says:

    The "Who wants to be a christianaire?" one is pretty funny.

  19. ejes Says:

    Am I the only one who got this?
    “Easter is more than something to dye for.”
    DYE = a usually soluble substance for staining or coloring e.g. fabrics or hair
    DIE = pass from physical life and lose all bodily attributes and functions necessary to sustain life; "She died from cancer"; "The children perished in ...

    wtf?

  20. Anonymous Says:

    It is referring to people who just sit around on easter and dye easter eggs and don't go to church, tardolicious.

  21. Anonymous Says:

    BAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!!!! "tardolicious" Yep.

  22. my-ding-e-ling! Says:

    And those are the same m*ther Fµckr's who call out muslims are at most to be radicals, terrorists at large and having nothing more important at mind than to overcome the world with their "hideous" religion...! Are there any more stupid people in the USA than so called "christians" who claim to spred the word of love and peace in the name of JESUS - with guns, war, hatred and humiliation against everything and everyone that do not approve their oppinion in life? If black or white (for example Jews), muslims, homosexuals, free minded intelectuals, etc., etc, etc. ......

    Yeah, baby! "Pass the ammo!" - "Go Bush Go"! Those are the motto of hard hitting, rock bottom christians!

    Good job and thumbs up, you god-d*mned, fµcked up hypocritical sons of b*tches. You really bring jesus style "LOVE and PEACE" to the world, you dimwitted, brain-drained molesters of society!

    Want to make a bet that - 9 out of 10 - jesus is at this very same moment hanging over some heavenly toilet seat and barfing out his very soul about so much sickening hypocrisy!

  23. fuck you all Says:

    FUCK religion altogether! Nothing good has come from it with the bloodshed and hypocrisy it entails. If you believe in a higher power fine, do so...yet if its so divine why recruit members? That goes for ALL religions that try and lure you into seeing "their way".

  24. rgu3t0 Says:

    don't generalise christians as being this way. i'm a christian and in no way feel the way that christians from rural areas feel. but i do agree with when you say they're hypocrites. (they are) just not all christians.

  25. Anonymous Says:

    I really wish some of these churches who put out hateful messages on their signs would open up a Bible every once in a while.

  26. HellsBells Says:

    You know, this is actually a very rational and cool-headed debate, relatively. Almost pleasantly surprising, given the number of assholes of all factions who take the opportunity to vent as soon as they see something like this. Good work, people. Or most of you, anyway. OK, some of you.

  27. Anonymous Says:

    I agree. I'm very suprised at the placidity of this discussion.

  28. Simplywondering Says:

    Mrs. Tilton,
    I was wondering how you feel about Descartes' Meditations 3 and 5 for the existence of God?

  29. Rob Poole Says:

    @sisterinlawssuck:

    Well, in fact, many so-called reform Christians (many Protestant groups, chiefly American offshoot/splinter churches) have the truly bizarre notion that Jesus was not in fact a Jew. It's difficult to explain by what twisted logic they arrive at this conclusion. After all, the Romans crucified Jesus and listed as his crime that he aspired to be "King of the Jews." But there you go -- typically, this sort of drivel comes from Christians who are secret or not-so-secret anti-Semites.

    I actually worked with one so-called Christian who tried to argue this point with me, but he was entirely unable to offer anything resembling a logical argument justifying his position that Jesus was not a Jew. Again, the vast majority of Christians the world over don't deny this basic fact. The Gospels themselves go to great pains to trace Jesus' lineage to that of King David, and by Jewish law a man is considered Jewish if his mother is a Jew. (Mary was most certainly a Jew, if you believe the genealogies given in any of the Gospels.)

    @Mr. C:

    The Jews did not put Jesus on the cross. That was the job of the Romans. They were, after all, the real political power in that region at that time. To them, Jesus was merely a political agitator, and they did what they saw was best. As for the passion play fodder of Matthew 25:27 ("His blood be upon us and our children"), many modern Biblical scholars believe this to not be a legitimate account, but rather a later addition to the Gospels, perhaps by Christian apologists trying to distance Christianity from Judaism, and to better "sell" the new religion to the Roman Empire. After all, blaming the Empire for the death of the Savior of a new religion wouldn't be very good PR.

    I personally believe this interpretation -- after all, what angry mob talks like that?

    But even if you don't buy that explanation, there are other interpretations that don't slander the Jewish people. I would cite http://www.levitt.com/essays/bloodlibel.html as one example of this.

    For the record, I was raised Roman Catholic, but I no longer consider myself a Christian of any sort, precisely because of the sorts of distortions of Jesus' message evidenced by these heretical so-called churches.

  30. ted Says:

    Levetiracetam: troll or idiot?

  31. amanda Says:

    i must agree with a.theist. apparently i am now non-existent

  32. David Says:

    Protestants are always good with words.

  33. Ted Haggards Little Black Book Says:

    You can always make your own sign at http://www.churchsigngenerator.com/

    Enjoy! ;-)

  34. Munchy Says:

    Why are people posting 10 paragraph comments on here? Nobody cares either way.

    But apparently I'm not speaking right now, because I don't exist.

    Christianity is weak. But whatever. Some of these signs are pretty hilarious, and even I must admit that the last one is pretty clever!

  35. Ayaa Says:

    The last one is actually pretty clever.

  36. Paul Says:

    Best. Website. Ever.

  37. Voyagerfan5761 Says:

    I like the last one the most, I think. It's pretty clever.

  38. Heathen Angel Says:

    Hey Anonymous!!!

    It's not a liberation...It's a brutal-colonial-illegal occupation, Wake up and join the anti-war movement to end the American Empire!

  39. Heathen Angel Says:

    Well, Seraphim,

    It looks like I will be going to hell...

    Except for "You shall not murder, if you do you are a murderer.
    You shall honor thy mother and father,"...I've committed every sin possible...But I must admit, I am not much of a liar. It's too complicated to lie.

    But you know something else...I certainly don't regret it. Sex is good. It feels good. I believe that people should have sex before the get married otherwise they might be stuck with a bad lover...and we only live once, can't get stuck with bad lover, life would be too cruel otherwise.

    I don't understand why religious zealots like you want people to feel guilty about having sex.

    Extremist like you have a huge ego, because you believe that God would care about your little meaningless lives and actions...f God existed, and I am pretty sure he does not, yeah, I am an atheist...and if he was as great as you make him out to be, i.e. creator of the universe, he would not care about people having sex. au contraire.

    And if heaven is sitting around in clouds looking at Jesus...well, perhaps it just ain't a place I want to go to.

    Cheers
    D.

  40. Anonymous Says:

    Well... if you only ever have sex with one woman then no matter what it will be amazing, and if you have to wait for her, then its going to be even more enjoyable, so you will never no if she's a bad lover, it will all be awsome. Not to mention you will never have to question whether or not you have a transmitted disease and you will never have to wonder if you are as good as her last lover or if she's thinking about him when she's with you . It actually makes things much simpler, and enjoyable. And I agree with you sex is fantastic, but you know I think its better and deeper when shared with the same person. Ive been married 14 years and it just gets better!!
    Its good to consider both sides.

  41. -_- Says:

    That one abou Athiest doesnt even make sence...god doesnt believe i people who dont believe in him?Wtf were some oft hese people thinking -_- half of them contridict the entire concept of jessus god hates jews lol...he hates no one otherwise that would make em a liar which if u know anythign about the bibl wouldpretty much destroy the christian faith :/ soem of these ro stupid and dont even advertis echurch at all as well -_- pure ignorence this world has...

  42. iconoclastic cat Says:

    I actually live a few blocks from the First Evangelical Free Church in Chicago's Andersonville neighborhood, and I walked past that "Jesus Loves Little Children!" sign every day for weeks when they put it up. It made me laugh, but I felt kind of bad about it. That congregation works themselves to the bone for children's issues in the community. They provide tons of resources the kids of the neighborhood, including a gorgeous playground. They probably never understood why that sign was so very, very wrong.

  43. Enoch Says:

    My favorite church-sign stated: "Don't make me come down there!" - God

  44. Jas Says:

    On a similar note as Jennas', here in Arkansas there's a big sign on the side of the freeway just south of Little Rock that reads WARNING! PREPARE TO MEET GOD.
    Granted, it is next to a small church, but I everytime I pass it I can't help but think "wow, I sure hope not. Do the Christians want us all to die, really?"

  45. asdfasd Says:

    My ancient stories endorsed by the corrupt government that control and enslave the population of my country are better than your ancient stories endorsed by the corrupt government that control and enslave the population of your country.

  46. Brian Jarrett Says:

    Pass the ammo! Classic!

  47. Crom Says:

    For me, churches are simply legalized. tax-free cartels designed to make money by inculcating their followers with guilt and simultaneously holding out the false possibility of salvation.

    Unfortunately for the churches, more and more people are catching on to the racket and have stopped going. Also, because of overly aggressive expansion, the market for churches is oversaturated at this point.

    Therefore, churches end up resorting to any tactics they can think of to bring in new suckers (and to keep the suckers they already have). Silly/offensive signs are just one example of this.

  48. Seraphim Says:

    Regardless of how men try to justify their sins, men to choose to sin as an act of free will. GOD has given us the gift of free will and men choose to use free will to commit sin or acts of evil. Man kind is inherently evil as the result of what Adam and Eve did out of free will, which was defy GOD. Man is not inherently good but inherently evil as a result. All one needs to do is watch the news and see just how much mankind breaks the ten commandments and tries to find ways to justify what he/she has done. Homosexuality is rampant, then next thing you will see on the news is someone trying to justify screwing an animal to satisfy his or her lusts. Even today mankind says Evil is Good and Good is Evil to justify what he or she does. Everyday men say everything is relative but actually everything is absolute. One day every man will die, not every man will live again! Take heed time is short.

  49. RumiSouth Says:

    Somewhere on a disk, I have a picture of a church sign near Moulton, AL... The place was originally a restaurant converted to a church. The sign reads:

    CHURCH OF GOD

    with a Pepsi logo under the words. It's the Church of God of Pepsi.

  50. Mikey Says:

    My all-time favorite was an Assembly of God church near Rosamond, in the Mojave Desert of California. The sign read "Jesus - I Come Quickly."