Growing up is one embarrassing moment after another. Here's a few moments that tend to stand out from the rest.
8. WET DREAM
When you wake up from your first wet dream, you’re basically like one of those soldiers in the first twenty minutes of Saving Private Ryan; scared and confused and checking to see if the stuff you’re covered in is coming from your body. After realizing it’s not urine by rubbing it between your fingers and smelling it like an 1800s fur trader trying to make sure he’s not getting a fake pelt, it’s clean up time. I’m pretty convinced that if murderers took the time and paid the attention to detail that kids spend hiding the evidence of an unexpected splooge, death row would be empty.
7. ASKING A GIRL OUT
The first time you try and ask a girl out on a date ends up sounding a lot like a Woody Allen monologue. You start off with, “Um, so, um, I was wondering if, like, ya know, maybe you wanted to, like…I mean you’re probably busy, but, like…” and then after three minutes of that you end it with “…and so my friend was all, like, ya know weird and then the helicopter picked them up off the boat…and that’s it.” After you walk away thinking you were totally cool, it slowly dawns on you that you didn’t actually ask her out, but in your nervous desperation ended up telling her about an episode of Gilligan’s Island.
6. GETTING A BONER IN A PLAYGROUND SETTING
When you’re little, boners, much like hurricanes, are an unstoppable force that comes with little or no warning, leaving you powerless until they’ve run their course. Your only hope is that they happen in unpopulated areas. But sometimes a slight wind mixed with a quick lateral movement during a tag game, causes a boner to rear it’s ugly head. And if you’re not wearing pants or shorts that allow for the “Tuck it behind your belt” method, you’re forced to waddle towards a place where you can sit down, in hopes that pushing your ass out will leave enough open space in the crotch area of your shorts to give your boner some breathing room. Unfortunately everyone can identify that walk, and they suddenly stop whatever they’re doing and point and stare like they're a group of Japanese tourists on a whale watching expedition. Then the kid who’s parents don’t pay enough attention to him at home yells out “he’s got a boner!” and ironically adds, “What a homo!”
5. CRAPPING/PISSING YOURSELF
Managing bathroom breaks is one of the trickier aspects of being a child. Which is why you see so many young boys running around and holding their wieners like your dad holds the garden hose when he doesn’t want any water to come out of it. But there’s still nothing worse than realizing you just crapped yourself or unloaded a gallon of Kool Aid into your Underoos. The problem is, what do you do after you’ve demolished your pants in a public setting? Most kids just freeze like a deer in the headlights and pretend nothing happened while their minds race over their options, which are: 1) Sit there and pretend nothing happened. Then when someone asks about the smell, blame the retarded kid. Or 2) Start crying. As with most childhood situations, options 1 and 2 usually end up occurring.
4. YOUR FIRST FIGHT
Somebody’s Derek Jeter binder got stepped on and suddenly a time and location are set and the entire school has found out. Your friends, who have never been in a fight, suddenly have a wealth of combat knowledge to share with you. When you arrive to the location after school, you partake in the ceremonial “calling your opponent a fag” portion of the event for several minutes as you both try and put off the actual fighting part of the fight. But the crowd becomes restless, and suddenly you clamp your fist and swing it towards your opponent like you’re throwing a grenade under water. It lands nowhere near his face like you had planned, and the fight devolves into both of you pulling each others shirts while on the ground, and getting super red faced, as if you’re attempting to shit out a bowling ball. After about twenty seconds of what looks like two kids dry humping, the crowd sees a random adult 200 yards away and scatters frantically.
3. CRYING IN FRONT OF EVERYONE
Whether it’s because you fell down on the playground or crapped your pants or got caught stealing, everyone has a moment in their childhood where they stood there and let buckets of tears and snot run down their face while making that hiccupy air sucking noise in front of all their friends. And after the “incident” is over, your best friends won’t talk to you for at least an hour because they don’t want to catch your shame cooties. No one will actually say the word “dignity” (mostly because they’re too young to know what it means) but from that day forward you will know that you don’t have any.
2. GETTING CAUGHT MASTURBATING
The sheer, heart-stopping terror that shoots through your body when your mom walks in while you’re masturbating causes you to blurt out the the only words you can think of as fast as you can. Unfortunately your nerves have only left you with a collection of ridiculous phrases that do nothing too help your cause. “Whoa, cleaning! Washing…hang on! No, I’m not! Just can’t get my pants on! Stuck! New underwear! I swear!” If you have a hippy mom, she’ll probably try and tell you that what you’re doing is a completely normal bodily function. If you have an uptight mom, she’ll walk out and pretend nothing ever happened. (Pray for an uptight mom.)
1. WALKING IN ON YOUR PARENTS HAVING SEX
Few things in life are as scarring as going to ask your parents if you can open the new box of Cocoa puffs, only to find your father putting his erect penis inside your mother. If the government could make the terrorists in Guantamo Bay watch their parents boning in front of them, we could get rid of waterboarding. The worst part about it is when your parents see you, they frantically try to pull the covers over themselves and turn away from you, except they haven’t coordinated this, so they each pull different things, resulting in them pulling covers off of another part of their body. This leaves you face to face with images such as the back of your dad's nutsack, or your mom’s asshole.
oh man, i recently had a wet dream and yea, it sucks. next time i dream about being in a hot tub with hot chicks and i'm suddenly overcome with the feeling of letting one flow out i'm ganna get up, take a wizz and go back to the dream.
This is a website for guys. There's a WWYRD column. But I'm sure there are female equivalents for guy specific items on this list, like a girl's first period or being asked out by the awkward guy in #7.
I gotta say "wtf???" to #1. I had no idea they were "having sex". I always thought that Mom and Dad were "just naked wrestling" like they said they were.
I never walked in when my folks where fucking but I think it was worst.
I was at my friends house and his parents had left to eat so it was just him and me. We went to his parents room to get some money and while my friend was in the closet I turned the TV on and pressed play on the dvd player. It was a hardcore homemade movie with my friends parents fucking. I was so scared I just frozed. When my friends came out he looked like some guy had molested him
Shit happens, I never looked at his mom the same way
Interesting... so little girls don't go around holding their twinkies when they need to go pee (#5) and they don't ever masterbate (#2). No they don't ever use weeble wobbles do they?
i enjoyed walking in on my parents actually. so when they asked me to join it it was ok too i guess. it only started to get weird when my mom wanted me to shove a devil dog inside her. needless to say i never looked at devil dogs the same way again
My most awkward moment was when my Nana walked in to my bedroom whilst I was havin' a toss off. But after a few awkward words, she decided to do the job for me. Since then we've regularly got together. She's a great Nana, especially when she removes her false teeth....Mmmmmm.
A friend of mine walked in on his parents and told us.
Problem being, we all were already nineteen... In his own words "How the hell was I supposed to think that they still did it, specially on a bl**dy Tuesday morning???"
Good article, whoever that says "I wish I was a kid again" should read this first...
i walked in on my parents (last month) and i felt scarred for life.. and interestingly enough everything this article said normaly happened actually happened. that's pretty much the only one i relaye to since i'm a girl
Not only did my mom catch me, but she actually mimicked the face I was making while doing it. Probably one of most terrifyingly and catastrophically humiliating experiences ever to be laid upon a single human.
#7: get rejected enough times, you'll either #3 more often, become the most bitter person around in adult life and have tons of people not like you for it (and never help you out either), or have psychological trauma or problems in the future, or just plain give up and become a hermit.
Let's not forget, some people (like myself) still have terrible luck in this field, even as adults. And people, self-help stuff, and the internet are no help whatsoever in fixing the problem either. If anything, they make it worse. Either they suck as much as I do, and don't want to admit it; or there's a "Holy Grail" method I've been missing or overlooking my whole life that nobody ever wants to reveal.
Seriously, if it's a very simple thing like having no dignity and not caring, I'm going to hit someone really hard. I've done research, and nothing works; just in case anyone else has #7 issues and are looking around. Don't trust anyone or any advice given. They're just out to make a quick buck or to humiliate you.
Man... Having your first wet dream... that was definitely the worst. Second worst was those ridiculously out-of-control boners.
In ninth grade, for P.E., we were forced to do aerobics for several months. Unfortunately, this turned out to be right when my penis was starting to get rather big, but was still small enough to be able to jump around freely.
"Okay everyone, 100 jumping jacks!" And... dammit... the head of my penis is rubbing against my sweats (the underwear I had was loose or something, I don't know), and... fuck! I've got a boner again!
Of course, we weren't allowed to stop exercising... so I had to do a kind of half-crouch while making weak movements, mostly of my arms, and hope the stupid gym instructor wasn't noticing. Those were probably the longest months of my life!
I'm 33, now, so that was years ago. Been married for over seven years. Strangely, about six months ago, I actually had a wet dream... first time since I was a teen. WTF?!?!?
Yep, did a #1 to my son. Nut sacks, naked piggy backs & great oiled down wrestling . He was a young tyke of about 4. Unbeknownst to me, he was being traumitized by watching me tear it up through a cracked door. His curiosity soon turned to fear as the naked wrestling began. He burst into the room hit me and yelled in a young Texas drawl, "Queet hurtin' mah MahMah".
Of course we've (wife & I) privately laughed at that one for years at his expense. But 14 years later he just ain't the same.
When I was a young 18 year old catholic seminary student, I would get the most incredible hard ons while kneeling for 45 minutes at 6 am in the chapel for meditation. No one could see it thanks to the robes we wore but god it was awful trying to kneel straight with that thing pulling me forward. U would look around the chapel and wonder how many others had frock solid penises.
at 12 my niece caught her parents (my brother and his wife) going at it like rabbits trying to save the species, she ran through the living room (where I was) back to her room repeating "OMG, OMG, OH my GOD!!" A few minutes after her near slamming her door, I hear lil moans, groans, and squeals coming from her room, so I go to investigate. Apparently catching her parents fucking had aroused and stimulated her, as what I found was my sweet lil 12 yr old niece on her hands and knees getting driven by the family dog and REALLY enjoying it. This sight stimulated me, and I started masturbating to the show, standing right in front her. As I approached my climax (which I had planned on shooting on her pretty face), she opens her eyes and gasps, catching me in my stroking state, and with an evil grin she offers to finish me off with her mouth, as she's being pounded by the dog. RED FACED I turn to leave and she begs me to stay and let her finish me off, so I oblige her, and slip my dick between her soft young lips and she goes to work on me. So there we are, me with my dick being sucked by my very pretty 12 yr old niece, who is getting herself ridden by the family dog, all of us enjoying it, I blow my load in her mouth, and she climaxes on the dogs dick, as the dog is loading her, and the bedroom door fly's open loudly, and there laying on the floor is my aunt and sister-in-law, each with dildo in hand between their own legs. They had heard sounds when coming to the living room, and had cracked the door open to see the scene, got turned on grabbed a toy each and went to work masturbating themselves while watching, then upon climaxing, lost balance and fell through the door. My niece tried to scream, but couldn't with a mouth full of cock and cum, I laughed at the sight of them there on the floor in the throws of still running orgasm.
All this happening the first morning after everyone arriving for a family reunion, though LUCKILY no-one else ever found out about it.
5 yrs later, I STILL can't look at or even see my niece, aunt, or sister-in-law, without getting a walking hard-on, no matter who else is around.
Thank f**cking god I have never walked in on my parents, I would probably cry while trying to get the images out of my head, and I'm 17. I did once hear my sister though, jeez, that was disturbing, and I didn't want her to hear me coming up the stairs into my room so I quietly crept back down to the living room and went back on the computer.
Don't reckon I've ever cried in front of "everyone", I've cried several times at school, once in front of my class, once in front of a teacher, but it got me out of trouble for shoving some tw*t off his chair, once in front of my class again when I was 11 cos I had broken up with this boy and my teacher told me there was "plenty more fish in the sea", and once when my rabbit died :.>
I didn't walk in on my mom and step-dad but, i have accidentally walked in on my brother and his girlfriend. def, traumatizing.
but the it also really sucks when your parents are so loud you can hear them -gag-
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
August 12th, 2008 at 08:30 pm
Sadly, I found the cat to be the best part.
August 12th, 2008 at 08:40 pm
Man, If I wrote this story I would have called it "8 Awkward Moments I Had This Weekend"
August 12th, 2008 at 09:29 pm
YouTube is full of evidence to back up #4. It's so true that it's sad.
August 12th, 2008 at 09:30 pm
"Man, If I wrote this story I would have called it '8 Awkward Moments I Had This Weekend' "
comment of the week right there!
August 12th, 2008 at 10:05 pm
Dude, swear to everything I have combined 7 through 5 all in one graceful move. Needless to say, I am now a happily married man.
August 12th, 2008 at 10:25 pm
oh man, i recently had a wet dream and yea, it sucks. next time i dream about being in a hot tub with hot chicks and i'm suddenly overcome with the feeling of letting one flow out i'm ganna get up, take a wizz and go back to the dream.
August 13th, 2008 at 12:03 am
I don't ever remember having a wet dream or asking a girl out.
It could be because... wait for it... I'm a girl.
August 13th, 2008 at 01:03 am
This is a website for guys. There's a WWYRD column. But I'm sure there are female equivalents for guy specific items on this list, like a girl's first period or being asked out by the awkward guy in #7.
August 13th, 2008 at 04:55 am
This is great. So well done.
August 13th, 2008 at 05:48 am
Yet somehow we group up and survive it all.
August 13th, 2008 at 06:57 am
You went into detail writing this article on number 1. Did you see your dad's nutsack and your mom's nutsack?
August 13th, 2008 at 09:49 am
Thanks Greg for supporting my comment haha : )
Bad things happen after a night out at the bar... lol
August 13th, 2008 at 10:25 am
so........ what about no.7. any help?
March 28th, 2009 at 07:36 am
check out david deangelo's stuff at doubleyourdating.com .. saved my life
August 13th, 2008 at 02:50 pm
Just this week, my 11 year old niece walked in on her GRANDPARENTS doing it. Now that, my friends, is scarring.
August 13th, 2008 at 04:16 pm
very funny!
sounds also like a list of awkward things that could happen to you when you are drunk!
August 13th, 2008 at 05:08 pm
wow all of these have happend 2 me :( horrible DX
August 13th, 2008 at 10:28 pm
how about getting caught jerking off while watching your brother jerking off
August 14th, 2008 at 09:11 am
so right about #2 lmao
August 15th, 2008 at 05:14 am
True True Agreed!! everything!! xD
August 15th, 2008 at 08:50 pm
I gotta say "wtf???" to #1. I had no idea they were "having sex". I always thought that Mom and Dad were "just naked wrestling" like they said they were.
August 17th, 2008 at 04:47 am
I never walked in when my folks where fucking but I think it was worst.
I was at my friends house and his parents had left to eat so it was just him and me. We went to his parents room to get some money and while my friend was in the closet I turned the TV on and pressed play on the dvd player. It was a hardcore homemade movie with my friends parents fucking. I was so scared I just frozed. When my friends came out he looked like some guy had molested him
Shit happens, I never looked at his mom the same way
August 18th, 2008 at 07:02 pm
www.clownoftheday.com
August 19th, 2008 at 12:48 am
Interesting... so little girls don't go around holding their twinkies when they need to go pee (#5) and they don't ever masterbate (#2). No they don't ever use weeble wobbles do they?
August 19th, 2008 at 03:31 am
Lol at Hossi
That was the funniest thing I've read all night.
August 19th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
Ohmygoshness, that was effen hilarious! Ha, when I walked in on parents, my dad told me that my mom was giving a piggy-back ride to my dad o_0
August 19th, 2008 at 03:49 pm
just last week my mom caught me MASTURBATING to you guessed it hard core porn on full screen EMBARRASING
August 20th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
i enjoyed walking in on my parents actually. so when they asked me to join it it was ok too i guess. it only started to get weird when my mom wanted me to shove a devil dog inside her. needless to say i never looked at devil dogs the same way again
August 20th, 2008 at 07:39 pm
I can remember "first date" and "uncontrollable power boner" joining forces. In tight pants. God, I hated that age.
August 20th, 2008 at 11:00 pm
Could be worse, you could see your mom's nutsack and your dad's asshole.
August 21st, 2008 at 08:03 am
My most awkward moment was when my Nana walked in to my bedroom whilst I was havin' a toss off. But after a few awkward words, she decided to do the job for me. Since then we've regularly got together. She's a great Nana, especially when she removes her false teeth....Mmmmmm.
August 21st, 2008 at 11:39 pm
A friend of mine walked in on his parents and told us.
Problem being, we all were already nineteen... In his own words "How the hell was I supposed to think that they still did it, specially on a bl**dy Tuesday morning???"
Good article, whoever that says "I wish I was a kid again" should read this first...
August 23rd, 2008 at 12:42 am
i walked in on my parents (last month) and i felt scarred for life.. and interestingly enough everything this article said normaly happened actually happened. that's pretty much the only one i relaye to since i'm a girl
August 23rd, 2008 at 12:56 pm
i caught my future in-laws fucking when i was dating my wife. that sure brought on some bad karma.
August 24th, 2008 at 11:58 am
what, no peanut butter and family dog?
and you call yourself a Journalist?
August 25th, 2008 at 08:48 pm
Re: #2
Not only did my mom catch me, but she actually mimicked the face I was making while doing it. Probably one of most terrifyingly and catastrophically humiliating experiences ever to be laid upon a single human.
August 27th, 2008 at 10:31 pm
#7: get rejected enough times, you'll either #3 more often, become the most bitter person around in adult life and have tons of people not like you for it (and never help you out either), or have psychological trauma or problems in the future, or just plain give up and become a hermit.
Let's not forget, some people (like myself) still have terrible luck in this field, even as adults. And people, self-help stuff, and the internet are no help whatsoever in fixing the problem either. If anything, they make it worse. Either they suck as much as I do, and don't want to admit it; or there's a "Holy Grail" method I've been missing or overlooking my whole life that nobody ever wants to reveal.
Seriously, if it's a very simple thing like having no dignity and not caring, I'm going to hit someone really hard. I've done research, and nothing works; just in case anyone else has #7 issues and are looking around. Don't trust anyone or any advice given. They're just out to make a quick buck or to humiliate you.
August 31st, 2008 at 02:42 am
Man... Having your first wet dream... that was definitely the worst. Second worst was those ridiculously out-of-control boners.
In ninth grade, for P.E., we were forced to do aerobics for several months. Unfortunately, this turned out to be right when my penis was starting to get rather big, but was still small enough to be able to jump around freely.
"Okay everyone, 100 jumping jacks!" And... dammit... the head of my penis is rubbing against my sweats (the underwear I had was loose or something, I don't know), and... fuck! I've got a boner again!
Of course, we weren't allowed to stop exercising... so I had to do a kind of half-crouch while making weak movements, mostly of my arms, and hope the stupid gym instructor wasn't noticing. Those were probably the longest months of my life!
I'm 33, now, so that was years ago. Been married for over seven years. Strangely, about six months ago, I actually had a wet dream... first time since I was a teen. WTF?!?!?
September 10th, 2008 at 03:31 am
Yep, did a #1 to my son. Nut sacks, naked piggy backs & great oiled down wrestling . He was a young tyke of about 4. Unbeknownst to me, he was being traumitized by watching me tear it up through a cracked door. His curiosity soon turned to fear as the naked wrestling began. He burst into the room hit me and yelled in a young Texas drawl, "Queet hurtin' mah MahMah".
Of course we've (wife & I) privately laughed at that one for years at his expense. But 14 years later he just ain't the same.
September 11th, 2008 at 02:12 pm
I caught my olds doing it, and then later had a wet dream involving my mums asshole...boy was I screwed up.
September 23rd, 2008 at 12:39 am
When I was a young 18 year old catholic seminary student, I would get the most incredible hard ons while kneeling for 45 minutes at 6 am in the chapel for meditation. No one could see it thanks to the robes we wore but god it was awful trying to kneel straight with that thing pulling me forward. U would look around the chapel and wonder how many others had frock solid penises.
October 15th, 2008 at 01:21 am
at 12 my niece caught her parents (my brother and his wife) going at it like rabbits trying to save the species, she ran through the living room (where I was) back to her room repeating "OMG, OMG, OH my GOD!!" A few minutes after her near slamming her door, I hear lil moans, groans, and squeals coming from her room, so I go to investigate. Apparently catching her parents fucking had aroused and stimulated her, as what I found was my sweet lil 12 yr old niece on her hands and knees getting driven by the family dog and REALLY enjoying it. This sight stimulated me, and I started masturbating to the show, standing right in front her. As I approached my climax (which I had planned on shooting on her pretty face), she opens her eyes and gasps, catching me in my stroking state, and with an evil grin she offers to finish me off with her mouth, as she's being pounded by the dog. RED FACED I turn to leave and she begs me to stay and let her finish me off, so I oblige her, and slip my dick between her soft young lips and she goes to work on me. So there we are, me with my dick being sucked by my very pretty 12 yr old niece, who is getting herself ridden by the family dog, all of us enjoying it, I blow my load in her mouth, and she climaxes on the dogs dick, as the dog is loading her, and the bedroom door fly's open loudly, and there laying on the floor is my aunt and sister-in-law, each with dildo in hand between their own legs. They had heard sounds when coming to the living room, and had cracked the door open to see the scene, got turned on grabbed a toy each and went to work masturbating themselves while watching, then upon climaxing, lost balance and fell through the door. My niece tried to scream, but couldn't with a mouth full of cock and cum, I laughed at the sight of them there on the floor in the throws of still running orgasm.
All this happening the first morning after everyone arriving for a family reunion, though LUCKILY no-one else ever found out about it.
5 yrs later, I STILL can't look at or even see my niece, aunt, or sister-in-law, without getting a walking hard-on, no matter who else is around.
October 15th, 2008 at 02:21 am
the guy above me is the most fucked up person in the world
I hope they catch you in a How to catch a predator and they castrate you bitch
October 16th, 2008 at 05:45 pm
I totally agree with you Hossi. What an effing creep. whats wrong with you???
October 20th, 2008 at 03:15 am
Hmmm maybe you should apply this for both genders.
cause, i sure as hell don't get boners or wet dreams!!
cause, if you read my name on here, I'M A GIRL!!
OMFG a girl on the net, shock horror!
October 20th, 2008 at 03:19 am
Hossie, ur a f***ing CREEP!!!
THAT WAS YOUR NIECE! if this were true,
i bet this was one of your "Wet Dreams!!"
sick sick people!!
October 24th, 2008 at 06:59 pm
Thank f**cking god I have never walked in on my parents, I would probably cry while trying to get the images out of my head, and I'm 17. I did once hear my sister though, jeez, that was disturbing, and I didn't want her to hear me coming up the stairs into my room so I quietly crept back down to the living room and went back on the computer.
Don't reckon I've ever cried in front of "everyone", I've cried several times at school, once in front of my class, once in front of a teacher, but it got me out of trouble for shoving some tw*t off his chair, once in front of my class again when I was 11 cos I had broken up with this boy and my teacher told me there was "plenty more fish in the sea", and once when my rabbit died :.>
November 2nd, 2008 at 08:02 pm
I didn't walk in on my mom and step-dad but, i have accidentally walked in on my brother and his girlfriend. def, traumatizing.
but the it also really sucks when your parents are so loud you can hear them -gag-
May 29th, 2009 at 09:18 pm
order store away unfccc open
December 20th, 2008 at 04:27 pm
funny shit
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