August 13th, 2008 | 09:00
In baseball today you've got your Randy Johnsons, your Albert Pujols and your Rich (don't call me Dick) Hardens. But way back in the day, there were quite a few players with names that would be suitable for any self-respecting gay porn star. Here's a few, with links.
Dick Burns
This may not be the best gay porn name actually. This is like what you nickname a college buddy who had an unfortunate Spring break incident in Cabo San Lucas.
Dick Butler
I would guess he would be very attentive to the needs of his co-stars penises.
Johnny Dickshot
If you're in a scene with him, you better believe he's finishing in your face.
Footer Johnson
I'm imagining the new guy gets to set and the producer is like "Okay, you have a scene with Johnny Dickshot first," and the new guy's like "okay, cool, cool," and then they're like "then we break for lunch and when we come back you have a scene with Footer Johnson," and suddenly the room goes silent.
Judge Fuchs
I could see the tag line for his porn being "In his courtroom, there are no objections, only injections. Of dick." Actually, it'd probably be way more clever, but that's why I write for a blog and they're successful filmmakers.
Harry Colliflower
I'd rather not expand on this.
Tony Suck
It's a shame to be pigeon holed because of your name. That's why you have to pick something more amorphous.
Dick Cox
Very unimaginative. I feel like this is the first name gay porn stars think of when they're trying to think up names. Unfortunately for him he wasn't a gay porn star and instead a right fielder, which just makes his name really gay.
Buttercup Dickerson
I don't even know if this is suited for gay porn or not. It's such an awesome name that it makes the list anyway.
Dick Hoover
I'm guessing he got his name from hoovering tons and tons of dicks. That's just a guess, though.
Butts Wagner
Butts Wagner sounds like an extremely gay "privates detective". Man, these gay porn movie writes themselves.
German Sacks
He's not that old timey, but we're happy that a European star has made his way into the list.
Cum Posey
His first name is Cum.
Dick Brown
Looking at the color of this Dick, I think it's clear that he's definitely not the receiver.
Chief Johnson
Him Chief Johnson. Him perfect for role in sequel to Bareback Mountain.
Douglas Fister
His last name is Fister. That's pretty self explanatory.
![](mailto:?subject=Old Timey Baseball Players Had Gay Porn Names&body=<p><a href="http://cdn.holytaco.com/www/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/papacard.jpg"><img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-3427" title="papacard" src="http://cdn.holytaco.com/www/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/papacard.jpg" alt="" width="399" height="547" /></a></p>
<p>In baseball today you've got your Randy Johnsons, your Albert Pujols and your Rich (don't call me Dick) Hardens. But way back in the day, there were quite a few players with names that would be suitable for any self-respecting gay porn star. Here's a few, with links.</p>
<p><a href="http://www.baseball-reference.com/b/burnsdi01.shtml" target="_blank"><strong>Dick Burns </strong></a><br />
This may not be the best gay porn name actually. This is like what you nickname a college buddy who had an unfortunate Spring break incident in Cabo San Lucas.</p>
<p><a href="http://www.baseball-reference.com/b/butledi01.shtml" target="_blank"><strong>Dick Butler </strong></a><br />
I would guess he would be very attentive to the needs of his co-stars penises.</p>
<p><a href="http://www.baseball-reference.com/d/dicksjo01.shtml" target="_blank"><strong>Johnny Dickshot</strong></a><br />
If you're in a scene with him, you better believe he's finishing in your face.</p>
<p><strong><a href="http://www.baseball-reference.com/j/johnsfo01.shtml" target="_blank">Footer Johnson</a></strong><br />
I'm imagining the new guy gets to set and the producer is like "Okay, you have a scene with Johnny Dickshot first," and the new guy's like "okay, cool, cool," and then they're like "then we break for lunch and when we come back you have a scene with Footer Johnson," and suddenly the room goes silent.</p>
<p><strong><a href="http://www.baseball-reference.com/managers/fuchsju99.shtml" target="_blank">Judge Fuchs</a></strong><br />
I could see the tag line for his porn being "In his courtroom, there are no objections, only injections. Of dick." Actually, it'd probably be way more clever, but that's why I write for a blog and they're successful filmmakers.</p>
<p><strong><a href="http://www.baseball-reference.com/c/colliha01.shtml" target="_blank">Harry Colliflower</a></strong><br />
I'd rather not expand on this.</p>
<p><strong><a href="http://www.baseball-reference.com/s/suckto01.shtml" target="_blank">Tony Suck</a></strong><br />
It's a shame to be pigeon holed because of your name. That's why you have to pick something more amorphous.</p>
<p><a href="http://www.baseball-reference.com/c/coxdi01.shtml" target="_blank"><strong>Dick Cox</strong></a><br />
Very unimaginative. I feel like this is the first name gay porn stars think of when they're trying to think up names. Unfortunately for him he wasn't a gay porn star and instead a right fielder, which just makes his name really gay.</p>
<p><a href="http://www.baseball-reference.com/d/dickebu01.shtml" target="_blank"><strong>Buttercup Dickerson</strong></a><br />
I don't even know if this is suited for gay porn or not. It's such an awesome name that it makes the list anyway.</p>
<p><a href="http://www.baseball-reference.com/bullpen/Dick_Hoover" target="_blank"><strong>Dick Hoover</strong></a><br />
I'm guessing he got his name from hoovering tons and tons of dicks. That's just a guess, though.</p>
<p><a href="http://www.baseball-reference.com/w/wagnebu01.shtml" target="_blank"><strong>Butts Wagner</strong></a><br />
Butts Wagner sounds like an extremely gay "privates detective". Man, these gay porn movie writes themselves.</p>
<p><a href="http://minors.baseball-reference.com/players.cgi?pid=35465" target="_blank"><strong>German Sacks</strong></a><br />
He's not that old timey, but we're happy that a European star has made his way into the list.</p>
<p><a href="http://www.baseball-reference.com/nonmlbpa/poseycu99.shtml" target="_blank"><strong>Cum Posey</strong></a><br />
His first name is Cum.</p>
<p><a href="http://www.baseball-reference.com/b/browndi01.shtml" target="_blank"><strong>Dick Brown</strong></a><br />
Looking at the color of this Dick, I think it's clear that he's definitely not the receiver.</p>
<p><a href="http://www.baseball-reference.com/j/johnsch02.shtml" target="_blank"><strong>Chief Johnson</strong></a><br />
Him Chief Johnson. Him perfect for role in sequel to Bareback Mountain.</p>
<p><a href="http://minors.baseball-reference.com/players.cgi?pid=31406" target="_blank"><strong>Douglas Fister</strong></a><br />
His last name is Fister. That's pretty self explanatory.</p>
)
(6)
August fth, 2008 at 07:30 pm
I agree with Balls Grazer. If it weren't for pricks like you, I would have gone to my senior prom. Under my own power. :(
August fth, 2008 at 05:18 pm
Hey!
This article made me come out of the closet. It presented the possibilities for a Gay PR0n Carrer and I liked what I saw.
August fth, 2008 at 05:12 pm
I had a few baseball cards just because they had funny sounding names: Dick Pole, Rusty Kuntz, (I can't remember the third)
August fth, 2008 at 03:09 am
Balls Grazer that was absolutley the best comment ive seen in a long time, you need to win one of those contest things
August fth, 2008 at 12:01 am
Just because you have a crappy name doesn't make you gay. I have been dealing with tasteless jokes by aholes like you my whole life :(
August fth, 2008 at 10:19 pm
I'm sure someone's grandpa out there is on this list, and he's going to start taking a lot of crap from any relatives of his who read this site (if they're still alive, that is).
Post new comment