Why does everyone bother asking the question, "What makes the perfect NFL Quarterback?," when most of us root for a team with an incredibly shitty one? Thus, we decided to ask a more pertinent question, "What makes the Ultimate Shitty Quarterback...
VOICE: ELI MANNING
If the slow, Southern drawl weren't enough to bore his huddle to sleep, those that stand awake and stare in amazement that this goober is a Super Bowl MVP must interpret play calls from their mush-mouthed, inbred QB.
Grossman should also be the hands for how he can't hold a snap, arm for how he finds the defensive backs better than anyone else. God the pain of being a Bears fan, oh and can't forget the legs cause he can't move outside the pocket he's never sacked for a loss of 3 or 4 it's always like 15 to 20.
I love the see through picture of Kitna giving that spiritual feel.
Give him Ben Roethlisberger's surgically reconstructed jaw, because those defensive linemen are aching to take you down and slamming your head into the grass.
*cue the really fat guy in tight spandex dancing in front of 40000 cheering fans*
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. Oh, and f*ck the Lions."
John 3:16.5
You guys seem to have answered the first question perfectly well. Apparently the perfect NFL quarterback is a shitty one. No need to ask anything else.
Favre's legs? Way off - while he's never been big in scrambling for first downs, historically his stats are actually better on the move & outside the pocket than in - something McCarthy made a concerted effort to use last season with obvious results. Not to mention how good he always was at shrugging off a tackler or to because of his leg strength.
Legs should be Marino. Hall of Famer & quickest release ever, that guy was immobile BEFORE the torn achilles & other injuries took their toll.
For Arm, I'd give the nod to Pennington - his arm makes Rivers' look like a cannon. And now, after all his injuries, you'd be hard pressed to pick it out of a lineup of cooked spaghetti, linguini & vermicelli.
Lastly, while Sexy Rexy is more fresh in memory, the ultimate cliche million dollar arm & ten cent head has to be Jeff George.
What the hell, while we're at it, let's add the little finger of Steve DeBerg. If nothing else, just because that cast thing he wore was funny. The look on his center's face - "un uh - you're not putting that thing anywhere near my @ss."
Nothing in there about Joey Harrington? Hes awful enough to be completely and absolutely terrible and yet just good enough that he wasnt replaced for far too long?
mkrob - probably not fair to Leaf - he had a lot of tools. While brain has already been taken, for Leaf maybe temperament would be a better way to describe what was so awful about him.
Duzin - problem with Harrington is tough to quantify. What is the opposite of synergy? Take up any of the individual attributes and Harrington doesn't have any one that was really horrifically bad. But for some reason the add the combination together and you get a steaming pile. Whatever the hell "IT" is, anyone whose name doesn't rhyme with Batt Billen that almost instantly knew that Joey didn't have "IT."
Hey TammyJean: Probably the same thing fat bitches get from watching a bunch of overpaid actors run around playing pretend; entertainment. At least athletes are actually there and DOING something.
Any old mediocre QB can be a leader to his team and pump up his receivers (you know...like Jon Kitna). It takes somebody SPECIAL to have the audacity to go out of his way to blame literally everyone else, from his defense, to his kicker, to his offensive line when something goes wrong.
And the legs should be Drew Bledsoe. Kurt Warner inspired his defense when he sucked it up and lobbed a perfect pass, knowing he was about to be levelled by pass-rushers in Super Bowl XXXIV. Drew Bledose pissed off Bill Parcells when he got levelled by pass-rushers and fumbled. Don't know the exact game for that one. There are plenty to choose from, though.
(28 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
August 18th, 2008 at 05:15 pm
VOICE: ELI MANNING
If the slow, Southern drawl weren't enough to bore his huddle to sleep, those that stand awake and stare in amazement that this goober is a Super Bowl MVP must interpret play calls from their mush-mouthed, inbred QB.
August 18th, 2008 at 05:26 pm
Replace Brett Favre's legs with Byron Leftwich's legs, and this would be even more ultimate. Leftwich will NEVER be able to run for a first down.
August 18th, 2008 at 05:39 pm
Grossman should also be the hands for how he can't hold a snap, arm for how he finds the defensive backs better than anyone else. God the pain of being a Bears fan, oh and can't forget the legs cause he can't move outside the pocket he's never sacked for a loss of 3 or 4 it's always like 15 to 20.
I love the see through picture of Kitna giving that spiritual feel.
August 18th, 2008 at 05:52 pm
Someone fryyin' chikens??
August 18th, 2008 at 06:05 pm
Give him Ben Roethlisberger's surgically reconstructed jaw, because those defensive linemen are aching to take you down and slamming your head into the grass.
*cue the really fat guy in tight spandex dancing in front of 40000 cheering fans*
August 18th, 2008 at 06:12 pm
Why go through all that trouble? You could have just used Rex Grossman for the whole thing and it'd be just as good....
August 18th, 2008 at 09:23 pm
"...due to the whorish nature of his lady friend..."!!!!!! LMAO!!! Priceless!
August 18th, 2008 at 10:56 pm
That looks just like Michael Phelps.... How dare you make fun of an American hero.
August 19th, 2008 at 02:27 am
LOL, I have never seen what men get out of watching a bunch of overpaid men run aroudn in tights chasing a stupid ball. I really dont get it.
Tammy
www.decrypt.net.tc
August 19th, 2008 at 02:30 am
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. Oh, and f*ck the Lions."
John 3:16.5
August 19th, 2008 at 02:55 am
An yet this quarterback is still better than Ryan Leaf!
August 19th, 2008 at 04:10 am
You guys seem to have answered the first question perfectly well. Apparently the perfect NFL quarterback is a shitty one. No need to ask anything else.
August 19th, 2008 at 05:28 am
Favre's legs? Way off - while he's never been big in scrambling for first downs, historically his stats are actually better on the move & outside the pocket than in - something McCarthy made a concerted effort to use last season with obvious results. Not to mention how good he always was at shrugging off a tackler or to because of his leg strength.
Legs should be Marino. Hall of Famer & quickest release ever, that guy was immobile BEFORE the torn achilles & other injuries took their toll.
For Arm, I'd give the nod to Pennington - his arm makes Rivers' look like a cannon. And now, after all his injuries, you'd be hard pressed to pick it out of a lineup of cooked spaghetti, linguini & vermicelli.
Lastly, while Sexy Rexy is more fresh in memory, the ultimate cliche million dollar arm & ten cent head has to be Jeff George.
What the hell, while we're at it, let's add the little finger of Steve DeBerg. If nothing else, just because that cast thing he wore was funny. The look on his center's face - "un uh - you're not putting that thing anywhere near my @ss."
August 19th, 2008 at 05:51 am
This quarterback will be playing for the Jets once Brett Farve retires 100million years from now.
August 19th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
How about hair? David Carr - because when you suck that bad you have to look good doing it right?
August 19th, 2008 at 01:46 pm
Your shitty quarterback is basically Ryan Leaf.
August 19th, 2008 at 07:42 pm
Nothing in there about Joey Harrington? Hes awful enough to be completely and absolutely terrible and yet just good enough that he wasnt replaced for far too long?
August 20th, 2008 at 03:12 am
mkrob - probably not fair to Leaf - he had a lot of tools. While brain has already been taken, for Leaf maybe temperament would be a better way to describe what was so awful about him.
Duzin - problem with Harrington is tough to quantify. What is the opposite of synergy? Take up any of the individual attributes and Harrington doesn't have any one that was really horrifically bad. But for some reason the add the combination together and you get a steaming pile. Whatever the hell "IT" is, anyone whose name doesn't rhyme with Batt Billen that almost instantly knew that Joey didn't have "IT."
August 20th, 2008 at 05:03 am
Hey TammyJean: Probably the same thing fat bitches get from watching a bunch of overpaid actors run around playing pretend; entertainment. At least athletes are actually there and DOING something.
August 20th, 2008 at 06:15 am
Cmon. Soul should be Peyton Manning.
Any old mediocre QB can be a leader to his team and pump up his receivers (you know...like Jon Kitna). It takes somebody SPECIAL to have the audacity to go out of his way to blame literally everyone else, from his defense, to his kicker, to his offensive line when something goes wrong.
And the legs should be Drew Bledsoe. Kurt Warner inspired his defense when he sucked it up and lobbed a perfect pass, knowing he was about to be levelled by pass-rushers in Super Bowl XXXIV. Drew Bledose pissed off Bill Parcells when he got levelled by pass-rushers and fumbled. Don't know the exact game for that one. There are plenty to choose from, though.
August 20th, 2008 at 06:12 pm
Actually, your prototypical crap QB is not Ryan Leaf, it's Kyle Orton.
September 23rd, 2008 at 12:04 am
how are you not using chad penningtons 12 year old like arm?
September 23rd, 2008 at 01:47 pm
Should have been Ryan Leaf's brain. That would have been the ultimate shitty quarterback. I bet you forgot that guy.
September 23rd, 2008 at 02:29 pm
Hi webmaster!
September 23rd, 2008 at 11:59 pm
VINCE YOUNGS BRAIN
January 2nd, 2009 at 01:37 pm
you forgot mouth, Matt Hasselbeck. "We want the ball and we're gonna win."
February 3rd, 2009 at 04:00 am
Mcnabbs stomach. Guy threw up during a possible game winning drive in the superbowl.
May 26th, 2009 at 09:14 am
you could've just saved a bunch of time and posted a picture of david carr. /shrug
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