Michael Phelps Will Bang The Gold Out Of You

Michael Phelps may have broken Mark Spitz's record of seven gold medals, but if there was a medal given for looking like a dude who could come to full erection and ejaculate in a room filled with a camera crew, then I think Spitz takes gold and never relenquishes.  Look at him up there on the right.  That's what people used to look like in the seventies.  If Spitz looked like that, then what the hell did porn stars look like?  Anyway, surprise surprise, Phelps is on the cover of Sports Illustrated.  Usmagazine.com reports:

Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps debuts his record-breaking eight gold medals on the new cover of Sports Illustrated (on stands Aug. 20).

The 23-year-old pays homage to Mark Spitz by draping the golds around his neck, just as Spitz did after he won seven golds in the 1972 Munich games.
I have to admit, I was watching those races like I was Phelp's 1950s  high school sweet heart and he was beating the shit out of some greaser who was spreading rumors about me not being a virgin.   Phelps kicked the ever loving shit out of people.  I felt like I was watching 300.  I was waiting for him to kick one of those french relay dudes into a dark pit or something during the medal ceremony.