Hearing celebrities make up fantastical excuses for their seedy problems should replace baseball as America's pastime. It's not a "meth bender," it's "exhaustion." It's not "peeing on a 15-year-old," it's "mistaken identity." And now David Duchovny's excuse for "being a good looking male celebrity who can put his dong in any woman he wants to, so he did" is "sex addicton."
Tea Leoni's husband, actor David Duchovny, has entered rehab for his sex addiction.
Duchovny, 48, said he did it voluntarily, in a statement released Thursday by his lawyer, Stanton Stein. He added: "I ask for respect and privacy for my wife and children as we deal with this situation as a family."
Sex addiction, huh. If that was a real addiction, every man in the world would have be crammed into these so-called "rehabs." But since the Leone/Duchovny's have a couple children, the real question is how do you go about explaining why Daddy's going away for a little while? I'm pretty sure it went a little like this:
Little Duchovny: Hey Dad. Why is your dong in that watermelon?
David: That's a good question, son. Well, you see, Daddy has a problem. Let me explain this to you.
Little Duchovny: OK, but your dong is in my ear now.
David: Really? Sorry, sometimes I don't even realize what I'm doing. See, Daddy has something called a sex addiction.
Little Duchovny: Can you take your dong out of the dog, Dad?
David: Sorry, sorry. OK, see, daddy has a very serious disease where he—
Little Duchovny: You just slammed the fridge door on your dong. Can you just explain this problem to me?
David: Oh God, that was great. OK, so yeah, I love jamming my dong into anything that moves...and some stuff that doesn't. So I'm going to be gone for a few weeks. But when Daddy comes back, he probably won't stick his dong in your ear anymore.
Sex Addiction is not funny. Really. One time in college I took some acid, and then right after that the party finished and everyone went home or to bed. Well, one of the drawbacks of doing acid by yourself is when everyone is sleeping you still have about another 5 hours of completely awake sensory overload and no one to hang out with. So anyway I laid in bed and masturbated about 15 times.
Do that and you will know the pain of sexual addiction.
Satyromania is real. If you're a guy & you're instantly dissatisfied after sex, no matter how much you have it or who you do it with. The best solution is to get castrated.
(5 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
August 28th, 2008 at 03:14 pm
Sex Addiction is not funny. Really. One time in college I took some acid, and then right after that the party finished and everyone went home or to bed. Well, one of the drawbacks of doing acid by yourself is when everyone is sleeping you still have about another 5 hours of completely awake sensory overload and no one to hang out with. So anyway I laid in bed and masturbated about 15 times.
Do that and you will know the pain of sexual addiction.
August 28th, 2008 at 06:59 pm
Buddy...i understand now you put it in those terms. I suppose your hands will never heal again. I'm sorry.
August 28th, 2008 at 10:18 pm
Hah!! I masturbate 15 times every morning before I even get out of bed.
September 1st, 2008 at 06:14 pm
oh yeah, well i masterbate 15 times every morning before I get out of bed... to Scully.
September 17th, 2008 at 05:01 am
Satyromania is real. If you're a guy & you're instantly dissatisfied after sex, no matter how much you have it or who you do it with. The best solution is to get castrated.
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