Moving sucks. If you ask me to help you this Saturday, here's 4 reasons why I'm not going to.
1. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT THAT WE WORK TOGETHER:
Just because we both like the same television show, and once in a while discuss one of it’s plot lines when our paths happen to cross in the break room, doesn’t mean I want to take a Saturday and carry your 37" tube TV up a flight of stairs. I don’t give a shit that you’re broke, I work at the same fucking company as you, I’m broke too. And don’t insult me by offering to buy me pizza. If I want pizza I’ll take nine dollars and buy some, and then eat while sitting down, instead of in between carrying boxes filled with your high school wrestling trophies into your new apartment.
2. YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME
You know how I know you’re never going to have sex with me? Because if I show up to help you move, there’s going to be seven other dudes helping you move, none of which have ever had sex with you. I know, I know, you think I’m “hilarious.” You told me that earlier today, several hours before you asked me “hey, what are you doing this Saturday, I sorta needed help moving a couple things.” Don’t worry, I’ll still laugh at your jokes and pretend to find your stories about the innocuous shit you do, interesting. But just because there's an off-chance our paths might cross at a bar when you’re incredibly wasted and ready to do something you’ll definitely regret.
3. BECAUSE IT'S MY TRUCK. NOT YOUR TRUCK.
That’s right, I do drive a truck! I’m really glad you think it’ll be “no problem” to load a couch and two mattresses into the back of it if we “tie them down.” Last I checked, you weren’t a seasoned naval sea captain capable of tying a knot that’s required to hold down 3000 pounds of furniture in the back of an automobile you requested move at 80 miles per hour because you’d “be stoked if we finished before sunset.” They make vehicles for moving. They’re called “moving vans.” I realize they cost money, but you could take the money you said you were going to pay me for gas, that you just happen to not have on you, and use it to rent one.
4. YOU'RE FRIENDS WITH MY GIRLFRIEND, NOT ME
I have never once called you on the phone, and the only time I saw you without my girlfriend is when I ran into you at the grocery store. And even then, the first thing you asked me was where my girlfriend was. Then we stood in awkward silence for a few seconds and pretended to have something else in common. And since we’re not friends, I have no obligation to help you move and in fact, am allowed to have the same reaction I would have if a random person on the street asked me. "What? You want me to what? Um, I think you must think I’m someone else. I have to go now. You're fucking weird.”
I agree with OMG and Mac. I had the pleasure of showing up to help a work quasi-friend move once to find that he hadn't packed up a single thing. I left him standing in his driveway and didn't feel the least bit bad about it. If you're that ignorant, you deserve to be in my rearview mirror with a dumb look on your face.
Helping a woman move is nothing but annoying. You and three other suckers, who weren't smart enough to lie about having plans this weekend, wind up moving the Smithsonian while she stands there with a drink in her hand directing traffic because she hasn't lifted anything over 3 lbs in her whole life and isn't about to start now. You get sniped at for not treating a box of bath towels like it's an ancient Chinese vase, everything has to be in its special little place in the truck, and you won't get so much as a pretzel for your effort. Thanks, I didn't need a can of Coke for loading and unloading your entire life's collection of junk.
I don't have a problem with helping people move if it's actually just putting the ALREADY packed boxes into the car and unloading them at their new place. That's where it starts and ends. I'm not helping you pack or unpack.
Mac... Did you and I help the same people move? You are mistaken about the not being packed thing, they did have that one small box with their shampoo and toothbrush "packed" in it.
Being the only 'help' to show up & finding you not packed & only having garbage bags for the job is no longer cute. Then, you have no idea how to move a sleeper sofa & side-by-side refrigerator through umpteen doorways & the "couple of" flight of stairs. Hire some new friends. Been through this freebie routine enough times.
I have to agree with Pratik. I have helped a lot of friends move in/out and only once have they failed to provide beer or helped me move the next month or something of that nature. If everyone were as bitter and selfish as this author it would be a stressful fucking world to live in.
I am moving next weekend and I need your help. You don't work with me, your not friends with my girlfriend, I can use my truck, and you might have sex with someone else helping move.
(17 Comments)
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October 28th, 2008 at 03:04 am
I agree with OMG and Mac. I had the pleasure of showing up to help a work quasi-friend move once to find that he hadn't packed up a single thing. I left him standing in his driveway and didn't feel the least bit bad about it. If you're that ignorant, you deserve to be in my rearview mirror with a dumb look on your face.
Helping a woman move is nothing but annoying. You and three other suckers, who weren't smart enough to lie about having plans this weekend, wind up moving the Smithsonian while she stands there with a drink in her hand directing traffic because she hasn't lifted anything over 3 lbs in her whole life and isn't about to start now. You get sniped at for not treating a box of bath towels like it's an ancient Chinese vase, everything has to be in its special little place in the truck, and you won't get so much as a pretzel for your effort. Thanks, I didn't need a can of Coke for loading and unloading your entire life's collection of junk.
October 22nd, 2008 at 02:41 am
I don't have a problem with helping people move if it's actually just putting the ALREADY packed boxes into the car and unloading them at their new place. That's where it starts and ends. I'm not helping you pack or unpack.
October 21st, 2008 at 10:53 pm
“you have mouth and should give me a BJ.”
Spactacular
October 20th, 2008 at 08:01 pm
Mac... Did you and I help the same people move? You are mistaken about the not being packed thing, they did have that one small box with their shampoo and toothbrush "packed" in it.
October 20th, 2008 at 05:15 pm
Being the only 'help' to show up & finding you not packed & only having garbage bags for the job is no longer cute. Then, you have no idea how to move a sleeper sofa & side-by-side refrigerator through umpteen doorways & the "couple of" flight of stairs. Hire some new friends. Been through this freebie routine enough times.
October 17th, 2008 at 11:26 pm
HAHAHAH yes!
October 16th, 2008 at 01:37 pm
whoops sorry for the double submit
October 15th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
definitely hilarious. i was expecting to see excuses but these are just solid-gold reasons.
October 15th, 2008 at 10:14 pm
definitely hilarious! i was expecting to see some excuses but these are just 4 solid gold reasons.
October 15th, 2008 at 07:49 pm
"Oh my GOD, people. This is hilarious. Lighten up."
Totally.
October 15th, 2008 at 05:48 pm
Oh my GOD, people. This is hilarious. Lighten up.
October 15th, 2008 at 05:04 pm
What an asshole, just go help the poor guy move. Instead you're gona bitch and complain about it and write a fuckin article? Quit bein lazy.
October 15th, 2008 at 03:59 pm
"You have a pickup truck and should help me move" is most easily countered with "you have mouth and should give me a BJ."
October 15th, 2008 at 02:49 pm
I have to agree with Pratik. I have helped a lot of friends move in/out and only once have they failed to provide beer or helped me move the next month or something of that nature. If everyone were as bitter and selfish as this author it would be a stressful fucking world to live in.
October 15th, 2008 at 05:43 am
it' almost laundry day and I'm out of quarters! send me a goddamn t-shirt!
October 14th, 2008 at 11:51 pm
Wow... someone's bitter.
October 14th, 2008 at 11:05 pm
I am moving next weekend and I need your help. You don't work with me, your not friends with my girlfriend, I can use my truck, and you might have sex with someone else helping move.