4 Reasons Your Parents Divorce Was Your Fault

When your parents get divorced, they’re quick to tell you “it’s not your fault, mommy and daddy just grew apart.” We’re here to tell you it probably was your fault. Here’s 4 reasons why.

1. You Did A Bunch Of Stupid Shit That They Blame Each Other For

Children are like their parents' tiny ambassadors. When you shit your pants during third grade home room, it looks to others like your parents encourage and accept that shitting your pants in public situations is a behavior they find acceptable. This causes your parents to become embarrassed and question their methods. But since human beings are narcissistic, they’re naturally going to try and blame someone else, i.e. the other parent, prompting conversations such as this one: “I don’t know Stan, he never shits his pants when he’s with me.” “What are you trying to say? I let him shit his pants when he’s with me?” “Stan, I’m just saying, he doesn’t with me, that’s all I’m saying.” “Oh! Okay! That’s all your saying? Well, all I’M saying is I’m tired of your mom visiting every fucking weekend. That’s all I’M saying.”

2. You Cost Money

Children are like little Paris Hiltons; if they see something that’s shiny, they cry until you buy it for them, and once you do, they just take it and shove it in their asshole. Money is one of the largest causes of stress. And since kids cost an insane amount of money, you have to work more. Which causes more stress. And since you can’t come home and bitch to a eight year old about how much it pisses you off that Hal from accounting took a personal day when he was supposed to turn in a report for you, you have to bitch to your spouse. After about a year of that, you start to tell your spouse about your shitty day and they respond “Yeah, your jobs shitty. I get it. You should just quit.” “Maybe I will quit. Then we’ll be homeless.” “Fine, maybe then my cardboard box will be far enough away from yours to not have to hear you bitch about who took the spot in the fridge where you always put your lunch.”

3. It’s Really Hard To Have Sex When A Small Child Is Nearby

Sex is an incredibly important part of any healthy marriage. But it’s really hard to get an erection when you hear a knock on the door followed by the voice of a seven year old child repeating “Mom, can I spend the night at Billy Anderson's house? Hello? MOM! CAN I SPEND THE NIGHT AT BILLY ANDERSON'S HOUSE?!” until you answer. Thus, if you want to have sex and you’re a parent, you have to hide from your kids and be incredibly quiet, like you’re Anne Frank and they’re little tiny Nazis. And when you’re not having sex, you start to seeing and creating problems in the relationship you wouldn’t normally if you were sexually active. Eventually your drive each other crazy with conversations like this: “Why don’t you use a salad fork when you eat salad?” “I don’t know, I just use whatever fork is in front of me.” “Why do you think I put out two forks? Because I want to? Because it’s a fun game I play?”

4. You Love One More Than The Other One

Even though you probably didn’t come out and say you love mommy more than daddy, or vice versa, it’s pretty apparent when one of them tells you “I have a big day planned for just you and me!” and you respond with “Is mommy coming too?”, then when they say “no, it’s just a you and daddy day!” you burst into tears. You don’t realize it, but those tears say “Daddy and Mommy, I would like you to both enter in to a competition for my love. Right now mommy is winning handily. Good luck to both of you.”