If States Had An Official State Person

There's state birds, state flowers, even state trees. So we figured, why not give some states their own official "State Person" Here's a few.

CALIFORNIA

The Southern California Shaded Douchebag
(vneckus shirti gigantorum sunglassus)

Diet: Pinkberry, Sushi, Organic Tofu

Living Conditions: The shaded douchebag is normally found traveling in packs, praying upon females who have migrated towards southern California in hopes of acting work.

Fun Fact: The shaded douchebag, when confronted by another male, will puff his chest out to reveal his pectoral muscles which he spends an extraordinary amount of time sculpting. If the challenging male continues to threaten the creature, it will respond by yelling out a call of “What do you want to do bro? What do you want to do?” which alerts other shaded douchebags that one of their species is in trouble.

NEVADA

The Rough-Faced Streetwalker
(fuckus payfirsti)

Diet: Cocaine, Alcohol, Money, Cock

Living Conditions: The Rough Faced Streetwalker of the Las Vegas region of Nevada tends to live a solitary life, although, for the right price, they will work in pairs for short durations. Their insatiable appetite for cocaine often exhausts their resources, leaving most Rough Faced Streetwalkers unable to afford anything but the most substandard living conditions.

Fun Fact: The Rough Faced Streetwalker is one of the few species to have established a symbiotic relationship with another local species, Pornadus Flippus, also known as The Mexican Escort Service Business Card Passer-Outer, a native species exclusive to the Las Vegas area. Using well-choreographed clicking sounds produced with escort business cards (and their sheer strength in numbers), Pornadus Flippus drives prey to the Streetwalker who, in return, rewards him with a percentage of money, cocaine, and/or mating rituals.

ARKANSAS

Three-Fingered Inbred Of The Ozarks
(parentus arecousinsium)

Diet: Lizards, grubs and berries, spam

Living Conditions: The Three Fingered Inbred has a fear of bathing, thus chooses domiciles high in the mountains of the Ozarks, where running water is scarce. Simple creatures, they choose to live together in small cramped, wooden spaces, where they hoard parts from automobiles that have died on the nearby highways.

Fun Fact: Because they put a high value on their own species, they refuse to mate with anyone outside of their gene pool, and especially detest those who come from heavily populated areas where bathrooms have doors. Unfortunately, because of this, their young tend to be born missing vital appendages as well as a limited mental capacity that causes them to have difficulty eating peanut butter, which they refer to as ‘evil jew food.”

NEW YORK

The Manhattan Spotted Fragile Jew
(wheezicus yarmulke)

Diet: Pastrami sandwiches, matzo, gafiltafish (but only if it’s fresh. Is this fresh? When was it delivered? Because I once had a piece of gafiltafish that had gone bad and I tell you, I was sick for weeks. Weeks!)

Living Conditions: The spotted Jew can be found in the areas upper of Manhattan complaining about the areas of upper Manhattan.

Fun Fact: The Fragile Jew is usually too scared to venture outdoors for fear of anything from “germs” to “those bicyclists that don’t look where they’re going. I swear one almost ran me over the other day. They just don’t care what happens to anybody at all. They should be convicted for murder those people. Ugh.”

TEXAS

The San Antonio Fatty Blowhard
(smellsliki sweatinutsackium)

Diet: Large mammals, butter

Living Conditions: The fatty blowhard usually stays indoors, as the large layer of blubber that covers his skeleton prevents him from spending much time in the hot Texas weather.

Fun Fact: If you listen closely on a quiet Texas night, you can hear the fatty blowhard bellow out its call of “Look at you,you son of a bitch!” This call is the way in which the fatty blowhard welcomes another fatty blowhard that has come to join him at their local watering hole.

OHIO

The Ohio Undecided Voter
(makeupus yourfuckingmindus)

Diet: Taco Bell, Arby's, Stuffed-Crust Pizza from Pasta Hut

Living Conditions: Normally makes its home in suburban areas, where its not forced to inform itself about areas outside of the place where it lives. This unfortunately causes it to be incredibly confused when choosing a leader for its pack, as its unfamiliar with the choices or the problems facing its species.

Fun Fact: Though seemingly quiet creatures, they lavish the attention given to them due to their inability to make up their mind. Often times you will see video footage of them on news outlets, looking confused and out of place.

FLORIDA

The South Florida Agitated Retiree
(complainus nonstopyxx)

Diet: bland plants that don’t excite it’s delicate stomach (usually around 4:30 p.m.)

Living Conditions: The agitated retiree is one of the few creatures that, although it lives in close quarters with others of its species, rarely interacts with anyone but its mate due to its unfriendly demeanor. Although occasionally it will come in contact with one of its offspring, the offspring usually leave quite quickly as the agitated retiree makes a point to let them know its unhappy with the manner in which they live in the ecosystem.

Fun Fact: This creature retires to a sleeping area sometimes before the sun has even gone down. If you happen to come across one that is sleeping and awaken it, it will awake incredibly confused and agitated and potentially defecate upon itself.

OREGON

The Treehugging Second-Generation Hippie
(birkenstockwearinus potheadumis)

Diet:  Granola, Mushrooms, Wheat Grass

Living Conditions: The “treehugger”, as it is commonly known, is fairly nomadic, though most tend to establish a primary home. Treehuggers tend to travel in pairs or small groups and are found in forested areas, often having chained themselves to trees as a means of protecting their habitat.

Fun Fact: While it is generally considered a docile species, Treehuggers have been known to attack tourists and other outsiders with a ruthless barrage on environmental protection propoganda. The signature cry of “Hey, man! You’re raping Mother Earth!” acts as a signal for other Treehuggers to join in on the attack. While an individual Treehugger is practically harmless, an excited horde of Treehuggers can cause severe damage to anything non-living.

MASSACHUSETTS

The Ruddy Coastal Elitist
(whiticus palicus gradstudentorum)

Diet: any food from other countries in an attempt to appear more worldly

Living Conditions: When not found in a small, but well-furnished dorm room wearing oversized sweatshirts, the Coastal Elitist can be heard expounding with great confidence on topics that he or she has no understanding of.

Fun Fact: The Coastal Elitist relies upon its parents for nourishment until the age of 35, at which point it waits for the death of an elderly relative so that it can feed off his remains.