There are a lot of "dos" and "don'ts" during sexual encounters that most people have little trouble following. (Do insert your penis. Don't sneeze during intercourse.) But some types of people, on the other hand, always do something that screws up the whole thing. Here are nine of them.
9. The Over-Attentive Waiter
“How’s everthing? Good? Am I putting too much weight on you? Is this position okay? Oh, are you okay or did you make that noise because you like that?” It’s fantastic that you care so much about your partner's enjoyment, but when you feel the need to check in every time you move your genitals, it starts to take a hot situation and make it feel like you’re a waiter trying to butter them up for a 20% tip because rent's due tomorrow. Just check in at necessary times and if they want dessert, they’ll order it.
8. She Who Keeps Cats in the Room
Here’s a complete list of things cats give a shit about: Cats. Therefore, they don’t care that you’re sharing an intimate moment with a man, they want you to pay attention to them, so they start meowing or positioning themselves so that you’re the only thing they can see. And although you’re not bothered by your cats, the guy on top of you might be a little creeped out that Mittens has decided to engage him in a staring contest, first one to lose an erection wins.
7. The Guy that Answers Rhetorical Dirty Talk Questions with Serious
Responses
Dirty talk is like playing in a coed softball league: it’s a fun activity, but if you take it too seriously, you look like an asshole. Dirty talk questions are part of a fantasy that makes sex hotter. Therefore when a woman asks you five times in a row, “How do you make me so wet?” and you give a real world answer like, “I don’t know, maybe the angle.” And even though you whispered it in your sexy voice, it’s a real answer and thus, kills the mood.
6. The Person Who Doesn’t Turn Off Their Cell Phone
When you have an erect penis, or a stimulated vagina, the last thing you want to hear is a midi version of Fleetwood Mac’s “Landslide.” Cell phone rings are intended to get your attention, that’s their job, so leaving one on while you have sex is basically the same as bringing your mother into the room and asking her to scream, “Hey! I have important news about your cousin, Kyle! He got into Brandeis!” over and over again while you try to reach orgasm. Which you would never do, unless you were German.
5. The Screamer
On the surface, a woman who's so totally into and is screaming sounds like a great sexual experience. But in actuality, it's more terrifying than hot when you stick your penis inside a woman and she starts screaming like a hyena trying to locate its young. The only thing going through your mind is, "Are the neighbors going to call the cops? Do they think I'm killing her? Is she faking this? Is there something wrong with my penis? Is she enjoying this? Is she terrified? Are the cops about to kick in my door? Shut up, please. Oh my God, I'm going to go to jail. Jesus Christ, will you just be quiet for a second?"
4. The Guy Who Learned All His Bedroom Moves From Early ‘90s Slow Jams
If you were a boy born in the 70s, then you probably went through a phase of listening to “slow jams” by guys like Al B. Sure and Keith Sweat who said exactly what they were doing to a woman as they were doing it to her. But in real life, no woman wants to have some dude try to be really deep and stare at her straight in the eyes as he says, “I am laying you down on a bed of the finest red roses by candle light, drawing you a bath of organically grown herbs to relieve you of the day’s most tiring troubles. Now I’m performing an ancient love ritual of yoga body bends before rubbing my lotions all over naked, quivering back.” While most ladies like a little romance, they don’t want a Joe Buck-style play-by-play before, during and after intercourse.
3. The Cryer
Sex can be emotional, sure, but penises aren’t able to tell the difference between tears of joy, and tears of fear or sadness. And fear and sadness kill boners like they were trained to do so in a secret C.I.A. program. And if you’re a man and you start crying during sex, the first thing your lady is going to think is “a priest and/or uncle has been here before me.” Pedophilia kills the mood for everyone but pedophiles.
2. Mr. Hold On Let Me Put On This Dave Matthews Album
It’s great to create an atmosphere that’s conducive to love making, but running over to your computer and tossing on your “Pussy Rock Jams 2007” immediately makes your special lady feel like she’s at her junior prom and you’ve been waiting since first grade to touch her breasts. Plus, pussy rock is like Nazism, you either really like, or you really don’t. And if she’s one who doesn’t, then all she’s going to be thinking about is ”how in the fuck can he like this shit.” Which will dry up her vagina faster than any shammy ever offered on a late night infomercial.
1. Mr. I Go Straight for the Vagina
Vaginas are like your roommates Pringles; meant to be shared, but never opened unless you ask first. Listen, women want you to ultimately put your penis inside them, that’s why they’ve gotten naked with you. But jamming your hand down there says to them “It is not a matter of consequence to me whether or not you enjoy the sexual intercourse we’re about to have.” Surprisingly, when you only care about ejaculating on them or in them, it’s a pretty large turn-off.
Great list. Although, you forgot the girl who always requires at least an hour of foreplay and by the time you're done you wish you had just stayed home and masturbated.
When I got to the last picture, my coworker's overly smelly beef stew was heating in the microwave and I wondered how Holytaco was able to make the stink in the picture come through my browser.
This list could easily be the 20 People Who Kill The Mood During Sex...
10 - The inresponsible - make no noise - make no moves like mummies...
11 - etc..
What about when the chick is riding you, and suddenly starts having a serious conversation with you WHILE you are still inside of her? She's like "so where do you think this is going" or "I can't wait for you to meet my grandparents," and you know the next thing you say will determine whether she stays on or not.
First of all, how do you maintain a hard-on when this happens?
Second, your brain is on cloud nine and suddenly you get snapped back into reality so hard that your psyche needs one of those neck braces they use for whiplash victims.
Third, it's like she's holding your orgasm for ransom. Her demands are simple: say what she wants to hear in such as way that it won't set off her bullshit detector.
I don't know what all the guys above are complaining about the women for cause what about the guys who finish in less than 2 minutes, then us girls have to get the fantastic plastic out to finish what he couldn't ! LOL
Maybe add a little 4play to the arena, tell him to go a little slower, maybe have him use ur plastic on you, then after you finish, he will, and your both satisfied.
oh yeah the 2 min guys umm drinking alcho or smoking dope is good it helps last things, + usually go down and eat there taco out and they'll be happy to do anything for you after that :P so it just eliminates all the obstacles, have a theory this post was written by a virgin lol nvm
Oh my god the cat people I can't stand or in my case the girl I was with had two little dogs I dont know what kind but her bed always had hair in it and she would yell at them to get down and have to put them in their cage. The worst absolute worst turn off is when I had a leg dangling off the bed and the damn dog would bite it. Total turn off. I rather have called up some female escorts then gone back there.
(26 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
October 28th, 2008 at 02:23 pm
What about she who says, "but you don't really like me..." or various other bumming-out claims
October 28th, 2008 at 02:49 pm
Best list ever!
“I don’t know, maybe the angle.” had me lauging so hard my coworkers gave me odd looks.
October 28th, 2008 at 03:30 pm
Great list. Although, you forgot the girl who always requires at least an hour of foreplay and by the time you're done you wish you had just stayed home and masturbated.
October 28th, 2008 at 03:31 pm
When I got to the last picture, my coworker's overly smelly beef stew was heating in the microwave and I wondered how Holytaco was able to make the stink in the picture come through my browser.
October 28th, 2008 at 03:36 pm
Do dogs count for number 8?
October 28th, 2008 at 04:56 pm
This list could easily be the 20 People Who Kill The Mood During Sex...
10 - The inresponsible - make no noise - make no moves like mummies...
11 - etc..
October 28th, 2008 at 05:24 pm
You forgot the chick who just lays there and dont do shit.
October 28th, 2008 at 05:37 pm
Seth, refer to the comment above yours.
October 28th, 2008 at 05:39 pm
Replace cat with any number of annoying creatures... small yappy shivering hairless dogs, screeching parrots, children.
Oh and the unshaven pussy hair that is long enough to do a comb over.
And yelling out the wrong name is always fun.
October 30th, 2008 at 02:53 am
What about when the chick is riding you, and suddenly starts having a serious conversation with you WHILE you are still inside of her? She's like "so where do you think this is going" or "I can't wait for you to meet my grandparents," and you know the next thing you say will determine whether she stays on or not.
First of all, how do you maintain a hard-on when this happens?
Second, your brain is on cloud nine and suddenly you get snapped back into reality so hard that your psyche needs one of those neck braces they use for whiplash victims.
Third, it's like she's holding your orgasm for ransom. Her demands are simple: say what she wants to hear in such as way that it won't set off her bullshit detector.
October 30th, 2008 at 10:23 am
Dude, your new site erased my comment. That's grimey shit, maybe your LOLcats technician ate it.
November 1st, 2008 at 01:25 am
Hot Facts! Did you know this about sex?
The 1st kind of sex is called: Scurf Sex This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
What Kind of Sex Are You Having?
November 1st, 2008 at 06:07 pm
#5...yea..with roommates the worst thing EVER!
November 1st, 2008 at 07:07 pm
I don't know what all the guys above are complaining about the women for cause what about the guys who finish in less than 2 minutes, then us girls have to get the fantastic plastic out to finish what he couldn't ! LOL
February 18th, 2009 at 10:19 am
Maybe add a little 4play to the arena, tell him to go a little slower, maybe have him use ur plastic on you, then after you finish, he will, and your both satisfied.
February 6th, 2009 at 02:25 pm
Nice post thanks for the information, keep it.
Greetings!
February 9th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
thank you.
February 9th, 2009 at 11:38 pm
Thanks a lot for the tips................!
i will keep visit your blog later again........!
February 9th, 2009 at 11:51 pm
thank you.
February 9th, 2009 at 11:49 pm
thank you.
February 12th, 2009 at 02:29 am
nice information.. good to read..
Good Luck.
February 16th, 2009 at 05:40 am
thanx
February 19th, 2009 at 11:54 am
but going straight for the vag when ur kissing is awesome, it gets them all lubed up ready for you to whip out mr wonder and dive dive dive !!!!!
February 19th, 2009 at 11:55 am
oh yeah the 2 min guys umm drinking alcho or smoking dope is good it helps last things, + usually go down and eat there taco out and they'll be happy to do anything for you after that :P so it just eliminates all the obstacles, have a theory this post was written by a virgin lol nvm
July 6th, 2009 at 08:51 am
Oh my god the cat people I can't stand or in my case the girl I was with had two little dogs I dont know what kind but her bed always had hair in it and she would yell at them to get down and have to put them in their cage. The worst absolute worst turn off is when I had a leg dangling off the bed and the damn dog would bite it. Total turn off. I rather have called up some female escorts then gone back there.
August 13th, 2009 at 04:52 am
Farting kills the mood more than all of these put together.
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