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2009 Douchebag Tournament Round 1, Day 3

Welcome to day three of HolyTaco’s 2009 Douchebag Tournament. Before we get to today’s matchups, here are the results from yesterday’s games.
Much like the second round of the NCAA tournament, there were some huge upsets during day two’s games. In what seemed to be a concerted effort, The Shamwow Guy demolished Joaquin Phoenix, Michael Moore took down Dubya and Glenn Beck moved on to the next round while Rod "Blago" Blagojevich went home.
And now, onto day three’s match-ups. Voting ends Monday March 24th at 12:00 noon EST. Results will be posted shortly after voting ends.
Vote on who’s the bigger douche.
(3) Octo-Mom
What Makes Her A Douchebag:
Being a poor, uneducated weirdo living out some insane celebutard fantasy doesn’t make you a douchebag. Taking 14 kids down with you, on the other hand, does.
(14) Dane Cook
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
Dane Cook’s unfunny brand of comedy and oversized ego has put him in the douchebag Hall of Fame for a few years now. We get it, you can make frat dudes and moms laugh at your stories about the time your dad farted in front of your first girlfriend. But maybe you can tell a different story now? Like, maybe a funny one.
 (Note: Voting results are slightly delayed.)
(3) Skip Bayless
 What Makes Him A Douchebag:
Skip’s high-pitched, whiny voice makes everything he says sound like a 10-year-old girl who’s throwing a tantrum because her mommy took her candy away. He shouldn’t be talking about sports. He should be talking about My Little Pony or Barbie or getting his period.
(14) Sean Avery
 What Makes Him A Douchebag:
When he’s not trying to screen goalies in the lamest way possible (by standing in front of them and waving his arms like he’s trying to fly) he’s hitting on Paris Hilton (and failing). And if that’s not enough, he was suspended by the NHL for making his infamous "sloppy seconds" comment. Since he didn’t really do anything illegal, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman basically suspended him for being a douchebag.
 (Note: Voting results are slightly delayed.)
(3) Joe The Plumber
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
As a completely unknown nobody from Nowheresville, Joe the Plumber had a perfect opportunity to present himself as a normal, everyday guy. In fact, it would have been to his (and his backing political party’s) advantage to do exactly that. Instead, every televised interview with Joe the Plumber felt like a highlight from the life of Maury Povich and Fox News’s illegitimate love child.  Sure, Joe didn’t willingly throw himself into the political and media limelight for a few embarrassing weeks, but he also never said “Hey, I’m just a plumber who’s, for the most part, pretty politically incompetent and narrow-minded. Perhaps you should exhault someone who actually deserves it”, and that makes him a douchebag in our books.

(14) Al Sharpton
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
If the entire African-American population of the U.S. was a shark, Al Sharpton would be its Lamprey, the tiny, parasitic fish that follows it around, constantly eating all the garbage off of it. We’re sure Sharpton had good intentions in the beginning, but at this point he’s an opportunist. Some people would even go so far as to say that if African-Americans had no problems, then Al Sharpton would be out of business, and therefore he’s turned to making little issues into big ones so that he won’t seem expendible.  Some people say that, but not us. We just say he’s a douchebag.
 (Note: Voting results are slightly delayed.)
(3) Rick Santelli
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
Another hypocrite CNBC anchor who wont stop screaming that the Obama administration isn’t listening to his expert advice. The same expert advice that was not able to predict the largest financial collapse the world has seen since the Great Depression. Rick also made a huge unnecessary hoopla when the White House press secretary said “we know where he lives”. Cool it bro, I don’t think the white house is actually gonna put a hit out on some loser money reporter from a network no one watches.
(14) Joe Francis
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
He’s made over $500 million off dumb drunk sluts showing their boobs in an act of rebellion against their parents. We have absolutely no problem with that. In fact we think that’s just terrific. However, just because you made a fortune off soft core porn doesn’t mean you have to act exactly like a guy who made a fortune off soft core porn. He had every opportunity to be a cool dude who kept quiet and minded his own business. Instead he started putting himself in his own infomercials and ran around acting like even if he didn’t have $1000 cash, a private jet and a kilo of coke all those slutty girls and celebs like Paris Hilton would still be his friend.
 (Note: Voting results are slightly delayed.)
(6) Heidi and Spencer
 What Makes Them Douchebags:
They’ve achieved the impossible; famous solely for being douchey.  Their day consists of staring at each other and saying meaningless sentences for hours on end, but instead of being considered retarded, and made to take special classes and wear jackets with their names on the back, they’re paid millions of dollars. 
(11) Perez Hilton
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
He spends his days making up gay rumors about celebrities, then attending award shows at night and pretending to be annoyed when reporters ask him questions.  His blog is basically just a series of pictures with shitty finger painting on them, followed by two paragraphs that seem to be written like a fourth grade child who moved here from Vietnam.  
 (Note: Voting results are slightly delayed.)
(6) Kobe Bryant
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
Kobe bitched and whined about playing with Shaquille o’neal, then shaquille left and kobe bitched and whined that the lakers wouldn’t give him anyone to play with.  Then, to top it all off, he cheated on his wife, and when confronted, decided to throw Shaq under the bus and rat on him for being a cheater.  If his penis and balls could be revoked, men everywhere would have done so. 
(11) Mark Cuban
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
It’s to the point now where you can’t go five days without hearing Mark Cuban bitch about something in the NBA.  The Mavericks had their shot, and they blew it, probably because one game into the finals he appeared on Letterman as if Dirk Nowitzki had raised his German hands above his head and hoisted the trophy already.  A week later the Maverick’s had lost.  Probably the douchiest arrow in Cuban’s quiver is the blog he writes, which consists of him whining about each and every thing that doesn’t go his way.  It’s tough being really rich.
 (Note: Voting results are slightly delayed.)
(6) Jesse Jackson
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
After saying he wanted to turn Barack "from a rooster to hen with one slice of a blade" months before the election, Jackson was seen crying like a baby for the cameras at Obama’s inauguration. Do you want to cut Barack’s balls off or do you want to blow him? Make up your mind, douche.
(11) Ted Stevens
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
This Alaskan Senator accepted over $250,000 from an oil company for "cabin renovations" and didn’t think he did anything wrong. The courts disagreed and found him guilty on seven counts of corruption charges.
 (Note: Voting results are slightly delayed.)
(6) Angelo Mozilo (CEO of Countrywide)
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
This dude is as dumb as he is Orange. In May 2008 he made fun of a customer under mortgage stress and instead of forwarding the letter to his staff, he hit reply all” and responded directly to the customer by basically calling him a retard. And now, while the rest of the country is flat broke and foreclosing on their homes, Angelo is worth around a billion dollars.
(11) Erik Prince (CEO of Blackwater)
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
How did Erik Prince’s dad make billions of dollars? He invented the compact mirror that is in the visor of every car. And what did Erik do with the billions he inherited? Somehow he was able to start his own freaking army. Blackwater is the largest private army in the world and it’s controlled by a born-again Christian rich kid. Blackwater associates in Iraq have gotten into countless situations where women, children and civilians have ended up mysteriously dead and no one can do anything about it. They have since been completely banned from operating in Iraq forever.
 (Note: Voting results are slightly delayed.)

69 Responses to "2009 Douchebag Tournament Round 1, Day 3"

  1. Anonymous says:

    vote for them all!!! they’re all camel raping douchebags!

  2. Brendon says:

    You sir are one depraved individual

  3. warvette says:

    Octo-womb in a LANDSLIDE!

  4. ?K9S#} says:

    Oh no, W. didn’t make the cut. Guess we’ll start to hear the fuckface liberals whine now til this is over.

  5. FMC says:

    this guy gets nominated for next years tourney

  6. Jeff says:

    You hate someone for being accused of something? Shouldn’t you wait until the person is proven guilty first?

  7. greg says:

    How did mark cuban and and kobe bryant get in this neither are douches

  8. Anonymous says:

    No probs on W. there’s no point in making fun of the mentally retarded.

  9. P220 says:

    word to your mother

  10. Anonymous says:

    6 months from now, nobody will even remember octomom, but Dane Cook will still be douching it up on stage somewhere amusing a bunch of fucking retards. THINK BEFORE YOU VOTE YOU FUCKING DOUCHEBAGS!

  11. Fred Balsagna says:

    So help me I will post on here about how you were caught by Mom whacking off to pictures of Obama from People magazine.
    Oops too late.

  12. Anonymous says:

    who the fuck are heidi and spencer?

  13. Dirk Digler says:

    Octomom should win this thing hands down

  14. Anony mous says:

    Muslims, Christians, Hindus they’re all the same stupid shit. They all worship the same god anyway, the one that doesn’t exist.

  15. KingOfDaCastle says:

    I concur. The only way it could get better, is to have your own army and scoff at the less fortunate.

  16. Anonymous says:

    and look at him in the picture. He has the look that says, “I don’t care if I’m in your douchebag tournament, but if you vote for me I’m gonna send my mercenary army to kill you. And they may rape your sister. And they may fuck your dog.”

  17. Anonymous says:

    Good point, but the problem with voting for octomom is that 14 of her 15 minutes are up. She may even be largely forgotten by the end of the tournament.

  18. KTFO says:

    I have to say that the posters on this site have their fingers on the pulse of douchebaggery in this country, the voting in my opinion is dead on. On a side note I would like to pick octo-cunt as my dark horse to win the whole shibang.

  19. Anonymous says:

    as opposed to Gleeker?

  20. Anonymous says:

    How in hell is Erik Prince losing this? He’s a messianic douchebag. That means, a douchebag who thinks he’s Jesus or maybe Jesus’ best friend to whom the Saviour relies upon when it’s time for personal cleansing.

    Jeremy Scahill’s book “Blackwater” is mandatory reading for journalism undergrads on how to make public douchebags reveal their secret identities. Mostly, you quote them. The vinegar and water will flow freely onto the public’s face. And hey, American taxpayer? You funded Prince’s army of Rapture-provoking lunatics (maybe that’s redundant?) Awesome!

  21. Small weiner boy says:

    Anonymous: You’re name rims ass. How long did it take you to brainstorm and fall back on that? That’s what you are all right, anonymous, and that’s how you’ll live. Nobody will ever know or care about you. You will die in an old folks home by yourself. Not even the nurses who change your very adult diapers will remember you after. They will clean your feces stained sheets with the best lemon scented washing detergent and it will still kind of show as an outline of light tan on the white linen. That will be the legacy you left for the world…..an outline of poo on a bed sheet.

  22. Louis DeSantis says:

    fuck holytaco

  23. Louis DeSantis says:

    holytaco rocks

  24. Louis DeSantis says:

    funny shit

  25. warvette says:

    I’ve got Octo-mom beating AIG in the final. Use your brains, people- this is important.

  26. Steven says:

    Dane Cook should win….what a fucking douche….

  27. Anonymous says:

    I hear that!!

  28. Anonymous says:

    heidi and spencer are losing?

  29. Hottub Whacker says:

    I can’t breathe I’m laughing so hard at the bedsheet visual.

  30. Harry Balsagna says:

    sounds like only you complaining douchebag, always trying to blame someone else, true republican!

  31. Anony mous says:

    No, you’re right. Bush is more of a mass murderer, war criminal, asshole than a typical douchebag. BTW, how did the nazi pope stay off the list?

  32. Kelliente says:

    Don’t forget about Sean Avery’s appreciation for fine, luxury womens handbags… and dolls. http://bit.ly/1A3eFw
    GOD what a fucking douche.

  33. Anonymous says:

    Erik Prince has his own mercenary army? This guy should be in the 2009 badass tournament!

  34. Ookla the Mok says:

    Longevity of douchey reputation does not diminish how much of a clumpy, red-hot douche someone is in the “now”.

    …and 8mom is 5 stars of annoying, right now.

    I voted for her but immediately felt I may have been in error. While I do think she qualifies as a douchebag, alot of what she has going on is a trail-mix of ignoble qualities. Like a pushy shopper at a big sale who also has rich B.O. and parked taking up two spaces.

    I would throw the life preserver overboard to Dane …. but I think he just might be the more pure douchebag, though not as annoying as the 8mom. Regardless, its close.

  35. Anonymous says:

    Heidi/spencer vs Perez Hilton and Dane Cook vs Octa-mom. Thats like #1 seeds meeting in the 1st round. Spencer alone could be a #2 seed by himself. And Octa-mom is like Jabba the Hut. But then there is Dane Cook.

  36. Bob Oglemerf says:

    Murdering Muslims? They don’t count as people.

    The pope might very well be the Antichrist so you are correct in that anyways.

  37. Small weiner boy says:

    Just realized I put “you’re” in place of “your” in that sentence there. You’d think with all the blood being in my brain and not in my small weiner I would have caught that.

    Bite my shiney metal ass!

  38. Small weiner boy says:

    You’re so wise. You’re like a small furry Buddha.
    I have changed my name to reflect my small penis.
    I will have to fall back on my rugged good looks and my 85′ Camaro to get the ladies now.

  39. OctoDad says:

    Al Sharpton and Uncle Jesse are Racist tools.. they should win

  40. Anonymous says:

    Fuck Erik Prince and his shitheaded army of christian fundamentalist fucktards.

  41. Octokid says:

    Dad you suck at being you. They are just trying to make a buck. Always trying to keep the brotha down.

  42. Gleeker says:

    You have a small weiner apparently, you should have used “Small weiner boy” as you name.

  43. Fozzi says:

    Tell Obama that….oops too late

  44. Paul says:

    god, joe the plumber of al sharpton.. fucking 2 hard to deicide

  45. vodka says:

    man perez vs heidi and spencer that one took me a minute to vote for but as for the winner sharpton hands down preying on his people for years

  46. CrazyCueball says:

    Funny stuff, as usual. A local Chicago sports show does something similar for March Madness every year too: The Tournament of Bad. You even have some of the same picks – http://imgsrv.670thescore.com/image/wscr2/UserFiles/File/TOB(7).jpg

  47. JT says:

    Spencer sans Heidi would have been a 1-seed…

  48. Dude says:

    So Many tough decisions on there, it’s ridiculous

  49. Tyler says:

    Angelo Mozilo makes billions and laughs at the less fortunate….hilarious and awesome.

    Erik Prince has mercenaries who kill people…..wow, really fucking awesome

    I abstain from voting….those two guys are my new heroes

  50. Small weiner boy says:

    holla at ya boy

  51. Penis says:

    both are collossal douches.

    Especially when Kobe made a commercial that was like:
    “Everyone hates me… They hate me because I’m great…”

    Shit moron we hate you because you were accused of rape!

  52. Gleeker says:

    Emo kid sounds like he is unhappy. Glad I don’t go to your high school.

  53. Anonymous says:

    perez hilton vs heidi and spencer should have been saved for the final four, these are two grade A ass clowns

  54. Fozzi says:

    OK I admit it I voted like several hundred times for Michael Moore. I screwed the whole tourney up. His face makes me want to vomit so I had to do it. I swear if I seen him in public I would throw my shoe at him. If I missed I might just run over and try to strangle him with my sock.

  55. Deuce says:

    We should stop this whole thing and give the trophy to Skip Bayless. Biggest douche ever!

  56. Anonymous says:

    Octomom should beat Dane Cook. I hate Dane Cook, he is a top 10 douche. Octomom is a celebrity because she thinks her vagina is a fucking clown car, she is a single mother making a living off of our taxes, and SHE DOES NOT LOOK LIKE ANGELINA JOLIE! If anyone has anything other than hate towards her you can go die.

  57. Anonymous says:

    one hundred percent aggreance! Dane cook is as painful to watch as chlamydia is to piss, but octomom is just a stupid fucking cunt! she’s obviously retarded and doesn’t even consider the fact that now there’s 14 kids who will turn out to be absolutely useless drains on the economy, pissing off anyone who has any sort of dealings with them, probably spending the majority of their lives in and out of prison. not to mention the serious threat of incest!!! and yes she is ugly and doesn’t look like angelina. also, the next poor fuck who tries to hit that will have to tie a 2×4 to his ass so as not to fall in. she should win.

  58. Anonymous says:

    Louie hates black people. FYI.

  59. Louie says:

    Why doesn’t Al Sharpton have 100% of the vote??? Whatever your political leanings, Al Sharpton is truly a world-class douche. Get out the vote, people.

  60. Someone who knows says:

    One of Mozilo’s sons worked at a company in the same industry that had originally spun off from Countrywide. The guy was a VP, despite the fact that he wasn’t exactly on the ball. So they kept shuffling him from division to division, because they couldn’t fire him. Eventually, the Federal Government took care of that.

  61. Anonymous says:

    Wow, how sad for you to be so separated from reality. I’m just as much of an American as the next guy but some how I am able to value a human life! Good for you that you’re a former Spec Ops operator and that you served your country, and I do mean that sincerely. But human life is something of value and needs to be considered. You can’t just go out and “kill them all” because only 10% of the Muslim community represent the extremest point of view!

    I understand that when it comes to kill or be killed it’s a simple choice but just like you said, “let god sort them out”. That’s exactly what’s going to happen to you, members of black water and every other living thing on this planet, I just hope you’re on his good side!

  62. Steve says:


  63. Paul says:

    All you bleeding heart ass holes blaming Erik Prince & Blackwater do not not shit about being in the military or protecting the life of others. Stick to your lilly white world of group hugs and emo feelings. As a former Spec Ops operator and full blooded american – I say “Kill em All, let god sort them out!” My vote is for all bleeding heart liberal fucktards and any hollywood actor/actress or wantabee!

  64. Ookla the Mok says:

    I must be out of touch. Perez Hilton? OK, so maybe this guys a douche …. but so is my uncle. How did this nobody make the list? The entertainment category could have it’s very own 64 nominee bracket for all the hard core douches it has. Its like the institution’s function is to turn them out. So color me mystified that this zero gets to run with the big dogs.

    Though I personally think Diddy or Penn are the natural winners of this … I predict AIG will take it all.

  65. comedyicon.com says:

    I want to sh*t on Dane Cook’s car key’s.

  66. Small weiner boy says:

    I want to shit around your mouth.

  67. Anonymous says:

    some tough decisions there, Jesse Jackson OR Ted Stevens? I wanted to vote for both. (oh I guess I can)

  68. Anonymous says:

    Douches Gone Wild! Finally Indicted!

  69. Anonymous says:

    cook gets douche points for coming out with a gay romantic comedy every other week some of these are hard to pick there comes a point where you just reach maximum douchness you can’t compare