Welcome to the last and final day of the first round of HolyTaco's 2009 Douchebag Tournament. Before we get to today's matchups, here are the results from yesterday's games.
As you can see, we had a couple big upsets with Perez Hilton taking out Heidi and Spencer, Al Sharpton sending Joe The Plumber to the showers and Sean Avery knocking off Skip Bayless.
And now, onto day three's match-ups. Voting ends Tuesday March 25th at 12:00 noon EST. Results will be posted shortly after voting ends.
Vote on who's the bigger douche.
(4) Kanye West
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
He's so full of himself, he craps out little Kanyes every time he takes a shit.
VS
(13) David Blaine
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
I thought Blaine was a magician, but all his "magic" seems to involve him "not doing magic." No one wants to watch a guy stand on a pole for a while or take a weeklong bath in a big, glass bathtub on TV. If he was a real magician, he'd pull of the best trick ever and make the media not cover his bullshit stunts anymore.
(Note: Voting results are slightly delayed.)
(4) PacMan Jones
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
Fool me once, shame on you, make a fool of yourself five times by doing some awesomely stupid shit that you lose millions of dollars in NFL contract money, well, shame on you, again.
VS
(13) Stephen A. Smith
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
I'M NOT SAYING ANYTHING IMPORTANT, BUT I MUST ALWAYS YELL AS LOUD AS I POSSIBLY CAN SO YOU THINK EVERYTHING I'M SAYING IS VERY, VERY IMPORTANT. FOR EXAMPLE, WATCH THIS: "I LIKE TO EAT BAGELS." THAT SOUNDED VERY IMPORTANT, DIDN'T IT? SEE, I TOLD YOU. IT WORKS.
(Note: Voting results are slightly delayed.)
(4) Eliot Spitzer
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
It's always fun when a moral crusader gets caught boning whores. But the fact he did it without a condom despite having a wife, makes him a criminal douchebag.
VS
(13) Bill O'Reilly
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
If Bill had an ounce of self-deprecation he might be a tolerable douchebag. But instead, he actually thinks his circus-sideshow show actually brings truth and enlightenment to America. Playing a self-righteous character who gets a bunch of illiterate, old weirdos into a froth over whatever's in the news that week isn't "enlightment." It's "douchebaggery."
(Note: Voting results are slightly delayed.)
(4) Donald Trump
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
The Donald is famous for firing people for making bad business decisions, yet we can't name a single person who has run more companies into bankruptcy than The Combover. Maybe he should fire himself and get someone else to manage his companies. He raises equity, takes a piece off the top, raises debt, goes bankrupt and starts over again.
VS
(13) Tim Geithner
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
You got to love a guy who gets put in charge of collecting all the taxes yet gets busted for not paying his own. Actually, no, you don't have to love him at all.
(Note: Voting results are slightly delayed.)
(5) Tom Cruise
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
From the couch-jumping to the insane Scientology beliefs to marrying a girl who had his poster on her wall when she was a teenager, you really have to hand it to Tom. If douchebag was a country, he might be its president.
VS
(12) Paris Hilton
What Makes Her A Douchebag:
I can't fault her for being famous for doing nothing, that's everyone else's fault for paying attention to her. But what I can fault her for is being a vapid, idiot-slut (is "idi-slut" a new word?), who actually thinks she deserves all this attention. She's famous for having rich parents, showing people her pussy and saying the word "hot." And she's proud of that.
(Note: Voting results are slightly delayed.)
(5) Roger Clemens
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
The public is very forgiving. All Roger had to say was, "You know what, I wanted to extend my career. So I took steroids. I was wrong and I am sorry." If he'd just said those words, the public would think he's just slightly less of a douchebag than he is.I guess that's something.
VS
(12) Stephon Marbury
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
Starbury, huh? Your nickname is Starbury? As in, "star athlete"? That just doesn't make sense. "Selfishbury" I could see. I would even understand "Failurbury" or "BadAtBasketballbury." But "Starbury"? I don't get it.
(Note: Voting results are slightly delayed.)
(5) Ann Coulter
What Makes Her A Douchebag:
We all know Ann's a big bag o' douche. But, as a side note, I'm willing to bet that the only way she'd ever do anal is by sticking her enormous penis inside a man's ass.
VS
(12) Harry Reid
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
Liberals have a history of being total pussies. And from his track record of giving in to any opposition, pandering, and generally looking like he's always about to burst into tears, he exemplifies the classic liberal symbol of douchebaggery.
(Note: Voting results are slightly delayed.)
(5) John Thain
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
To paraphrase the president, Wall Street is like the Special Olympics. It’s full of retards and no one ever loses. Even executives who lost billions for their century old companies like Merrill Lynch, received bonuses for jobs poorly done. Worst of all John Thain, the former CEO of Merrill, begged congress for billions of taxpayer bailout dollars only to use much of that money to pay off his retarded workers a week before the company was shotgun married to Bank of America.
VS
(12) Rupert Murdoch
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
Whether you agree his Fox News ideology or not, you should probably agree that one man's quest to own every single news outlet so he can go from having a trillion billion dollars in his wallet to having two trillion billion millions makes him either a douche or just really, really sad and lonely. Why not take up a relaxing hobby, Rupe? You're going to be dead soon.
Yep, Tom's ridin' the fence between brilliance and crazy (brilliance - he still managed to hook in Katie; crazy - well, Scientology for starters...). But Paris with her green tinted vag to her stupid dog takes the cake for douche-baggery.
Speaking of Marbury, how can his partner in crime, Isaih Thomas not be in the sports bracket? He's a hall of fame douche that has three franchises (Knicks, Raptors and Pacers) still trying to undo his harm. He bankrupted the CBA. He OD'd and tried to blame it on his daughter. Whatever the opposite of the Midas Touch is, he's got it (speaking of which, can somebody coin the phrase for the opposite of Midas Touch? I sat in front of my keyboard for ten minutes and gave up).
Nazi? Oh god, grow up. She is a complete moron but nazi? I'm pretty sure I know what nationality you are to be throwing such an ignorant word around, but get real buttneck.
Dude. Please don't rig our douchebag contest with your computer hacking skills. Use those skills for porn, then share with us, like Robin Hood. I think. It's very important that we let the people decided who the biggest douchebag of 2009 is. The world needs to know....
When it comes down to the end make sure it's some liberal just to rub this shitty contest in their faces. That would be historical if you would....pleeeeease. Maybe some how insert Obama as a surprise contestant at the end and take the honor. Then shut the site down for a couple days, get some cold beer, sit back and take a couple days off.
First real tough call for me so far: Kanye vs Blaine
Even just their faces have a quality that begs for slaps. Had to meditate for 30 minutes for enlightenment on which of these louts is a nose of douchebag ahead of the other.
It occurred to me that ALL magicians are douchebags. So I voted for Kanye for shining in the darkness.
I completely agree with you on that one! I was sad to see this go down in the first round. It would have made an excellent final..
I ended up voting Kanye, but I spent a long time contemplating it.
For those who haven't quite fathomed the douchieness of Mr. Blaine I suggest you watch this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AYxu_MQSTTY
(though most of you probably have)
C'mon paris hilton is the douchiest of the douche, she has 2 fuckin tv shows about stupid twats being her 'friends' WTF Tom Cruise is way less douchey than Hilton
Stephen A Smith should win this tournament. however, because his popularity level hovers around AIDS infested Child Molesters I guess he shouldn't move on.
I agree completely, Stephen A. Smith is hands down the most annoying sports personality on TV. Come on people, Pacman is an idiot, but not a douche, give Stephen A the honor he deserves, its not too late!!!!
At least O'Rielly never broke the law. Matter of fact, he didn't use the law to better his career and political agenda while he was actually doing the exact same thing.
Actually fuck tool, Billo did break the law when he was sexually harassing Andrea Mackris. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2004/10/20/entertainment/main650282.shtml
You're retarded. granted it should be a semi-colon if highschool english serves me correctly. I hate people who correct punctuation and grammer on a comedic website. No one is claiming to be a master of the english language here...so suck it, bitch!.
tool bags if you are not willing to actually look at the bracket then just keep your retarded comments to yourself! (people like this annoy the fuck out of me)
(61 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
March 24th, 2009 at 10:17 am
First?
March 24th, 2009 at 10:19 am
Paris Hilton definately takes the douche cake for so many douchey reasons (refer to Paris Hilton Southpark episode)
March 24th, 2009 at 11:30 am
Yep, Tom's ridin' the fence between brilliance and crazy (brilliance - he still managed to hook in Katie; crazy - well, Scientology for starters...). But Paris with her green tinted vag to her stupid dog takes the cake for douche-baggery.
March 24th, 2009 at 10:21 am
I have a feeling Bill O'Reilly might take the crown, even as a 13 seed.
March 24th, 2009 at 10:23 am
Can you vote as many times as you want? And is so, do they all count?
March 24th, 2009 at 10:25 am
To vote more than once, you have to clear your cookies and refresh the page.
March 24th, 2009 at 10:35 am
And thereby put yourself in contention for a Douche Award. One (wo)man, one vote! :P
March 24th, 2009 at 10:27 am
Scientology always wins.
Speaking of Marbury, how can his partner in crime, Isaih Thomas not be in the sports bracket? He's a hall of fame douche that has three franchises (Knicks, Raptors and Pacers) still trying to undo his harm. He bankrupted the CBA. He OD'd and tried to blame it on his daughter. Whatever the opposite of the Midas Touch is, he's got it (speaking of which, can somebody coin the phrase for the opposite of Midas Touch? I sat in front of my keyboard for ten minutes and gave up).
March 24th, 2009 at 10:33 am
You make a great point. He definitely should've been in there. He's there next year.
March 24th, 2009 at 11:28 am
Douche Touch. Simple.
March 24th, 2009 at 10:34 am
Douche, thy name is TRUMP
March 24th, 2009 at 03:11 pm
I would vote for Trumps hair if I could.
March 24th, 2009 at 10:41 am
how is Ann Coulter not demolishing Reid completely? Nazi>Pushover in the douchebag debate. come on guys...
March 24th, 2009 at 10:50 am
Nazi? Oh god, grow up. She is a complete moron but nazi? I'm pretty sure I know what nationality you are to be throwing such an ignorant word around, but get real buttneck.
March 24th, 2009 at 11:21 am
"We just want Jews to be perfected, as they say." --arguing that it would be better if we were all Christian July 26,2006
March 24th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
LULZ. Pretty much any nasty word thrown at Coulter can be supported by some statement she has made somewhere down the line.
March 24th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
I have a good feeling Reid will make an astounding come back tonight ;) Kind of like the shamwow guy and michael moore did...
March 24th, 2009 at 01:15 pm
Dude. Please don't rig our douchebag contest with your computer hacking skills. Use those skills for porn, then share with us, like Robin Hood. I think. It's very important that we let the people decided who the biggest douchebag of 2009 is. The world needs to know....
March 24th, 2009 at 02:33 pm
So you're the right wing, Larry Craig, bathroom stall toe tapping Republitard who sent Michael Moore to the next round instead of Bush the monkey.
March 24th, 2009 at 11:14 pm
When it comes down to the end make sure it's some liberal just to rub this shitty contest in their faces. That would be historical if you would....pleeeeease. Maybe some how insert Obama as a surprise contestant at the end and take the honor. Then shut the site down for a couple days, get some cold beer, sit back and take a couple days off.
March 24th, 2009 at 11:26 am
There should be no upsets this round. Tom Cruise should make the final four easily.
March 24th, 2009 at 11:40 am
So many douches here. Where is Nancy Grace?
March 24th, 2009 at 11:47 am
First real tough call for me so far: Kanye vs Blaine
Even just their faces have a quality that begs for slaps. Had to meditate for 30 minutes for enlightenment on which of these louts is a nose of douchebag ahead of the other.
It occurred to me that ALL magicians are douchebags. So I voted for Kanye for shining in the darkness.
March 24th, 2009 at 04:08 pm
I completely agree with you on that one! I was sad to see this go down in the first round. It would have made an excellent final..
I ended up voting Kanye, but I spent a long time contemplating it.
For those who haven't quite fathomed the douchieness of Mr. Blaine I suggest you watch this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AYxu_MQSTTY
(though most of you probably have)
March 24th, 2009 at 11:48 am
C'mon paris hilton is the douchiest of the douche, she has 2 fuckin tv shows about stupid twats being her 'friends' WTF Tom Cruise is way less douchey than Hilton
March 24th, 2009 at 01:16 pm
Scientology, too dumb for paris hilton even. Cruise is the biggest douche on the planet. period.
March 24th, 2009 at 01:48 pm
Completely Agree. tom Cruise = Ultradousche ... You dont go off and join a religion Charley Manson deemed too insane for him.
March 24th, 2009 at 04:00 pm
yeah paris is probly more dumb than douche, nice of her to make a cameo in the tournament though.
March 24th, 2009 at 11:49 am
These keep getting tougher. Hilton over Cruise. At least he did some good work. Once.
March 24th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
That was my EXACT thinking...it's like... Top Gun vs...shit, even her porno wasn't interesting.
March 24th, 2009 at 11:58 am
Stephen A Smith should win this tournament. however, because his popularity level hovers around AIDS infested Child Molesters I guess he shouldn't move on.
But lets be clear that SAS is a piece of Douche
March 24th, 2009 at 06:56 pm
I agree completely, Stephen A. Smith is hands down the most annoying sports personality on TV. Come on people, Pacman is an idiot, but not a douche, give Stephen A the honor he deserves, its not too late!!!!
March 24th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
nobody could be a bigger douche than this guy (mustache fail)
http://www.digitalfuntown.com/videos/160
March 24th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
haha, i saw a video where that guy guy pooped on by a bird. big bird too.
March 24th, 2009 at 01:10 pm
Coulter is a bigger douche than Reid. unbelievable.
March 24th, 2009 at 01:24 pm
whoops sorry we meant your a bigger douche then Ann Coulter!
March 24th, 2009 at 01:23 pm
stephan marbury sold basketball shoes for like 15$ in new york instead of the normal 200$ so i cant call him a douche.
March 24th, 2009 at 01:55 pm
Ah, look at O'Reilly! My sleeper pick to take it all. He's the biggest DOUCHEBAG in history!
March 24th, 2009 at 03:12 pm
He may be a douche but he will lose today...I promise you that
March 24th, 2009 at 04:34 pm
You keep padding those numbers there, faggot.
March 24th, 2009 at 08:14 pm
At least O'Rielly never broke the law. Matter of fact, he didn't use the law to better his career and political agenda while he was actually doing the exact same thing.
Amazing how short-lived American's memories are.
March 24th, 2009 at 09:00 pm
Actually fuck tool, Billo did break the law when he was sexually harassing Andrea Mackris. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2004/10/20/entertainment/main650282.shtml
March 24th, 2009 at 02:22 pm
the fact that the author thinks a comma is a visual representation for the word "that" proves this is shit.
referring to the kanye bullshit.
and carlos mencia isn't on the list.
March 24th, 2009 at 03:11 pm
You're retarded. granted it should be a semi-colon if highschool english serves me correctly. I hate people who correct punctuation and grammer on a comedic website. No one is claiming to be a master of the english language here...so suck it, bitch!.
March 24th, 2009 at 03:18 pm
i really love when people get anal about grammar on comedy sites.
but i do agree about carlos mencia
March 25th, 2009 at 11:10 am
Spelling is my thing. Grammar I can forgive, what with the alphanumeribet and all.
I also agree that Carlos is a douchebag, just riding on Dave Chappelle's douchestick.
Sarah Silverman is almost a douche, but I actually would like to bang her; something about that high-pitched whiny voice.
Oh, and can't forget convincing a jewish girl to do anal.
'n' wipe on the drapes of course.
March 24th, 2009 at 03:33 pm
Seeing as how you give a shit, why didn't you capitalize the 1st word of your sentence?
...and what, Mencia upset you too?
March 24th, 2009 at 04:17 pm
What about Rush Limbaugh! DB OF THE YEAR- HELLO!
March 24th, 2009 at 06:28 pm
I agree, where is Rush on this list?
March 24th, 2009 at 07:21 pm
tool bags if you are not willing to actually look at the bracket then just keep your retarded comments to yourself! (people like this annoy the fuck out of me)
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