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2009 Douchebag Tournament Round 1, Day 4

 
Welcome to the last and final day of the first round of HolyTaco’s 2009 Douchebag Tournament. Before we get to today’s matchups, here are the results from yesterday’s games.
 
 
 
As you can see, we had a couple big upsets with Perez Hilton taking out Heidi and Spencer, Al Sharpton sending Joe The Plumber to the showers and Sean Avery knocking off Skip Bayless.
 
And now, onto day three’s match-ups. Voting ends Tuesday March 25th at 12:00 noon EST. Results will be posted shortly after voting ends.
 
Vote on who’s the bigger douche.
 
 
(4) Kanye West
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
He’s so full of himself, he craps out little Kanyes every time he takes a shit.
 
VS
 
(13) David Blaine
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
I thought Blaine was a magician, but all his "magic" seems to involve him "not doing magic." No one wants to watch a guy stand on a pole for a while or take a weeklong bath in a big, glass bathtub on TV. If he was a real magician, he’d pull of the best trick ever and make the media not cover his bullshit stunts anymore.
 
 
  (Note: Voting results are slightly delayed.)
 
 
douchebag bracket
 
(4) PacMan Jones
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
Fool me once, shame on you, make a fool of yourself five times by doing some awesomely stupid shit that you lose millions of dollars in NFL contract money, well, shame on you, again.
 
VS
 
(13) Stephen A. Smith
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
I’M NOT SAYING ANYTHING IMPORTANT, BUT I MUST ALWAYS YELL AS LOUD AS I POSSIBLY CAN SO YOU THINK EVERYTHING I’M SAYING IS VERY, VERY IMPORTANT. FOR EXAMPLE, WATCH THIS: "I LIKE TO EAT BAGELS." THAT SOUNDED VERY IMPORTANT, DIDN’T IT? SEE, I TOLD YOU. IT WORKS.
 
 
 (Note: Voting results are slightly delayed.)
 
 
douchebag
 

 
(4) Eliot Spitzer
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
It’s always fun when a moral crusader gets caught boning whores. But the fact he did it without a condom despite having a wife, makes him a criminal douchebag.
VS
 
(13) Bill O’Reilly
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
If Bill had an ounce of self-deprecation he might be a tolerable douchebag. But instead, he actually thinks his circus-sideshow show actually brings truth and enlightenment to America. Playing a self-righteous character who gets a bunch of illiterate, old weirdos into a froth over whatever’s in the news that week isn’t "enlightment." It’s "douchebaggery."
 
 
 
 (Note: Voting results are slightly delayed.)
 
 
 
(4) Donald Trump
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
The Donald is famous for firing people for making bad business decisions, yet we can’t name a single person who has run more companies into bankruptcy than The Combover. Maybe he should fire himself and get someone else to manage his companies.  He raises equity, takes a piece off the top, raises debt, goes bankrupt and starts over again.
 
VS
 
(13) Tim Geithner
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
You got to love a guy who gets put in charge of collecting all the taxes yet gets busted for not paying his own. Actually, no, you don’t have to love him at all.
 
 
 
 (Note: Voting results are slightly delayed.)
 
 
 
(5) Tom Cruise
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
From the couch-jumping to the insane Scientology beliefs to marrying a girl who had his poster on her wall when she was a teenager, you really have to hand it to Tom. If douchebag was a country, he might be its president.
 
VS
 
(12) Paris Hilton
What Makes Her A Douchebag:
I can’t fault her for being famous for doing nothing, that’s everyone else’s fault for paying attention to her. But what I can fault her for is being a vapid, idiot-slut (is "idi-slut" a new word?), who actually thinks she deserves all this attention. She’s famous for having rich parents, showing people her pussy and saying the word "hot." And she’s proud of that.
 
 
 (Note: Voting results are slightly delayed.)
 
 
 
(5) Roger Clemens
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
The public is very forgiving. All Roger had to say was, "You know what, I wanted to extend my career. So I took steroids. I was wrong and I am sorry." If he’d just said those words, the public would think he’s just slightly less of a douchebag than he is.I guess that’s something.
 
VS
 
(12) Stephon Marbury
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
Starbury, huh? Your nickname is Starbury? As in, "star athlete"? That just doesn’t make sense. "Selfishbury" I could see. I would even understand "Failurbury" or "BadAtBasketballbury." But "Starbury"? I don’t get it.
 
 
 (Note: Voting results are slightly delayed.)
 
 
 
 
(5) Ann Coulter
What Makes Her A Douchebag:
We all know Ann’s a big bag o’ douche. But, as a side note, I’m willing to bet that the only way she’d ever do anal is by sticking her enormous penis inside a man’s ass.
 
VS
 
(12) Harry Reid
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
Liberals have a history of being total pussies. And from his track record of giving in to any opposition, pandering, and generally looking like he’s always about to burst into tears, he exemplifies the classic liberal symbol of douchebaggery.
 
 
 
 (Note: Voting results are slightly delayed.)
 
 
douchebag, douchebags, thain, murdoch
 
(5) John Thain
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
To paraphrase the president, Wall Street is like the Special Olympics. It’s full of retards and no one ever loses. Even executives who lost billions for their century old companies like Merrill Lynch, received bonuses for jobs poorly done. Worst of all John Thain, the former CEO of Merrill, begged congress for billions of taxpayer bailout dollars only to use much of that money to pay off his retarded workers a week before the company was shotgun married to Bank of America.
 
 
VS
(12) Rupert Murdoch
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
Whether you agree his Fox News ideology or not, you should probably agree that one man’s quest to own every single news outlet so he can go from having a trillion billion dollars in his wallet to having two trillion billion millions makes him either a douche or just really, really sad and lonely. Why not take up a relaxing hobby, Rupe? You’re going to be dead soon.
 
 
 
 (Note: Voting results are slightly delayed.)
 
 
 

61 Responses to "2009 Douchebag Tournament Round 1, Day 4"

  1. Anonydouche says:

    How about you, for being a douche that can’t spell? Just like Coulter, O’lielly, and Thrush Limburger, all you ‘conservative’ douches can’t spell let alone think.

    Do you know what conservative means you morons? It means to conserve, to save…retain. That means when we had a surplus, we retain it. When other countries start shit between them, we don’t get involved.

    Not that I espouse the conservative viewpoint, but how about learning about your own douchebaggery before complaining about other douchebaggery. Bunch of douching douches and the douching they attempt to douche.

    And when I say I don’t “espouse a viewpoint”: no I do not mean I’m looking at your wife’s asscrack via the reflection of your douchebag bedroom window.

    Thats right douchey, I said reflection.

    That’s it…let the wheels spin; atta boy, are you thinking yet? Are you wondering how I could see your wifes asscrack via the reflection of your bedroom window…and better yet, what would she be doing so that I could get that view…

    Sorry, can’t help you any more than that…

    …I nutted.

  2. alcoLOLic says:

    john thain is a douchebag in an awesome way. he had a steaming bag of crap that he pulled millions out of to hook up his friends, and then sold the steaming crap to BOA.

    not to mention he was full on baller in his decorating style. didn’t give a F— about prices.

    then, to top it all off, there were rumours flying all over the place that he tried to get his board to hook him up with a massive bonus for pulling it off!

    the balls!

  3. DENVER FTW!! says:

    Stephen A Smith should win this tournament. however, because his popularity level hovers around AIDS infested Child Molesters I guess he shouldn’t move on.

    But lets be clear that SAS is a piece of Douche

  4. Anonymous says:

    stephan marbury sold basketball shoes for like 15$ in new york instead of the normal 200$ so i cant call him a douche.

  5. Anonymous says:

    whoops sorry we meant your a bigger douche then Ann Coulter!

  6. Anonymous says:

    Completely Agree. tom Cruise = Ultradousche … You dont go off and join a religion Charley Manson deemed too insane for him.

  7. libral says:

    Coulter and O’Reilly are assholes, not douches. They don’t have even the appearance of cleanliness. This whole competition is based on lies!!

  8. Bob says:

    tool bags if you are not willing to actually look at the bracket then just keep your retarded comments to yourself! (people like this annoy the fuck out of me)

  9. Ookla the Mok says:

    First real tough call for me so far: Kanye vs Blaine

    Even just their faces have a quality that begs for slaps. Had to meditate for 30 minutes for enlightenment on which of these louts is a nose of douchebag ahead of the other.

    It occurred to me that ALL magicians are douchebags. So I voted for Kanye for shining in the darkness.

  10. Anonymous says:

    i really love when people get anal about grammar on comedy sites.

    but i do agree about carlos mencia

  11. The Most Important Voter says:

    You’re retarded. granted it should be a semi-colon if highschool english serves me correctly. I hate people who correct punctuation and grammer on a comedic website. No one is claiming to be a master of the english language here…so suck it, bitch!.

  12. The Most Important Voter says:

    He may be a douche but he will lose today…I promise you that

  13. Are you kidding me? says:

    At least O’Rielly never broke the law. Matter of fact, he didn’t use the law to better his career and political agenda while he was actually doing the exact same thing.

    Amazing how short-lived American’s memories are.

  14. Anonymous says:

    Coulter is a bigger douche than Reid. unbelievable.

  15. neverforget says:

    haha, i saw a video where that guy guy pooped on by a bird. big bird too.

  16. Ezban says:

    I completely agree with you on that one! I was sad to see this go down in the first round. It would have made an excellent final..

    I ended up voting Kanye, but I spent a long time contemplating it.

    For those who haven’t quite fathomed the douchieness of Mr. Blaine I suggest you watch this
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AYxu_MQSTTY
    (though most of you probably have)

  17. Anonymous says:

    Ah, look at O’Reilly! My sleeper pick to take it all. He’s the biggest DOUCHEBAG in history!

  18. Anonymous says:

    This contest is basically which one of these douchbags is more famous.

  19. Anonymous says:

    Scientology, too dumb for paris hilton even. Cruise is the biggest douche on the planet. period.

  20. Anonymous says:

    I agree, where is Rush on this list?

  21. Anonymous says:

    What about Rush Limbaugh! DB OF THE YEAR- HELLO!

  22. grampsy says:

    obama would beat them all i suspect.
    in his first 60 days, his budget (our money) has already surpassed that of all other presidents combined which is causing tea parties to spring up all over. now that’s historic.

    lemme draw you a picture if it helps:

    http://blog.heritage.org/2009/03/24/bush-deficit-vs-obama-deficit-in-pictures/

  23. Anonymous says:

    the fact that the author thinks a comma is a visual representation for the word “that” proves this is shit.
    referring to the kanye bullshit.

    and carlos mencia isn’t on the list.

  24. Adam says:

    What about Barrack Obama, he is the douche bag of the year and all of his clonies, USA is in a lot of trouble.

  25. Anonymous says:

    You keep padding those numbers there, faggot.

  26. Berbalerbs says:

    That was my EXACT thinking…it’s like… Top Gun vs…shit, even her porno wasn’t interesting.

  27. todders says:

    nobody could be a bigger douche than this guy (mustache fail)

    http://www.digitalfuntown.com/videos/160

  28. Anonymous says:

    Actually fuck tool, Billo did break the law when he was sexually harassing Andrea Mackris. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2004/10/20/entertainment/main650282.shtml

  29. Andrew says:

    C’mon paris hilton is the douchiest of the douche, she has 2 fuckin tv shows about stupid twats being her ‘friends’ WTF Tom Cruise is way less douchey than Hilton

  30. Disasteroid says:

    These keep getting tougher. Hilton over Cruise. At least he did some good work. Once.

  31. Anonydouche says:

    That’s right, they are above both. O’Reilly and Coulter TALK about doing shit, but do nothing.

    Spitzer and Reid do shit, and talk out of their asses.

    By the way, I like Spitzer more than Reid…

    He really is douche-milquetoast.

  32. Anonymous says:

    Seeing as how you give a shit, why didn’t you capitalize the 1st word of your sentence?

    …and what, Mencia upset you too?

  33. Harry Balsagna says:

    yeah paris is probly more dumb than douche, nice of her to make a cameo in the tournament though.

  34. Anonydouche says:

    Spelling is my thing. Grammar I can forgive, what with the alphanumeribet and all.

    I also agree that Carlos is a douchebag, just riding on Dave Chappelle’s douchestick.

    Sarah Silverman is almost a douche, but I actually would like to bang her; something about that high-pitched whiny voice.

    Oh, and can’t forget convincing a jewish girl to do anal.

    ‘n’ wipe on the drapes of course.

  35. Anonymous says:

    douche!
    (congratulations)

  36. Anonymous says:

    I agree completely, Stephen A. Smith is hands down the most annoying sports personality on TV. Come on people, Pacman is an idiot, but not a douche, give Stephen A the honor he deserves, its not too late!!!!

  37. Anonymous says:

    Kanye vs Blaine was tough for me. Kanye is a douche, but I cant stand david blaine.

    And Cruise vs Hilton was tough, but Tom Cruise is an all time douche so he gets my vote

    I voted for Rupert Murdoch because he is from Australia. but really for only that reason.

    Elliot Spitzer, I don’t know. Dude was just gettin laid.

  38. shellb says:

    I love that the word douchebaggery is being used.

  39. Anonymous says:

    OBVIOUSLY a bunch of liberals voting here. O’Reilly and Coulter may be douchebags, but they’re not in the same class as Spitzer and Reid.

  40. justin says:
    Dude.  Please don’t rig our douchebag contest with your computer hacking skills.  Use those skills for porn, then share with us, like Robin Hood.  I think.   It’s very important that we let the people decided who the biggest douchebag of 2009 is.  The world needs to know….
  41. Anonymous says:

    So you’re the right wing, Larry Craig, bathroom stall toe tapping Republitard who sent Michael Moore to the next round instead of Bush the monkey.

  42. Fozzi says:

    When it comes down to the end make sure it’s some liberal just to rub this shitty contest in their faces. That would be historical if you would….pleeeeease. Maybe some how insert Obama as a surprise contestant at the end and take the honor. Then shut the site down for a couple days, get some cold beer, sit back and take a couple days off.

  43. Anonymous says:

    how is Ann Coulter not demolishing Reid completely? Nazi>Pushover in the douchebag debate. come on guys…

  44. The Most Important Voter says:

    I have a good feeling Reid will make an astounding come back tonight ;) Kind of like the shamwow guy and michael moore did…

  45. The Hot One says:

    Nazi? Oh god, grow up. She is a complete moron but nazi? I’m pretty sure I know what nationality you are to be throwing such an ignorant word around, but get real buttneck.

  46. Anonymous says:

    LULZ. Pretty much any nasty word thrown at Coulter can be supported by some statement she has made somewhere down the line.

  47. Anonymous says:

    “We just want Jews to be perfected, as they say.” –arguing that it would be better if we were all Christian July 26,2006

  48. warvette says:

    There should be no upsets this round. Tom Cruise should make the final four easily.

  49. Anonymous says:

    I would vote for Trumps hair if I could.

  50. Anonymous says:

    Douche, thy name is TRUMP

  51. Anonymous says:

    I have a feeling Bill O’Reilly might take the crown, even as a 13 seed.

  52. Steven says:

    Can you vote as many times as you want? And is so, do they all count?

  53. cory says:
    To vote more than once, you have to clear your cookies and refresh the page.
  54. cory says:
    You make a great point. He definitely should’ve been in there. He’s there next year.
  55. Pratik says:

    Douche Touch. Simple.

  56. Bastage says:

    Scientology always wins.

    Speaking of Marbury, how can his partner in crime, Isaih Thomas not be in the sports bracket? He’s a hall of fame douche that has three franchises (Knicks, Raptors and Pacers) still trying to undo his harm. He bankrupted the CBA. He OD’d and tried to blame it on his daughter. Whatever the opposite of the Midas Touch is, he’s got it (speaking of which, can somebody coin the phrase for the opposite of Midas Touch? I sat in front of my keyboard for ten minutes and gave up).

  57. Mooshki says:

    And thereby put yourself in contention for a Douche Award. One (wo)man, one vote! :P

  58. Anonymous says:

    Yep, Tom’s ridin’ the fence between brilliance and crazy (brilliance – he still managed to hook in Katie; crazy – well, Scientology for starters…). But Paris with her green tinted vag to her stupid dog takes the cake for douche-baggery.

  59. Anonymous says:

    Paris Hilton definately takes the douche cake for so many douchey reasons (refer to Paris Hilton Southpark episode)

  60. Anonymous says:

    First?

  61. Penis says:

    So many douches here. Where is Nancy Grace?