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2009 Douchebag Tournament Round 2, Day 2

 Welcome to the final day of the second round of the 2009 Douchebag Tournament. Between Coulter vs O’Reilly, Kanye vs Cruise and Glenn Beck vs Michael Moore, have got some massive match-ups today, so let’s get to it.
But first, we had our first  number one seed fall yesterday as Terrell Owens took out Alex Rodriguez. I’m not sure who to congratulate, so I’ll just give both of these douchebags a pat on the back.
Vote on who you think is the bigger douchebag in each of the four match-ups below. Voting ends March 27th at 12:00 noon EST. Results will be posted shortly after voting ends.
(5) Ann Coulter
Previous Results: Round 1: Defeated Harry Reid
What Makes Her A Douchebag:
We all know Ann’s a big bag o’ douche. But, as a side note, I’m willing to bet that the only way she’d ever do anal is by sticking her enormous penis inside a man’s ass.
(13) Bill O’Reilly
Previous Results: Round 1: Defeated Eliot Spitzer
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
If Bill had an ounce of self-deprecation he might be a tolerable douchebag. But instead, he actually thinks his circus-sideshow show actually brings truth and enlightenment to America. Playing a self-righteous character who gets a bunch of illiterate, old weirdos into a froth over whatever’s in the news that week isn’t "enlightment." It’s "douchebaggery."
 (Note: Poll results are slightly delayed)
(2) Barry Bonds
Previous Results: Round 1: Defeated David Beckham
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
Aside from being a complete and total asshole to anyone and everyone who came near him, he (allegedly) lied about taking steroids, even though his body and head grew to sizes normally reserved for a Lord Of The Rings film. And after several perjury hearings and investigations, he let his friend go to jail for him. Any time you let someone face the possibility of daily ass rapings, you’re a douche.
(7) Curt Schilling
Previous Results: Round 1: Defeated Jerry Jones
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
OK, Curt, we get it. You love to blog about your opinions and you like Jesus. That’s fine. But the problem is, no one wants to hear what a baseball pitcher thinks about stem cell research. Please stop.
  (Note: Poll results are slightly delayed)

(7) P Diddy
Previous Results: Round 1: Defeated Axl Rose
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
If your entire music career is based around buying someone else’s incredibly popular song, playing it back exactly as it was originally recorded, and then putting your own crappy, mumbly, pretentious lyrics over it, you’re probably a douchebag. If you’ve changed your crappy nickname three times in your career, and actually sued someone over the rights to call yourself “Diddy”, then you’re probably a douchebag. If you’ve profited immensely off of the death of your popular rapper friend, then you’re definitely a douchebag. While Diddy’s legitimacy is severely in question, one thing is for sure: P-Diddy is a douchebag force to be reckoned with.
(15) Shamwow Guy
Previous Results: Round 1: Defeated Joaquin Phoenix
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
In what is still a protested victory, Shamwow came from behind to beat Joaquin in the first round. Why are infomercial salesman so popular now? I bought the Shamwow and you know what? It sucks.
  (Note: Poll results are slightly delayed)
(10) Michael Moore
Previous Results: Round 1: Defeated George Bush
What Makes Him A Douchebag
This “freedom fighter” pulls together every clip he can find that supports his point, then puts it into a movie and calls it a “documentary.” On top of that, he’s notoriously asshole-ish to work for, and spends his days in a multimillion dollar apartment in New York, even though he’s TOTALLY blue collar, right?
(15) Glenn Beck
Previous Results: Round 1: Defeated Rod Blagojevich
What Makes Him A Douchebag
Glenn Beck has his own well-known brand of double-chinned douchebaggery, but what most people don’t know is that he’s also converted to Mormonism when he was an adult. Which means someone asked him to join their cult that baptize dead people and believe Jesus was hanging out in the West in the 1800s and he said, "Sounds great, where do I sign up?"
  (Note: Poll results are slightly delayed)
(2) AIG
Previous Results: Round 1: Defeated Steve Ballmer
What Makes It A Douchebag:
After receiving it’s first $70 billion in bailout money, AIG executives spent $500,000 to take a luxury Santa Barbara vacation. And last week it was revealed that after taking more than $170 billion in taxpayer money AIG paid out $165 million in bonuses to the very people who gambled the entire company away. Hey AIG, suck my balls.
(10) Henry Paulson
Previous Results: Round 1: Defeated Jim Cramer
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
This guy basically slipped a piece of paper, or maybe it was two pieces, to congress saying that said he needed 750 billion dollars by the end of the week, no questions asked and whatever he did with the money was up to him. And if they didn’t give him the money the entire world would implode. The kicker is it friggin worked and they gave him the cash. Also, by agreeing to become Treasury Secretary he was “forced” to sell $570 million dollars worth of Goldman Sachs stock, one time only…completely tax free.
  (Note: Poll results are slightly delayed)
kobe bryant, douchebag
(6) Kobe Bryant
Previous Results: Round 1: Defeated Mark Cuban
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
Kobe bitched and whined about playing with Shaquille o’neal, then shaquille left and kobe bitched and whined that the lakers wouldn’t give him anyone to play with. Then, to top it all off, he cheated on his wife, and when confronted, decided to throw Shaq under the bus and rat on him for being a cheater.  If his penis and balls could be revoked, men everywhere would have done so.
(14) Sean Avery
Previous Results: Round 1: Defeated Skip Bayless
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
When he’s not trying to screen goalies in the lamest way possible (by standing in front of them and waving his arms like he’s trying to fly) he’s hitting on Paris Hilton (and failing). And if that’s not enough, he was suspended by the NHL for making his infamous "sloppy seconds" comment. Since he didn’t really do anything illegal, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman basically suspended him for being a douchebag.
  (Note: Poll results are slightly delayed)
(3) Octo-Mom
Previous Results: Round 1: Defeated Dane Cook
What Makes Her A Douchebag:
Being a poor, uneducated weirdo living out some insane celebutard fantasy doesn’t make you a douchebag. Taking 14 kids down with you, on the other hand, does.
(11) Perez Hilton
Previous Results: Round 1: Defeated Heidi And Spencer
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
He spends his days making up gay rumors about celebrities, then attending award shows at night and pretending to be annoyed when reporters ask him questions.  His blog is basically just a series of pictures with shitty finger painting on them, followed by two paragraphs that seem to be written like a fourth grade child who moved here from Vietnam. 
  (Note: Poll results are slightly delayed)
jesse jackson, al sharpton douchebags
(6) Jesse Jackson
Previous Results: Round 1: Defeated Ted Stevens
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
After saying he wanted to turn Barack "from a rooster to hen with one slice of a blade" months before the election, Jackson was seen crying like a baby for the cameras at Obama’s inauguration. Do you want to cut Barack’s balls off or do you want to blow him? Make up your mind, douche.
(14) Al Sharpton
Previous Results: Round 1: Defeated Joe The Plumber
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
If the entire African-American population of the U.S. was a shark, Al Sharpton would be its Lamprey, the tiny, parasitic fish that follows it around, constantly eating all the garbage off of it. We’re sure Sharpton had good intentions in the beginning, but at this point he’s an opportunist. Some people would even go so far as to say that if African-Americans had no problems, then Al Sharpton would be out of business, and therefore he’s turned to making little issues into big ones so that he won’t seem expendible.  Some people say that, but not us. We just say he’s a douchebag.
  (Note: Poll results are slightly delayed)
(6) Angelo Mozilo
Previous Results: Round 1: Defeated Erik Prince
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
This dude is as dumb as he is Orange. In May 2008 he made fun of a customer under mortgage stress and instead of forwarding the letter to his staff, he hit reply all” and responded directly to the customer by basically calling him a retard. And now, while the rest of the country is flat broke and foreclosing on their homes, Angelo is worth around a billion dollars.


(14) Joe Francis
Previous Results: Round 1: Defeated Rick Santelli
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
He’s made over $500 million off dumb drunk sluts showing their boobs in an act of rebellion against their parents. We have absolutely no problem with that. In fact we think that’s just terrific. However, just because you made a fortune off soft core porn doesn’t mean you have to act exactly like a guy who made a fortune off soft core porn. He had every opportunity to be a cool dude who kept quiet and minded his own business. Instead he started putting himself in his own infomercials and ran around acting like even if he didn’t have $1000 cash, a private jet and a kilo of coke all those slutty girls and celebs like Paris Hilton would still be his friend.
  (Note: Poll results are slightly delayed)
roger clemens douchebag, douche
(5) Roger Clemens
Previous Results: Round 1: Defeated Stephon Marbury
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
The public is very forgiving. All Roger had to say was, "You know what, I wanted to extend my career. So I took steroids. I was wrong and I am sorry." If he’d just said those words, the public would think he’s just slightly less of a douchebag than he is.I guess that’s something.
(4) PacMan Jones
Previous Results: Round 1: Defeated Stephen A. Smith
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
Fool me once, shame on you, make a fool of yourself five times by doing some awesomely stupid shit that you lose millions of dollars in NFL contract money, well, shame on you, again.
  (Note: Poll results are slightly delayed)
(4) Kanye West
Previous Results: Round 1: Defeated David Blaine
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
He’s so full of himself, he craps out little Kanyes every time he takes a shit.
(5) Tom Cruise
Previous Results: Round 1: Defeated Paris Hilton
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
From the couch-jumping to the insane Scientology beliefs to marrying a girl who had his poster on her wall when she was a teenager, you really have to hand it to Tom. If douchebag was a country, he might be its president.
  (Note: Poll results are slightly delayed)
donald trump, douchebag, douche
(4) Donald Trump
Previous Results: Round 1: Defeated Tim Geithner
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
The Donald is famous for firing people for making bad business decisions, yet we can’t name a single person who has run more companies into bankruptcy than The Combover. Maybe he should fire himself and get someone else to manage his companies.  He raises equity, takes a piece off the top, raises debt, goes bankrupt and starts over again.
(5) John Thain
Previous Results: Round 1: Defeated Rupert Murdoch
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
To paraphrase the president, Wall Street is like the Special Olympics: It’s full of retards and no one ever loses. Even executives who lost billions for their century old companies like Merrill Lynch, received bonuses for jobs poorly done. Worst of all John Thain, the former CEO of Merrill, begged congress for billions of taxpayer bailout dollars only to use much of that money to pay off his retarded workers a week before the company was shotgun married to Bank of America
 (Note: Poll results are slightly delayed)

50 Responses to "2009 Douchebag Tournament Round 2, Day 2"

  1. Anonymous says:

    Yeah, I had to stop and think about that one too. Go Sharpton!!

  2. Strangepants says:

    Cruise vs. West completely unfair. That should be the championship round.

  3. General Deception says:

    I had to go with P Diddy. At least we know that the Sham Wow guy will fade into obscurity, while P Diddy has been shitting on the airwaves and everything else for over a decade, and doesnt seem to be stopping anytime soon. F Piddy in the A!

  4. Randall says:

    Couldn’t agree more. It hurt me to vote knowing I was helping the other one out.

  5. Sickpigs.com says:

    Vince from Sham-wow should not be on this list! He’s a god damn hero!


  6. Anonymous says:

    I’m no Glenn Beck fan, but his Momonism has nothing to do with his douchiness. His political opinions do that for him.

  7. Anonymous says:

    I can’t believe Tom Cruise is gonna lose to Kanye. Kanye is a douche. but scientology? come on!

  8. Tara says:

    That was fun, but wow, some of these were hard to make a final decision on.

  9. Woody says:

    Would I be wrong to guess that you’re white?

    I doubt it…

  10. Anonymous says:

    That’s a win-win scenario if I ever saw one.

  11. Blake says:

    come on, the shamwow dude is fucking awesome.

  12. Anonymous says:

    I repeat: P. Diddy is wearing a tuxedo while riding his waverunner to the beach from his yacht whilst pitching a cologne sold at Sears in his latest commerical.

    he’s begging for it.

  13. Andrew says:

    Paris should be up there instead of Cruise

  14. Al-P says:

    Bonds, AIG, Michael Moore and Kanye West
    Thats the final four, its gonna be a tough call whether kanye or AIG takes home the title.

    by the way, who is this preez hilton homo? thank god that octo-mom is such a huge piece of shit that she’ll knock his/her smurf ass out. i want to write in a candidate douchebag- the person who decided that the blue haired queerbag internet gossip queen would make the list. i thought this was a douchbag tournament, not a flaming faggot tournament.

  15. Pierre says:

    he always wins by default.

  16. Pierre says:


  17. Pierre says:

    firefox+adblock+flashblock=elite at internets

  18. riceroni says:

    If douchebag were part of the solar system, Glen Beck would be the sun. If it comes down to one winner take all and you’re going to have “Douchebag Of The Millennium” Glen Beck would be it.

  19. riceroni says:

    (LOL!!) Yeah especially after what happened at the MTV VMA’s with Taylor Swift, I’d say Kanye edged out Tom.

  20. Edwordrules says:

    you know who should REALLY win, is those f***s that made rollover advertisement. D-Bags

  21. Anonymous says:

    Wow that Jackson Sharpton one was tough. Both are huge doiuchebags. But my heart of hearts said Sharpton needed it more. Also, Francis is the personification of douchebaginess, just look at him

  22. Anonymous says:

    Sharpton and Jackson are the worst things to happen to black people since the Tuskegee experiments

  23. Pratik says:

    Donald Trump and John Thain are at 50/50. Gonna be close.

  24. Anonymous says:

    Amen to that. He’s taking on the Church of Scientology by himself, and paying for it with Sham-Wow’s. This guy should be thanked for taking on that murderous cult.

  25. Pierre says:

    Glen beck doesn’t deserve to win over Michael Moore whose douchebaggery is of epic proportions. Glen is just an irrelevant bunker-complex-in-the-woods type of guy, he’s a noob douche. Michael moore has got it down to a science.

  26. Penis says:

    Get the fuck out of here Kanye would loose to Octomom OR chris brown before he even won his division

  27. Anonymous says:

    you forgot the biggest douches: the one that made this blog

  28. Anon says:

    Yeah but your douche bag ass is reading this so… guess that makes you the biggest douche of them all.

  29. Anon says:

    Yeah, but Kanye actually thinks he’s equal to Jesus.

  30. Ookla the Mok says:

    This round looks all win/win to me with the exception of p-diddy vs shamwow guy. P-diddy is a douche of the highest order. Shamwow guy is annoying but has some respectable credit to his name.

    Beck vs moore is win/win but I voted Moore cause at least beck has made me laugh before. Moore is one of these guys that think they are funny but are just being shitty. Thats easily enough to tip my hand to him in such a close comparison.

    Hmmm … well, maybe I’m full of shit with my “win/win” assessment cause now I’m thinking I gotta addendum a “wtf?” to how did that no-name p.o.s. Perez Hilton make it this far? If 8mom doesn’t win that match, its douche-crime.

  31. Anonymous says:

    Al Sharpton over Jesse Jackson, no sweat. Remember Duke Lacrosse?

    PS Katie Holmes is freakin gorgeous. I hate Tom Cruise.

  32. Stumped says:

    Wow, this was a tough one!

    Coulter v O’Reilly?
    Moore v Beck?
    Jackson v Sharpton?

    How on earth do we even pick?? They’re all equally massive bags o’ douche!

  33. Anonymous says:

    I’m not completely positive of the facts but pacman is responsible for the death? of a person and/or the paralyzation? of same person, either way, if “keepin it real” at a strip club means permanent physical damage and/or death to somebody else then you’re the friggin president of Douche

  34. Anonymous says:

    c’mon all pacman did was go to strip clubs and get arrested. Clemens lied under oath, said numerous douchey comments such as steroids would give him a 3rd ear, threw his his family and friends under the bus and still hasnt admitted to using steroids.

  35. Anonymous says:

    acutally its “scrip” clubs.

  36. cory says:
    Justin and I said the same exact thing to each other this morning.
  37. Jdogg says:

    It is a crying shame the Skip Bayless and Steven A are already out. They should be in the final fucking four, every time I hear either one of them speaking on ESPN I immediately change the channel.

  38. Mr. B says:

    True that. You have one overly tan motherfucker who would argue with you if you told him the sky is blue, and you have one obnoxious, sing-songey crazy-ass who shouts everything he says. Who did these guys lose to?

  39. Penis says:

    I voted for both those mother fuckers.

  40. phlebas says:

    Christ — Coulter v O’Reilly should be a cage match, not in a bracket.

  41. CoulterPoundsManHole says:

    Nah… A cage match between Coulter & O’Rielly would end in a love fest with her doing anal by pushing her giant penis into his tight white ass.

  42. tastynate says:

    Anne Coulter, now and forever, king/queen douche of the known universe. Nobody fucks with skeletor, especially the waspy pseudo-intellectual skeletor. That is one uptight facist broad.

  43. Anonymous says:

    Thain’s grill is worse than Trump’s salad. You’re fired.

  44. Anonymous says:

    I think Michael Moore should just win on default.

  45. Anonymous says:

    But he thinks people care what he thinks. That’s why he’s a douche.

  46. Anonymous says:

    Schilling just speaks his mind,nothing wrong with that and I am not a Sox fan. He knows what he wants, thinks.
    he should not lose b/c of that.

  47. Anonymous says:

    pacman started a melee that lead to someone getting shot i think. Although he did make it rain then when a stripper tried to pick the money up, he slammed her head. pretty bad, but one night makes him more of a douche than clemens? clemens has been a douche since he started roiding up

  48. Anonymous says:

    Alan Colmes wins this tourney hands down.

  49. Anonymous says:

    How terrible would it be if it ended in conception and 2 months later O’Reilly squeezed out the ugliest, most evil puppies to ever grace existence.

  50. http://www.casinosinwest.com/ says:

    Very good, I was missing this.