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2009 Douchebag Tournament: The Sweet 16

 
We had our closest matches yet yesterday, with a few games being decided by less than one percentage point (Coulter over O’Reilly, Francis over Mozilo and Trump over Thain) and a few other really close ones (Kanye over Cruise and PacMan over Clemens.) But here we are, with the field narrowed to 16 of the biggest douchebags left.
 
 
There are some insane games today, so let the Sweet 16 begin. Vote on who you think is the bigger douchebag. Voting ends tomorrow, Saturday March 28th at 12:00 noon eastern time. The Elite 8 match-ups will begin tomorrow at around 1pm.
 
douchebag, douchebags, terrell owens, pacman jones, tournament 
 
(8) Terrell Owens
Previous Results: Round 1: Defeated Duke University; Round 2: Defeated Alex Rodriguez
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
You know why T.O. is a douchebag. But if you don’t: he’s a me-first prima donna who is such a clubhouse cancer that he’s actually playing in Buffalo now.
 
VS
 
(4) PacMan Jones
Previous Results: Round 1: Defeated Stephen A. Smith; Round 2: Defeated Roger Clemens
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
Fool me once, shame on you, make a fool of yourself five times by doing some awesomely stupid shit that you lose millions of dollars in NFL contract money, well, shame on you, again.
 
 
  (Note: Poll results are slightly delayed)
 
 
chris brown, douchebag, douchebags, douches, tournament
 
(1) Chris Brown
Previous Results: Round 1: Defeated Ryan Seacrest; Round 2: Defeated Sean Penn
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
Chris is a #1 seed for one very obvious reason: His music sucks. Oh, and he hits women.
 
VS
 
(4) Kanye West
Previous Results: Round 1: Defeated David Blaine; Round 2: Defeated Tom Cruise
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
He’s so full of himself, he craps out little Kanyes every time he takes a shit.
 
 
  (Note: Poll results are slightly delayed)
 
 
rush limbaugh, douchebag, ann coulter, douchebag tournament
 

 
(1) Rush Limbaugh
Previous Results: Round 1: Defeated Arianna Huffington; Round 2: Sarah Palin
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
There’s nothing more annoying than getting a lecture on morality and conservatism by a drug addict who can’t stop shoving ho-hos into his big, fat face.
 
VS
 
(5) Ann Coulter
Previous Results: Round 1: Defeated Harry Reid; Round 2: Defeated Bill O’Reilly (barely)
What Makes Her A Douchebag:
We all know Ann’s a big bag o’ douche. But, as a side note, I’m willing to bet that the only way she’d ever do anal is by sticking her enormous penis inside a man’s ass.
 
 
  (Note: Poll results are slightly delayed)
 
 
douchebag, douchebags, douches, bernie madoff, trump, donald
 
(1) Bernie Madoff
Previous Results: Round 1: Defeated Richard Branson; Round 2: Defeated The Big Three Automaker CEOs
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
A favorite to win this whole tournament, Bernie schemed his way to victory over Richard Branson int he first round. You already know why Bernie is a number one seed. But why not check out Bernie Madoff’s prison Twitter page.
 
VS
 
(4) Donald Trump
Previous Results: Round 1: Defeated Tim Geithner; Round 2: Defeated John Thain
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
The Donald is famous for firing people for making bad business decisions, yet we can’t name a single person who has run more companies into bankruptcy than The Combover. Maybe he should fire himself and get someone else to manage his companies.  He raises equity, takes a piece off the top, raises debt, goes bankrupt and starts over again.
 
 
  (Note: Poll results are slightly delayed)
 
 
douchebag, douchebags, douches, kobe bryant, barry bonds
 
(2) Barry Bonds
Previous Results: Round 1: Defeated David Beckham; Round 2: Defeated Curt Schilling
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
Aside from being a complete and total asshole to anyone and everyone who came near him, he (allegedly) lied about taking steroids, even though his body and head grew to sizes normally reserved for a Lord Of The Rings film. And after several perjury hearings and investigations, he let his friend go to jail for him. Any time you let someone face the possibility of daily ass rapings, you’re a douche.
 
VS
 
(6) Kobe Bryant
Previous Results: Round 1: Defeated Mark Cuban; Round 2: Defeated Sean Avery
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
Kobe bitched and whined about playing with Shaquille o’neal, then shaquille left and kobe bitched and whined that the lakers wouldn’t give him anyone to play with. Then, to top it all off, he cheated on his wife, and when confronted, decided to throw Shaq under the bus and rat on him for being a cheater.  If his penis and balls could be revoked, men everywhere would have done so.
 
 
  (Note: Poll results are slightly delayed)
 
 
octo-mom, octomom, octo mom, douchebag, douches, douche 
 
(3) Octo-Mom
Previous Results: Round 1: Defeated Dane Cook; Round 2: Defeated Perez Hilton
What Makes Her A Douchebag:
Being a poor, uneducated weirdo living out some insane celebutard fantasy doesn’t make you a douchebag. Taking 14 kids down with you, on the other hand, does.
 
VS
 
(7) P Diddy
Previous Results: Round 1: Defeated Axl Rose; Round 2: Defeated The Shamwow Guy
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
If your entire music career is based around buying someone else’s incredibly popular song, playing it back exactly as it was originally recorded, and then putting your own crappy, mumbly, pretentious lyrics over it, you’re probably a douchebag. If you’ve changed your crappy nickname three times in your career, and actually sued someone over the rights to call yourself “Diddy”, then you’re probably a douchebag. If you’ve profited immensely off of the death of your popular rapper friend, then you’re definitely a douchebag. While Diddy’s legitimacy is severely in question, one thing is for sure: P-Diddy is a douchebag force to be reckoned with.
 
 
  (Note: Poll results are slightly delayed)
 
 
glenn beck douchebag, al sharpton, douchebags, douchebag, tournament
 
(14) Al Sharpton
Previous Results: Round 1: Defeated Joe The Plumber; Round 2: Defeated Jesse Jackson
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
If the entire African-American population of the U.S. was a shark, Al Sharpton would be its Lamprey, the tiny, parasitic fish that follows it around, constantly eating all the garbage off of it. We’re sure Sharpton had good intentions in the beginning, but at this point he’s an opportunist. Some people would even go so far as to say that if African-Americans had no problems, then Al Sharpton would be out of business, and therefore he’s turned to making little issues into big ones so that he won’t seem expendible.  Some people say that, but not us. We just say he’s a douchebag.
 
VS
 
(15) Glenn Beck
Previous Results: Round 1: Defeated Rod Blagojevich; Round 2: Defeated Michael Moore
What Makes Him A Douchebag
Glenn Beck has his own well-known brand of double-chinned douchebaggery, but what most people don’t know is that he’s also converted to Mormonism when he was an adult. Which means someone asked him to join their cult that baptize dead people and believe Jesus was hanging out in the West in the 1800s and he said, "Sounds great, where do I sign up?"
 
 
  (Note: Poll results are slightly delayed)
 
 
douchebag, douchebags, joe francis, aig
 
(2) AIG
Previous Results: Round 1: Defeated Steve Ballmer; Round 2: Defeated Henry Paulson
What Makes It A Douchebag:
After receiving it’s first $70 billion in bailout money, AIG executives spent $500,000 to take a luxury Santa Barbara vacation. And last week it was revealed that after taking more than $170 billion in taxpayer money AIG paid out $165 million in bonuses to the very people who gambled the entire company away. Hey AIG, suck my balls.
 
VS
 
(14) Joe Francis
Previous Results: Round 1: Defeated Rick Santelli; Round 2: Defeated Angelo Mozilo
What Makes Him A Douchebag:
He’s made over $500 million off dumb drunk sluts showing their boobs in an act of rebellion against their parents. We have absolutely no problem with that. In fact we think that’s just terrific. However, just because you made a fortune off soft core porn doesn’t mean you have to act exactly like a guy who made a fortune off soft core porn. He had every opportunity to be a cool dude who kept quiet and minded his own business. Instead he started putting himself in his own infomercials and ran around acting like even if he didn’t have $1000 cash, a private jet and a kilo of coke all those slutty girls and celebs like Paris Hilton would still be his friend.
 
 
 (Note: Poll results are slightly delayed)
 
 

48 Responses to "2009 Douchebag Tournament: The Sweet 16"

  1. cory says:
    Wait 5 months. She’s going to have a reality show.
  2. Penis says:

    Chris Brown is smoking Kanye West!

  3. Anonymous says:

    Yeah, your mom suck Mann Coulter’s massive man meat.

  4. Anon says:

    STFU drama queen.

  5. Mr. B says:

    Anne Coulter wears underwear with dick holes in ‘em.

  6. Anonymous says:

    How is Octo-Mom in entertainment division?

  7. Anonymous says:

    I know there is all the politcal people but this has gotta be 8mom vs. Bernie madoff in the final death match. with chris brown and AIG as runner ups

  8. Barnaby Jones says:

    are they just not going to finish this?

  9. World's Biggest Douchebag says:

    World’s first documentary footage of Dimitri The Lover, newly released, discussing metrosexuals, women sucking cock, fat women running after cheesecake, women refusing to suck Jude Law’s cock because he’s too feminine, etc:

    http://www.blogto.com/tno/2009/03/dimitri_the_lover_exposes_himself/index.php

  10. Snow says:

    Cant be Maddof, hes too busy gargling inmate #1734682.

  11. Anonymous says:

    whoever came up with this is the biggest douchebag of them all. Find something better to do with your life douchebag

  12. Anonymous says:

    Douchebags are people that vote without knowing the subject, like voting for a Messiah. I would be glad to hang out with Rush and Ann.

  13. Angry Black Man says:

    How the hell are you guys making Al Sharpton a bigger douche than Glenn Beck? Have any of you bastards seen what Glenn Beck has done on TV? He cries about everything! Al Sharpton isn’t a saint, but he ain’t no crybaby!

  14. Ap3sh1t says:

    I dnt see how bernie madoff wont win this entire thing that sumama bitch caused 2 people to take their own life. He should not only win the douchebag tournament but the next tournament ” Who’s gonna be Satans bitch”

  15. yr girlfriend says:

    How is Barry Bonds beating Kobe Bryant?

    In Barry’s description it says, “Anytime you subject someone to daily ass rapings, you’re a douche.”

    Now, in Kobe’s (alleged, whatever) rape case, the woman said the vaginal sex was consensual. Anal sex, however, wasn’t.

    Therefore, while it wasn’t “daily,” Kobe Bryant’s proves to be a bigger douche than Barry Bond using Barry’s description.

  16. Anonymous says:

    Al Sharpton is that you?

  17. Anonymous says:

    That’s so your mom can have better access bitch.

  18. Anonymous says:

    Because she was stripping for your dad a year ago.

  19. Anonymous says:

    that is because you too, my friend, are a douchebag.

  20. Anonymous says:

    Ann Coulter has discovered Holy Taco and is now actively participating as the above comment has proven.

  21. zanga says:

    Dude why are they missing nancy grace?

  22. Bucky says:

    Ooh – good call.

  23. Kanye sucks!! says:

    Right now Chris Brown is the biggest douche bc of his woman-beating. He deserves to have his ass kicked but Kanye is the all-time biggest douche that has ever walked the face of Earth!!!!!!!

  24. Al-P says:

    chris brown who?? if Kanye “the epitome of the word douchebag” West gets bet by faggoty little chris brown, then fuck this whole competition, and fuck you holy taco voters.

  25. Anonymous says:

    Chris Brown is going to win.

    Be prepared to be pissed,

  26. Ookla the Mok says:

    Hate that I had to pick between 8mom and P-Diddy. They both think that they are bigger fish than they are (a hallmark of douche qualification) but I think Diddy has better douche cred. 8mom will eventually metamorphose into something else (like asylum inmate or truculent bitch, etc) but Diddy will ever remain in his fictional realm.

    P-Diddy is the same deluded fucking DOUCHEBAG yesterday, today, and tomorrow. I will be pissed if Chris Brown beats him in the next round simply by virtue of throwin a beatin on his whore.

  27. Anonymous says:

    Glenn Beck plays the crying like a sniveling cunt card.

  28. Anonymous says:

    That’s because he just saw your fugly ass mom bitch

  29. Anonymous says:

    You could have voted as many times as you wanted to.

  30. Skummer says:

    Dude, Mr. Katie Holmes is in a class all his own. Don’t be such a cruisebag.

  31. Anonymous says:

    WTF? Tom Cruise lost? This whole contest is fucking rigged, I tell ya.

  32. Chief Sleeping Goat says:

    no. it’s not. that’s all.

  33. Penis says:

    Chris brown was a colossal douche even before he pounded on/bit rhianna.

  34. Paul says:

    I can’t belive Tom Cruise lost. Chris Brown isnt even a douche, hes just a woman beater. I think everyone has a diffrent idea of what a douche is..

  35. Anonymous says:

    Paul= women beating condoning Douche

  36. bambam says:

    Really? its ok to beat up your woman? i imagine you are still single OR dating an ignorant whore. either one.

  37. Pratik says:

    I say Octomom is going to win it all.

    She beat Dane Cook and Perez Hilton. That’s downright scary.

  38. Anonymous says:

    Glen Beck is a douche out of ingnorance but Al sharpton is fully aware of his douchery!

  39. Gabroe says:

    Don’t worry, anyway I don’t think anyone will beat Chris Brown.

  40. cory says:
    It was a close contest, but Kanye edged him out by about 2% points. It was some serious douche-on-douche action.
  41. Al-P says:

    this is a douchebag competition not a woman beating competition, therefore kanye west should win in a landslide.

  42. warvette says:

    Obviously, Al Sharpton should’ve been a higher seed though Octo-mom and AIG will be a tough call.

  43. Anonymous says:

    That’s easy, Sharpton is beating Beck because Beck doesn’t take advantage of an entire community. He also doesn’t insist on playing the race card for every little problem. Al Sharpton is the biggest douche here plain and simple.

  44. Anonymous says:

    Yeah tom cruise needs to be in the final 4.I cant believe he lost.

    Alsoooo… how is that al sharpton is beating glenn beck. Glenn beck is one of the douchiest people in the world. He cries on national television, is a complete and utter nutcase, a crazy mormon, and is on fox news.

    Just youtube glenn beck and u will see.

  45. Anonymous says:

    i can’t believe tom cruise lost either. He was a favorite going in.

  46. Snow says:

    Beck may be a whiny cunt, but if all the races got together tomorrow hed still have a job and he knows it. If that happens the “Reverand” is fucked, also dosent he have an illigitmate kid or two? Nice. Btw, wheres the la papa in all this? did he get eliminated already?

  47. rgar says:

    My predictions are that it’s going to be between AIG and Octo-Mom . . . Maybe the two should call it a draw and go fuck themselves?

  48. Anonymous says:

    I agree, but Kanye is not the epitome of douche, that is reserved for ultra-mega douche Keith Olbermann, who should have beaten everybody in his bracket by a landslide.