Before we get to the Elite 8 match-ups, let’s take a look at the results from yesterday’s contests:
(1) Kanye West – 80.3% defeated (4) Lady Gaga – 19.7%
(3) Jay Leno – 62.5% defeated (2) Jeff Zucker – 37.5%
(6) The Yankees – 55% defeated (2) Tim Tebow – 45%
(9) Jimmy Clausen – 75% defeated (12) Tony Kornheiser – 25%
(1) Glenn Beck – 67.5% defeated (4) Pat Robertson – 32.5%
(2) Sarah Palin – 52.7% defeated (6) Ann Coulter – 47.3%
(1) Jim Kramer – 51% defeated (12) Prince Al-Waleed – 49%
(2) Joe Francis – 70.2% defeated (6) Joe Cassano – 29.8%
With the exception of the 6-seed Yankees knocking out 2-seed Tebow, yesterday’s contests were pretty much by the books. Leno knocked out Jeff Zucker, proving that people just really hate Jay Leno. Let’s get into today’s match-ups: The Elite 8!
(1) Kanye West
Round 1: defeated Jon Gosselin, Round 2: defeated John Mayer, Sweet 16: defeated Lady Gaga
Kanye has had an incredibly douchey year, making him a formidable foe for anyone who’s trying to wear the crown of Douchebag of the Year. It’s interesting that the two division finalists are competitors who had a flair-up of douchiness this year, rather than someone like Charlie Sheen or John Mayer, who’s just consistently douchey all the time. It’s going to take an incredibly douchey outburst to top Kanye’s MTV Music Video Awards antics, but if there’s anyone who can compete, it’s got to be:
(3) Jay Leno
Round 1: defeated R.Pattinson, Round 2: defeated Spencer & Heidi, Sweet 16: defeated J. Zucker
Jay Leno has dominated every competitor he’s come up against. He’s manhandled his opponents with the furvor a corporate executive shaking a late night talk show host around like a ragdoll, including his last opponent, Jeff Zucker, who is a corporate executive who shook a late night talk show host around like a ragdoll. Leno may have had a more active role in the CoCo debauchle than he’s letting on, but one thing is for sure: people f*cking HATE Jay Leno, and while that weakens his chances of getting home from work every night, it strengthens his odds of dominating this tournament.
(9) Jimmy Clausen
Round 1: defeated L. Kiffin, Round 2: defeated T. Woods, Sweet 16: defeated T. Kornheiser
Jimmy Clausen is the lowest seed remaining in the tournament, but don’t let that fool you: he’s taken out some of the Sports Division’s toughest competitors, including the 1-seed and predicted finalist Tiger Woods. The name may not be household, but make no mistake about it: Jimmy Clausen is a massive douchebag, and the world knows it.
(6) The New York Yankees
Round 1: defeated S. Sosa, Round 2: defeated G.Arenas, Sweet 16: defeated T. Tebow
Like Clausen, the Yankees have demolished some tough competition on their road to the Elite 8. They took out 2-seed Tim Tebow in the last round, and we thought that Tebow would be a sure bet in the Final Four, especially after Tiger Woods was knocked out in the 2nd round. We forgot how much people hate the Yankees, and that’s ultimately what this battle (and therefore the Sports Division) is going to come down to: how many people hate the Yankees.
(1) Glenn Beck
Round 1: defeated S. Brown, Round 2: defeated B. Frank, Sweet 16: defeated P. Robertson
With the exception of Beck’s Sweet 16 win over Pat Robertson, his wins so far have been fairly easy and predictable. Round 2 was a partisan battle between Beck and Barney Frank, so it was easy for voters to decide who they like or hated, simply based on the competitor’s political standing. Beck’s defeat of Pat Robertson in the Sweet 16 solidified his position as a 1-seed though: that win can’t be attributed to political lines or name recognition alone: that was pure douchebaggery at work.
(2) Sarah Palin
Round 1: defeated D. Paterson, Round 2: defeated J. Edwards, Sweet 16: defeated A. Coulter
Palin’s track record in the tournament thus far has almost mirrored that of 1-seed Glenn Beck. Here first round win over low-seeded New York Governor David Paterson was an easy one. The John Edwards defeat in Round 2 can be attributed to party-lines, like Beck’s defeat of Barney Frank. In the Sweet 16, Palin defeated fellow conservative spokeswoman Ann Coulter, signifying that Palin’s full of enough douche to staff an Abercrombie & Fitch store at the mall.
(1) Jim Kramer
Round 1: defeated R. Rajaratnam, Round 2: defeated J. Thain, Sweet 16: defeated Al-Waleed
Jim Kramer hasn’t really faced any highly-ranked competition thus far in the tournament. He took out a 16-seed (Raj Rajaratnam), a 9-seed (John Thain), and a short-lived darkhorse 12-seed (Prince Al-Waleed) in the Sweet 16 round, but this match-up against 2-seed Joe Francis will be his first serious contest of the tournament. Let’s hope he saved a little bit of douchiness.
(2) Joe Francis
Round 1: defeated S. Israel, Round 2: defeated V.Pandit, Sweet 16: defeated J. Cassano
Joe Francis has beaten sleazy businessmen in this tournament like they were women in Los Angeles night clubs (get it? Because he did that. He beat a woman in a night club in Los Angeles). He’s taken out some of the greediest motherf*ckers in the world, and he hasn’t just slipped by them, either; he’s beaten the hell out of them. Francis is a serious contender in the tournament, and Kramer really hasn’t seen any serious competition yet, so the match-up should be interesting.