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2010 Douchebag Tournament: Final Four!

 
We’ve made it to the Final Four of the 2010 Douchebag Tournament.  Today’s contests will determine the competitors in tomorrow’s 2010 Douchebag Championship.  Before we dig into the Final Four match-ups, let’s take a look at yesterday’s results:

ENTERTAINMENT
(1) Kanye West – 68%                       defeated                      (3) Jay Leno – 32%

SPORTS
(9) Jimmy Clausen – 51.8%              defeated                      (6) The Yankees – 48.2%

POLITICS
(1) Glenn Beck – 69.7%                    defeated                       (2) Sarah Palin – 30.3%

BUSINESS
(2) Joe Francis – 58%                        defeated                      (1) Jim Kramer – 42%
 
As you can see by the awesome graphic above, here are the Final Four match-ups, along with our analysis of today’s contests:
 
 
Justin: Jimmy Clausen has always been on my list of "People I’d Like to Watch Die in a Very Final Destination-esque Way", but he was not on my list of possible Final Four contenters. As a 9-seed coming into the tournament, he gave Tiger Woods a royal ass-kicking in the second round. We both thought that Tiger would at least make it to the Final Four, if not the Championship round, but Jimmy Clausen really douched the shit out of him. That’s evidence of just how much of a douchebag he really is. On the other side of the contest, Kanye is a consistent, steadfast symbol of ultimate douchiness/possible mental retardation. He’s endured for the entire tournament, and while he’s gone up against some worthy adversaries, he’s had no trouble knocking them out. This contest will probably be close, and I’d like to go with darkhorse Clausen, but I’m sticking with my favorite idiot-savant Kanye on this one.
 
Johnny: This is a surprising match up. No one thought Clausen would make it to the Final Four. It’s really a Cinderella story here, and who knows the actual reason why he’s made it this far. It could be the fact that he played QB for Notre Dame, a team we love to hate.  It could also be the fact that he has a look on his face like he’s just smelled a rancid, rotten egg, sulfer fart. He certainly looks like a huge douche in his picture, and that helps. Kanye is going to be hard to beat, though. He’s got being a douche down to a science.  In fact, Kanye’s been a mega douche since Clausen was leaving rancid, rotten egg sulfer shits in his diaper.
 
 
Johnny: The country is split on whether or not Beck is a douche.  Some say he’s the biggest douche ever, while others see him as the voice of the people.  One thing is for certain: everyone considers Joe Francis a douche. His only saving grace is that many of our voters appreciate the work he’s done with the Titty Liberation Movement in places like Panama City Beach and Cancun. He’s certainly done the Lord’s work down there.  It’s going to be an interesting match up, because people are very passionate about politics and titties. This contest is anyone’s game.
 
Justin: It’s ironic that Glenn Beck, who’s famous for frequently crying like a girl, is going up against Joe Francis, who frequently makes girls cry.  People hate Glenn Beck, and they want nothing more than to watch him suffer and die and lose this tournament (not necessarily in that order). Joe Francis, on the other hand, might be the most textbook douchey guy on the planet. I think you’re analysis on this match up is spot on, though: when voters are weighing the pros and cons of each of these contenders, they’re going to have to consider the fact that Joe Francis likes titties, and so do they. Joe Francis is like your one friend who has a handicapped plate on his parents’ van: you don’t really like the guy, but he has the ability to make things way more convenient for you. The only difference with Francis is that instead of getting you a good parking spot at Best Buy, he brings you a wealth of good titties to view on DVD, and that’s fantastic if your internet goes down or something.  I’m gonna say that people will side with their fellow titty-fanatic and Beck will win this match-up.
 

28 Responses to "2010 Douchebag Tournament: Final Four!"

  1. 2008 Taxes says:

    Justin is the big db.

  2. Denunzio says:

    Say what you want but the final 4 should be between Reid, Pelosi, Obama and Biden. I don’t care who you vote for or how much pot you smoke, those 4 suck balls

  3. HolyTacoIsTheTurdInThePunchBowl says:

    DURP…GLENN BECK

  4. mem says:

    Who is Jimmy Clausen? I’ve never heard of this guy.

    Kanye and Beck easily.

  5. AldoRaine says:

    I’m sorry, but douchebags usually don’t realize how douchey they are. Kanye raps about being a douche: “I feel the pressure under more scrutiny. And what I do? Act more stupidly.” (from a song literally titled “Can’t Tell Me Nothing.”)

    You’re not a douche if your whole game plan is to be as douchey as possible. The rest of the participants in this tournament actually think they’re behavior is right. He’s the only guy with the balls to say, “I do dumb shit and you’re probably just going to keep listening anyway.” He’s the only guy that would win and say, “Duh – that’s the point.”

  6. fu says:

    toucher and rich already did this last year…

  7. fiz says:

    Say what I want? Ok, how bout “I disagree”

  8. fiz says:

    Kanye deliberately being a douche means he is an uberdouche.
    Beck thinks he’s right cause he’s a moron. And a douche.

  9. Jack says:

    I’d like Joe Francis to win. He’s both the most interesting candidate left in the tournament, and the best example of a real douchebag.

    Kanye is just a clown, and is much too predictable. Glenn Beck is a weak man, and Jimmy Clausen seems to have only made it this far because of his appearance. Joe Francis, on the other hand, is a bully who gives the porn industry a bad name. Show some originality and vote for him.

  10. Pony Boy says:

    Glenn Beck because he gets people to fall for his bullshit. Nobody falls for Kanye’s bullshit.

  11. Terry says:

    My problem isn’t that they don’t agree with everything they say. It’s that they don’t agree with ANYTHING they say, which is just as bad. I’ve learned that just because you don’t like someone doesn’t mean they are always wrong (and the converse is true as well).

  12. Terry is a bigger douche says:

    you mean “united” as in “agrees with everything the other side says is right’?

  13. Terry says:

    I completely agree. At least most people write Kanye West off as a loser. But Glenn Beck is scary because people actually believe his bullshit. I believe he’s helping keep this country divided instead of united.

  14. yur mom says:

    Kanye grabs the mic from Justin and says:

    “Joe Francis is definately a douchebag and all, … and Imma let’chu finnish, but by far, I am the biggest douchebag of all time… OF ALL TIME!!”

    Kanye FTW… unquestionably THE biggest douchebag of all time.

  15. DonkeyXote says:

    First time I actually voted on this tournament.

    Fuck Kayne, and any male wearing pink sunglasses!

  16. DonkeyXote's Tranny Mom says:

    Is that why you were furiously masturbating to Kanye last night? I didn’t think a human body could contort like that, but I gues when you are 90% fat, your body can twist in any direction imaginable.

  17. mem says:

    Um yeah.. she certainly should have beaten Edwards. At least he went away after his failure.

  18. Yukon Cornelius says:

    Uh, no he shouldn’t. Edwards went away but his skank ho is now plastered everywhere. At least Palin has the MILF thing going for her.

  19. Left of Center says:

    Kanye beat Leno!? Beck Beat Palin!? Thats a load of shit. Leno sucks way worse than Kanye. And while Glenn Beck sucks balls, Palin is evil incarnate. Oh well…guess I’m going with Beck FTW.

  20. Tater says:

    You do realize that winning this tournament is a BAD thing right?

  21. Tater says:

    Being evil and stupid doesn’t make you a douche.

    Not to mention, I have a hard time making an argument that a female can be a douchebag at all.

    Anyway, Palin went way to far in this tournament to begin with. She should have never beat John Edwards, much less destroy him.

    PS: HT, your Captcha just gave me the hardest captcha of all time… Carapace Guerrillas

  22. Tim Robbins says:

    Shouldn’t you be apologizing to Sandra?

  23. jesse james says:

    First, fuck ya!

  24. 00kla the M0k says:

    Please explain and give details.

  25. john Goodman says:

    It’s going to be so hard for me to pick between Kanye and Beck. On one hand Kanye is the quintessential douche bag. Totally full of himself, and even said in an interview that if the bible was rewritten today he would have his own chapter. He also thinks Gold digger is one of the greatest rap songs ever written. That is really douchey.

    But Beck is just such a douche bag it’s hard to even explain or give examples. All of his theories are completely ridiculous and his pandering to religious emotions just makes you want to punch him in the face.

    I’m so torn…

    PS Claussen’s picture alone got him to the final four…

  26. justin says:
    Totally agree. Also, you were great in Arachnaphobia.
  27. Conan says:

    How in the fuck did Leno not make the final 4? Fuck Kanye for stealing that from me!

  28. pratik says:

    At this point, I gotta go with cactus-head to win it all.