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2010 Douchebag Tournament: Round 1, Day 1

Here are the match-ups for Round 1, Day 1 of the 2010 Douchebag Tournament. We’re going to post a lot of match-ups all at once during the first round, so bear with us while we get the riff-raff out of the way. As we get into the tournament and the number of competitors dwindle, we’ll be able to provide a more in-depth analysis. Also, check out the voting boxes just below each of the match-up pictures. When you scroll over them, you’ll see the names turn yellow, and when you click it your vote will be tallied.  Here are today’s douchebag match-ups:
 
(1) Kanye West
Why He’s a Douchebag: If you interrupt someone in public while they’re accepting an award and retardedly and inappropriately exclaim that they didn’t deserve to win it, that’s referred to as "pulling a Kanye". If your name is synonymous with highly offensive public behavior, then you are a douchebag.
 
(16) Jon Gosselin
Why He’s a Douchebag: Jon was the star of Jon & Kate Plus 8, a show illustrating the difficulties he and his wife faced in raising 8 children. Then in 2009 Jon decided to divorce his wife because he was banging her plastic surgeon’s daughter. We don’t care about any of that, but he wears a ton of Ed Hardy, and that makes him a huge douchebag.
 
(1) Tiger Woods
Why He’s a Douchebag: He cheated on his super-hot Swedish model wife repeatedly with something like 15 different women. That makes him a professional athlete. He’s a douchebag because she beat the shit out of him for it, and then he lied about that stuff until so many women had come forward that he had to ‘fess up.
 
(16) Floyd Mayweather
Why He’s a Douchebag: Floyd was supposed to fight Pacquiao this month, but he kept being a bitch about it and complaining about getting drug tests done Olympic-style, which Pacquiao’s guys didn’t agree with. This would’ve been an epic boxing match and Floyd knew he’d probably get his ass kicked, so he pussied out like only a douchebag would.
 
(1) Glenn Beck
Why He’s a Douchebag: Glenn Beck is a retarded idiot who was given time to talk and cry on television, and he uses it to vomit out conservative retard-logic faster than a 16-year old bulemic girl coughs up french fries.
 
(16) Scott Brown
Why He’s a Douchebag: Brown is the new Senator of Massachusetts. He’s also a republican, and he’s taking the seat formerly held by Teddy Kennedy, a staunch democrat. Scott Brown also posed nude in Cosmo in the ’80′s, which was that decade’s equivelant of texting a pic of your penis to a girl: it’s pretty funny, but also super douchy.
 
(1) Jim Kramer
Why He’s a Douchebag: Jim Kramer should be a landlord in some shitty, worn-down Brooklyn apartment building. He should just come out in a filthy wifebeater and scream at you when you’re trying to sneak in to avoid paying the rent. Somehow, CNBC decided to give him Mad Money, a show about finance. He’s always wrong because he’s an idiot, and he adamently denies it because he’s a douchebag.
 
(16) Raj Rajaratnam
Why He’s a Douchebag: He was arrested in 2009 for insider-trading. He’s the richest Sri-Lankan in the world, but that’s like saying you’re the best masturbator ever: it’s only important to you, and nobody else gives a shit. In real-world terms, Raj is worth about 1.8 billion dollars. This is impressive, considering that he’s suspected of secretly funding a violent and bloody civil war in Sri Lanka right now.
 

(8) T-Pain
Why He’s a Douchebag: Remember when songs used to be performed by people who could actually sing, instead of by computers who could make anyone kind of sing? Well thanks to T-Pain, your children will never have that memory. He’s like the Cyberdine of the music world: his ideas seem innocent and quirky now, but they’re laying the groundwork for the destruction of the (music) world as we know it.
 
(9) John Mayer
Why He’s a Douchebag: John Mayer makes me hope that T-Pain’s computer singing vocoder technique will take over the entire music industry, just so I won’t have to listen to John Mayer anymore. He sings like a 60-year old man, he looks like a 14-year old boy, and he dates all of the hottest desperate 20-35 year old babes Hollywood has to offer. Something’s not right with him, and he must be stopped.
 
(8) Lane Kiffen
Why He’s a Douchebag: Lane Kiffin became the youngest head coach in the NFL (with the Raiders), then the youngest head coach in college football last year when he signed on to replace Phillip Fulmer as head coach of the Tennessee Volunteers. He immediately began running his mouth like a douche, which resulted in a number of recruiting violations. To top it all off, he left Tennessee after only one year to take the head job at USC. He also has a smoking hot wife. 
 
(9) Jimmy Clausen
Why He’s a Douchebag: You know that guy you went to college with that you never said one word to but you just knew was a huge douche? Well, that guy is Jimmy Clausen. He’s the former quarterback for Notre Dame and he’s a douche because, well, just look at him. He looks like Nordic Guido. 
 
(8) Barack Obama
Why He’s a Douchebag: He’s a politician, and that alone makes him a huge douchebag. Aside from that, Obama hasn’t fulfilled very many promises that he made while campaigning. I understand that being the President is not easy, but as the first black president, it’s important to do something to be remembered by. Anything. Until then, he’s an inactive douchebag.
 
(9) Barney Frank
Why He’s a Douchebag: Anyone who makes his money in politics, looks like a cartoon dog, and sounds like the original Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland, gets labeled a douche simply for being annoying. You may not agree with his policies, but everyone can agree: this guy can only be taken in small doses. 
 
(8) Aubrey McClendon
Why He’s a Douchebag: Aubrey is a former Duke frat boy, so you know he’s already a huge douche.  He’s also the partial-owner of an energy company that has since gone into the dumps in an Enron-esque blaze of glory, and he’s donated tons of money to conservative movements and causes, like defiling the name of John Kerry.
 
(9) John Thain
Why He’s a Douchebag: Thain is the guy who used to run Merrill Lynch, until he ran it completely dry and then sold it off to Bank of America.  After that, though, he spent 1.2 million dollars of the bankrupt company’s money renovating his office with purchases like a $35,000 chair and a $14,000 toilet.
 
(5) The Cast of Jersey Shore
Why They’re Douchebags: They’re pretty much the definition of douchebags. They even hang out on the Jersey Shore willingly. The only way they could be more douchey is if they actually cleaned out vaginas for a living, and as far as I can tell all they do is dirty them up or completely neglect them.
 
(12) Justin Bieber
Why He’s a Douchebag:  Justin has been a popular musician in Canada for a while now, which isn’t really saying much. They call ham "bacon" up there, so you can already tell they’re a little off. Plus, this kid looks exactly like Ellen Page, and she’s not attractive even to dudes, so I don’t understand how this kid can be a heart-throb to anyone unless he’s a complete douche.
 
(5) Brett Favre
Why He’s a Douchebag: You can only threaten to retire so many times before people just stop giving a shit about you.  It’s time, America.
 
(12) Tony Kornheiser
Why He’s a Douchebag: Tony is a long-time sports writer an analyst. He’s also incredibly racist and incredibly sexist, and he’s gotten into a lot of trouble over the years for saying terrible things on television.
 
(5) Jim Bunning
Why He’s a Douchebag: Jim Bunning is Republican Senator from Kentucky, and he’s such a douche that even other Republican Senators hate him, which is saying a lot. He’s threatened to sue other Republicans if they ran against him. Only about 28% of Kentuckians actually like him, but he still ran again and somehow got re-elected. Bottom line: nobody likes this dude because he’s a dickhead.
 
(12) Keith Olbermann
Why He’s a Douchebag: Olbermann is the liberal version of Glenn Beck. He spews talking points, and it seems good because he’s saying the opposite of what the Fox News guys are saying. But even though he’s saying something different, he’s doing the same thing. It’s like Fox News is saying "Peanut Butter is better because you’re a bitch!" and then Olbermann responds by saying, "No, jelly is better because f*ck you!" 
 
(5) Steve Jobs
Why He’s a Douchebag: The I-Pad F*CKING SUCKS.
 
(12) Prince Al-Waleed
Why He’s a Douchebag: He’s a Saudi Arabian prince, and the 19th richest person in the world. His estimated worth is about $19.4 Billion. He made most of his money in real estate and business investments. He also uses a lot of his money to perpetuate the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Here’s what really qualified him for the tournament, though: see how he’s dressed in the pic above? He dresses like that every day.
 
(4) Lady Gaga
Why She’s a Douchebag: Are you kidding? Look at her! She’s an ugly girl with a half-talented voice who dresses like something that got jammed in the machine at the Muppet-building factory so that nobody will pay too much attention to her horrid face or lackadaisical voice.
 
(13) Charlie Sheen
Why He’s a Douchebag: He’s the star of 2 and a Half Men…..oh, and he’s also a wife-beater and a cokehead.
 
(4) Charles Barkley
Why He’s a Douchebag: Everyone on earth has a love/hate relationship with Charles Barkley. We love him because of his ridiculous, opinionated statements while commentating NBA games. We hate him because his opinionated statements are ridiculous, and most of the time they don’t relate to basketball at all. Also, it seems like he’s drunk all the time, and he did that shitty Taco Bell commercial that gets stuck in your head and makes you want to stab yourself in the ears to get it out.
 
(13) LeGarrette Blount
Why He’s a Douchebag: LeGarrette Blount was the University of Oregon player who punched a Boise St. player after the game, just like a douchebag would. He got benched for it, then reinstated, but he didn’t play for the rest of the season.
 
(4) Pat Robertson
Why He’s a Douchebag: Pat Robertson’s entire life has been a cycle of saying stupid things and then claiming that God told him to say them, like we’re supposed to believe that God is a racist 14-year old 4chan commenter who’s chosen to use a stupid old man as a medium. Most recently, he said that Haiti deserved to be destroyed by a horrendous earthquake as punishment for practicing voodoo.
 
(13) Harold Ford, Jr.
Why He’s a Douchebag: Harold Ford, Jr. is a former Tennessee Congressman who decided to run for Senate in the State of New York. He ended up being so douchey and disjointed from the public that he was forced to drop out of the race before even getting a chance to run. He was also accused of receiving a taxpayer backed bonus from Bank of America while working as a executive for Merril Lynch. 
 
(4) Timothy Geitner
Why He’s a Douchebag: Timothy Geitner is the current Secretary of the Treasury and the person responsible for the Government’s spending of the $350 billion bail out. It also came out that he had not paid his taxes for several years. Lots of people consider this man a douche. 
 
(13) Daniel Sadek
Why He’s a Douchebag: Daniel Sadek made his fortune issuing subprime mortgages, and as a result he was able to fulfill his dream of collecting exotic cars. Sadek was so in love with his car collection, he decided to fund a movie to the tune of 26 million dollars featuring all of them. No one saw the movie and the only publicity it got came from a news article that explained why one of his Ferraris accidentally crashed in to a telephone pole. 
 
 

68 Responses to "2010 Douchebag Tournament: Round 1, Day 1"

  1. viktor says:

    Rush Limbaugh and the Teabaggers Cult.

  2. pratik says:

    My girlfriend made me pick Prince Al-Waleed over Steve Jobs… hopefully Jobs pulls through so my Final Four stays intact: Leno, Jobs, Woods, Robertson.

  3. Pony Boy says:

    Why isn’t Kate Gosselin on here? She’s a bigger douche than Jon because she acts like she gives a shit about those kids.

  4. warvette says:

    god, i love you guys. i really, really mean it- thank god for this tournament. there’s nothing i’ve anticipated more this year.

  5. Some buddy says:

    Tony Kornheiser hasn’t been relevant since he left Monday Night Football in 2008, so I’m proposing that his spot be relinquished to the moronic douchebags currently working at Holy Taco.

  6. Grundle King says:

    Not sure why LeGarrett Blount makes the list. He shouldn’t have punched the guy, but the Boise State player shouldn’t have provoked him. A little more class from both sides would have prevented this.

  7. office jerk says:

    With such a geeky commentary like the one above, I seriously doubt there’s a girlfriend to begin with…

  8. pratik's girlfriend says:

    Bull’s eye! I don’t exist in pratik’s life, he’s just trying to act cool.

    Stupid wannabe!

  9. Belisarius33 says:

    You forgot Teddy Kennedy, one of the biggest douchebags of all. Not everyone gets to kill the chick you’re banging and then . And lets not forget the current rookie driving the country into third world status, that’s douchebaggery on an epic scale. I read these comments and laugh because someday you losers will be in the real world and no one is going to hold your hand or wipe your nose. Especially the government. Good luck and remember, pay your taxes, millions are counting on you.

  10. Dude. says:

    I am nominating you for this contest.

  11. Steve says:

    r u fucking kidding me? justin bieber is the biggest fucking douche on the mother fucking planet!!!

  12. sidewind says:

    Compleatly agree with the argument of why t pain is a deuch and hope he wins the crown also hope if he does holy taco is kind enough to alert him of the fact or contact him and call him a deuch anyways

  13. Hong Kong Fuey says:

    Always bet on black. And my CAPTCHA word tonight? Jacobi!
    One of my favorite Redskins!

  14. PubEnemy#1 says:

    What the fuck are you talking about? Pacquiao’s not doing the test cause he obviously takes steriods. Mayweather will beat the shit out of him.

  15. VaJJ says:

    Lady Gaga doesn’t have a bad voice. Poker Face is the song right now with the lyrics viewed the most times.

  16. God says:

    Ok Ok Fine. You are welcome. But please son, if you’ve been waiting for this the whole year, go get yourself a life. You know I created pussy right?

  17. second. says:

    dipshit

  18. PuckJew says:

    I did not see the HolyTaco staff on this one. Should fall on the “Entertainment” bracket. Fuck you all!

  19. LadyGagaSucksBalls says:

    You have a horrible taste in music if you like her voine, maybe you should go to youtube and listen to her live on ELLEN. She sucks and so do you!

  20. Person that lived in the Soviet Union says:

    Obama and the rest of his Commie pinko bastard friends.

  21. DonkeyXote says:

    Oh, cool. Maybe tomorrow you’ll learn how to spell douche you fuckwit.

  22. 2009 Taxes says:

    So many douchebags, so little time.

  23. really says:

    who watches ellen?

  24. therapist says:

    Yeah, LeGarrett Blount definitely doesn’t belong. Of ALL the douches in pro sports this college kid is the best you can come up with to go against Barkley??

  25. Billygoat's Gruff says:

    I happen to find Lady Gaga very attractive when she isn’t dressed like a packhorse. She has a very pretty face and great body.

  26. justin says:
    Are you kidding me?! He punched a dude after a college football game, got suspended, and then wrote a bunch of sappy, whiny letters to the coach and the school paper begging to be put back in. His behavior was unprofessional and immature, and then he groveled like a bitch for forgiveness instead of just taking responsibility for his behavior like an adult man would. I’d expect that maybe at a pop warner level, but not in college sports. If we had a National Pussy Tournament, he’d be in that one, but we don’t have that tournament, so Douchebag is the next best label we can give him.
  27. Tony K says:

    Kornheiser’s a racist? Better not tell Mike Wilbon that.

  28. Someguy says:

    Sorry, but the reasoning for why Mayer’s a douchebag sounds more “heroic” to me than douchebaggy. so his music is pop/cheese, but he’s a mad guitar player and he’s doing EXACTLY what any of the rest of us would do if we were that popular and single: bang as many hot chicks as humanly possible.
    Ain’t nothin’ wrong with that.

  29. Blah Blah Blah says:

    Agreed. The dude who got punched was just talking shit back to him and not being a douche bag. Jail would have been the right place for Blount, and I am sure it will be soon enough.

  30. P says:

    EXACTYL WTF HT. I usually agree but not on this 1

  31. 00kla the m0k says:

    Mayweather has been an absolute p.o.s. for a long time. His candy-ass tactic versus Pac is just another symptom of his D-baggery. Pac has never tested positive for doping and that stuff doesn’t fade fast enough to escape notice. You, sir, are a mouth breathing fanboi bereft of logic faculties and probably drive like some quasi-rapstar toughguy with your wrist draped over the top of the steering wheel.

    Pacquiao will be beaten. Just not by cowards like Mayweather. Look for Mayweather to douche his way into quarterfinals.

  32. carrie says:

    Sadek looks like a douche without even reading his bio, look at that hair!!!! Ugh! I don’t care how much money he has left after paying back those millions he owes….wouldn’t touch that douchey hair!!!!!!!!!!! Ewwww.

  33. therapist says:

    Not sure where you get your facts from, but he didn’t write any whiny letters begging to be put back in. He got suspended, accepted it, but still practiced on the SCOUT TEAM to stay in shape. THEN, their coach reinstated him after he met a bunch of requirements and he still didn’t play until the last game of the season and their bowl game.
    The dude that got clocked is the bigger douche for taunting him, then buckling like a bitch when Blount retaliated.
    Still there are WAAAAAY more “douches” in the sports world out there… Glad Barkley “won”

  34. VaJJ says:

    Apparently the guy up there does and if lady gaga did have balls I know you would be sucking them douche fag.

  35. DonkeyXoteâ„¢ says:

    and you need to learn how to use punctuation, dumb fuck!

  36. O,.o says:

    hey u forgot to put DonkeyXote in!!!

  37. Wow says:

    Ummm you have very biased opinions… Ur saying that Barack Obama has done nothing, when u have “NOOOOO” experience with dealing with politicians…. AND WDF, its only been a year? What did u expect, us flying around in hydrogen fuel cell hover crafts, and Universal Healthcare(The healthcare is right around the corner, if u have a mind).

  38. Lady WaWa says:

    There were several douches left off of those lists! Now what
    is up with Glenn Beck being the #1 douche and John Edwards is less of a douche? Give me a break! I also think Nancy Grace and Joy Behar should be on the list
    as they are such big douches. But the Douche Lord Award has to go to: IT’S A TIE! It’s a tie. The two Douche Lords are Tiger Woods and Jesse James. If you all remember Jesse James is married to Sandra Bullock.. He cheated on her (he’s
    out of his mind just for the act of that), with some tattooed freak, whom I think is a woman but I cannot be sure b/c of all of her tattoos. Okay, she’s a double douche!

  39. Lady WaWa says:

    The last name “Sadek” is an Arabic name, but that guy with the last name of Sadek doesn’t look too Arabic to me. Trust me, I know my Arabs.

  40. I don’t understand the selections. Many aren’t DBs in my book.

  41. John says:

    wow what a rational though process that is, and people say conservatives are bloodthirsty……

  42. six-pack of kegs says:

    someone needs to shoot Glen Beck

  43. john is an idiot says:

    shut up john you conservative prick. Glenn Beck is a retard who needs to be taken out back Old Yeller style.

  44. no you are says:

    oh right…liberals are all so much smarter than everyone else. they know exactly what is good for everyone. Liberals are all going to fuck our country.

  45. Unbunch your panties says:

    Take 5 minutes and go masturbate to Ann Coulter so we don’t have to hear your whining.

  46. Throbbin' Rod says:

    If the Liberals are going to fuck the whole country they are simply picking up the Republicans’ sloppy-2nds.

  47. Libertarian "Nutjob" says:

    Both of you idiots need to unbunch your panties and GTFO.

    Liberal go back to Europe with the rest of your Commie “comrads”.

    Republicans go to Iran and live with the “God pushers” and see what that’s like.

    GIVE ME LIBERTY, OR GIVE ME DEATH!!!

    P.S. Conservatives: STAY OUT OF MY FUCKING BEDROOM. Liberals: STAY GET FUCK OFF MY PROPERTY.

  48. Kenworth says:

    3 things

    1. There are Christians in both parties
    2. Most Iranians believe in Allah not God
    3. ‘comrad’ is spelled with an e

    Good day!

  49. justin says:
    good catch. thanks.
  50. That One Guy says:

    Jim Kramer isn’t on Fox jackasses, he’s on CNBC.

  51. Grundle King says:

    In light of this revelation, will you be submitting yourselves in the douchebag contest?

  52. justin says:
    we don’t post things we find on 4chan. we post things that other people find on 4chan and post on their sites.
  53. HolyTacoSucksPHATnuts says:

    I AGREE WITH THAT ONE GUY. Holytaco please stay out of politics you have no idea what you’re talking about. You guys should just stick with your normal routine; posting things you find on Digg.com and 4chan.

  54. marymaryquitecontrary says:

    This dude has no idea what he’s talking about. y’all are hilarious- especially when it comes to politics!
    If you hate holytaco so much why are you here? And what the hell do you know about politics?

  55. Holy Taco's Attorney says:

    You sound like you know so much about politics… being a regular reader of digg.com, 4chan and holytaco.com. Go post your comments on the NY Times. You are too smart for us. Leave us alone.

  56. office jerk, says:

    The Cast of Jersey Shore vs. Justin Bieber

    WHY WOULD YOU MAKE ME CHOOSE, HOLY TACO? WHY.WOULD.YOU.MAKE.ME.CHOOOOOOOOoooooooooooose?

  57. office jerk says:

    Looks like my evil twin is at it again…

    although I agree with his/her comment!

  58. office jerk says:

    /You’re/ the evil twin! i thought i ate you at birth! curses!

  59. Dwight K. Schrute says:

    You forgot to mention that even though Tim “Turbo-Tax Cheat” Geithner “forgot” to pay all those taxes, he’s now the head of the IRS and is hiring alot of lawyers ot go after people who don’t pay their taxes, including 40 cents that a local car-wash company didn’t pay.

    He’s a huge douche.

  60. DonkeyXote says:

    Somebody needs to lay off E! and Cosmopolitan for a while.

    No wonder why you capitalize eugenics for no fucking reason!

    Total fucking douche!

  61. marymaryquitecontrary says:

    Holy shit, are you serious? What a shitty douchemaster.

  62. Dwight K. Schrute says:

    Very serious! =)

  63. DonkeyXote says:

    Hey you guys, does anyone know how to get rid of crabs? I think my sequential hermaphrodite sister my have “serviced” some random drifters again.

    I’m pathetic.

  64. Captain Obvious says:

    i dunno man, tiger sure seems like a sure thing to me…. or the cast of jersey shore, man i would love to watch those talentless goofs drown in urine!

  65. John says:

    No way olberfag isnt gonna win it all this year im pulling for you you huge douche!!!!!!!

  66. xxCriticalMassxx says:

    Frist..Oh shit i fucked it up!

  67. Captain Obvious says:

    jersey shore over justin bieber! bottom line….

  68. A-NON says:

    Word to all of your mothers.