Here are the match-ups for Round 1, Day 1 of the 2010 Douchebag Tournament. We’re going to post a lot of match-ups all at once during the first round, so bear with us while we get the riff-raff out of the way. As we get into the tournament and the number of competitors dwindle, we’ll be able to provide a more in-depth analysis. Also, check out the voting boxes just below each of the match-up pictures. When you scroll over them, you’ll see the names turn yellow, and when you click it your vote will be tallied. Here are today’s douchebag match-ups:
(1) Kanye West
Why He’s a Douchebag: If you interrupt someone in public while they’re accepting an award and retardedly and inappropriately exclaim that they didn’t deserve to win it, that’s referred to as "pulling a Kanye". If your name is synonymous with highly offensive public behavior, then you are a douchebag.
(16) Jon Gosselin
Why He’s a Douchebag: Jon was the star of Jon & Kate Plus 8, a show illustrating the difficulties he and his wife faced in raising 8 children. Then in 2009 Jon decided to divorce his wife because he was banging her plastic surgeon’s daughter. We don’t care about any of that, but he wears a ton of Ed Hardy, and that makes him a huge douchebag.
(1) Tiger Woods
Why He’s a Douchebag: He cheated on his super-hot Swedish model wife repeatedly with something like 15 different women. That makes him a professional athlete. He’s a douchebag because she beat the shit out of him for it, and then he lied about that stuff until so many women had come forward that he had to ‘fess up.
(16) Floyd Mayweather
Why He’s a Douchebag: Floyd was supposed to fight Pacquiao this month, but he kept being a bitch about it and complaining about getting drug tests done Olympic-style, which Pacquiao’s guys didn’t agree with. This would’ve been an epic boxing match and Floyd knew he’d probably get his ass kicked, so he pussied out like only a douchebag would.
(1) Glenn Beck
Why He’s a Douchebag: Glenn Beck is a retarded idiot who was given time to talk and cry on television, and he uses it to vomit out conservative retard-logic faster than a 16-year old bulemic girl coughs up french fries.
(16) Scott Brown
Why He’s a Douchebag: Brown is the new Senator of Massachusetts. He’s also a republican, and he’s taking the seat formerly held by Teddy Kennedy, a staunch democrat. Scott Brown also posed nude in Cosmo in the ’80′s, which was that decade’s equivelant of texting a pic of your penis to a girl: it’s pretty funny, but also super douchy.
(1) Jim Kramer
Why He’s a Douchebag: Jim Kramer should be a landlord in some shitty, worn-down Brooklyn apartment building. He should just come out in a filthy wifebeater and scream at you when you’re trying to sneak in to avoid paying the rent. Somehow, CNBC decided to give him Mad Money, a show about finance. He’s always wrong because he’s an idiot, and he adamently denies it because he’s a douchebag.
(16) Raj Rajaratnam
Why He’s a Douchebag: He was arrested in 2009 for insider-trading. He’s the richest Sri-Lankan in the world, but that’s like saying you’re the best masturbator ever: it’s only important to you, and nobody else gives a shit. In real-world terms, Raj is worth about 1.8 billion dollars. This is impressive, considering that he’s suspected of secretly funding a violent and bloody civil war in Sri Lanka right now.
Why He’s a Douchebag: Remember when songs used to be performed by people who could actually sing, instead of by computers who could make anyone kind of sing? Well thanks to T-Pain, your children will never have that memory. He’s like the Cyberdine of the music world: his ideas seem innocent and quirky now, but they’re laying the groundwork for the destruction of the (music) world as we know it.
(9) John Mayer
Why He’s a Douchebag: John Mayer makes me hope that T-Pain’s computer singing vocoder technique will take over the entire music industry, just so I won’t have to listen to John Mayer anymore. He sings like a 60-year old man, he looks like a 14-year old boy, and he dates all of the hottest desperate 20-35 year old babes Hollywood has to offer. Something’s not right with him, and he must be stopped.
(8) Lane Kiffen
Why He’s a Douchebag: Lane Kiffin became the youngest head coach in the NFL (with the Raiders), then the youngest head coach in college football last year when he signed on to replace Phillip Fulmer as head coach of the Tennessee Volunteers. He immediately began running his mouth like a douche, which resulted in a number of recruiting violations. To top it all off, he left Tennessee after only one year to take the head job at USC. He also has a smoking hot wife.
(9) Jimmy Clausen
Why He’s a Douchebag: You know that guy you went to college with that you never said one word to but you just knew was a huge douche? Well, that guy is Jimmy Clausen. He’s the former quarterback for Notre Dame and he’s a douche because, well, just look at him. He looks like Nordic Guido.
(8) Barack Obama
Why He’s a Douchebag: He’s a politician, and that alone makes him a huge douchebag. Aside from that, Obama hasn’t fulfilled very many promises that he made while campaigning. I understand that being the President is not easy, but as the first black president, it’s important to do something to be remembered by. Anything. Until then, he’s an inactive douchebag.
(9) Barney Frank
Why He’s a Douchebag: Anyone who makes his money in politics, looks like a cartoon dog, and sounds like the original Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland, gets labeled a douche simply for being annoying. You may not agree with his policies, but everyone can agree: this guy can only be taken in small doses.
(8) Aubrey McClendon
Why He’s a Douchebag: Aubrey is a former Duke frat boy, so you know he’s already a huge douche. He’s also the partial-owner of an energy company that has since gone into the dumps in an Enron-esque blaze of glory, and he’s donated tons of money to conservative movements and causes, like defiling the name of John Kerry.
(9) John Thain
Why He’s a Douchebag: Thain is the guy who used to run Merrill Lynch, until he ran it completely dry and then sold it off to Bank of America. After that, though, he spent 1.2 million dollars of the bankrupt company’s money renovating his office with purchases like a $35,000 chair and a $14,000 toilet.
(5) The Cast of Jersey Shore
Why They’re Douchebags: They’re pretty much the definition of douchebags. They even hang out on the Jersey Shore willingly. The only way they could be more douchey is if they actually cleaned out vaginas for a living, and as far as I can tell all they do is dirty them up or completely neglect them.
(12) Justin Bieber
Why He’s a Douchebag: Justin has been a popular musician in Canada for a while now, which isn’t really saying much. They call ham "bacon" up there, so you can already tell they’re a little off. Plus, this kid looks exactly like Ellen Page, and she’s not attractive even to dudes, so I don’t understand how this kid can be a heart-throb to anyone unless he’s a complete douche.
(5) Brett Favre
Why He’s a Douchebag: You can only threaten to retire so many times before people just stop giving a shit about you. It’s time, America.
(12) Tony Kornheiser
Why He’s a Douchebag: Tony is a long-time sports writer an analyst. He’s also incredibly racist and incredibly sexist, and he’s gotten into a lot of trouble over the years for saying terrible things on television.
(5) Jim Bunning
Why He’s a Douchebag: Jim Bunning is Republican Senator from Kentucky, and he’s such a douche that even other Republican Senators hate him, which is saying a lot. He’s threatened to sue other Republicans if they ran against him. Only about 28% of Kentuckians actually like him, but he still ran again and somehow got re-elected. Bottom line: nobody likes this dude because he’s a dickhead.
(12) Keith Olbermann
Why He’s a Douchebag: Olbermann is the liberal version of Glenn Beck. He spews talking points, and it seems good because he’s saying the opposite of what the Fox News guys are saying. But even though he’s saying something different, he’s doing the same thing. It’s like Fox News is saying "Peanut Butter is better because you’re a bitch!" and then Olbermann responds by saying, "No, jelly is better because f*ck you!"
(5) Steve Jobs
Why He’s a Douchebag: The I-Pad F*CKING SUCKS.
(12) Prince Al-Waleed
Why He’s a Douchebag: He’s a Saudi Arabian prince, and the 19th richest person in the world. His estimated worth is about $19.4 Billion. He made most of his money in real estate and business investments. He also uses a lot of his money to perpetuate the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Here’s what really qualified him for the tournament, though: see how he’s dressed in the pic above? He dresses like that every day.
(4) Lady Gaga
Why She’s a Douchebag: Are you kidding? Look at her! She’s an ugly girl with a half-talented voice who dresses like something that got jammed in the machine at the Muppet-building factory so that nobody will pay too much attention to her horrid face or lackadaisical voice.
(13) Charlie Sheen
Why He’s a Douchebag: He’s the star of 2 and a Half Men…..oh, and he’s also a wife-beater and a cokehead.
(4) Charles Barkley
Why He’s a Douchebag: Everyone on earth has a love/hate relationship with Charles Barkley. We love him because of his ridiculous, opinionated statements while commentating NBA games. We hate him because his opinionated statements are ridiculous, and most of the time they don’t relate to basketball at all. Also, it seems like he’s drunk all the time, and he did that shitty Taco Bell commercial that gets stuck in your head and makes you want to stab yourself in the ears to get it out.
(13) LeGarrette Blount
Why He’s a Douchebag: LeGarrette Blount was the University of Oregon player who punched a Boise St. player after the game, just like a douchebag would. He got benched for it, then reinstated, but he didn’t play for the rest of the season.
(4) Pat Robertson
Why He’s a Douchebag: Pat Robertson’s entire life has been a cycle of saying stupid things and then claiming that God told him to say them, like we’re supposed to believe that God is a racist 14-year old 4chan commenter who’s chosen to use a stupid old man as a medium. Most recently, he said that Haiti deserved to be destroyed by a horrendous earthquake as punishment for practicing voodoo.
(13) Harold Ford, Jr.
Why He’s a Douchebag: Harold Ford, Jr. is a former Tennessee Congressman who decided to run for Senate in the State of New York. He ended up being so douchey and disjointed from the public that he was forced to drop out of the race before even getting a chance to run. He was also accused of receiving a taxpayer backed bonus from Bank of America while working as a executive for Merril Lynch.
(4) Timothy Geitner
Why He’s a Douchebag: Timothy Geitner is the current Secretary of the Treasury and the person responsible for the Government’s spending of the $350 billion bail out. It also came out that he had not paid his taxes for several years. Lots of people consider this man a douche.
(13) Daniel Sadek
Why He’s a Douchebag: Daniel Sadek made his fortune issuing subprime mortgages, and as a result he was able to fulfill his dream of collecting exotic cars. Sadek was so in love with his car collection, he decided to fund a movie to the tune of 26 million dollars featuring all of them. No one saw the movie and the only publicity it got came from a news article that explained why one of his Ferraris accidentally crashed in to a telephone pole.