Before we get into today’s match-ups, here are the outcomes of yesterdays competitions:
(1) Kanye West – 71.2% defeated (16) Jon Gosselin – 28.8%
(4) Lady Gaga – 63.1% defeated (13) Charlie Sheen – 36.9%
(5) Jersey Shore – 71.2% defeated (12) Justin Bieber – 28.8%
(9) John Mayer – 56.8% defeated (8) T-Pain – 43.2%
(1) Tiger Woods – 50.5% defeated (16) Floyd Mayweather - 49.5%
(4) Charles Barkley – 61.3% defeated (13) LeGarrette Blount – 38.7%
(9) Jimmy Clausen – 55.4% defeated (8) Lane Kiffen – 44.6%
(12) Tony Kornheiser – 53.7% defeated (5) Brett Favre – 46.3%
(1) Glenn Beck – 86.8% defeated (16) Scott Brown – 13.2%
(4) Pat Robertson – 80.1% defeated (13) Harold Ford, Jr. -19.9%
(5) Jim Bunning – 53.8% defeated (12) Keith Olbermann – 46.2%
(9) Barney Frank – 62.9% defeated (8) Barack Obama – 37.1%
(1) Jim Kramer – 53.9% defeated (16) Raj Rajaratnam – 46.1%
(9) John Thain – 72% defeated (8) Aubrey McClendon – 28%
(12) Prince Al-Waleed – 65.3% defeated (5) Steve Jobs – 34.7%
(13) Daniel Sadek – 52.1% defeated (4) Timothy Geitner - 47.9%
Here are the rest of the Round 1 Match-ups. Vote, you punks!
(6) Spencer & Heidi
Why They’re Douchebags: These two talentless individuals were on some MTV reality show that’s not worth mentioning, and are now most famous for Heidi’s enormous DDD tits, which she just recently purchased, along with a new nose, lips, and did we mention huge tits? Unfortunately, they can’t surgically replace shitty personalities.
(11) Rob Blogojevich
Why He’s a Douchebag: Blogojevich is the former Governor of Illinois who was arrested in federal corruption charges in ’08. In 2009, he was removed from office and prohibited from ever holding public office in Illinois again. Then he did was most uber-douchebags do: he got on Reality TV, in shows like Celebrity Apprentice and Dancing With The Stars, that don’t mind if you’re a complete douche.
(6) The New York Yankees
Why They’re Douchebags: The Yankees are only good because they’re able to buy the best players, and they’re considered douchebags to pretty much everybody except Yankees Fans. This creates an infinite loop of douchebaggery that may never be broken.
(11) Sammy Sosa
Why He’s a Douchebag: Sammy Sosa was considered a douche when we all found out he was using performance enhancing drugs in 2003, but this year he went too far: he turned white. Literally. He’s a white guy now. It’s almost like his douchiness took performance enhancers.
(6) Ann Coulter
Why She’s a Douchebag: In many circles, you can’t spell Coulter without first taking away the O, L, E, and R, and then adding an N after the U. Ann Coulter is best-known for her strong conservative views and outspoken opinions. To the far-left, she’s the Queen of the Douches.
(11) Arianna Huffington
Arianna is a famous columnist, author, and co-founder of the popular website The Huffington Post. This exposure allows her to express her far left leanings and liberal viewpoints to a wide base of people, making her a target for the right, and the Dutchess of Douchebags in their eyes.
(6) Joe Cassano
Why He’s a Douchebag: Cassano was an executive of AIG, and was nicknamed "Patient Zero" of the global economic crisis. After the $85 Billion government bailout, Cassano continued to receive $1 Million a month of taxpayer money for basically doing nothing, thereby making him a very rich, very greedy douchebag.
(11) Akio Toyoda
Why He’s a Douchebag: Akio is the CEO of Toyota Motor Corp., and most recently came into the spotlight when he was forced to apologize for selling 3.8 Million cars without brakes. The fatal car crash that led to the recall makes him a pretty big douche, but the fact that he was (literally) grandfathered into his job makes him tournament-worthy.
(3) Jay Leno
Why He’s a Douchebag: Leno is famous for telling shitty monologue jokes and appealing to geriatrics everywhere, but he was thrust onto the douchebag scene when gave Conan O’Brien the Tonight Show, then took it back again a few months later. Sure, you could argue that he was also a victim to the Brass at NBC, but he sure didn’t do himself any favors by acting like a mega-douche throughout the entire ordeal. He’s also got more cars than Avis, and that makes him a douche by default.
(14) Robert Pattinson
Why He’s a Douchebag: He made vampires gay. Damn you, R-Pat! You go to hell!
(3) Gilbert Arenas
Why He’s a Douchebag: Gilbert has a habit of storing guns in his locker during NBA games. He also unloaded a gun in a locker room when he and a teammate got into an argument over a bet they’d made as to who was a bigger douchebag. Gilbert clearly won.
(14) Shaun White
Why He’s a Douchebag: Any guy who can show up to the Olympics completely stoned, compete in his event, invent a new trick off-the-cuff, and win the Gold Medal by a long shot without even having a soul has got to be a little bit douchy. Shaun is a 14 seed in the tournament, but he’s only that low because we’ve never met him in real life. Guaranteed: he’s a huge assface.
Why They’re Douchebags: If you’re part of a "movement", but you have no idea what you stand for, what you’re pissed off about, or what you’d like someone to do to fix the problem that you can’t identify, then you’re a complete douchebag, and your "movement" is just an army of senseless, ignorant, moronic assholes.
(14) Mark Sanford
Why He’s a Douchebag: Mark Sanford is the Governor of South Carolina who, a few months back, just up and disappeared for a week. His wife didn’t know where he was, and neither did his security team. It turns out he went down to Argentina to have a week-long f*ck fest with his South American mistress. I can understand not giving a shit about South Carolina, but your wife?! That’s douchey.
(3) Rupert Murdoch
Why He’s a Douchebag: Rupert Murdoch is a real-life Emperor Palpatine of the Media Industry. He even looks like the Empreror, and he can probably shoot lightning out of his fingers too. He’s completely in charge of Fox News, so when you see Bill O’Reilly vomiting rhetoric on television, it’s only because Rupert is too dead-looking to do it himself.
(14) Andrew Hall
Why He’s a Douchebag: Andrew Hall got a $100M bonus from Citigroup, right after they grovelled to congress about how they needed a $45 Billion bailout from the government. Hall says this was based on a previously agreed upon contract, but the rest of America says, "You’re piece of shit, Andy!".
(7) Justin Halpern (ShitMyDadSays)
Why He’s a Douchebag: Justin Halpern is the former Managing Editor of Holytaco. He invented the Douchebag Tournament last year. He also just sold a TV show based on his Twitter, ShitMyDadSays. Selling a TV show to CBS based on your Twitter account (that’s comprised of someone else’s funny sayings) makes you a HUGE DOUCHEBAG. End of discussion.
(10) Perez Hilton
Why He’s a Douchebag: Perez Hilton looks like a toad. He runs a Hollywood gossip rag website, and for some reason that’s made him as famous as the people who’s faces he draws semen on with MS Paint, which is apparently hilarious. He’s a fat piece-of-shit attention whore who pretty much encapsulates everything terrible about humanity, and if he got run over by a bus nobody would give a shit. In fact, we’d probably post a picture of him with semen drawn on his face.
(7) Sean Avery
Why He’s a Douchebag: Sean Avery "plays hockey" for the New York Rangers, and he’s the biggest piece of shit in the NHL. His entire gameplan consists of dirty cheap shots designed to piss other players off. Off the ice, he’s a total Metrosexual pretty boy. What a homo.
(10) Kobe Bryant
Why He’s a Douchebag: All the game-winning buzzer beaters in the world can’t make people forget about an anal rape accusation (unless, of course, you’re a Lakers fan).
(7) Rham Emanuel
Rham is the current White House Chief of Staff to President Obama. He’s known for his loud mouth and insensitive comments. Most recently, he pissed off a handful of "special" people when he referred to his own party members as "f*cking retarded". Sarah Palin took it extremely personally.
(10) John Edwards
John Edwards is a former Senator from North Carolina, 2004 Democratic nominee for Vice-President, and a candidate for President in 2008. He’s now more famously known for cheating on his cancer-stricken wife, and lying about fathering a love-child with his mistress.
(7) Vikram Pandit
While he was the CEO of Citigroup, Vikram gave himself an 1,100% raise in 2008, making his total earnings for the year a whopping $38 Million. We’ll get upset about that soon, but we’re still trying to figure out exactly why Citigroup crumbled.
(10) Allan Stanford
Stanford was the orchestrator of a massive Ponzi scheme, where he screwed a bunch of people out of roughly $8 Billion dollars. He’s also currently under investigation for a money laundering scheme involving Mexico’s Gulf Cartel. On the plus side, he’s proven to us that all the money in the world can’t buy you a non-gay looking moustache.
(15) Simon Monjack
Why He’s a Douchebag: Remember Brittany Murphy? Remember how much you enjoyed looking at her tits? Remember how she died of basically a drug overdose? Well, Simon Monjack was her husband. He basically let her overdose. He took those titties away from you. He can never be forgiven!
(2) Jeff Zucker
Why He’s a Douchebag: Jeff Zucker is the head of NBC, and the guy who decided to take away Conan O’Brien’s show/job and give it back to Jay Leno. Leno is the face of the whole debauchle, but Zucker was the one calling the shots. He’s also played a huge part in pushing NBC down the steep slope to bankruptcy that it’s currently on. Also, he looks like a three-chinned, over-fed dickface, doesn’t he?
(15) Steve Phillips
Why He’s a Douchebag: Steve Phillips is a former baseball player who lost his job at ESPN this year, after it became known that he was banging a PA. After he was busted, he made the classic Douchebag move: claiming to have a sex addiction. I think they make a gum for that now, don’t they?
(2) Tim Tebow
Why He’s a Douchebag: Tim is a Bible-thumping former quarterback of the Florida Gators. He’s the kind of guy that’s a douche simply because he’s a better person than you. He’s got a Heisman Trophy, a future in the NFL, and he builds houses for poor people in his spare time. He’s also "saving himself for marriage". That’s probably respectable in some communities, but in our books, it just makes him a virgin and a douchebag.
(15) David Paterson
Why He’s a Douchebag: David Paterson is the Governor of New York, and he’s a complete jagoff. He’s appointed people to offices when he had no legal authority to do so, he’s given lucrative contracts to companies that he’s in bed with, and most recently, he traded World Series tickets for getting someone out of a domestic abuse court case. If Paterson could see himself in the mirror, he’d see the word "Douchebag" written all over his face.
(2) Sarah Palin
Why She’s a Douchebag: Everyone knows who Sarah Palin is. The former Governor of Alaska and former Vice-Presidential candidate has been embarassing herself (and the country) in public for about two years now, and it looks like she’s not going anywhere anytime soon. She’s still touring around, selling a book that she somehow wrote, and giving speeches off of the palm of her hand, like God did. She’s douching America’s public image, and she must be stopped!
(15) Sam Israel
Why He’s a Douchebag: Sam Israel ran a Ponzi scheme and bamboozled a lot of people for a ton of money. Then he tried to fake his own death by parking his car on a bridge and writing "Suicide is Painless" on the windshield. His girlfriend ratted him out, and he went on the run for a while. He was even on the FBI’s Most Wanted list, until he turned himself in. He failed to report to prison when he was supposed to, and he was sentenced to two more years in the slammer. He’s a douche for doing all that, and also for making the shittiest M*A*S*H* reference ever.
(2) Joe Francis
Joe Francis is the guy behind the Girls Gone Wild DVDs. That seems like a good thing, right? Well it probably would be, if he wasn’t such a sleezebag who deliberately got chicks wasted and had them expose themselves on camera, even when they were underaged. It would also be cool if he didn’t frequently get arrested for beating women in public, and if he wasn’t recently charged with tax evasion and forced to pay millions of dollars in unpaid taxes and gambling debts. Yeah, if he wasn’t the epitome of a complete and utter douchebag, he would probably be kind of cool.