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2010 Douchebag Tournament: Round 2, Day 1

It’s the beginning of Round 2 of the 2010 Douchebag Tournament. 32 competitors have been voted out, and there are 32 douchebags still fighting for the title of Ultimate Douchebag.  Before we jump into Round 2 match-ups, here are the results of yesterday’s Round 1 contests:
 
ENTERTAINMENT
(2) Jeff Zucker – 72.6%                      defeated              (15) Simon Monjack – 27.4%
(3) Jay Leno – 61.8%                          defeated              (14) Robert Pattinson – 38.2%
(6) Spencer & Heidi – 73.5%             defeated              (11) Rod Blogojovich – 26.5%
(10) Perez Hilton – 92%                     defeated               (7)  Justin Halpern – 8%
 
SPORTS
(2) Tim Tebow – 55.5%                      defeated              (15) Steve Phillips – 44.5%
(3) Gilbert Arenas – 79.4%               defeated              (14) Shaun White – 20.6%
(6) The Yankees – 52.8%                   defeated              (11) White Sammy Sosa – 47.2%
(7) Sean Avery – 50.6%                     defeated              (10) Kobe Bryant – 49.4%
 
POLITICS
(2) Sarah Palin – 62.5%                    defeated              (15) David Paterson – 37.5%
(3) Teabaggers – 62%                        defeated              (14) Mark Sanford – 38%
(6) Ann Coulter – 70.7%                   defeated              (11) Arianna Huffington – 29.3%
(10) John Edwards – 75.5%              defeated               (7)  Rham Emanuel – 24.5%

BUSINESS
(2) Joe Francis – 68%                         defeated              (15) Sam Israel – 32%
(6) Joe Cassano – 76.3%                     defeated              (11) Akio Toyoda – 23.7%
(7) Vikram Pundit – 54.6%                defeated              (10) Allan Sanford – 45.4%
(14) Andrew Hall – 58.4%                  defeated               (3) Rupert Murdoch – 41.6%
 
As you can see, there were a few upsets yesterday. In the business bracket, 3-seed Rupert Murdoch was knocked out by 14-seed Andrew Hall. In the entertainment bracket, our own HT Alumni, 7-seed Justin Halpern (of ShitMyDadSays) was obliterated by 10-seed Perez Hilton in the worst defeat in Douchebag Tournament history. Let’s get to the Round 2 contests:
 
 
 
This is an excellent match-up featuring two totally different styles of celebrity douchebaggery.  On the one side, you’ve got Kanye, who usually stays under the radar (with the exception of his retarded blog), and then he’ll emerge two or three times a year to do something completely over-the-top douchy; so douchy that it’s unbelievable, probably because he suffers from a mental disorder. On the other side, you’ve got John Mayer, who never really goes over-the-top, but is always just consistently douchy from the time he wakes up to the time he passes out with some desperate Hollywood slut by his side. It’s a contest of explosive douchebaggery vs. ultimate douchebag endurance, and it’ll be exciting to see how this battle plays out.
 
 
This is likely to be a pretty strong match up. One one side, you have Jimmy Clausen, who is nearly impossible not to consider a huge douche based on his appearance alone, and on the other side you have Tiger. Unlike Clausen, Tiger is still new to the douche scene. He may still have a lot of fans out there that don’t consider him a douche. It’s anybody’s game. 
 
 
This is going to be a very partisan match up. One one side, you have Beck, who is likely to have a strong lead with the liberal left, and on the other, you have Frank, who will be leading with the right wingers and homophobes.  It’s really going to come down to which side harbors more deep-seeded hatred. This is likely going to be a Red State/Blue State showdown. 
 
 
Honestly, I didn’t really expect Jim Kramer to get past the first round. He’s the only contender in the Business Division who’s not really a business man, and who clearly has no business sense about him, evil or otherwise. It’s just his pure douchebaggery that’s gotten him this far. Thain, on the other hand, is like a business supervillain. He even looks like Cobra Commander when he removes his helmet (before he got turned into a snake, if you’re following the cartoon storyline). This guy is just blatantly greedy and evil from start to finish, and labeling him as a douchebag seems a bit sophomoric, because he’s just a f*cking asshole.
 

 
This is an epic match-up. The cast of Jersey Shore is comprised of a handful of people who are the definition of douchebags. Every single one of them is a complete and utter douche, and the fact that they’re a collection seems to augment the level of douchebaggery there. Lady Gaga, on the other hand, is just a worthless piece of shit. She’s a glutton for attention, and she looks like she was trapped in a costume warehouse during a hellacious fire and got a bunch of random, ridiculous accessories melted to her face. I think the Jersey Shore kids’ team effort is going to help them a lot in this contest, but Lady Gaga will prove an admirable foe. Fortunately, there are no brains involved in being a douchebag, so they’ve both got a good shot.
 
 
Both these guys made it through the sports bracket, and neither of them currently play a sport. This is going to be a tough one for Barkley to win, simply because he may still have a lot of fans out there from his NBA days. He also has a pretty catchy Taco Bell Commercial out right now that could either terribly hurt him or pull him ahead of Kornheiser, who never has a problem making himself look douchey. This one has potential to be a landslide. 
 
 
This is sure to be an epic showdown. Both of these men ooze douchiness out of every pore, and they’re also both prime candidates for Asshole of the Year. On one side,we have Robertson, who God tells to be a douche, and on the other side you have Bunning, who Kentucky pays to be a douche. This one might divide Kentucky in half. Can individual states have a civil war? 
 
 
I’m really glad that these two dickheads ended up facing off against eachother, because they’re probably the two most legitimate douchebags in the entire tournament. This can be easily proven just by looking at their incredibly douchy pictures above. That’s actually what these guys look like. If you’re having trouble making a decision in this one, just consider that "Prince Al-Waleed" sounds a lot like "Prince Ali", which was Aladdin’s fake name in the most annoying Disney movie ever made, and that Daniel Sadek’s name is about as close as you can get to saying "Daniel’s a Dick" without actually saying it.
 

30 Responses to "2010 Douchebag Tournament: Round 2, Day 1"

  1. The_Unabonger says:

    I have found that after a great deal of soul searching & introspective thought; which took me a month, 12 cases of Miller MGD, 2 cases of Bushmill’s Irish Whiskey, approximately 3.7 oz. of medical grade marijuana & an 8-ball of crack to come to a final conclusion, that my thoughts on the whole came down to this epiphany.

    I find that all the nominees in each category were all winners, yes, you heard me right, for as they have all shown themselves to be colossal, gigantic losers on an historically biblical scale, then it stands to reason that they all won the title for the following reasons…

    They have all showed themselves to be universally the biggest grouping of douchebags yet assembled, not one of the nominees have any redeeming qualities & should be utilized separately or together in worldwide PSA’s as the poster representatives for zero population growth, or at the very least, mandatory surgical or chemical sterilization to prevent the further propagation of their very sub-species.

    In fact, to actually compare these mindless, arrogant, self-serving & morally bankrupt cretins to douchebags is actually very disparaging & upsets real douchebags to no end….

  2. 2010 Taxes says:

    The Holy Taco is visited by a bunch liberal queers. These polls are for profiling purposes only.

  3. Not a liberal or a queer says:

    Man I can’t believe I had to choose between Kanye and Mayer… I wish this was like a presidential race and they were both on the same ticket, choosing between them was near impossible!

  4. cabj1905 says:

    I used to check out this site religiously every day way back when it was still good. Now I check it about once a week, if that (mostly for the pics of the day because the articles suck.) Therefore, I don’t know what your reasoning was for including Justin Halpern in your douchebag Tournament. That guy was the life of this website. Was he not the writer that came up with the “How About We Let Dogs Do Whatever The Hell They Want?” article? That was probably the funniest thing ever on HT. Obviously he must have left on some pretty bad terms, since he wasn’t even allowed a farewell article. But to talk shit on him because he’s no longer here and making a good career for himself? That’s fucked up. Justin and Johnny and whoever else works at HT, you’re a bunch of fags. Fuck all of you guys. Except for Noah the Intern, you’re still cool.

  5. Tater says:

    I spent a good two minutes debating it. Truly an epic match up.

    I eventually gave the nod to Kanye, as his douchiness created one of the greatest internet memes of all time…

    OF ALL TIME!

  6. Tater says:

    The #10 seeds are looking really strong.

    Regardless of the clear liberal bias of this site, John Edwards still won very convincingly (and rightfully so, for banging another woman while his wife has cancer).

    The other 10 seed, Perez Hilton, is pretty much universally hated, I would not be surprised to see him/her/it win the whole thing.

  7. DaveLovesBacon says:

    Perez Hilton is just as big of a useless fuck-bag as his name-sake Paris. The difference is that Perez thinks he knows what he is talking about and Paris seems to know that she is mind-numbingly moronic.

  8. Rambo says:

    ok Justin, thanks. We get it.

  9. Barry O says:

    No arguments here, I admit it.

  10. That One Guy says:

    Even though I think Glenn Beck is a retard bible pusher, he should rightfully lose this match up. He never cost anybody any money. Frank on the other hand repeatedly stated there was nothing wrong with the economy or the housing market and pushed the banks to make loans people couldn’t pay off. Then when it all came crashing down, he pulled the ultimate douche move and blamed it on every one else.

    Also, how the hell did Tim “Turbo-tax cheat” Geithner lose?

  11. Pony Boy says:

    The fact that he didn’t actually do anything and people still hate him makes him the bigger douche.

  12. That One Guy says:

    If that were true, that would make Barack Obama the biggest douchebag in the universe by default.

  13. nerd says:

    I think the big issue is differentiating the difference between being a douchebag and being an asshole. Douchebaggery is most often exhibited by people who have an undeserved sense of self confidence, despite having nothing to contribute to the world. And these do exist on both sides of the political spectrum. Glenn Beck is a perfect example of this, whereas Barney Frank is more of an asshole, who helped destroy this country’s economy. Ultimately, being an asshole is probably a worse character trait, but let’s not forget what this tournament is predominantly about.

  14. Yonny, the Janitor says:

    Actually, Barney Frank also has that sel-inflating douchebag reflex simply becauser he is a congressman.

  15. DonkeyXote says:

    First to say I’m a flaimig faggot that sucked Barney Frank off on numerous occasions!

    There, I admitted I’m a fudgepacker, please leave me alone Dwight, I can’t take it anymore…

    MY ASS IS SO SORE!

  16. Dwight K. Schrute says:

    Hey, philosopher I’m glad you finally admit that you’re a fag, even though we all knew it. Why don’t you learn to spell first though, also, no one will ever leave you alone seeing as how you are a huge douchebag and still refuse to accept that.

  17. Anonymous says:

    But that wasn’t Donkey who wrote that!

    FAIL!

  18. Have No Mercy says:

    pwn!

  19. 00kla the m0k says:

    If only political bias was not a factor and we could measure the weight of each bag of douche water fairly. Then again, Beck and Frank would tie.

    Just kidding. Barneys a bigger douche by a few degrees not just by way of guilt but also his voice. I can listen to Beck for about 20 seconds before I want to scream. I have to change the channel on Frank immediately.

    I am truly sad that Mayweather didn’t make it. At least he was nominated. Thank for that much, HT.

  20. justin says:
    Yeah. He barely lost, too, by 1/2%!
  21. MyFightWiffaCheeto says:

    Yeah, thanks for nominating Mayweather.

    The guy is just such a colossal douchebag.

  22. John says:

    well at least beck doesnt have access to the nations financial system. frank is a douche thanks to him, were in this fucked economy “oh freddie and fannie are fine. lets give out loans to people we know cant afford them, should work out great!” fuckin idiot

  23. Dwight K. Schrute says:

    By the looks of Charles Barkley’s expression on that picture, it looks like he knows how to polish a knob quite well!! I’d love to feel those big fat lips all around my uncircumcised dick!

    Oh yeah!!

  24. DonkeyXote says:

    According to my sequential hermaphrodite sister, they feel great, also, I call next!

  25. fuck you says:

    holy taco is the real douche

  26. justin says:
    Wow. Good one.
  27. John Goodman says:

    The Sarah Palin v Ann Coulter match up is going to be epic. That could be the true championship.

  28. office jerk says:

    needs more naked

  29. scheme factory says:

    if pat robertson doesn’t win, does that mean haiti really DID deserve it?

  30. tight teenage slut says:

    OH I would totally let use their peens as a douchebaf for my vagina. Im so horny these days.