It’s the beginning of Round 2 of the 2010 Douchebag Tournament. 32 competitors have been voted out, and there are 32 douchebags still fighting for the title of Ultimate Douchebag. Before we jump into Round 2 match-ups, here are the results of yesterday’s Round 1 contests:
(2) Jeff Zucker – 72.6% defeated (15) Simon Monjack – 27.4%
(3) Jay Leno – 61.8% defeated (14) Robert Pattinson – 38.2%
(6) Spencer & Heidi – 73.5% defeated (11) Rod Blogojovich – 26.5%
(10) Perez Hilton – 92% defeated (7) Justin Halpern – 8%
(2) Tim Tebow – 55.5% defeated (15) Steve Phillips – 44.5%
(3) Gilbert Arenas – 79.4% defeated (14) Shaun White – 20.6%
(6) The Yankees – 52.8% defeated (11) White Sammy Sosa – 47.2%
(7) Sean Avery – 50.6% defeated (10) Kobe Bryant – 49.4%
(2) Sarah Palin – 62.5% defeated (15) David Paterson – 37.5%
(3) Teabaggers – 62% defeated (14) Mark Sanford – 38%
(6) Ann Coulter – 70.7% defeated (11) Arianna Huffington – 29.3%
(10) John Edwards – 75.5% defeated (7) Rham Emanuel – 24.5%
(2) Joe Francis – 68% defeated (15) Sam Israel – 32%
(6) Joe Cassano – 76.3% defeated (11) Akio Toyoda – 23.7%
(7) Vikram Pundit – 54.6% defeated (10) Allan Sanford – 45.4%
(14) Andrew Hall – 58.4% defeated (3) Rupert Murdoch – 41.6%
As you can see, there were a few upsets yesterday. In the business bracket, 3-seed Rupert Murdoch was knocked out by 14-seed Andrew Hall. In the entertainment bracket, our own HT Alumni, 7-seed Justin Halpern (of ShitMyDadSays) was obliterated by 10-seed Perez Hilton in the worst defeat in Douchebag Tournament history. Let’s get to the Round 2 contests:
This is an excellent match-up featuring two totally different styles of celebrity douchebaggery. On the one side, you’ve got Kanye, who usually stays under the radar (with the exception of his retarded blog), and then he’ll emerge two or three times a year to do something completely over-the-top douchy; so douchy that it’s unbelievable, probably because he suffers from a mental disorder. On the other side, you’ve got John Mayer, who never really goes over-the-top, but is always just consistently douchy from the time he wakes up to the time he passes out with some desperate Hollywood slut by his side. It’s a contest of explosive douchebaggery vs. ultimate douchebag endurance, and it’ll be exciting to see how this battle plays out.
This is likely to be a pretty strong match up. One one side, you have Jimmy Clausen, who is nearly impossible not to consider a huge douche based on his appearance alone, and on the other side you have Tiger. Unlike Clausen, Tiger is still new to the douche scene. He may still have a lot of fans out there that don’t consider him a douche. It’s anybody’s game.
This is going to be a very partisan match up. One one side, you have Beck, who is likely to have a strong lead with the liberal left, and on the other, you have Frank, who will be leading with the right wingers and homophobes. It’s really going to come down to which side harbors more deep-seeded hatred. This is likely going to be a Red State/Blue State showdown.
Honestly, I didn’t really expect Jim Kramer to get past the first round. He’s the only contender in the Business Division who’s not really a business man, and who clearly has no business sense about him, evil or otherwise. It’s just his pure douchebaggery that’s gotten him this far. Thain, on the other hand, is like a business supervillain. He even looks like Cobra Commander when he removes his helmet (before he got turned into a snake, if you’re following the cartoon storyline). This guy is just blatantly greedy and evil from start to finish, and labeling him as a douchebag seems a bit sophomoric, because he’s just a f*cking asshole.
This is an epic match-up. The cast of Jersey Shore is comprised of a handful of people who are the definition of douchebags. Every single one of them is a complete and utter douche, and the fact that they’re a collection seems to augment the level of douchebaggery there. Lady Gaga, on the other hand, is just a worthless piece of shit. She’s a glutton for attention, and she looks like she was trapped in a costume warehouse during a hellacious fire and got a bunch of random, ridiculous accessories melted to her face. I think the Jersey Shore kids’ team effort is going to help them a lot in this contest, but Lady Gaga will prove an admirable foe. Fortunately, there are no brains involved in being a douchebag, so they’ve both got a good shot.
Both these guys made it through the sports bracket, and neither of them currently play a sport. This is going to be a tough one for Barkley to win, simply because he may still have a lot of fans out there from his NBA days. He also has a pretty catchy Taco Bell Commercial out right now that could either terribly hurt him or pull him ahead of Kornheiser, who never has a problem making himself look douchey. This one has potential to be a landslide.
This is sure to be an epic showdown. Both of these men ooze douchiness out of every pore, and they’re also both prime candidates for Asshole of the Year. On one side,we have Robertson, who God tells to be a douche, and on the other side you have Bunning, who Kentucky pays to be a douche. This one might divide Kentucky in half. Can individual states have a civil war?
I’m really glad that these two dickheads ended up facing off against eachother, because they’re probably the two most legitimate douchebags in the entire tournament. This can be easily proven just by looking at their incredibly douchy pictures above. That’s actually what these guys look like. If you’re having trouble making a decision in this one, just consider that "Prince Al-Waleed" sounds a lot like "Prince Ali", which was Aladdin’s fake name in the most annoying Disney movie ever made, and that Daniel Sadek’s name is about as close as you can get to saying "Daniel’s a Dick" without actually saying it.