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2010 Douchebag Tournament: Round 2, Day 2

It’s the last day of Round 2 of the 2010 Douchebag Tournament. Before we get to today’s match-ups, let’s take a look at the results of yesterday’s competitions:
(1) Kanye West – 74.1%                     defeated                     (9) John Mayer – 25.9%
(4) Lady Gaga – 65.5%                       defeated                     (5) Jersey Shore – 34.5%
(9) Jimmy Clausen – 53.7%               defeated                     (1) Tiger Woods – 46.3%
(12) Tony Kornheiser – 62.7%           defeated                     (4) Charles Barkley – 37.3%
(1) Glenn Beck – 71.3%                     defeated                      (9) Barney Frank – 28.7%
(4) Pat Robertson – 68.9%                 defeated                     (5) Jim Bunning – 31.3%
(1) Jim Kramer – 51.5%                   defeated                       (9) John Thain – 48.5%
(12) Prince Al-Waleed – 60%           defeated                      (13) Daniel Sadek – 40%
That’s right: Tiger Woods (1-seed) was knocked out of the tournament by Notre Dame’s douchebag 9-seed quarterback Jimmy Clausen. Other than that monumental upset, the rest of yesterday’s outcomes were pretty predictable. Let’s get down to the final match-ups of Round 2:  
You may think that Heidi & Spencer have this one locked up. It’s a 2-against-1 scenario, and they beat the shit out of Rod Blogojovich in the first round. But you have to realize that Heidi just got some huge fake titties, which makes her way less of a douche to anyone with a penis.  To make things worse, they’re going up against Jay Leno, who has more douche in his chin alone than most people do in their entire body. It’s going to take a lot to keep that pointy chin from popping those titties and taking home the win.
 For anyone who’s not a Yankees fan (which is most people in the U.S.), it’s easy to see why the Yankees are a bunch of douches. They bought the World Series last year, and if you saw the final game, everybody there knew it. There was hardly any celebration. It was the same level of excitement that you see when someone receives something they ordered from Amazon.com.  Sure, they got it, but everyone knows they paid for it.  Gilbert Arenas unloaded a handgun at a teammate in the locker room of an NBA game, but ultimately this battle is probably going to come down to how much you hate the Yankees.
This match-up is going to turn our conservative readership on its ear. Here we have the ultra conservative Teabagger douches versus the queen of the Right, Ann Coulter.  The douchebaggers outnumber Coulter in sheer volume, but Coulter has about 50% more brainpower working in her favor. I’m pretty sure this gives one of them an advantage, but which one?
Both of these guys are money-grubbing bastards. Joe Cassano was getting paid $1 Million a month from AIG, even after they got bailed out by the government, which means he was taking $1 Million dollars a month from taxpayers. Andrew Hall took a $100 Million dollar bonus from Citigroup after they got bailed out. Ultimately, Andrew Hall took more of your money, but Cassano just looks like such a dickhead, doesn’t he?
Nobody knew who Jeff Zucker was until he yanked our beloved CoCo from the airwaves in an unprecentedly douchy move. This scored him some major points and gave him an automatic seed in the tournament, but now he’s facing off against a seasoned douche: Perez Hilton.  Hilton is the poster child for the gay and douchey. His name change alone is almost douchey enough to get a birth into the Final Four. This one might be a pink, glitter-covered blood bath. Either way, it’s going to be obese.
This match-up almost feels wrong.  On one side there’s Avery, who is a professional douche. It’s easy to hate this guy because he’s such a pompous prick. On the other side, we have simple-minded Tim Tebow, who’s a douche basically by upbringing. It’s almost like pitting the Devil against Forrest Gump: it just feels wrong.
Unless Holy Taco has any female readers, Palin may sweep this round. Of course, Edwards was given a birth into the tournament for cheating on his fat, old, cancer-ridden wife with a much hotter, blonder woman.  Chicks tend not to favor douchey behavior like that.  Palin is a former beauty queen, retarded-baby-having ex-governor of Alaska and all-around family woman.  She’s also a full time idiot, and that’s considered universally douchey. This will either be a landslide or a nailbiter.
It might be hard to vote against a douche like Vikram Pantid, since he gave himself an 1,100% raise last year at Citigroup. Especially since he’s up against Joe Francis, who has given us access to so many titties on DVD and late night commercials. But remember: even though Francis has given us all those Spring Break titties to be thankful for, he also hit a girl in the face at a nightclub in LA, and that’s pretty damn douchey.

28 Responses to "2010 Douchebag Tournament: Round 2, Day 2"

  1. Anonymous 2446 says:

    id like to nominate Nancy Grace for the next douchebag tournament I cant stand that women im suprised she wasnt in either of these 2 tournaments

  2. Tater says:

    John Edwards deserves to win the whole thing. It is one thing to cheat on your wife… it is a whole other thing to cheat on your wife that has cancer. Oh, and to build the largest house in North Carolina that isn’t named “Biltmore Estates” is pretty douchey too.

  3. Soft Taco Shell says:

    Holy Taco usually has some funny shit, but Tebow? The Yankees? This is fucking stupid and biased. Most people in the country hate the Yankees??? That’s a nice stat, where did you get one from? “Bought their championship”… what an asinine statement, you obviously don’t watch baseball.

  4. Tebow guy again says:


  5. 00kla the M0k says:

    My third nostril psenses the pstench of the dumb vote. This a popularity contest or a douchebag tourney?

    To those of you who are responsible for the Jersey Shore cast not advancing: I gently invite you to stuff 4 ounces of live slugs in your mouth and sew it shut with a thick leather lanyard then dose yerself with eyedrops of LSD while watching the View, making little cuts on your body whenever someone raises their voice. And also die.

  6. A New Challenger says:

    Cracked is a piece of shit, though…

  7. Challenge this says:

    True, so what’s that make Holytaco?BAM!

  8. Exile says:

    Biggest Douchebag ballot

    Entertainment – Adolf Judas Obama
    Sports – Adolf Judas Obama
    Business – Adolf Judas Obama
    Politics – All the fucking retards who took a shit once great USA by voting for Adolf Judas Obama.

    This is the first time I ever voted for a democrap for anything


  9. sceptic 5000 says:

    I’m sure Beck or Coulter will win this just because thats how this contest plays out. Fuckn’ politics.
    Jersey shore should have gone at least to the final.

    and you put old Justin up on this? What a bunch of catty bitches you are at holy taco.

    Tuning out of this joke of a contest

  10. 2LOLO says:


  11. Tebow? says:

    Why? Because he destroyed almost everyone he played and really cared when he lost?

    I’m not a gator fan, and I hate the SEC

    this shit’s biased, toooo biased, Holytaco will never be Cracked

  12. SarahPalin'sFilthyShitBox says:

    Thanks for the vote of confidence there fucko.

  13. Anonymous 2446 says:

    Amen to that M0k

  14. Dan Conor says:

    Darlene was my hottest daughter

  15. john Goodman says:

    That may be, but Jackie had the tightest pussy.

  16. Drained Nuttz says:

    Yeah, but DJ gave the best head.

  17. MyFightWiffaCheeto says:

    Tebow FTW

  18. Tater says:

    jersey shore deserved to be in the final four. Anyone who voted for Gaga in that matchup clearly is retarded.

  19. asdhgasihgdhjka says:

    Who is even voting for lady gaga and why is she more of a douche then the cast of the jersey shore??? lmfao you guys are fucking retarded assholes

  20. bananas says:

    Yeah, what the fuck? How did one hideous cunt beat out a whole cast of hideous orange, duck mouthed douches? I hate gaga as much as the next guy but everyone on Jersey Shore deserves to get a vicious painful disease for being the biggest collection of douchebags.

  21. pratik says:

    Tiger Woods was knocked out by the cactus-head? I guess images still do have power.

  22. Lou Woods says:

    ROTFL, How did Lady Gaga end up on that list? LOL


  23. KinglerUseYourFlamethrower says:

    Yeah, I’m kinda wondering what makes Lady Gaga a douche, myself… I mean, Poker Face could be considered a vicious assault on the ears of America, but she’s not the first.

  24. KinglerUseYourFlamethrower says:

    Also, I nominate myself, for being too douchey to use the Reply button on the previous comment.

  25. GODLuVSUGLY says:


  26. keith olbermann says:

    I should still be in this, WAH! I’m telling Barry!

  27. ROBbeach says:

    Keith Olbermann deserves to be in the discussion, but not as a candidte for douchebag. I have respect for his and Rachael Maddow’s delivery of information pointing out the douchebags. Come on folks, don’t you love to hear the build up to “WORST PERSON IN THR WORLD”. That is more his job. Keith delivers a message each day that makes it possible to put a lot of the real Washington goings on into perpective and attempt to project the next steps in the political dancing with the taxpayers.

  28. Ass-Moustache says:

    I am shocked, shocked! Lady Gaga should not have beat Jersey Shore.

    I call shenanigans!