It’s the last day of Round 2 of the 2010 Douchebag Tournament. Before we get to today’s match-ups, let’s take a look at the results of yesterday’s competitions:
(1) Kanye West – 74.1% defeated (9) John Mayer – 25.9%
(4) Lady Gaga – 65.5% defeated (5) Jersey Shore – 34.5%
(9) Jimmy Clausen – 53.7% defeated (1) Tiger Woods – 46.3%
(12) Tony Kornheiser – 62.7% defeated (4) Charles Barkley – 37.3%
(1) Glenn Beck – 71.3% defeated (9) Barney Frank – 28.7%
(4) Pat Robertson – 68.9% defeated (5) Jim Bunning – 31.3%
(1) Jim Kramer – 51.5% defeated (9) John Thain – 48.5%
(12) Prince Al-Waleed – 60% defeated (13) Daniel Sadek – 40%
That’s right: Tiger Woods (1-seed) was knocked out of the tournament by Notre Dame’s douchebag 9-seed quarterback Jimmy Clausen. Other than that monumental upset, the rest of yesterday’s outcomes were pretty predictable. Let’s get down to the final match-ups of Round 2:
You may think that Heidi & Spencer have this one locked up. It’s a 2-against-1 scenario, and they beat the shit out of Rod Blogojovich in the first round. But you have to realize that Heidi just got some huge fake titties, which makes her way less of a douche to anyone with a penis. To make things worse, they’re going up against Jay Leno, who has more douche in his chin alone than most people do in their entire body. It’s going to take a lot to keep that pointy chin from popping those titties and taking home the win.
For anyone who’s not a Yankees fan (which is most people in the U.S.), it’s easy to see why the Yankees are a bunch of douches. They bought the World Series last year, and if you saw the final game, everybody there knew it. There was hardly any celebration. It was the same level of excitement that you see when someone receives something they ordered from Amazon.com. Sure, they got it, but everyone knows they paid for it. Gilbert Arenas unloaded a handgun at a teammate in the locker room of an NBA game, but ultimately this battle is probably going to come down to how much you hate the Yankees.
This match-up is going to turn our conservative readership on its ear. Here we have the ultra conservative Teabagger douches versus the queen of the Right, Ann Coulter. The douchebaggers outnumber Coulter in sheer volume, but Coulter has about 50% more brainpower working in her favor. I’m pretty sure this gives one of them an advantage, but which one?
Both of these guys are money-grubbing bastards. Joe Cassano was getting paid $1 Million a month from AIG, even after they got bailed out by the government, which means he was taking $1 Million dollars a month from taxpayers. Andrew Hall took a $100 Million dollar bonus from Citigroup after they got bailed out. Ultimately, Andrew Hall took more of your money, but Cassano just looks like such a dickhead, doesn’t he?
Nobody knew who Jeff Zucker was until he yanked our beloved CoCo from the airwaves in an unprecentedly douchy move. This scored him some major points and gave him an automatic seed in the tournament, but now he’s facing off against a seasoned douche: Perez Hilton. Hilton is the poster child for the gay and douchey. His name change alone is almost douchey enough to get a birth into the Final Four. This one might be a pink, glitter-covered blood bath. Either way, it’s going to be obese.
This match-up almost feels wrong. On one side there’s Avery, who is a professional douche. It’s easy to hate this guy because he’s such a pompous prick. On the other side, we have simple-minded Tim Tebow, who’s a douche basically by upbringing. It’s almost like pitting the Devil against Forrest Gump: it just feels wrong.
Unless Holy Taco has any female readers, Palin may sweep this round. Of course, Edwards was given a birth into the tournament for cheating on his fat, old, cancer-ridden wife with a much hotter, blonder woman. Chicks tend not to favor douchey behavior like that. Palin is a former beauty queen, retarded-baby-having ex-governor of Alaska and all-around family woman. She’s also a full time idiot, and that’s considered universally douchey. This will either be a landslide or a nailbiter.
It might be hard to vote against a douche like Vikram Pantid, since he gave himself an 1,100% raise last year at Citigroup. Especially since he’s up against Joe Francis, who has given us access to so many titties on DVD and late night commercials. But remember: even though Francis has given us all those Spring Break titties to be thankful for, he also hit a girl in the face at a nightclub in LA, and that’s pretty damn douchey.