Round 3 of the 2010 Douchebag Tournament begins NOW! We’re down to the Sweet 16 now, but before we dive into today’s contests, let’s take a look at the winners from Friday’s Round 2 battles:
(2) Jeff Zucker – 76% defeated (10) Perez Hilton – 24%
(3) Jay Leno - 68.3% defeated (6) Spencer & Heidi – 31.7%
(2) Tim Tebow – 65.8% defeated (7) Sean Avery – 34.2%
(6) The Yankees – 51.3% defeated (3) Gilbert Arenas – 48.7%
(2) Sarah Palin – 84.2% defeated (10) John Edwards – 15.8%
(6) Ann Coulter – 50.3% defeated (3) The Teabaggers – 49.7%
(2) Joe Francis – 63% defeated (7) Vikram Pandit – 37%
(6) Joe Cassano – 58.1% defeated (14) Andrew Hall – 41.9%
For the rest of the tournament, things are going to move a little faster. We’ll be posting a round per day for the remainder of the week, and our 2010 Douchebag Champion will be crowned on Friday. You’ll also notice that, due to some uncontrollable circumstances, we’ve been forced to go back to Survey Monkey voting blocks. Please don’t rig our tournament, and be sure to scroll down in the little voting box window after you vote and click the button to make it count. Let’s get into it:
It’s interesting that these two are matched up against one another, because they were supposed to go on tour together but Kanye dropped out at the last minute, in a douchy move that stunned and disappointed angsty women and gay men all across the globe. It’s hard to say who will win this epic match-up, though. Both contenders lay on the douche pretty thick, and neither of them are showing any signs of slowing down. It’s any man’s (or woman with a penis’s) game.
I’m surprised that Tony Kornheiser made it this far in the tournament. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a total douche, but he’s also a completely forgettable one. Clausen is the young man’s douche. If this were a poll in the newspaper, I’d say Kornheiser would be doing the Charleston all the way to the finish line in this contest. Unfortunately for Tony, this contest is on the internet, a realm dominated by people who are Jimmy Clausen’s age. Therefore, Jimmy’s got this one in the bag. Plus, look at that f*cking picture up there. That kid is a king-sized douche from head to toe.
There are going to be a lot of people praying to Jesus for guidance with this match-up. On one side, you have Glenn Beck, who’s like a knight in shining armor to Biblebeaters everywhere. On the other side, you have Pat Robertson, who might as well be crowned the pope of televangelism. If you’re confused as to who’s the bigger douche, just ask yourself: What Would Jesus Do(uche)?
Nobody likes Jim Kramer. He’s loud, obnoxious, and he gives really shitty financial advice. He also went on the Daily Show and got pwned by Jon Stewart. If you add all of that up, it equals "Jim Kramer is a really competitive douchebag". Kramer might get his ass kicked, though, because he’s going up against Prince Al-Waleed. You probably didn’t know who Prince Al-Waleed was until this tournament, but all you have to do is look at this picture of the Prince above. Look at that rich, royal-bloodline-having motherf*cker. What a douche, right?
These guys both have each other to thank for making it this far in the tournament, because it took a team effort to thrust both of them into the douchebag spotlight. Zucker is definitely the more powerful douche, so I guess the biggest question is: what’s worse: the douche that sucks up to a more powerful douche, or the more powerful douche who’s getting his ass kicked by a squeaky-voiced douche? Wrap your brain around that one.
The Yankees outnumber Tebow when it comes to sheer douchebag headcount, so it seems a bit unfair to put one man up against an entire organization of complete douchebags. But Tebow can pull his own weight when it comes to being douchey. Let’s not forget that he managed to play quarterback in the SEC, win the Heisman Trophy, take his team to the National Championship game, and still remain a virgin. What a douche, right?
Here, we have yet another match-up that’s sure to split our conservative base in half. This one really comes down to a simple question: do you prefer your female douches to be literate and articulate, or folksy and "simple"?
It’s surprising that Joe Cassano made it this far, considering that he’s one of the more obscure douchebags in this tournament. But today, he faces of against a seasoned veteran and douchebag posterboy: Joe Francis. Only one Joe will remain standing. I can already hear the steal drum music in my head, but that’s just one man’s opinion.