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2010 Douchebag Tournament: Sweet 16!

Round 3 of the 2010 Douchebag Tournament begins NOW!  We’re down to the Sweet 16 now, but before we dive into today’s contests, let’s take a look at the winners from Friday’s Round 2 battles:

(2) Jeff Zucker – 76%                  defeated                     (10) Perez Hilton – 24%

(3) Jay Leno - 68.3%                   defeated                      (6) Spencer & Heidi – 31.7% 

(2) Tim Tebow – 65.8%                defeated                       (7) Sean Avery – 34.2%
(6) The Yankees – 51.3%              defeated                       (3) Gilbert Arenas – 48.7%

(2) Sarah Palin – 84.2%                defeated                      (10) John Edwards – 15.8%
(6) Ann Coulter – 50.3%               defeated                       (3) The Teabaggers – 49.7%

(2) Joe Francis – 63%                    defeated                       (7) Vikram Pandit – 37%
(6) Joe Cassano – 58.1%                defeated                      (14) Andrew Hall – 41.9%
For the rest of the tournament, things are going to move a little faster. We’ll be posting a round per day for the remainder of the week, and our 2010 Douchebag Champion will be crowned on Friday. You’ll also notice that, due to some uncontrollable circumstances, we’ve been forced to go back to Survey Monkey voting blocks. Please don’t rig our tournament, and be sure to scroll down in the little voting box window after you vote and click the button to make it count.  Let’s get into it:
It’s interesting that these two are matched up against one another, because they were supposed to go on tour together but Kanye dropped out at the last minute, in a douchy move that stunned and disappointed angsty women and gay men all across the globe. It’s hard to say who will win this epic match-up, though.  Both contenders lay on the douche pretty thick, and neither of them are showing any signs of slowing down.  It’s any man’s (or woman with a penis’s) game.
I’m surprised that Tony Kornheiser made it this far in the tournament. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a total douche, but he’s also a completely forgettable one. Clausen is the young man’s douche. If this were a poll in the newspaper, I’d say Kornheiser would be doing the Charleston all the way to the finish line in this contest. Unfortunately for Tony, this contest is on the internet, a realm dominated by people who are Jimmy Clausen’s age. Therefore, Jimmy’s got this one in the bag.  Plus, look at that f*cking picture up there. That kid is a king-sized douche from head to toe.
There are going to be a lot of people praying to Jesus for guidance with this match-up.  On one side, you have Glenn Beck, who’s like a knight in shining armor to Biblebeaters everywhere.  On the other side, you have Pat Robertson, who might as well be crowned the pope of televangelism. If you’re confused as to who’s the bigger douche, just ask yourself: What Would Jesus Do(uche)?
Nobody likes Jim Kramer. He’s loud, obnoxious, and he gives really shitty financial advice.  He also went on the Daily Show and got pwned by Jon Stewart. If you add all of that up, it equals "Jim Kramer is a really competitive douchebag". Kramer might get his ass kicked, though, because he’s going up against Prince Al-Waleed. You probably didn’t know who Prince Al-Waleed was until this tournament, but all you have to do is look at this picture of the Prince above.  Look at that rich, royal-bloodline-having motherf*cker. What a douche, right?

These guys both have each other to thank for making it this far in the tournament, because it took a team effort to thrust both of them into the douchebag spotlight.  Zucker is definitely the more powerful douche, so I guess the biggest question is: what’s worse: the douche that sucks up to a more powerful douche, or the more powerful douche who’s getting his ass kicked by a squeaky-voiced douche? Wrap your brain around that one.
The Yankees outnumber Tebow when it comes to sheer douchebag headcount, so it seems a bit unfair to put one man up against an entire organization of complete douchebags.  But Tebow can pull his own weight when it comes to being douchey. Let’s not forget that he managed to play quarterback in the SEC, win the Heisman Trophy, take his team to the National Championship game, and still remain a virgin. What a douche, right?
Here, we have yet another match-up that’s sure to split our conservative base in half.  This one really comes down to a simple question: do you prefer your female douches to be literate and articulate, or folksy and "simple"?
It’s surprising that Joe Cassano made it this far, considering that he’s one of the more obscure douchebags in this tournament.  But today, he faces of against a seasoned veteran and douchebag posterboy: Joe Francis.  Only one Joe will remain standing.  I can already hear the steal drum music in my head, but that’s just one man’s opinion.

32 Responses to "2010 Douchebag Tournament: Sweet 16!"

  1. Oh but justin! says:

    I don’t have an issue with the votes, I have an issue with the terrible “douchebags” you guys have come up with, it’s just a shit biased list, other than entertainment that is, the rest is what you guys hate

    No wonder you write for a poor man’s Cracked

  2. 3rd Consecutive How says:

    How many different ways can Holy Taco fuck up their own tournament? I’d say the writers are a bunch of douchebags, but that word is about as played out as this site.

  3. Sonya says:

    How on earth did Obama lose out to Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin? Glenn Beck is a DICKHEAD, he’s too old to be a DOUCHEBAG. Sarah Palin is a CRAZY MILF, which automatically excludes douchiness. Look at Obama though, he’s like the living embodiment of douchebag, smug smile, unwarranted self importance, fake tan… If a man fornicated with a douchebag and popped out a little chocolate covered butt-baby it wouldn’t be half as douchey as Obama. I kind of think the voters have a proclivity to mistake “batshit crazy” for “douchey”, how else would Lady Gaga get further than John Fucking Mayer? I’m so ashamed.

  4. Laner91 says:

    God I hope Kanye West wins. He deserves it. Douche.

  5. I say says:

    Holytaco staff should place themselves in this as well since they are f*ucking terrible at this

  6. Tater says:

    I agree on all points made above.

    And it was hilarious.

  7. Tater says:

    Another reason this tournament and site have an abundantly clear liberal bias…

    How does Sarah Palin, who is simply just stupid, BLOW OUT John Edwards in a douchebag tournament. The same John Edwards, who cheated on his wife, WHILE SHE HAD CANCER, and then lied about it to her face.

    Oh I know, because John Edwards is a democrat, and Sarah Palin is a republican.

    It’s a good thing that health care bill got passed, so now everytime a liberal douche cheats on his cancer stricken wife, well, at least they’ll be able to afford the hospital bills to keep her in there while they sleep around!

    DISCLAIMER: I’m a Libertarian, I hate both major parties, but even I am calling foul on this one.

  8. justin says:
    How have we fucked up the tournament? YOU’RE the one who’s been casting shitty votes the whole time.
  9. justin says:
    The beauty of this tournament for us is that all we have to do for two weeks is count numbers and write them down. It’s very little work for us. Therefore, it’s impossible for us to be terrible at it. If you’re displeased with the votes that you and the other readers have been casting, then maybe you should just man up and stop being such a faggot all the time.
  10. Tater says:


    Reminds me of the cab driver from old school.

    Mitch Martin (Luke Wilson): “I’m sorry, your seatbelt seams to be broken. What do you recommend I Do?” Taxi Driver: “I recommend you stop being such a faggot! You’re in the backseat.”

  11. brand new bag says:

    i agree with sonya so much that i want to squirt my army up inside her egg slot.

  12. God's dick says:

    all of you guys must be boston fans because they spend just as much money and have even less to show for it

  13. ignorant bastards says:

    other than a-rod how can you call all the yankees douche bags? on top of that glenn beck should win hands down playing on the fears of the ignorant is a total d-bag move.

  14. brand new bag says:

    You’ve been trained well. F*ck you and everyone like you.

  15. God's left nut says:

    what member of the yankees is not a d-bag from the owner to the players to the cleaning crews and their piece of shit fans

  16. God's Right Nut says:

    I Agree Bro, I Totally Agree

  17. fukface says:

    ya fuck the yankees, just because they got all the money to buy the best obviously means they are a better team but they have ruined baseball for everyone. so they are my number one Dbag winner. Fuck all you yankees fans who made this monster, fuck you and your grandma

  18. shitdick says:

    I would love to see the Yankees win the biggest douche bag of the year. Fuck Yankee fans. Such assholes and half of them like them for no reason.

  19. justin says:
    I’m sorry I lied. As for the ID4 thing: Harry Connick, Jr. is signed on. That guy never makes a bad decision. Just FYI.
  20. WillSmithCirca1995 says:

    Justin you lied to Will Smith about the survey monkey… Now I don’t even know if I want to accept that Independence Day offer…

  21. Jagrmeister114 says:

    #1 douchebag. hs dropout who made these polls.

  22. Jack says:

    What?! Perez Hilton, the biggest douche in the tournament, voted out by MILES just because of the Jay Leno thing?

    You all deserve to be made to read his “blog”.

  23. MyFightWiffaCheeto says:

    Total bullshit. Did you guys even look at Perez Hilton??

  24. Leno is a Scumbag says:

    The bracketting should have been set up so that lady gaga and kanye wouldnt meet until the entertainment finals, same with leno and zucker, that way we could have both of those douchebags in the elite 8

  25. scheme factory says:

    goddamned douchebags

  26. pratik says:

    How the fuck did Perez Hilton not make it into the Final Four?

  27. 2008 Taxes says:

    Liberal queers have overtaken the polling.

  28. DonkeyXote's Sequential Hermaphrodite Sister says:

    DonkeyBalls was up late all week voting to save his idol Perez.

  29. Tater says:

    I agree. Liberal queers have indeed taken over the tournament. Perez Hilton should be a finalist.

  30. AldoRaine says:

    How is Joe Francis even in this tournament? He’s not a douchebag, he’s a hero. He taught an entire generation of women that slutting it up isn’t just for when no one is watching.

  31. justin says:
    The two people who have been reading HT for more than 2 months will remember that Perez didn’t make the finals last year either.
  32. Tater says:

    not true.

    I remember last years tournament. I can’t even remember who won it, much less how well Perez Hilton did.

    This tournament is the most time I spend dedicated to the name “Perez Hilton” each year.

    Any other time i hear its name. I refuse to acknowledge its existence.