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2011 Atlantic Tropical Storm Names and The People They Make Me Think Of

The naming of tropical storm systems is something our National Weather Service does for the purpose of identifying storms as they develop. However, certain names bring certain visuals to mind, and can cause people to associate a storm with someone from their own life. Some blow through without leaving any damage, and some develop into full-blown hurricanes. Much like the people who come in and out of your life. Below is a list of this year’s Atlantic tropical storm names and the people I think of when I hear those names. It’s a metaphor for life, bro.


Arlene

I don’t know any women named Arlene, because I assume they’ve all died by now.

Bret

I played soccer with a kid named Bret. He was an unimpressive asshole. As was Tropical Cyclone Bret.

Cindy

Cindy is the name of the waitress I cried in front of at a Waffle House in Dayton, OH. She was nothing like a tropical storm, but she did laugh at me.

Don

Hurricane Don passed without making much of an impact. Much like most people named “Don”.

Emily

Sounds like the name of a nice girl I once knew who seemed sweet, but could not be trusted. This Tropical Storm will turn into a full-blown hurricane, but only after dating it for six months.

Franklin

“Seek shelter everyone, here comes Hurricane Franklin!” – The least intimidating hurricane warning ever.

Gert

Gert is a German guy who will sleep with your college girlfriend while she’s on a backpacking trip through Europe. I don’t know if Tropical Storms can contract STD’s and die early, but I really hope this one does.

Harvey

Look out everyone, it’s your grampa’s friend in tropical storm form. He’s going to waddle up to your coast line, shit his old man pants and blame the smell on the dog.

Irene

(See: Arlene)

Jose

Will probably team up with Tropical Storm Philippe and steal my fundraiser candy during study hall.

Katia

Will be too busy getting her nails and hair did to cause any real damage. She will be incredibly loud.

Lee

Will be a friendly storm that likes to wear flannel shirts.

Maria

Will be incredibly good in bed, but violently crazy. It’s just science.

Nate

Will bring much needed rain to the Gulf region. I’ve never known a shitty Nate.

Ophelia

Will probably be awkward but cute. She’ll timidly approach the coast, hit a land mass, and have a really hard time letting it go.

Philippe

(See: Jose)

Rina

Will sound exotic and dangerous, but will actually be boring and completely lacking personality.

Sean

Will be the kind of tropical storm that dates your sister, then gets dumped by her, then tries to use his friendship with you to win her back.

Tammy

Will hit the U.S. Gulf Coast leaving all the trailer parks unharmed, because there are so many other Tammy’s living in them.

Vince

Will be an incredibly strong tropical storm as it approaches the coast, but will then turn into a big baby when it thinks nobody is afraid of it anymore. It will also be wearing a shirt with an Italian flag made out of trucker ladies on it.

Whitney

Will only do so so much damage to the eastern seaboard, that it’s parents will take its credit cards away.

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