The 2011 Douchebag Tournament is history. It’s all over. Douches rose and fell like the briny tides of some kind of salad dressing ocean in a tempest of nearly 80,000 votes. The competition was fierce but in the end no one could hold a candle to our champion;
The Westboro Baptist Church!
Glenn Beck is once again a bridesmaid but never a bride as Westboro tore his ass asunder in the Championship round. Let’s look back over Westboro’s meteoric rise to stardom.
In the opening round, Westboro took on fellow intolerant man of the Lord, Pastor Terry Jones, known for his desire to burn the holy books of other religions and for the fact he looks like he should have a stall at the flea market selling used nails. Westboro took the round with a stunning 92.2% of the vote. They followed this up in the second round with an easy victory over Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger with an insane 93.5% of the vote. The victory was so thorough the only question was who the hell voted for Stanger?
In the 3rd round, Westboro humiliated BP CEO Tony Hayward with a solid 91.3%. They followed this with their closest match so far against the Hipster Movement, winning with only 84.8% of the vote. In the final four, the Church squared off with Jersey Shore doucher The Situation and pulled out a victory with 82.3%. It seemed like the juggernaut was unstoppable.
Glenn Beck was the closest thing Westboro had to competition throughout the entire tournament but he still proved amateurish as Westboro took him out with 72.8% of the vote and took home the uncoveted title of Douchebag of the Year.
Given the trail the Church blazed it’s not surprising they took the tournament. Previous tournaments included Business as a 4th bracket alongside politics, entertainment and sports, meaning Westboro had never had a place before. This year we felt it was necessary to expand a 4th category so we could allow for more diversity and, as it happens, completely unbalance the entire tournament.
We actually managed to get in touch with a spokesperson from Westboro (Margie Phelps, daughter of Church founder Fred Phelps) to ask how they felt about going head to head with Glenn Beck in the championship. She responded that Beck was a “light weight” and then proceeded to answer about a dozen questions in the most insane way possible which we may post as a whole article unto itself later on.
We considered mailing some actual douche to the church as a prize, then we considered that they probably get mailbags full of death threats and dog shit sent to them each and every day so whatever we sent would likely just be tossed in the trash by someone convinced we’re agents of a homosexual army (which we are) without even acknowledging the effort we put in (which we didn’t). So in lieu of a real prize, we tip our hats to you, Westboro Baptist Church, for being a dynamo of douche and destroying all comers. Your awfulness knows no bounds, you’re an inspiration to no one. Congratulations.
i voted for glenn beck twice. does that make me twice the loser, or are we all winners here?
No, it makes you a douche
I expect to be a #1 seed in Wild Card in next year’s tourny
TinyDickman reigns supreme above all other comment-bitches for my dick is tinier than all of yours!
TinyDickman rules the comment section of ScreenJunkies, and has been a bane to HT in years past as TinyDickman single handedly got the comment section removed a year ago because of former HT bitchfag writer justin. With Ian in charge, I know turn my focus to the commentators, swear allegiance to TinyDickman and I promise you will not awaken with an anus filled with crab spiders and yogurt-GREEK yogurt.
TinyDickman DOTY 2012!
i hope the fuckers get shot at a soldiers funeral they were protesting.
It’s really a shame that Glenn came up short in this contest, but his doucheyness is without compare when only considering individuals. You would have to watch Glenn to really appreciate his douchnique, but who can and not be sucked into the Douchtex? The WBC makes the mainstream media news for their douchformances – big difference…. their doucheisms are reported to us matter of factly like the weather. Glenn was beaten by a venerable douchtallion, but if they squared off and fought individually like in a bad king fu movie Beck would win.
That’s why they probably didn’t count your vote, because you’are a fucking dumbass bitchfag with no logic. Cunt whistle.
TinyDickman thinks that dropping supremely stupid insults in a forum, where doing so in any other would prohibit him, means that he really laid it down. TinyDickman can’t even live up to his own name.
ARE YOU QUESTIONING MY TINY DICK!?!?! You motherfucker! My dick is so tiny most people think it’s a tic tac at first! Suck on that motherfucker!
If you could read you would have noted that I was, in fact, questioning whether your nubbin was even large enough to be considered tiny. A tic-tac is probably a very good analogy as your entire wad is probably about one calorie per serving. So, your cat is probably lacking in nutrition.
Religious CUNTS are trully the scum of the Earth.
It was almost unfair for Holy Taco to include the baptists, you just can’t challenge douche bags of that level. They’re modern-day Nazis, no one can compare to them.
WE CAN’T REPEL DOUCHE POWER OF THAT MAGNITUDE!!