Possibly a better title for this article would’ve been “Ten Things To Buy Your Kids This Christmas, If You Hate Your Kids”, but that’s a little too wordy. W.A.T.C.H., the consumer advocate group of overcautious PTA moms (possibly cautious for good reason), recently published their ten most dangerous toys list for this year. The list includes some super lame toys that may not only injure your child, but also bore them to death as well as toys that are undoubtedly dangerous. We know you’re probably gearing up to do some holiday shopping for the kids in your life, so we wanted to make sure you were all thoroughly aware of what not to buy. Or, what to buy if you like watching kids fall and hurt themselves.
Twist N’ Sort
They might as well have called this “Board Full Of Wooden Spikes” and the instruction pamphlet would read “1. Put Board O’ Spikes on the ground. 2. Be unaware of your surroundings, then fall on Board O’ Spikes, allowing two or three of the spikes to mash into your brittle toddler ribs. 3. Scream and Cry.”
The idea of this game is actually to slide the rings and shapes down the appropriate columns. Then let the tiny wooden pegs fall off, then eat them, or try to eat them but just choke on them. Something like that may pass for a toy in the Philippines, but this is America. We have Xbox.
Power Rangers Samurai Mega Blade
You can stab your little brother with it, then take it to school!
Fold & Go Trampoline
You’re hyperactive stepson will be mildly entertained by using this toy as intended. For about fifteen minutes. Then he will gain confidence and attempt circus-like stunts.
Pulling Animal Duck
On the end of that rope that will choke you is a heavy wooden duck. If you’ve got the motor skills to avoid choking on that rope, you can pick it up and swing it around!
Toy School Bus
This particular model of toy school bus has removable hard tires that kids can choke on. Don’t buy it. Mostly because of the choking hazard, but also because kids hate school and school busses. If your child chokes on one of the wheels of this toy bus is doing just to spite you.
It’s a toy bow and arrow with a range of 125 feet. Enough said.
Stepper Low-Rise Stilts
Your kid’s going to look stupid wearing these, whether she falls or not.
Jack Sparrow Action Figure
He’s carrying a four inch, rigid plastic sword. It’s perfect for accidentally stabbing your own eyeballs, or the eyeballs of others.
Shrinky Dinks Oven
It’s a tiny oven that gets as hot as a large oven. Toys are not ovens, and ovens are not toys. Will we never learn?
Godzilla Action Figure
It’s a toy made of plastic spikes. Totally easy to throw across the room. Also easy to painfully step on.