By Ben Goldstein
BroApp is a new Android app based on the following premise: Texting your girlfriend is a total pain in the ass. With BroApp, you can schedule automated sweet-nothings to go out to your gal whenever you’re “lifting, gaming, or just hanging with the bros.” Man, do they know my interests or what? AMIRITE FELLOW HUMAN BEINGS WITH PENISES??
Essentially, BroApp takes the thought out of being thoughtful. And there’s one other special feature worth mentioning — the “safety lock down”:
When BroApp detects an inquisitive girlfriend attempting to open BroApp on your phone, it sends that lovely lady to a list of gifts you were “planning to buy” her. Instead of her getting pissed off at your BroApp usage, she will think you’re the best boyfriend in the world.
The sheer existence of this goddamned thing raises so many questions about human nature, technology, and BroApp itself. Here are the first 23 that come to mind…
1. Nobody would actually pay $1.99 to use this, right?
2. Is texting your girlfriend that much of an intrusion on your life?
3. How long does it really take to type out “hey babe thinkn of u good luck w/biopsy”?
4. When technology allows us more convenience and efficiency at the expense of genuine humanity, is that progress?
5. “Automatically message your girlfriend sweet things so you can spend more time with the Bros.” Do they know how gay that sounds?
6. So what app do you use when the Bros start getting too clingy?
7. Oh man. Should I write that app? “BrahApp: An app that auto-texts your bros, blaming your absence from the gym/bar on your oppressive wife or girlfriend.”
8. Holy crap, that’s genius. What if it takes off? Could I quit my job?
9. How do people write apps, anyway?
10. Why did I study English in college instead of something useful, like app-writing?
11. Are we sure BroApp is a real thing, and not a viral ad for Frank “TJ” Mackey’s upcoming seminars?
12. So, that “list of gifts you were planning to buy” your girlfriend…will she get upset when you never actually give them to her? Will you still be the “best boyfriend in the world”?
13. Or is it just the thought that counts? Even if the “thought” was created and distributed by a smartphone app?
14. Did they pay Jordan Belfort to use his name in their promo video?
15. Did they only include Belfort’s name to attract the most elite-level douchebags?
16. (How amazing was Jonah Hill in that movie, by the way?)
17. What if you used BroApp and your girlfriend found out? How stupid would you feel? Is it worth it?
18. What if your girlfriend used a similar app to send you canned text-messages, to make herself seem like a nicer person than she really was? Basically, what if you were dating an SMS spammer. That’s a deal-breaker, right?
19. You’d never do that to me, would you Samantha?
20. Ugh, do I want to contribute to BroApp’s notoriety by publishing this article? Can’t I just stick to topics that actually provide value to society, like sexy clowns?
21. When was the last time you looked in your girlfriend’s eyes and told her what she meant to you?
22. Are you brave enough to do that? Are you even capable of forming a real connection with another human being?
23. Why don’t you do that, the next time you see her? There, I just saved you $1.99.
Got any other thoughts about BroApp? Tweet ‘em to us @HolyTaco!