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25 Better Things To Do That Watching New Year’s Rockin’ Eve

Dick Clark, host of New Years Rockin’ Eve since 1864, died in April 2012. ABC has opted to continue their New Years tradition without Clark, instead having Ryan Seacrest, Fergie and Jenny McCarthy as hosts.  That’s not even a joke – someone felt three of the most generic yet objectionable celebrities in existence should help ring in the New Year.  Those of us who don’t read Dean Koontz books with a pocket thesaurus on hand know differently.  This is a terrible idea and there are easily 25 better things to do than watch this abominable New Years special.

  1. Arrange a bag of rice in order from whitest white to greyest white.
  2. Have a nutsack?  See how far you can spread it out on a flat surface.
  3. Order Chinese food and have Chinese New Year all by yourself.
  4. Burn a house down.
  5. Start the countdown by yourself at 11PM while you play with yourself.  What will come first, 2013 or you?
  6. Google every news article you can about Chris Brown, see if you can find any evidence he has a soul.
  7. See if you can sneak into a neighbor’s place, maybe make off with some underwear.
  8. Go to bed at 11 because you don’t follow anyone’s rules.
  9. Watch Mac and Me.
  10. Cure your own salami.
  11. Try to pierce something unique and fun on your body.
  12. Read some Jewish Holy Books
  13. If there’s snow outside, go sculpt a treasure chest in the snow and put a turd in it.  Wait to see if someone tries to open it. Then laugh when they discover it’s a turd.
  14. Watch that video of Fergie pissing herself.  Then one of Jenny McCarthy being ignorant.  Then anything featuring Ryan Seacrest.  Then count to ten.  So you got the gist of the whole show right there.
  15. Have a good sit.
  16. Call your grandmother.  Maybe she’s still mad about that whole Fleshlight thing.
  17. Maybe a prostitute?
  18. Fight a wild animal that weights at least one tenth of your body weight.
  19. Write a children’s story about Kanye West learning the true meaning of St. Patrick’s day.
  20. Fart in a small bag.  Set it free.  Watch as it floats away.
  21. Destroy an enemy.  Completely.
  22. Destroy Billy Ocean. Completely.
  23. Try pho, everyone says it’s great.
  24. Shave something.
  25. Watch last year’s NYE celebration.  They always end exactly the same way.

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