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25 Dark Fairy Tales We’d Rather See than Snow White and the Huntsman

This Friday will see the release of a new Kristen Stewart movie, so make sure you have a spare personality in your pocket if you go see it, the movie is down at least one.  And while, Stewart aside, it’s cool to see a dark take on a familiar fairy tale, there’s clearly better stories that need to have the same film treatment.

  1. Hansel and Gretel – In this version Hansel is a goth kid, Gretel is pure but smoking hot sister and the witch is a nude Monica Belluci.  Instead of cooking them she just tortures them with Saw-inspired devices.
  2. Princess and the Pea – The pea is actually an angry Japanese ghost that keeps popping up in showers and shoe boxes and other unexpected places.
  3. Sleepy Beauty – If Prince Charming can’t wake her up, the sun will never rise again and vampires will claim the earth as their own.  Plus maybe Gary Busey is their king.
  4. Beauty and the Beast – This is just a short film.  The beast eats her.
  5. The Princess and the Frog – A psychologically disturbing tale about a young girl obsessed with the swamp who, after being caught making love to a frog, makes a deal with an evil swamp monster to take vengeance on those who mocked her.
  6. Puss in Boots – A madman has been cutting the feet off of co-eds and sewing them onto cats.  Can he be stopped before it’s too late?
  7. The Three Little Pigs – Three fat brothers who live in a small town run afoul of a gang of bikers who call themselves the Wolf Pack.  Lots of people die.
  8. The Ugly Duckling – Stolen from the hospital at birth, a child is raised in the deep woods by a family of inbred, cannibal monsters.  And then, I dunno, maybe Michael Bay produces it and in the end he saves the day with an explosion.
  9. Rumplestiltskin – Peter Dinklage plays the title role as a derange little monster collecting children for an unknown purpose, until he strikes a bargain with Jennifer Aniston and her nipples.
  10. Sinbad the Sailor – A well armed, middle eastern sailor tries to boat to North America and racism writes the rest.
  11. Jack and the Beanstalk – A young man discovers a mysterious beanstalk in his yard.  Climbing it, he discovers it leads to a town populated by mutant space slugs intent on destroying their Earth.  It could happen.
  12. Cinderella – Abused and held captive by sadistic stepsisters and mother, a young girl forced to stay in the basement develops a friendship with a voice that calls itself Sinder.  And tonight at the ball, everything is about the explode.
  13. Rapunzel – Locked away from the outside world, a creature forgotten by time has been waiting to feed.  And now, as Wal Mart begins to level the forest to build a new superstore, it awakens.  On tendrils of golden hair it walks – Rapunzel!  Starring Vin Diesel.
  14. Chicken Little – An alien spacecraft lands in rural Nebraska.  Only one boy sees it but no one believes him.  But when the sky begins falling with more and more of the invaders, will anyone listen in time or will everyone be doomed?
  15. The Boy Who Cried Wolf – Robert Pattinson plays Caleb Blumpie, a punk with no direction who thinks it’s funny to play practical jokes on friends and family.  But when out smoking his reefer in the forest he stumbles upon an entire family of werewolves and no one believes him.  Aw, nuts.
  16. The Emperor’s New Clothes – The Emperor is infected with a terrible disease that causes his skin to slough off.  Yeah, it’s a stretch, but whatever.
  17. Goldilocks and the Three Bears – Three super intelligent bears escape from a government lab, infected with a virus known only as Goldilox.
  18. Aladdin and the Lamp – Ever see the movie Wishmaster?  Yeah, something like that.
  19. The Gingerbread Man – This will just be a re-release of the Gingerdead Man, because that movie was awesome.
  20. Peter and the Wolf – Jesus, there’s lots of wolf stories, aren’t there?  In this one let’s say werewolves attack Boy Scouts.
  21. Little Red Riding Hood – Wait, they already made the sort of dark version of this didn’t they?  Meh.  Do it again and call it a reboot.
  22. The Shoemaker and the Elves – A shoemaker struggling to keep his business afloat strikes a deal with otherworldly creatures that live in the lot behind his home.  But the price they charge is terrible.  More terrible than what shoe stores in malls charge.
  23. The Little Mermaid – Dude has sex with a fish.
  24. Hop O My Thumb – A family with a severely disfigured and ridiculously short son sell him to a circus where he is tortured mercilessly for the entertainment of hillbillies.  Until he escapes, and seeks vengeance.
  25. The Brave Little Tailor – I never read this fairy tale, actually.  Um…so in the movie version a serial killer slaughters people with a toaster.

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