I feel like a bit of a failure in that I only just saw the Human Centipede. I lined up every day at my local theater to get tickets but for some reason it never played there. Lucky for me Netflix has a special f*cktarded category and Human Centipede was the shining jewel in its paper crown.
There’s no need to go into the details of the movie, if you’ve seen it you know and if you haven’t you should still know. I find it hard to believe anyone who reads Holy Taco doesn’t at least have a functional understanding of most mouth-to-anus human centipede movies. No, the real point of interest here is the plans for a sequel to this Atari-level attempt at shock and awe. Listen, Norway (or whatever country, Europe’s a bit of a blur of crazy accents and dispassionate sex to me) if you want to shock me with an outrageous movie, cast Dane Cook as a character I don’t hate. Get Chris Columbus to direct a movie that’s not going to make my brain weep. Make an Oscar-worthy sequel to Monster Squad. Don’t give me a latter day Nazi who wants to make poop eater pets. But I digress.
Word has it there’s a sequel in the works for Human Centipede and the only piece of information I have is that this one will be 12 anuses long. Given Nic Cage’s career you may not find this hard to believe at all and, in fact, a fairly solid basis for at least 80 minutes of run time, but I’m a traditionalist when it comes to film and I think you need more than just 12 linked anuses to make a movie. So I humbly offer these suggestions, compliments if you will, to the already established central plot point of 12 attached anuses.
1. Charlie Sheen is the Doctor – Why is Charlie Sheen sewing 12 people ass to mouth? Winning.
2. Toss in a mystery 13th anus in a wicked twist Shyamalan ending
3. Ann Coulter is meant to be one of the anuses until the surgery begins and we discover she has no asshole.
4. Human Centipede vs Sharktopus
5. Dick Cheney, mayor, condemns the creation of human centipedes until it’s revealed he actually was once chair of the company that perfected the anus sewing technique and has been getting kickbacks for every mouth sewn to an anus.
6. The 7th anus is a racist and he’s sewn to a black guy’s anus. Can these two crazy kids set aside their differences and find a way out of their predicament?!?
7. Tension rises as the centipede’s future at Hogwarts is put in jeopardy when the school enacts a “5 anus maximum” rule for students.
8. Bruce Willis’s John McClane gets trapped between a mouth and anus and has to play a diabolical game of cat and mouse with Michael Ironside in order to save not just the anuses, but the entire eastern seaboard.
9. Elijah Wood has to journey from the first anus to the 12th to destroy its o-ring.
10. The centipede escapes from the doctor and is discovered by locals. The media arrives and soon the centipede becomes an international celebrity with its own show on the Food Network where it cooks meals that are tasty even after 11 previous digestive tracts have had a go.
11. Anus one and anus three are separated by overbearing anus two, even though they’re in love. Can these two crazy kids overcome insurmountable odds and find a way out of their predicament?!?
12. The 12 anuses in the centipede open a club in Manhattan, 1976 but with all the sex, drugs and rock n roll, can their family stay together?
13. Can a human centipede eat nothing but McDonald’s for a whole month?
14. One of these anuses is a killer…but which one?!?
15. Sally is a busy girl about town trying to prove herself at New York’s biggest ad agency. Just as she’s about to land the contract of a lifetime, she finds herself in the middle of a mouth to anus human centipede. Can Sally prove to her bosses a mouth to anus human centipede can do all the work a man can do, just as well?
16. Anus number 10 has a baby, but who’s the daddy? Anus 3,4 and 11 deny it. Let’s go to Maury!
17. The Centipede gets exposed to gamma rays and becomes the Incredible Hulkipede! It then bores us for three hours until it kills Nick Nolte.
18. After growing up with its strict, scientist creator, the Centipede moves to New York’s Greenwich Village and is on its own for the first time living a Bohemian lifestyle. But when the scientist disapproves and cuts off the Centipede’s allowance, can the Centipede get a job, grow up and make it on its own?
19. The Centipede, bored and alone, goes for a walk one day and discovers a beautiful human Millipede in the woods. Who is this mysterious freak and why does it only appear in the woods at night? And what does it all have to do with a gypsy curse?
20. The Human Centipede, after visiting Doc Brown, travels back to 1955. The rest plays out exactly like Back to the Future, except with Marty McFly played by a mouth to anus human centipede.
21. Scientists implant the psyche of a paraplegic marine into a human centipede avatar and send it into the centipede village to gain the trust of the locals and have the grossest dinner party ever.
22. At some point, a midget puts a cowboy hat on and rides the human centipede. It’s not really a plot, but it’d make for a awesome poster.
23. The inspirational story of how a plucky young human centipede created Facebook and became a pretty big douche at the same time.
24. When the scientist goes on vacation and forgets his human centipede at the airport bar, can 12 anuses find their way home and survive a series of zany adventures along the way?!?
25. Reunite the cast of Full House as the Centipede.