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25 New Jokes for Dane Cook

You may not have heard but while Keystone pipelines were being sent to China and Wikipedias were being shut down, in LA, alleged comedian Dane Cook showed up at the Laugh Factory and proceeded to inject semi-solid hate directly into the eyeballs and earballs of every comedian in the building.  You’ve probably heard comedians hate on each other before, everyone hates on Carlos Mencia and, generally, Dane Cook, but this was epic hatery.  Hate that even Kardashians don’t get.  Rick Santorum doesn’t get.  Barack Obama doesn’t get.  It was rough.

The issue?  Apparently Cook bumped a slew of comedians (because he’s famous) and spent nearly an hour doing what one person described simply as “taking a shit” on the crowd.  He ranted about angry sex with hookers, he just spiraled out of sense and reason and apparently amused no one.  You can ead all about it elsewhere, our friend Vince at Filmdrunk has a nice piece on it, but that’s not what we need to do here.  We need to give Chuck his good luck back.  Why?  Because Dane Cook is a dream.  A dream all of us have – to stand on a stage and just let loose a string of what, anywhere else on earth, would be considered amusing hoboriffic rants, and become rich and famous for it.  Dane Cook was one of the first celebrities to work the internet to his advantage in a huge way when he exploded on MySpace and he can have that back again.  Dane, take these 25 “jokes,” one or all, and make them yours.  Abandon your angry, personal, creepy issues. Soar high, friend.  Soar!

  1. So the other day I’m at a Chic-Fil-A and I’m eating my Chic-Fil-A and sipping my delicious soda and you know what?  I wanted beef.  BEEF!
  2. You can’t just get by anymore.  You can’t just coast.  You need an education, a goal, a life plan.  What’s your life plan, sir?  Did you attend DeVry?  They call that reaching for the sky but I’ve never thrust my hand up into the air and gone wrist deep into feces.
  3. When I was a kid, I always wanted to know what it would be like to have breasts.  I felt like I was missing something running around all day playing Transformers without tits, like maybe if I had a B Cup Optimus Prime would be able to turn into a space tank instead of some hillbilly’s big rig.
  4. The thing about Jesus is he wore sandals all the time.  I mean, sandals?
  5. I love Playstation!  Represent!
  6.  This one’s a place holder.  6 jokes in a row?  Pfft.
  7. So the other day I’m at the grocery store because I need some Greek yogurt and this chick comes up to me and she’s like “It’s you!” and I was like “Or is it?”  Boom!  Mind f*ck.
  8. If I was in that Underworld movie I would chainsaw f*ck the hell out of every werewolf who shat on my lawn.
  9. Is it shat or shitted?  Where’s Webster when you need him?
  10. Here’s the thing – you get a new apartment and you have to have that first shower sometime.  That first shower in a new apartment and you don’t know, you don’t know if right in the middle when you’re scrubbing your ass, if Vince Vaughn is going to be dressed up like Betty White, stabbing you through the curtain while he masturbates.  But you’re always thinking it.
  11. Cult leaders are always the guys who played jerk off games with other guys in college.  Like here, let’s all wank on this cookie and the last guy has to eat it.
  12. You can wear velour in public, but you better know how to spin kick like a meth-addled ninja.
  13. I like to ride the bus sometimes, not to go anywhere, just to be there, to take all that it, to be a part of something real and gritty and a little murdery.  I ride the bus sometimes and drink a beer out of a paper bag and if people try to talk with me I’ll just shriek like a banshee.
  14. Never shave your face with the same razor you use to shave your junk.  You don’t want to suddenly meet the President if your upper lip smells like balls.
  15. This part is just reserved for excited yelling.  Maybe say the name of the city you’re in.  People like hearing the name of their city.
  16. You know what flight attendants hate?  When you ask for a soda and they start pouring it and you’re all “whoa, do you have herpes?” and you just…no… this one’s not working.
  17. You ever notice how white guys walk like this?  But black guys walk like this?
  18. You know what it’s like when it’s late and you want a snack but all you have in the house is like a box of Triscuits that may have been there when you moved in and some gin?  And for a second you think you could turned this into some kind of delicious shredded wheat cereal but then you try it and it burns your throat like salty fire?  I dunno what my point was.
  19. I was in Employee of the Month.  I think.  Coulda been Van Wilder.
  20. You ever see a guy walking down the street in a Superman shirt  and you want to take a gun and shoot them and…wait…oh shit, I stole this from myself.
  21. When I was a kid, I used to try to make my own fruit roll ups.  So I’d just smash the shit out of a banana on some plastic wrap, and then roll it in a tube, but it ended up just looking like a severely diseased hobo’s penis that had been hermetically sealed and placed in my lunch box.
  22. What’s the deal with airline peanuts?  They don’t have them anymore.  I guess probably because of allergies.  So that’s the deal.  G’night folks!
  23. I’d breed with an albino.
  24. I doubt anyone is still listening at this point.
  25. Really.

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