25 Potential Career Moves for Eddie Murphy

Eddie Murphy’s latest movie A Thousand Words has been completely destroyed by critics and is apparently so bad that watching it will give you hepatitis. All the hepatitises.  Like A, B, C, all the way up to F.  Murphy has literally not been featured as the main star of a decent movie that critics enjoyed since 1988’s Coming to America.  Seriously.  It’s been 24 years since Eddie Murphy made a movie people liked, and most of his other ones have ended up on year-end worst movie lists.  Look it up.

In the past 24 years it pretty much seems like he’s trying to outdo himself with more and more terribly crapgasms on the screen, like he has a compulsion to out-Norbit himself at every turn.  With that in mind, here’s 25 career moves that couldn’t make his career any worse.

1. A musical reimagining of Golden Child
2. Star in a documentary about his own failed career
3. Vampire in Long Island
4. Do a Broadway show about Al Jolson in white face
5. Have 20 kids and get a reality show on TLC
6. Move in with a midget and get a reality show on TLC
7. Take up golf
8. Sell Arsenio Hall’s soul for a return to fame
9. Audition for America’s Got Talent with a wicked Eddie Murphy impression
10. Try making movies based on Six Flags rides instead of Disney rides
11. Kill every other actor, pick and choose the best roles from there
12. Try living life as an owl for a spell
13. Marry Kim Kardashian for a while
14. Release a terrible music video on Youtube.  But different than that terrible music video he already made.
15. Revolutionize the sandwich somehow
16. Kill Osama bin Laden again
17. Fight  Shia Labeouf totally unprovoked while tourists film it on their phones
18. Pick up a tranny
19. Send his child up into the atmosphere in a UFO looking balloon
20. Take over the Jerry Lewis telethon
21. Maybe try not wearing a fat suit for a change
22. Wear a fat suit but call himself Madea
23. Open a restaurant chain with Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone and Bruce Willis
24. Punch Rihanna.  Wait three years.  Famous.
25. Wear sweater vests, say ridiculous things frequently, try to become President