25 Signs Your Loved One May Be Possessed

Demonic possession is a constant threat in our workaday, evil world.  If it wasn’t, people wouldn’t keep making movies about it now would they?  Don’t answer that because the devil will beguile you with his sweet words and I have to assume you are housing Satan deep in your loins as we speak.  Instead, I’ll just give you these signs to be watchful of, or perhaps for your friends and loved ones to be watchful of if it turns out you do, in fact, carry a scrotum* full of Beelzebub.

1. Makes frequent reference to your mother’s carnal, hell-based activities
2. Has or is masturbating with religious paraphernalia more than usual
3. Vomits things you don’t recall them eating or in quantities that seem suspect
4. Tends to hang out on the ceiling
5. Has swallowed or threatens to soon be ready to swallow souls
6. Previously had acceptable dental hygiene, now has stained fangs
7. Refers to self in third person plural
8. Farts brimstone
9. Now has ability to make previously unspinnable body parts spin
10. There is no loved one, only Zuul
11. Only drinks mysterious, green liquid from pools on the ceiling
12. Finds Woody Allen funny
13. Refuses to stop murdering people on elevators.  Or anywhere, really
14. Engages in life and death struggles with Keanu Reeves
15. Keeps slamming doors on surveillance cam for  hours across three shitty sequels and still makes a fortune at the box office despite being terrible in every way
16. Harasses Denzel Washington
17. Argues with self in several voices over the best way to kill you
18. Is Jeff Dunham
19. Reacts negatively to the presence of Bruce Campbell
20. Opens the bathroom door with an axe
21. Has few if any well defined plans, a fact that you will question once it’s all over
22. Is compelled by the power of Christ
23. If a young girl, will spend most of their free time writhing in bed.  If a man, will lurk about on streets
24. Has a penchant for locking teens in abandoned houses
25. Runs as a 3^rd party candidate

*Or a vulva.