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25 Signs Your Loved One May Be Possessed

Demonic possession is a constant threat in our workaday, evil world.  If it wasn’t, people wouldn’t keep making movies about it now would they?  Don’t answer that because the devil will beguile you with his sweet words and I have to assume you are housing Satan deep in your loins as we speak.  Instead, I’ll just give you these signs to be watchful of, or perhaps for your friends and loved ones to be watchful of if it turns out you do, in fact, carry a scrotum* full of Beelzebub.

  1. Makes frequent reference to your mother’s carnal, hell-based activities
  2. Has or is masturbating with religious paraphernalia more than usual
  3. Vomits things you don’t recall them eating or in quantities that seem suspect
  4. Tends to hang out on the ceiling
  5. Has swallowed or threatens to soon be ready to swallow souls
  6. Previously had acceptable dental hygiene, now has stained fangs
  7. Refers to self in third person plural
  8. Farts brimstone
  9. Now has ability to make previously unspinnable body parts spin
  10. There is no loved one, only Zuul
  11. Only drinks mysterious, green liquid from pools on the ceiling
  12. Finds Woody Allen funny
  13. Refuses to stop murdering people on elevators.  Or anywhere, really
  14. Engages in life and death struggles with Keanu Reeves
  15. Keeps slamming doors on surveillance cam for  hours across three shitty sequels and still makes a fortune at the box office despite being terrible in every way
  16. Harasses Denzel Washington
  17. Argues with self in several voices over the best way to kill you
  18. Is Jeff Dunham
  19. Reacts negatively to the presence of Bruce Campbell
  20. Opens the bathroom door with an axe
  21. Has few if any well defined plans, a fact that you will question once it’s all over
  22. Is compelled by the power of Christ
  23. If a young girl, will spend most of their free time writhing in bed.  If a man, will lurk about on streets
  24. Has a penchant for locking teens in abandoned houses
  25. Runs as a 3rd party candidate

*Or a vulva.

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