So Ashton Kutcher is going to replace Charlie Sheen and if there’s a way you can watch a show even less than not watching it at all, we’re on it. Despite that, producers still need a way to transition the characters and, because Holy Taco is nothing if not helpful, we cooked up a solid 25.
1. Charlie died of VD and in his will he requested a retard watch over his brother and nephew.
2. Lonesome after Charlie goes on vacation, Alan and Jake invite a homeless idiot to stay with them.
3. In the show’s absence Jake suffers a dramatic weight loss. Is the answer dieting? Only his meth dealer Ashton knows for sure.
4. Charlie’s face comes off in a tragic stupid accident. He gets a face transplant and maybe a new voice. Bang. Ashton Kutcher.
5. Alan discovers his father had a secret family that he hid out of shame because they’re all morons. One comes to live with him after Charlie is committed for thinking he’s a stand up comedian with a multi-city tour.
6. Alan finally admits he’s gay, kicks out Charlie and brings home his new boyfriend.
7. The new neighbor, Ashton, secretly murders Charlie. Because he deserved it.
8. Charlie gets lost at sea and the merman nation sends a replacement as an apology, the Merman King’s idiot son, Ashton.
9. Alan hires a man-nanny to take care of the titular Half Man, despite the fact he’s 17. Man-nanny kills and eats Charlie to gain his power.
10. Charlie is lost to the zombie apocalypse. Fortunately, Ashton Kutcher has no brain and is therefore not of interest to zombies, so he moves in instead.
11. Charlie decides to become a monk. As Alan and Jake leave the monastery, the Abbot kicks out Brother Ashton, the bumbling fool of the monastery, who begs Alan to take him in,
12. Charlie gets incarcerated for killing a tiger and drinking its blood whilst bingeing on cocaine. After his trial, Jake and Alan stop in Amish country for a nice pie where they meet gentle Amish dullard Ashton, who knows not the ways of the city but needs a place to live as he experienced Rumspringa.
13. Charlie and Ashton Kutcher accidentally bump into each other under a shooting star and switch minds. Or some shit.
14. Charlie is sent back in time to the 70s. Kelso is sent forward. What?
15. Alan finally tires of the poor example Charlie has been setting for Jake and kicks him out, opting to find someone who could be a bigger douche.
16. As a result of the Butterfly Effect, 2003 Ashton Kutcher finds a way to make himself suck even more and is cast in Two and a Half Men. The resulting change to the future makes it like he was on the show all along and we’d all experienced 8 years of jokes at his expense already. Sheen probably died in a brothel.
17. Alan’s mother comes home one day to inform him that Charlie is in a Bangkok prison and that he’s left an obnoxiously smug-looking house boy to take care of his affairs while he’s gone
18. On a hiking trip, Charlie falls to his death from a perilous cliff but Alan and Jake are saved by a kindly family of Sasquatch. Their youngest, dumbest and least hairy family member, Ashton, convinces his Bigfoot parents to let him return to the city with Alan.
19. Charlie runs afoul of out-of-work actor Emilio Estevez and both men die in the melee. Super Estevez fan Ashton files a lawsuit against Alan for not preventing his idol’s death and a judge issues the wacky sentence that the two must live together. And maybe Alan is Ashton’s butler.
20. Charlie gets a sex change, marries Ashton Kutcher and the two move in with Alan and Jake. She-Charlie will be played by Liza Minelli.
21. Charlie decides Alan and Jake just really suck, so he leave sin the night with no warning. Upset, Alan wishes upon a star that Charlie comes back only he mumbles the name or some shit and ends up with Ashton Kutcher instead.
22. Charlie gets in trouble with the mob and in order to save his own life he must go deep underground while a decoy moron takes his place.
23. Charlie is infected with a xenomorph that bursts from his chest one morning at breakfast. The larval alien eats the neighbor and grows into Ashton Kutcher.
24. Charlie drowns in the tub one morning. In an effort to not upset his child, Alan quickly replaces him with a skuzzy drifter/actor.
25. Jon Cryer explains, shortly after opening credits, that the producers feel people who want to watch Two and a Half Men are the kinds of people who won’t get an explanation anyway. Therefore Charlie is simply gone, Ashton’s character is named Cody, everything is funny, please laugh.