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25 Things Chris Brown Wants for Christmas

As you know, Chris Brown and I are buddies on Twitter.  Which is to say I make fun of him a lot and he presumably has no idea I exist.  But I only do it because he’s such a terrible person.  He is.  Objectively.  Because of this relationship we have, I was able to snag this sneak peek at Brown’s Christmas list.  Isn’t that amazing and yet very believable?  Of course!

  1. Farmer MacGilicutty’s Knuckle Balm
  2. Autographed photo of Ike Turner
  3. One case of topical face softener in either Neutral or Rihanna mocha.
  4. 5 pack of wife beaters, extra douche
  5. Blu Ray copy of Anger Management
  6. English for Dummies
  7. Diapers
  8. An eye wash station
  9. An explanation of what “carpe diem” means
  10. Some insight into how many people follow me on Twitter because they don’t like me
  11. Hulk Hands
  12. Fantastic Four Thing Hands
  13. Boxing gloves
  14. Giant fist beer can koozie
  15. He-Man’s pal Fisto action figure
  16. Star Wars Kit Fisto action figure
  17. Giant Robot Battle Fists
  18. Fruit punch
  19. Fist of the Northstar manga
  20. Iron Fist comics
  21. Fisting porno
  22. 3 more jokes about fists
  23. Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Repair
  24. Remorse
  25. Humanity, tact and grace.

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