25 Things Chris Brown Wants for Christmas

As you know, Chris Brown and I are buddies on Twitter.  Which is to say I make fun of him a lot and he presumably has no idea I exist.  But I only do it because he’s such a terrible person.  He is.  Objectively.  Because of this relationship we have, I was able to snag this sneak peek at Brown’s Christmas list.  Isn’t that amazing and yet very believable?  Of course!

1. Farmer MacGilicutty’s Knuckle Balm
2. Autographed photo of Ike Turner
3. One case of topical face softener in either Neutral or Rihanna mocha.
4. 5 pack of wife beaters, extra douche
5. Blu Ray copy of Anger Management
6. English for Dummies
7. Diapers
8. An eye wash station
9. An explanation of what “carpe diem” means
10. Some insight into how many people follow me on Twitter because they don’t like me
11. Hulk Hands
12. Fantastic Four Thing Hands
13. Boxing gloves
14. Giant fist beer can koozie
15. He-Man’s pal Fisto action figure
16. Star Wars Kit Fisto action figure
17. Giant Robot Battle Fists
18. Fruit punch
19. Fist of the Northstar manga
20. Iron Fist comics
21. Fisting porno
22. 3 more jokes about fists
23. Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Repair
24. Remorse
25. Humanity, tact and grace.