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25 Things I Experienced on My Vacation in a Tourist Trap

You may have noticed a stark lack of Taco for the past several days.  Where have I been?  Did I die?  Was I fired?  Was I sold into sex slavery?  No!  I was on vacation.  I vacated!

I rarely go on vacation, and just to be clear I have actually never gone on vacation from any job ever, so this was a new experience for me.  Where did I go?  Niagara Falls!  I know, it’s not the Orient, but it’s wall to wall tourists and casinos and a big ass waterfall.  Here’s the highlight reel in bullet form!

  1. A $500 a night hotel room has 3 sinks in it.  3!  God, that’s a lot of water
  2. 32 minutes is how long I can spend in a hot tub before I become violently ill
  3. No one calls you a high roller if you win $250 on a slot machine
  4. You can make $5 last until you’re thoroughly drunk whilst playing blackjack, if you’re lucky
  5. I spent $180 at Denny’s and I have no idea how
  6. Denny’s charges $4 for a Coke, which may explain some of that $180 bill
  7. Dudes at Denny’s are willing to use a urinal and then not zip up before going to wash their hands
  8. Every parking space in Niagara Falls is worth $20
  9. The Movie Star Wax Museum is the most preposterous tourist attraction ever.  Please see images below
  10. My hotel fridge froze every single liquid placed inside it
  11. Hot Pockets and hot dogs are perfectly acceptable meals to eat several times over the course of 4 days
  12. Vodka is also an acceptable meal
  13. No one controls their children. No one
  14. A beluga whale’s head feels like a hard boiled egg
  15. Every restaurant in a tourist town expects you to want to eat a massive, fatty fat breakfast that would feed an entire family in Africa
  16. I’m barely charming enough to convince a woman to touch me when I’m drunk.  But barely is enough.
  17. Old people love to just stand and look at a waterfall.  Just stand and look.  While young people like to take pictures of themselves with a waterfall behind them.
  18. Souvenir is a French word that means “total piece of shit.”
  19. I got to pet a bearded dragon and it was pretty great
  20. $18 is not a reasonable price for a movie in my hotel room, especially if it’s not porn
  21. Waitresses in tourist towns come in two varieties – the super friendly awesome kind and the horrible, crusty bitch ass kind.  I met both!
  22. Room service pizza doesn’t taste better than the exact same pizza in the restaurant downstairs, but it is $15 more to buy it
  23. The upside down house sucks balls
  24. It’s hard to find time to eat properly when you wake up at midnight and aren’t sure where you are
  25. I miss my bed.  God I have an awesome bed.

Bonus Images!!

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