Hobo with a Shotgun premiered at the Sundance Film Festival and won every award the festival has, we assume, because it is awesome. If you’re unfamiliar, it’s the story of a hobo who has a shotgun. Awesome. Homeless firearms are where it’s at. If you saw Grindhouse in theaters, you may have seen a trailer for Hobo with a Shotgun between the two features, along with trailers for other silly ass movies like Machete. And, like Machete, everyone agreed a joke made for a two minute preview was decent enough to expand into a whole film. And, like Machete, people get all kinds of killed in the full length movie. Unlike Machete, it’s intensely awesome. We can’t stress the awesomeness enough.
If you missed Sundance because you couldn’t get away from your pottery shop, fear not. The movie is out right now (in Canada, take a roadtrip) or, if you’re forbidden to enter the sweet, sexy plains of Saskatchewan, you can wait until May 6th for it’s US release. If you’re European then just wait longer because you’ve made a life mistake.
Anyway, in honor of the awesomeness of Hobo with a Shotgun, here’s 25 lessons you can take away from the film.
1. If a bear attacks you with its paw, it will take your whole face clean off.
2. You will die from losing your face
3. Nova Scotia is a hellhole
4. Technicolor was unfairly phased out, possibly by “the man”
5. Babies can become doctors, lawyers, crack whores or hobos with shotguns
6. When life gives you razor blades, don’t make a bat covered in razor blades.
7. The human body contains about 20 gallons of blood
8. It’s never necessary to tie up a bag of cocaine
9. Shotguns and lawn mowers cost about the same
10. If you want peanuts and a hooker, make two stops. And don’t say such gross things
11. I have no idea what “The Plague” was.
12. You can kill a man with an ice skate if you throw it right
13. You can convince a town to start mass murdering the homeless if you kill a man with a skate on TV
14. Gull wing doors are as awesome as anything you’ll ever see
15. The going rate for eating glass is $20
16. If all the cops are crooked cops then the only thing you need to worry about after comically lighting a busload of children on fire is hell.
17. Nova Scotia is not the only place that grass grows
18. Pedophilia becomes funny when it’s Santa Claus laughing as he drives away with a child desperately trying to escape his car
19. It’s still funny later when he’s wanking outside a schoolyard before getting shot
20. Toaster electrocution may get you off
21. if you want to be sure you’re going to blow someone’s junk off, better make underwear out of duct tape for them and include the barrel of a gun at crotch level
22. Shopping carts are invaluable getaway tools and medical transport devices
23. Medical procedures are only slightly less professional when gratuitous obscenities are included.
24. A shot of booze will fix up any writing that may be carved into your chest.
25. In a pinch (and it really has to be a pinch) you can not only stab a man with your exposed ulna, you can lift a manhole with it