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25 Things More Unsettling Than Carrot Top and His Straight Hair

carrot top straight hair

Carrot Top is famous.  We leave that sentence unqualified and mystifying; it’s a fact and yet it boggles the mind.  Moving on from that, Carrot Top is a prop comic known more for his fast-food-peyote-steroid-sci-fi appearance than for whatever the hell he does that may pass for jokes.  But included in that freakshow appearance is the top to which his tuberous name refers, a massive red, white-guy afro.  Or it used to be.  He straightened that nightmare and it just makes him look like an aggressive tranny.  But hey, it seems like Top has a lot of friends in the industry and people in Vegas love him, so maybe he’s a genuinely cool guy saddled with terribly, horribly faulty genetics.  It could happen to any of us.  So to keep things positive, at least in terms of Carrot Top, let’s check out 25 things more unsettling;

  1. Catching crabs from your grandfather’s toilet.
  2. Finding a stash of unpublished nude photos of the late Bea Arthur and being forced to deal with not only seeing them but the knowledge that you could sell them but the result would be unleashing them on a public who ostensibly did nothing to deserve it.
  3. scary amy winehouse

  4. Amy Winehouse feeding you chewed ham like a mother bird
  5. Petting your dog absentmindedly until you accidentally put a finger in its butt.  That happens.
  6. Winning a spot on a Japanese game show only to discover that, in order to win the grand prize, you have to identify a series of hobos based on the taste of their pants.
  7. Watching old people eat pudding.
  8. The prospect of having to watch Simon Cowell try on a series of increasingly tighter shirts.
  9. Finding a condom at the bottom of the bowl of soup you almost finished.
  10. Being related to Charlie Sheen in 2011.
  11. Being a PR guy for Donald Trump
  12. Prison showers.
  13. Losing a fight to Prince.
  14. Being a parent of any of the members of the Black Eyed Peas and forcing yourself to not damn your reproductive organs each and every day.
  15. hole in the wall

  16. Getting stuck in a rest stop glory hole.  Don’t act like it wouldn’t be.
  17. Dengue fever.
  18. A nun using foul language to describe you.
  19. Being disabled and having no means of stopping a helper monkey from pushing food into your mouth with his grubby little hands that could have been God knows where.
  20. Your best friend offering to give you a pap smear.
  21. Asshole hipsters who flavor chocolates and other desserts with lavender.  Because lavender tastes like shit and is not a flavoring, get that through your goddamn head.
  22. When your dog looks you in the eye while he has an erection.
  23. Eating olives.  Those things are f*cking gross.
  24. Guys who stand next to you at a urinal.
  25. Finding a bottle of piss on the side of the road.  Why do people do that?
  26. The very idea of Amish pornography
  27. Being sneaky when you were a kid by picking through your parents’ drawers around Christmas in search of presents only to find a dildo, not knowing what it is and playing with it for a sec, then remembering years later when you do know what it is, and having no way to make the memory go away.

6 Responses to "25 Things More Unsettling Than Carrot Top and His Straight Hair"

  1. morterforker says:

    16. being caught boning your friend’s mom by the dad.. and he tells your parents about it. then they get divorced and your friend starts to hate you for ruining his family unit. then you think about it years later and laugh, but it was some serious shit at the time.

    • Dennis Nedry says:

      Discovering that your sister is growing more pleased to greet you each morning following your late-night drunken sojourns from your neighborhood bar. She insists on watching Amityville Horror 2 together to the exclusion of all else. Says it makes her feel pretty.

    • Dennis Nedry says:

      Please disregard that last reply. I thought I was posting it in the main thread. It was just a hypothetical that applies to no one except rednecks. My apologies.

  2. Dennis Nedry says:

    Accidentally drinking your own piss from a bottle, a practice that saved you a trip upstairs to the bathroom but left you wondering why your piss tastes sweet enough that some of it made it past your mouth before you realized your error.

  3. bad acid trip says:

    Getting a turkey from the grocery store and finding a dead rat inside.

    Doing something with your friend when you were a kid that no one could pay you to do today.

    Accidently crapping on the toilet seat and then sitting on it.

    Taking a shit on a gas station toilet that obviously hasn’t been flushed in days, and that shit creates a large splash.

    Accidently drinking breast milk which a family member decided to put in the fridge.

    Find out you’ve been jacking off on the same toilet that someone died on.

    A dog humping your leg to completion.

    People knocking over a portapotty while you’re inside.

    Realizing the girl you had sex with was a guy.

    Waking up in the middle of the night and realizing that it wasn’t your dog’s ear you were rubbing.

    Finding out that the cook at your favorite restaurant has been defiling your food for years.

    Finding out you have an STD that doctors have never seen before.

    Finding out you’re inbred.