Explore Holy Taco

25 Things No One Wants for Christmas

Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat and I have no pennies for that old man’s hat.  Why?  Because I’ve been buying overpriced shit like fashion turtles and Marxist philosophy textbooks for people on my Christmas list.  As much as people pretend to disdain the commercial aspect of the season, we kind of love it, too.  We like presents.  I like presents, anyway.  But let’s be honest, a lot of presents are full on shit.  They don’t need to exist and certainly don’t need to be owned or purchased.

  1. Terry’s Chocolate Orange.  Because no.
  2. Cufflinks.  Come on.
  3. A bathrobe.  Nobody really uses bathrobes and if they do, it’s because someone gave them one and they didn’t have the heart to throw it out
  4. A new sweater.  I have never needed a new sweater.  I have two and they’ve done their job for years
  5. Brandy Beans – possibly the most disgusting holiday chocolate ever, tastes like rubbing alcohol shat on some Raisenettes
  6. Crocs.  Just tell someone you hate them, don’t mock them
  7. Novelty bacon products.  That ship sailed, man.
  8. Body wash or other toiletries because that’s a shameful state of affairs and is a passive aggressive way of telling someone they stink
  9. Wal Mart gift card – It says I don’t know what to get you, but I know I want it to make you feel bad
  10. Precious Moments figurines.  They’re disgusting and creepy and everyone knows it.
  11. Anything As Seen on TV.  This stuff is shit, that’s why they have to sell it to shut ins
  12. Artisanal cheese, because that shit is ridiculous
  13. A banana bunker.  I don’t know why these things still exist, but just stop kicking your bananas and you won’t need a shell for them
  14. A new scarf. This s the worst piece of winter clothing ever.  It’s just material that no one made into anything better.
  15. A photo album, because it’s not 1981
  16. Any nut mix containing Brazil nuts.  There’s a reason Brazil isn’t keeping those.
  17. An offbrand MP3 player.  Because the products made by Elektriplooz are not reliable
  18. Transformers DVDs.  Only you can stop Shia Labeouf
  19. Anything to do with Kanye West
  20. A mug.  Because eat shit
  21. Summer clothes. Unless you live in the southern hemisphere, this is such bullshit
  22. Cologne or perfume.  Inevitably you will pick the one scent that most resembles feces to the recipient
  23. Anything to do with Shia Labeouf, who is a scumbag
  24. A Panzer tank.  Really impractical
  25. Nude photos of Bea Arthur

0 Responses to "25 Things No One Wants for Christmas"