The 25 Saddest Things Seen at Adultcon (sorta NSFW)

LOS ANGELES_ AdultCon combines my two great passions — adult entertainment and convention centers. Like all men, I enjoy movies in which women remove their clothing for no reason at all to have sex with strangers. Porn films are much more entertaining than, say, films in which Julia Roberts travels the world to “find herself” without once sleeping with The MILF Hunter. I also love convention centers. The wide-open indoor spaces. The hot dogs. The high ceilings. The never-ending feeling of “We could have a really kick-ass game of Wiffle Ball in here, guys. Just gotta move some booths.” When it was announced that AdultCon 19 was coming to the Los Angeles Convention Center, I volunteered to cover the adult fan fair and sexual lifestyle expo and convention knowing that no one would appreciate the juxtaposition of porn star Allie Haze and West Hall B quite like I would. What follows is a photo gallery of 25 Things You See At AdultCon.

Women in Pasties

The porn stars are arrayed in rows of booths where they sign autographs, pose for pictures and sell DVDs. They lure you to their booths by doing something women that attractive never normally do — smiling at you. In bars, women this hot do not bat their eyelashes at schlubby dudes in jeans and Lakers jerseys. At AdultCon, they eye-f@#$ the shit out of them until they walk over and exchange Twitter accounts. These ladies know what they are doing. They are making new fans, pleasing old ones and selling DVDs and personal photos. Sadly, they do not do any of this while naked. They must wear pasties. The city of Los Angeles, in its infinite wisdom – did you know we have potholes here that eat whole fire trucks? – believes that covering a woman’s breasts with pasties is the only thing that keeps male attendees from humping everything in site.

Dudes with Cameras

Fact: If a man pays more than $200 for it, he will eventually pleasure himself with it.

Couples

One or both of them is always chubby. Not passing judgment. Just saying.

Things you Can Never Unsee

Chances to do Stuff With (not to) a Porn Star

I would pay $30 to play Stratego with a porn star. Just throwing that out there, porn star ladies.

Goods That Will Lead to Your Eventual Prison Sentence

Nice photo on the sign. Yes, right, this product will be used to protect women FROM crime. Of course.

Genitalia-Shaped Candy

The lollicocks go for $10. I was not confident enough in my sexuality to purchase one.

Dirtbags

What has one finger in the air and knows who has coke? This guy!

Strippers Dancing for People Who Just Want to Sit Down

Crappy Porn DVDs

She trims the bushes before she … trims the bushes. Garden Hos!

She uses the Garden Weasel before she … lets the weasel in her garden. Garden Hos!

She gives great mow jobs! Garden Hos!

Awesome Shirts That Will So Get You Laid

Bro, she was all, yes it will suck itself, and I was all, no it won’t suck itself, and she was like, we’ll see, and I was like, yes we will see, then I roofied her.

Asian Ladies Selling Bedsheets

Seriously. She was just selling bedsheets.

Pussy Shavers

A very sexy product. Just try not to shove it inside yourself!

Guys Trying Not to Pop Boners

Priests. Baseball. Care Bears. Brown cardboard boxes. My grandma in a bikini. Manhole covers. Missing dogs posters. Bath mats. Pencil erasers. Strip malls. Keynesian economics. Home Depot. Lolcats. Michael Moore eating a popsicle. Oh, please, Jesus, if you exist, and I pretty much need you to right now, do not let me pop a boner in front of all these people, for the love of God, stop at semi-chub. Stop. At. Semi-chub.

Women in Uniform

Sergeant Sexy Boy Scout reporting for duty!

Gunts

Way too many gunts.

Lupe from The Howard Stern Show

 

You might have heard Lupe on The Howard Stern Show, where she is as sexy as she is inscrutable. In real life, Lupe is approximately the size of a 4-year-old boy, but less curvy.

Swingers

Remember these faces when you’re six years into your loveless marriage and you and your wife fantasize about swinging. These are the people you will be banging.

Your future

Sex Toys That are Outright Anatomical Lies

The Sexiest Woman in the World