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25 Things That Could Have Improved After Earth

After Earth opened this weekend as failed Blockbuster since it seems to be universally reviled.  Luckily for me I was able to go see it (not my choice) and now I have firsthand knowledge of why no one liked it – because it sucked.  It was a very lazy, uninspired movie that shouldn’t have happened at all, let alone happening with Jaden Smith in the lead role as the boy just ain’t up to the task of believable acting just yet.  While I was desperately awaiting the predictable end of the film, I thought up some ways the whole movie could have been better.

  1. Agent Smith instead of Jaden Smith
  2. Walking into the theater after After Earth
  3. Will gets fed up with Jaden, wishes the goblins would take him away, the rest of the movie is musical numbers from muppets and David Bowie
  4. We find out Earth has been quarantined because it was overrun with Kardashian spawn
  5. The theater placed someone at the door to apologize and give you passes to two better films at the end
  6. Instead of Will Smith and Jaden Smith it’s Peter Dinklage and Warwick Davis
  7. The monster turned out to be Carlton
  8. At the climactic battle, Adele shows up and starts delivering Sam Jackson lines
  9. Way more beer than I had on hand when I saw it
  10. All the spaceships are built to look like DJ Jazzy Jeff
  11. If the baboons threw copies of The Legend of Baggar Vance at Jaden
  12. If the monster hunted not by fear pheromones but by sucky acting pheromones
  13. If Will Smith hadn’t been replaced with a lifeless robot duplicate that served no purpose
  14. If anyone explained why humans have interstellar travel but only lamely designed spears with which to fight angry space dogs that smell fear instead of projectile weapons or armor or pheromone weapons or any of the literally dozens of things I thought of that could have been used to destroy what is basically just a wild animal
  15. If the film had been replaced with Star Trek
  16. Laughing gas pumped into the theater
  17. Effort on the part of the filmmakers
  18. A storyline that was even slightly less contrived and displayed dialogue that wasn’t dull and pointless
  19. Bobcat Goldthwait
  20. Lemurs.  I know there were baboons, but they were poorly rendered CG. I just want real lemurs
  21. A remix of Wild Wild West
  22. That big bird replaced by Big Bird
  23. Willow Smith appearing at the end to kill the monster by whipping her hair back and forth
  24. Jada Pinkett-Smith and the cast of A Different World re-enacting three episodes of A Different World instead
  25. Merle from Walking Dead showing up to kill everyone

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