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25 Things That Make You an Objectively Bad Person

Listen, I’m no expert on life, love and how things work, but I’m probably more qualified to make decisions about those things than a large percentage of the world.  I base this belief on my powers of observation and the fact I’ve witnessed so many idiots in life I’m pretty confident I’m kind of amazing.  By virtue of the fact you’re literate and reading this, you’re probably ahead of the game, too.  Remember, there are people in the world who never read at all, who boost their kids over the railings at zoos, who poop themselves at Wal Mart.  And worse.  So, without further ado, here are 25 things that make you awful.

  1. Having more than 10 children
  2. Protesting something just because it’s trendy
  3. Supporting something because it’s trendy
  4. Protesting/supporting something because it’s not trendy
  5. Saying anything online you wouldn’t say in person
  6. Lying about how you would say the things you say online in person
  7. Farting and then vehemently denying it
  8. Eating Nutella and not acknowledging it’s frosting
  9. Naming your child after something you saw online
  10. Being Chris Brown
  11. Being Donald Trump
  12. Growing, distributing or eating olives
  13. Having to go to the ER to have something removed from you anus
  14. Working at TLC
  15. Being religious in a way that refuses to acknowledge science
  16. Cutting you eggs with a knife
  17. Talking on your cell phone out amongst others.
  18. Exploring sexual fetishes not out of any desire to do so, but just because you haven’t done it yet
  19. Not flushing
  20. Being or even knowing Guy Fieri
  21. Going on Maury.  Or any talk show, really.
  22. Farting on an airplane
  23. Pooping anywhere but in the toilet in a public restroom.  And your home.
  24. Being involved in any way with entertainment “news.”
  25. Being one of those self-assured ignorant twats that staunchly refuses to listen to another person’s point of view because the very idea you could ever be wrong about something, no matter how trivial, simply never enters your mind.  Twats.

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